Am I in the wrong to feel mistreated

[BedknobsandBullhooks]

I'm in a relationship of 1 year 6 months.

My last relationship before this was with an alcoholic and was very stressful and just awful, loads of lies involved and left me in a shitty position. I am beginning to wonder what a good relationship looks like, I've never had one.

My partner now is lovely when she's lovely.When she isn't she is capable of blanking me for days
She had left some things at my house including her keys and phone charger and today I took it to her house for her having told her that's what I would do. She never replied tothat message, but when I got there was very shitty with me and didn't even say hello or thanks just took it and walked into the house. I had thought she was at work (as she didn't reply) so I had gone there first and she wasn't happy about this (she's self employed, I know who she works for there wasn't an issue with it).

Her personal hygiene isn't great and this turns me off and I have told her about it. This has only happened recently, latest episode she went almost four days without a shower.

She's generally snappy with me a lot. She shouts when she's annoyed with me. I really try to do nothing wrong but I must do.
My head is just a mess tonight. It was the same last week when she blanked me for days. I can't cope with it.

I don't knowif I am over-sensitive. She always complains of feeling unwell and promised me she woudl go to the GP (I offered to go with her) but hasn't.
I think she might be depressed. We have been planning on moving in together but this behaviour isn't for me. I am nice, I'm always nice to her I'm very rarely anything but.

Is this okay?
I know It's stupid.
Tonight she invited me over and I asked 'could you not be as shitty with me as you were earlier?'

She replied 'forget I asked'. To me that says, 'I'll be as shitty as I want you're not allowed to ask me not to be'.

For clarification purposes only as largely irrelevant, It's a same sex relationship.

Erm-look, if you are trying to fix everything and rescue her, stop. She has to save herself, assuming she wants to be saved.

From what you've said it sounds all give and no take from you, and all take and no give from her. That's very unbalanced and bad for both of you.

Get some distance, have a think about your own feelings and needs. Have a frank talk with your Dp about all this before you carry on in the relationship.

I think you are right to let her know you won't come running.

She can text you, if she thinks you are worth an apology. She knows she was being shitty. Why not wait it out?

She might need a shock from you by the no contact to realise how far she has pushed you, and that she needs to take some accountability.

I did text her and said what I should have said was.. text myusername said.

She's replied saying I should have come over to show that I would still stay at her house.

I told her I have no issue with staying at her house , but I needed to know she wasn't going tobe as she was earlier with me because it upsets me for days when she is.

Thanks RunRabbit.

windI never thought Iwas. It's only recently come to light that she may be depressed. She isn't always like this. I do try to be supportive but that's me anyway.

She sounds fucking dreadful. Please snap out of it, this person isn't your friend, she's plain nasty to you. Whether she's depressed or not is completely immaterial. Either way she's 100% not relationship material. Get rid and find someone who actually likes you.

If this is a sudden withdrawal and change in personality then it is a bit concerning. I work in mental health and often many friends and family walk away from them because it's hard and then people are more alone.

Thanks for all the replies. They're keeping me going tonight. I'm sick and tired of it. I 100% agree mental abuse can be worse than physical sometimes. I just wasn't sure if this was what she was doing.

RunRabbit's post is very good. Don't move in, and back right off for now. You can't fix her, she needs to want to do that, and this is damaging you right now.

I really don't think you should feel that you have to choose your words so carefully around her, the fact you feel the need to tip toe around her feelings is a red flag for me. She gets to treat you as badly as she likes but you have to be nice as pie/walk on egg shells and word things nicely so that she doesn't become nasty and shut you down. I do understand you love her of course you do, but what she's doing to you now is not love and you deserve better. I really hope the GP helps in terms of her depression if she is depressed, but please look after yourself too.

You're going to be miserable with her.
No one should put up with that behaviour.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up? What sort of an example did your parents set you?. Did they ever accuse you of being over sensitive?. That needs serious consideration.

You have a warped template when it comes to relationships and that probably started in childhood. That is why I ask those questions above.

Are you confusing love with co-dependency as well?

Are you a people pleaser when it comes to relationships?

Love your own self for a change; you cannot ever act as either a rescuer or saviour in a relationship and you are still doing the same old patterns of relationship behaviours with predictable bad result. This relationship is a non starter and needs to end immediately. The last thing you need at present is this relationship or even worse yet another poor relationship, you need to work on you first and love your own self. I would look into counselling for your own self.

Thanks all.

I dont really know what my parents taught me. They're still together happily.
I did feel I was a bit of a spare part though. I was an only child and always felt like I was pretty useless.

