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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

15 years and waiting

76 replies

user1473368252 · 08/09/2016 22:15

So to cut a very long storey short I've been with my partner for, you guessed it, 15 years will be 16 in January. Since then we have carved out our careers successfully, travelled, got on the property ladder and currently refurbishing house number 2. We were once engaged back in 2012 but this was over within less than 6 months because he cheated on me and he claims he never wanted to anyway.. Outside pressure! It was a short affair but took me a long time to get through it and I took him back and we started again this time under new management. It was the hardest thing I've ever done but we got through it, since then many promises have been made none of which ever came to fruition we never picked up from where we left after it felt right again even though he said we would. so I've waited and waited for a few more years. Had an eptopic preg lost a tube, he was tricked into that also apparently, so basically nothing has happened and there always something else or it's not logical you name it it's been said. Starting to think of that film His Just Not That In To You! Yeah sounds like it! There has been a huge loss earlier this year which has hit both of us very hard and has reminded us of how precarious life can be and I lightly mentioned about getting married very low keyed next year in summer don't need all the glitz and glam just simple and intermit. Ended in argument and me in floods of tears then he called me pathetic told me it's not logical with the house and so on. so ladies you have the whole story any advice for those who have been standing where I'm standing wondering what to do? His the same when you talk about kids I feel im with the biggest future faker going and I'm the fool going along for the ride Confused

OP posts:
ijustwannadance · 08/09/2016 22:49

You are only 29. He is stringing you along and you know it. If you want marriage and children, go have them with someone who loves and respects you.

MyKingdomForBrie · 08/09/2016 22:49

He called you pathetic. He has twice accused you of 'tricking' him into engagement and pregnancy - because without being 'tricked' he would never have done either of those things - I.e. he does not want to be married to you he didn't want a family with you. Not only that but he is contemptuous of you, and of the idea of these things with you and considers you pathetic for wanting them or thinking he might want you.

He does not love or respect you.

expatinscotland · 08/09/2016 22:49

Jesus wept! He doesn't want to marry you or have kids with you. EVER. You're buying into the Sunken Costs Fallacy. STOP. You need to leave, and the sooner the better. Houses can be replaced. Time you've lost cannot. And you are doing nothing but wasting time with this cheating, domineering arsehole of a manchild who treats you shabbily.

antimatter · 08/09/2016 22:51

I think he sounds like a not very nice human being.
You tricked him....
Yeah. Great way to hit you right where it hurts whilst you were still revovering from such painfull operation.

I would suggest trial separation. Once you mention it to him you'll see his true feelings for you. How he handles all of it. The financial implications and everything else.

You may realise that he has already planned his way out too.

mydietstartsmonday · 08/09/2016 22:52

Get out now, you are young enough to meet someone who things you are amazing and the most important person in the world. Leave now x

expatinscotland · 08/09/2016 22:52

Stop supporting him 100%, he doesn't fucking deserve it. He goes to his mum's birthday alone. Stop refurbing the house, time to sell it as is. He's playing you.

Zanashar · 08/09/2016 22:53

He's making lame excuse after excuse it sounds to me.
I actually know a couple who were together from school and didn't get engaged until they were 16 years in. Purely because he was incredibly hardworking and wanted to be at a certain stage in his career before he did so. They were also long distance for quite some time too. There was no infidelity, and as far as I know no putting things off etc.
Also you're only 29, still so young and with plenty of time to meet someone who will want the same things as you ( if you leave, that is). The longer you stay with him, the less time you leave yourself to meet a new someone. Yes, it will be scary being single for a bit, but it may actually do you the world of good to get to know your adult self better too.
No point having a lovely house if it's not actually a 'home'. Get out
Btw, I'm 38 and didn't meet DH until I was almost 31.

user1473368252 · 08/09/2016 22:55

Many of you say he hates me you know it's something I tell him regular that you must hate me what are you doing with me then? I don't hate you he says but you know I really this he does and I've not given him any valid reason to apart from stand up for myself must more than I used to. I really want him to be the one his not perfect no man is but he works hard his ambitious his been there for me in the early days and I've been there for him but I wish he would see that I cannot keep waiting and now he thinks I'm desperate it's very hurtful

OP posts:
Myusernameismyusername · 08/09/2016 22:56

I think hate is a weird word.
He doesn't love or respect you in the way a partner should. At all

Myusernameismyusername · 08/09/2016 22:57

It's not your fault. You haven't made him hate you. He doesn't sound like a very nice man

OldGuard · 08/09/2016 22:58

Think of this relationship as research, and your practice run.

It was awesome because it taught you how you do and don't want to be treated, what you do and don't want in a relationship, what does and does not make you happy, and where your boundaries are.

