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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH says I am trying to fundamentally change him....

59 replies

handsfree · 08/09/2016 21:42

We have ongoing issues with the fact that dh just forgets an awful lot of things, conversations we've had, things I've asked him to do, things relating to family life etc and flowing from this, the fact that I feel he just is never really listening to me eg frequently I will say something to him and he will say the same thing back to me 10 minutes or even a day later, with no recollection that I have said this to him already.

We have talked about this before, I tell him that it makes me feel unimportant, ignored, unlistened to. We most recently had this conversation last night (after he forgot to come home to take our eldest in for his first ever day at school) and he didn't even remember that we've had conversations about this as an issue before Angry

No he doesn't have actual memory issues, he just says he doesn't have a very good memory. However, he holds down a very busy well paid job (ie 6 figures) so it is my opinion that it can't be that bad, and it seems more selective than across the board.

He says that asking him to address this is trying to fundamentally change him. I think that is a lazy excuse to continue to ignore stuff he's not really interested in.....

Any advice?

OP posts:
Arfarfanarf · 09/09/2016 07:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lottiegarbanzo · 09/09/2016 07:53

He must have tactics to deal with this at work. He admits he's always had a poor memory, he knows it, it's his responsibility to address his acknowledged problem.

The question is, is it actually a problem for him at home? Does he care that you have to organise everything and pick up his slack? Clearly not.

For that to happen, he would need to care about how you feel and about fairness at home. Plainly he doesn't.

Self-confessed scatty people, surely you're grateful to your OHs for picking up after you? You sometimes feel and say sorry when your scattiness causes them a problem? Or do you, like OP's DH think 'screw you, I don't care about you, I'm entitled to your help, so shut up'?

The line above about him changing you into his carer is a good one.

Isetan · 09/09/2016 07:57

I think he's right you are trying to change him, this is who he is and it appears he has no intention of changing. He's basically saying that this is the price you pay for being in a relationship with him and only you can decide if it's worth it.

Handwringing won't get you out of this one because you feeling undervalued, isn't something which apparently concerns him enough to improve his behaviour. Necessity is the mother of all invention and right now, there are no negative consequences for him for his behaviour. Is your marriage at risk if this continues? If so, now is the time to let him know, before resentment (the relationship killer) really set in.

TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince · 09/09/2016 07:59

I start any conversation with my who can be similar with the words "Pay attention and look at me"

It helps sometimes. I also make him repeat back to me anything that's ultra important

It pisses me off too

Homebird8 · 09/09/2016 08:00

Well maybe he does have a memory problem. And maybe it's one he's had for a long time and is not degenerative Then he must have that issue all the time. He is successful at work so he must have strategies he employs to overcome his shortcomings. If he has strategies why do you see no evidence that he is using them in the home environment?

The smells really bad. He doesn't listen, he doesn't feel or accept responsibility, he doesn't care.

pleasemothermay1 · 09/09/2016 08:02

People choose what they want to remember

People manger to remember to feed there children, wash , dress and eat however they forget to put out the bins , cleans hmmm

pleasemothermay1 · 09/09/2016 08:04

Exactly these people sayin oh I have awful memory but hold down a job

No it's you will be scaled "if you forgot" so you don't

blueskyinmarch · 09/09/2016 08:09

He sounds exactly like my DH. Holds down a highly valued position at work, 6 figure salary etc and he remembers absolutely nothing i ever say to him. He will deny ever having had conversations. It is always the conversations about low level stuff but it it stuff that matters to me, the DC the running of the house etc. It has led to many arguments. Then when i get cross somehow he makes me seem unreasonable for losing my shit.

I have no advice for you OP but i am with you!

Badders123 · 09/09/2016 08:14

I got this with Dh sometimes. Drove me MAD
I now use text and e mail to discuss issues and information he needs to know/reminders.
I can prove I sent it and that he received and read it :)

amyboo · 09/09/2016 08:14

Shared calendar on your phones with notifications? Works great for me and DH. I add things to the iCloud calendar, colour coded per child, with reminders, and share them to his phone and mine. That way he can't pretend he didn't know. We do the same thing with lists/notes of things to remember..... DH doesn't mean to forget, his head just doesn't work in the same way as mine. He's great in many other ways :-)

Hoppinggreen · 09/09/2016 08:15

What is wrong with trying to fundamentally change something that is crap anyway?

RawPrawn · 09/09/2016 08:19

Fucking hell. The knots some women tie themselves in. Colour coded reminders?

These men are taking the piss.

eatsleephockeyrepeat · 09/09/2016 08:30

I'm also interested how not coming home from work could mean he misses taking his child to school... Is his 6 figure job night work?

Not knowing your dh this could go one of two ways; defensive, scatterbrained workoholic or "this who I am, I don't change for no-one, like it or lump it!" man-child. I say man-child because only self-important teenagers really believe that "this is who I am, STFU" shit. Most grown adults accept the need to get along.

If he's a self-important man-child, sorry. You're gonna be banging your head against a brick wall with this one and he's never going to consider the impact of your emotions or your family life above his all important right to "be himself". Perhaps you can be okay with that, but it would annoy me to high heaven I'm afraid.