I dont think its co-dependency although I understand why it could be. We got together after being friends for several years and I never saw this side of her until recently , it isn't that I wanted someone to 'save' or knew any of this sort of behaviour would occur at all.
I do want to please her yes, but do we not all want to please our partners to some extent, there's not much point being with someone if you dont like them enough to want them to be happy, I have always been that sort, I can't imagine being any other way.
But yes on the over-sensitive thing I was accused of that for as long as I remember up until this day by my parents! It used to really grate on me, still does sometimes!

Anyway I had a reply from her today which I don't know if makes this thread null and void. She says she misread the text and thought I had said something like 'Why so you can be shitty with me again' or something like that.

Oh of course she misread it!

Did she bollocks. She's just trying to draw you back in without having to do anything like, oh I don't know....... apologise for being a rude cow!

So now you're expected to be so relieved that she "misread" it, that you say no more about it and it all resets to normal.

Except your normal is getting really shitty, with you walking on eggshells and agonising over how to word texts so she won't be a complete bitch in her response.

She may be lovely on occasion, but as someone said, even one drop of shit in your tea makes it tea you shouldn't even contemplate drinking. And she may or may not be depressed, but I've had chronic depression for years in the past and still minded my manners with the people who were trying to love me. Depression doesn't make you into a cow.

Bedknobs,

Re your comment:-
"But yes on the over-sensitive thing I was accused of that for as long as I remember up until this day by my parents! It used to really grate on me, still does sometimes!"

I would suggest you read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward. Such inadequate parents often lob this charge of the child being "over sensitive" at their now adult offspring. And with regards to your parents as well, its not you its them.

I suffer from quite severe chronic depression, done so all my life. And I'm fairly sure that being horrible to other people isn't a symptom of depression. I definitely don't take my depression out on other people. I just go quiet and withdraw. My mum says she can always tell if I'm bad because I stop ringing her.

I don't think being depressed is an adequate excuse for being mean to you, and I agree with all the other posters who say this walking on eggshells is a real red flag. I'd back off, OP. Tell her you can see she needs space, and then give it to her.

As for this being "over sensitive", I can see that would make anyone doubt themselves. You don't come over as over sensitive. You come across as kind and thoughtful but perhaps you need to put yourself first once in a while.

Bedknobs how old are you both? I've looked but can't see your ages.

I am 35 she is 43, etta.

I like the tell her I can tell she needs space idea.

I don't know, I know I am sensitive but I don't think overly so really, it doesn't affect any other area of my life. I'm okay in work and have some good friends and love life generally speaking, but I have had a few bad relationships. I didn't think this one would be.

I have a very good relationship with my parents for the most part. I'm scared if I read that I would go off them! .

To be honest, flashman I did eye roll at the misread thing a bit.

I don't know if she is depressed but she has a lot of symptoms of it. I don't think , on reading up on co-dependency, that I am, but again I have some things in common with it.

I have had friends and my ex boss in my life who suffered depression and weren't ever nasty because of it. They did withdraw, weren't as bubbly as usual, were a bit quiet and things such as that but never nasty or snappy. So I see what that means there.

If we do stay together or if we haev a break or whatever, the hygiene thing is one thing I can't cope with , regardless of anything else.

It is probably coming across in my posting that I am feeling less upset and more rational today. Thank you everyone for taking the time to help me with this.

I sent her a msg explaining why I felt so hurt earlier. She rang me later and I asked had she read it and she said it was too long (it really wasn't that long, it wasn't as if I sent an essay it was just perhaps longer than most text messages). This has hurt me more if I am honest. Is that normal or over-sensitive?

That she can't be bothered to read a message when she knows I want her to and knows I am hurt because of her actions.

OMG she is AWFUL.

Seriously.

Who gives a fuck if she gives you presents when she wont even read your texts??

Ugh.

Not only is it normal to be hurt about it, but you should be also really pissed off. You need to call this one a day. Its not working. Not your fault either, as you've been a nice woman and an open book about your feelings. Shes just got a stubborn bitchy sullen punitive streak in her thats most unpleasant.

It seriously is not meant to be this crappy. Its meant to be a LOT easier than this.

I kind of stood up for her in my original post on this thread but as its progressed it's plain to see that regardless of any mental health issues that doesn't give her be right to treat you like something off the bottom of her shoe.

Leave her op, you sound like a really lovely and caring person. You deserve so much better.

I stood up for her too as depression is horrible but sorry, this does exceed any of my previous advice now.

It's toxic and unhealthy and I think you deserve far better xxx

You sound nice. You deserve someone nice. Not her. I would just not contacy her again.

Agree with others. You do sound nice OP and it is not meant to be like this. Love isn't meant to be dramatic and hurt. It's such a new relationship and it's already unhealthy. The hygiene thing alone would be enough for me. Please think of yourself OP. You need to step away.