Take what you have learnt. Write down your minimum requirements for you to be happy.

Wave him goodbye and trust life and the universe to cause you to cross paths with someone who makes you happy.

You are only 29. Most of your adult life is still ahead. Don't ruin it by staying with him.

user1473368252 · 08/09/2016 23:00

Think a trial separation is a sensible option I've left before many times couple days here and there which he went on a rampage via text. He has loving parents and I wonder how on god earth he has turned out like this. Oh and recently he went out and bought a Ducati because yes you guessed it he needed it. Had the money there it seems I want it I have it been this way since a child and his 33!

OP posts:
Zanashar · 08/09/2016 23:02

life is too short to piss it away on maybes
I think that's your answer just there.

As others have already said, cut your losses and LTB. Personally any sort of infidelity would be the end of it for me.

user1473368252 · 08/09/2016 23:13

Lots of thinking to do I'm not going to force him to do it been blamed for that too many time before! Thanks for the advice seems it's inevitable that his going to keep doing this it's a shame he clearly never really loved me enough to anyway to us first just lies and broken unfulfilled promises. I really wish things were different and I'm the one with the turbulent upbringing he had it all perfect family and everything he ever wanted no idea how lucky he was it that he would care his belief systems is pretty fucked!

OP posts:
Lorelei76 · 08/09/2016 23:21

OP you are only 29.... There is a whole world of good stuff to enjoy without clinging on to a horrible git like this.

No offence but if you've been with him since 14 you really don't know what life alone or with a decent bloke involves. Get out. Like, yesterday!!!

keepingonrunning · 08/09/2016 23:21

I would not look on loving parents as a predictor of the kind of person he is. There is no guarantee that lovely parents = lovely child.
He's shown you who he really is. Believe it.
With a trial separation he might set himself the challenge of persuading you back and laughing to himself in triumph when he 'wins' again, which he will make sure he does.
It will be hard but I think you are putting off the healthiest option for you - a clean break.

UpYerGansey · 08/09/2016 23:36

The home of your dreams means nothing if you share it with someone who doesn't love you and tries to understand you and meet your needs. It's a straw house.
Gather yourself, and go. You are young. Don't waste any more time on this man.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 08/09/2016 23:42

You've been with him half your life. Breaking up with him would be like leaving home for the first time. No wonder you're scared. But the signs are all bad.

He thinks you tried tricking him into fatherhood and he's already cheated on you - and you're upset because he doesn't want to marry you?

Are you mad? He doesn't care about you the way your DH should care about you. All the excuses - there are far too many excuses. He's stringing you along, thinks you're pathetic. Get out now. Now!

When I first read 15 years my heart sank, thinking of my dear neighbour who spent so long with a time-wasting bastard she missed the boat with the babies she dreamed of, but you're not yet 30. Loads of time to meet someone lovely and have dcs. Go and get on with it, why don't you? Smile

JaniceBattersby · 08/09/2016 23:46

There are many really nice men out there. You've been with this man since you were a child so I appreciate you don't know any different. But get out there, find someone who loves you and wants to marry you.

Didactylos · 09/09/2016 00:57

OP, he will waste your time and more of your years, your youth, fertility and sense of self as you wait for him to treat you like a human and an equal
and when he finally decides to grow up he will be able to swan off and think about starting a family and settling down

Look up the sunk costs fallacy and get out
don't let 15 years extend to 20 years and your chance at a relationship and children with someone who loves you

timeisnotaline · 09/09/2016 01:06

I'm glad you're only 29 so you can leave this pathetic man and find your own life while still young! Please please be single before your 30th (he would get you a crap present anyway I'm sure, there is a thread somewhere about crap presents) and have a great night out!

Glastokitty · 09/09/2016 01:12

Come on OP, you know the answer to this. This relationship is deader than a dead duck. He doesn't really love you, and a house and a holiday are not worth hanging on to for the sake of having a crappy awful partner (and he is!). You are only 29, plenty of time to meet someone who wants everything you want. You deserve a lot better, you just have to be brave and take a leap into your beautiful new future where you are free to meet someone who wants to marry you and have babies with you. This man has told you he doesn't, please listen to him.

SandyY2K · 09/09/2016 01:13

Leave him while you have youth on your side. He's made it very clear he doesn't want marriage. Please believe him. Don't waste your time and don't waste your childbearing years with him.

He's ... as I say.. as useful as a knitted condom.☺

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/09/2016 06:44

"It's not easy to throw 15 years away"

That is the sunken costs fallacy right there and it simply causes people to keep on making poor relationship decisions.

What do you get out of this relationship now? Nothing good from what I can see.

georgethecat · 09/09/2016 06:49

Leave.

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