IF he's just being defensive because he doesn't want to accept he's been a bit of a shit and it kind of failing you and needs to do better, GOOD. Any chance he would accept the need to remember just one or two really important things to start with - let the rest slide for now? Start with a compromise? There's no way he should be forgetting his child's first day at school and not think he has a personal responsibility for remembering that, though. He needs to get off his high-horse either way.

amyboo · 09/09/2016 08:35

In fairness, the colour-coded reminders help me too. We have 3 kids, and DH and I both work full time in a country outside the UK where we have no family to help us out. Without the reminders I wouldn't know who was doing what on which day, when I had meetings, training days, etc ... And FWIW, as I mentioned DH does plenty in our family, it just so happens that I'm the organised one.

The scorn some women throw on others who do things differently or who shock are happy with their husbands.

CafeCremeEtCroissant · 09/09/2016 08:35

Years ago I'd have tried talking this out & working this out until I was blue in the face. Now I'd have one decent conversation about how it makes me feel & how it impacts everyone else. If it was still an issue after that I'd tell him to to sort his shit out or move out. Life's too short to live with such a selfish arse.

CafeCremeEtCroissant · 09/09/2016 08:37

eatsleep. If you'd read the OP's posts you'd know why.

Lweji · 09/09/2016 08:44

We do have limited memory capacity and concentration.

He is simply not giving enough attention to what he doesn't consider important.
It's significant that his children are in that category as well.

eatsleephockeyrepeat · 09/09/2016 08:50

CafeCreme I missed one update. Shoot me.

JeepersMcoy · 09/09/2016 09:03

I suspect at work he uses calendars, alerts and probably has a PA or at least other people about who remind him he is supposed to be somewhere or that a piece of work is due in that week. At home he doesn't have these props and is expecting you to stand in, which is clearly not your job.

I would suggest to him that he start using calendars or alerts apps for home stuff. If he won't do this then he is being unreasonable. Expecting him to be able to remember to do things he has agreed to is not trying to change someone it is asking them to be a reasonable grown up.

My dh is usually awesome but is driving me mad at the moment by expecting me to have an in depth knowledge of dd's starting school arrangements. There is no reason for me to know more about it than him, in fact as he is doing pick up and drop of the first day I would expect him to be more on it than me. I just keep pointing out that I don't know everything and the details are on the notice board where they have been for the last month. Hmm

sentia · 09/09/2016 09:10

If he has a six figure job then it's highly likely his job involves a lot of office politics. I don't mean petty intrigues, I mean subtle manipulative tactics to get other people to do what you want them to do. I work in a similar environment. These are usually people who are accustomed to getting their own way, and to winning.

What it means is the conversation he is having with you isn't necessarily straightforward. He likes not having to get mentally involved in running the house, he doesn't want that to change. So he's trying to get you to back off. The tactics will change if you find a way around the "don't try to change me" teenage response.

Ultimately all you can change is yourself. Draw a line. What will you accept? What won't you accept? Make it about outcomes not about behaviours, because behaviours are subjective and also quite individual.

Then tell him. Stick to it. See what he does.

BarbarianMum · 09/09/2016 09:11

Dh was a lot like this. What has helped was me not rescuing him. Once it was agreed that he would do xyz I left him to it, no reminders. Or me going ahead with things without his input, if he misses the input deadline (like this week when the fence we had installed wasn't the one he preferred because he hadn't found time to look at the quotes).

BarbarianMum · 09/09/2016 09:13

Oh and the other thing that helped was not trying to tell each other/discuss important stuff after 9pm week days. We realised we were just to knackered to take stuff in at this point.

Madinche1sea · 09/09/2016 09:40

OP, I have a DH whose head is always very full with work-stuff 24/7 because he runs various companies and there's hundreds of employees with issues, project deadlines, etc all the time.

He once admitted to me (after I had a go at him for not listening to me properly) that he finds it hard to focus on what he called my "he said, she said" stories Hmm He said he would be able to focus better if I could give him the conclusion to the story first and then go backwards to fill in the details.

So now I say to him, "I need to tell you to listen to this because .... (Insert the main point). Then I fill in the hows and whys later.

To me it seems like a backwards way of talking, but it does seem to work with him. He likes information delivered via bullet points. It can be annoying, but we make a point of going out, just the two of us, every week and he will listen to whatever then.

He will always make a real effort to reschedule around me and 4 DC though if he possibly can.

I also have access to his diary so just put things in that as and when which is useful.

Anyone can learn to listen better. It's a basic life skill. Your DH is being ridiculous to equate trying harder to s fundamental personality change. Tell him to get a grip.

Original poster
handsfree · 09/09/2016 09:50

Just popping in very quickly as I have to dash out but to answer one point that keeps coming up, he actually doesn't have a pa, he is responsible for himself at work.

OP posts:
Original poster
handsfree · 09/09/2016 09:50

I promise to come back and read properly asap, thanks for all the replies!

OP posts: