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Relationships

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Original poster

15 years and waiting

76 replies

user1473368252 · 08/09/2016 22:15

So to cut a very long storey short I've been with my partner for, you guessed it, 15 years will be 16 in January. Since then we have carved out our careers successfully, travelled, got on the property ladder and currently refurbishing house number 2. We were once engaged back in 2012 but this was over within less than 6 months because he cheated on me and he claims he never wanted to anyway.. Outside pressure! It was a short affair but took me a long time to get through it and I took him back and we started again this time under new management. It was the hardest thing I've ever done but we got through it, since then many promises have been made none of which ever came to fruition we never picked up from where we left after it felt right again even though he said we would. so I've waited and waited for a few more years. Had an eptopic preg lost a tube, he was tricked into that also apparently, so basically nothing has happened and there always something else or it's not logical you name it it's been said. Starting to think of that film His Just Not That In To You! Yeah sounds like it! There has been a huge loss earlier this year which has hit both of us very hard and has reminded us of how precarious life can be and I lightly mentioned about getting married very low keyed next year in summer don't need all the glitz and glam just simple and intermit. Ended in argument and me in floods of tears then he called me pathetic told me it's not logical with the house and so on. so ladies you have the whole story any advice for those who have been standing where I'm standing wondering what to do? His the same when you talk about kids I feel im with the biggest future faker going and I'm the fool going along for the ride

OP posts:

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 · 09/09/2016 06:53

Sounds like you have grown up and he hasn't. He still sounds like a spoilt bratty teenager! A house is bricks and mortar. You are wasting the chance of happiness with a good man and having kids for a house???? I walked away from a house I spent 8 years making a home with the clothes on my back and my kids and got the life that I deserved. Never regretted leaving but I would of staying.

LozzaChops · 09/09/2016 07:03

Oh my god bail out.

You sound so unhappy.

29, bags of time to find some happiness, don't let a house tie you to a wanker.

TheNaze73 · 09/09/2016 07:07

You're only 29 with lots of potential good years ahead of you.
He really isn't interested

MirabelleTree · 09/09/2016 07:13

Don't look at it as throwing 15 years away - look at it as having lots of experience as to what a bad relationship is so you have your eyes widen open for future relationships and will sift out the rubbish very quickly. Easy to say I know but you've a huge amount of life ahead of you.

DoinItFine · 09/09/2016 07:22

Those 14 years are gone.

You are never getting them back.

All you are doing by staying is wasting even more of your life on a man who doesn't love you.

magoria · 09/09/2016 07:32

He doesn't see you as Miss Right. Just Miss Right Now.

He cheats. He makes promises and breaks them. He does the minimum to make you stay with him.

Please tell me your share of the house is recognised not all in his name?

You are 29. You have learned a lot about not to put up with in a relationship. See that as a good use of the years going forwards not that you want to waste them.

RosieCockle · 09/09/2016 07:49

Don't waste any more of your precious life or happiness on this guy. Just walk away and move on to someone who makes you happy like you deserve. You just need to take that first step...

Lweji · 09/09/2016 07:57

It looks like you're lucky you never married him and never had children.

He is not good for you.
He acts like an arsehole, then says he was forced to or he never wanted to. He has all his priorities mixed up.

Don't do a trial separation. Just dump him.

Ragwort · 09/09/2016 08:11

Please just pack your bags and walk away, have some dignity, don't beg or try to 'discuss or analyse' your relationship with him any longer.

Just leave. Now.

expatinscotland · 09/09/2016 08:18

'Think a trial separation is a sensible option I've left before many times couple days here and there which he went on a rampage via text. '

Then a trial separation isn't a sensible option for you. He throws his toys out his pram when you don't tow his line and you go running back. This is a man who, whilst you had to have an operation for a potentially life-threatening ectopic pregnancy, berated you for 'tricking' him. That's not someone who loves you.

Mitfordhons · 09/09/2016 08:19

I have a male friend who was with his girlfriend for eleven years until a few months ago when she finally gave up on him ever committing. He was devastated but she stuck there her guns I've. Commit or it's over. A wile later he met someone new and is now head over heals in love can't wait to spend the rest of his life with the new woman. He says he now realises that he cared for the ex very much but in his heart he new she wasn't the one. I think this may be what's happening to you and you deserve more.

MangoMoon · 09/09/2016 08:29

You're 29, you're in your prime!

He's not worth any more of your time, energy or tears - end it now, chalk it up to experience & move on with your life.

Have fun and enjoy your youth, don't waste it on someone like him.

RideLikeTheWindBullseye · 09/09/2016 08:32

Why are you wasting your precious life on this commitment phobe/waste of space?

pasic · 09/09/2016 08:43

Your thirties could see you achieve everything you want from life, but not with this man.

You know that, and every year spent with him is another year wasted.

AnyFucker · 09/09/2016 08:47

Dump this bloke and I guarantee he will be married to someone else within the year

springydaffs · 09/09/2016 12:10

Sunk costs fallacy means not being able to accept a project/relationship isn't going to work after you've invested an awful lot into it. You say 'but I've put so much [time/money/emotion/support] into this, it has to work out!'

SmokyMountains · 09/09/2016 12:28

You deserve happiness in your life. Please get shut.

If you know you want children, please do it now whilst there is still time.

I was complacent about having enough time, and let other things get in the way of having a child. I started trying when I was in my late 30's and went on to lose 5 babies.

I can't tell you how much I regret not starting earlier.

adora1 · 09/09/2016 12:54

He sounds awful, has an affair and doesn't appear to even regret or feel sorry about it - you are 29, yes it's a bloody shame to have wasted those years on a man that is clearly not committed to you but still plenty time to find Mr Right, he's all wrong him.

MatildaTheCat · 09/09/2016 13:59

You mention the bereavement as a reason to not leave but I suggest using as a reason to realise that life is short and unpredictable. Carpe diem, seize the day and make the life you want rather than wait for a man who doesn't want the same things from life as you. And is also a mean, lying cheat.

bombayflambe · 09/09/2016 14:04

I don't think he hates you OP. He likes you. He knows you well. You are a simple option. But you aren't THE ONE. If you were then you'd have a commitment already.
Do not have a baby with someone who will not commit to be with you when you have made it plain that the commitment matters to you.
Go while you still can and it's only a house to sort out. You deserve something better, not to wait around while he's still looking around for an alternative.

ZaZathecat · 09/09/2016 14:06

If he suddenly turns around and says "Yes let's get married!" it's not going to suddenly turn him into a kinder person, or make your relationship fabulous. Think of all the unhappiness he has given you, Don't waste any more time on him, there are NICE men out there.
And as for his mum's birthday, if your not his partner any more you don't need to go.

CalleighDoodle · 09/09/2016 14:11

I startsd reading thinking leave. Then saw youre 29 and stoppes reading. Leave now! Don't waste another second. Youre young.

CJCreggsGoldfish · 09/09/2016 14:13

Thank god you're only 29. You have to leave this relationship, it's not healthy for you. It will be hard as you've been with him so long, but I guarantee that after 6 months you'll look back and wish you'd left years ok. He's not the one for you, the one for you would treat you with respect, not cheat on you, and sit down and have an adult conversation about children and marriage (wanting either is not desperate).

Good luck to you OP, you have your whole life ahead of you, don't waste it on this user.

DownTownAbbey · 11/09/2016 08:05

You are many things to him. You are 'the norm', you are comfortable, a known quantity, somewhere he can get an easy shag, a property investment partner, a housemate, someone he can control with his temper. What you are not is wife material or the mother of his children. I bet if you left he'd be married to his next girlfriend and it would take considerably less than 15 years. It's what happens. I've seen it several times.

So you don't want to throw away 15 years? I get it. You've been together
Half your life. But let's pretend your relationship is a shop you've invested in. You've spend money, time and emotion setting up your dream business. You don't get the sales you expect and you're breaking even but not making a single penny profit. This goes on for 15 years. Do you continue working 12 hour days 7 days a week for nothing just because you spend all that time researching the area, all that money on shiny shop fittings? After 15 years you would cut your losses because if something isn't working by then it never will. It would be madness to carry on.

CatBallou2 · 25/12/2016 22:59

You don't want to spend more years with someone who makes you feel this way. Your relationship should be loving and caring.

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