I've done something terrible, what next?

[20yrsago]

Hi,

I am prepared to be judged for this as I know how awful I've been, but I need to let it out.

I've ended an emotional affair & I'm trying not to contact him, I miss the communication but know it's a terrible thing and I can't do it anymore.

I understand why it started: 2 young children one who has many hospital trips, no communication with DH, feeling alone, hideous and unappreciated, my best friend dying, my other friends not bothering. none of this excuses what I did.

the OM (an old friend) contacted me over and over again and to begin with I told my DH as I found the messages too much, but after a while it was just nice for one person to ask me how I was... I ended up sharing with so many things and told DH the messages had stopped.

it came to a head when we met just over 2 weeks ago, we talked for hours and then he kissed me, I didn't want this, I don't want to break my family up. I want to fix everything with my DH.

Everyone in this deserves better than me, I don't even know what I am doing writing this, just that it's stopping me from contacting OM. I need to fill my time and avoid vulnerable times by focusing on my family... I just need the gap to disappear.

I have no idea how I ended up like this. I take full responsibility for my actions... but I don't understand anything any more

Hey none of us are infallible. It sounds like you want to fix things so crack on and stop feeling guilty, it's a pointless emotion. Maybe you can tell the OM how you feel and tell him you want to make your partnership the priority. Big hug xxx

As said before lovely guilty is a pointless and useless emotion, I also believe your dh bares some responsibility for this.

He has allowed a void to develop where by you have been left struggling and exhausted, someone who it sounds like pushed harder than he should have at your boundaries took advantage.

Yes you are responsible in part op but, it sounds like there are very exhausting extenuating circumstances, your ea is not the problem it's a symptom of a bigger problem, namely your relationship or lack of care from your dh.

thank you, didn't expect any understanding.
I've told OM not to contact me, but I miss someone asking me how I am... the thought that someone was thinking of me.

I know that there were weird circumstances for us both, I don't blame him or DH, just me.

I also know what I am missing in my marriage & that we need to fix things... I'm so bloody exhausted by it all.

finally sobbing behind sunglasses at the park, maybe I just need to let it out?

Absolutely let it out.
You know what you were doing was wrong.
But what do you and your DH need to do now to fix your marriage?
Have you had relate counselling?
Have you had a heart to heart with him to tell him how you feel and what you need?
Have you had a discussion as a couple to understand what each needs from the other?

It sounds like lovely it's gonna come out regardless of whether you give it permission, I would also say make sure you have not been a martyr. If you can say that you have asked for help and told everyone how bad things are for you and been ignored ok.

But if you've held it together with sticky back plastic and on a whim and a prayer, not wanting to upset anyone then your being unreasonable to yourself and everyone else. If you need help then demand it, if you need to express yourself then do it.

If after you have satisfied yourself that you have done and said all you can to get help and still none came, then you can't be blamed for what might happen next .

And I'm so sorry for your loss

we went to relate when things were really bad with communication because of the youngest one. that helped but we can't get anymore as the times don't work with work and children.

I've told him what needs to change but he sees it all as being me, he's probably right, the DC take up so much energy and after them and work, I do struggle to keep going when he is here to be good company. it was easier with OM as it was in writing and on the phone.

everything is all jumbled up inside me. but at least I haven't contacted him.

Depends if you love your husband, the other man or the situation was just symptomatic of your situation at that point in time?

What's the other mans situation why has he got so much time on his hands?

Oh OP, my heart goes out to you. Of course there are other people to consider, most more innocent in this than you, but that doesn't mean you don't deserve compassion and understanding. You don't become worthless for going down a path you now deeply regret, so with that in mind I want to talk to you about you, and not the other people who have inadvertently been brought with you on this journey.

I can tell you now, an emotional affair can destroy you, and it can destroy your whole world. If you let it. It's like a small part of who you are gets out of control while the rest of you has to watch as your whole world is torn apart. The guilt can hollow you out and make you a shell, and your family need YOU, not a sad, regretful husk to burden their days. So don't think you can make this all better by tearing strips off yourself and promising to repent for all eternity. That will be that small part of you continuing to destroy your world. Don't let it.

What I can tell is that you wanted someone to look after you. To ask you how you are. To care. You know who most ably cares about us and takes care of us through the darkest and loneliest times? OURSELVES. You clearly had a draining time and perhaps were at your weakest, and you looked for that comfort outside of yourself because you were too exhausted for it to exist from within. Well good news: YOU'RE BACK. And it's time to take control. It's time to be the person who asks everyday "are you okay?" and if you're not, YOU WILL FIX IT FOR YOURSELF. Do nice things for yourself. Ask for what you need from your friends and your partner. Don't be afraid to be strong, advocate for yourself, stand up for yourself, because you've seen a glimpse of the destruction that can come from letting a small piece of you convince you to buy into the idea that you "need" something you do not want to choose. And you are worth it! You don't want this in your life, you don't need it, and you can choose happiness. Choose to be the best person you can and everyone will benefit from you.

Don't judge yourself on what you've already done; you've been presented with the opportunity to make yourself. It's not too late. It won't be easy, you will falter as you go, but judge yourself on how you emerge from this, not how you got here. Now have a tissue and go get a coffee :)

Eatsleep, nice post but I think most things on here get way over complicated. It could be that OP is just unhappy in her marriage.

Then she can go out there and take the steps she need to take to deal with that. You usually only do things know you will regret because you don't have the self-esteem to deal with things (which may themselves make you sad) in a way in which you can at least be comfortable with.

Ok then

Sorry, didn't mean to be "Eatsleep knows best" - I don't! Just putting it out there and if it's something OP can relate to she can take it, and if not she can put it to one side and say "I don't see myself in that". You may well have the crux of the matter LoveRosie :)

eatsleep you may know best...
OM is engaged, but not seemingly happily. I've told him to focus on that. He works alone and so has time when he can contact me. I'm currently off work, back soon thankfully as will be busy and distracted.

I do/did/do love DH, but it's all got forgotten in the mix of looking after a sick child.

I do need to worry out how to fix it, he has no idea that anything is wrong.

I just need to find some space for me...

You are being very hard on yourself, it seems obvious that you have been left to deal with and juggle so much on your own with no support from your other half. It's not surprising you found a bit of comfort elsewhere. The main thing now is- do you love your husband and want it to work? Does he? If so then he has to accept he's at least half responsible for what's happened and for putting it right, and counselling is probably the only way forward, I know you said you had some already but it might be worth trying again. I think men often do shift blame on to partners as it allows them to avoid facing up to their part in the state of the relationship, I know mine did as it was easier just to blame me when actually we could have survived a crisis if we had been stronger as a couple, and the reasons we weren't stronger were at least 50% down to him. Sounds similar to your situation. Hope you can work things out if it's what you both want. Don't take too much guilt on yourself, take care of yourself and good luck

O God not another unhappy engaged one. I have had 2 of these in my past life, both big time wasters and went on to marry the woman and are still with them! Stay well away and work on your marriage if that's what you want .

What a catch he is - NOT.

yuk, yuk and yuk again. He gets off on seducing a married woman? When he's engaged? YUK

Really, this 'man' is a slime. He has seduced you when you are low and raw.

My heart goes out to you

It's worth remembering that misery loves company. When you're down and feel helpless it's validating to share those feelings with someone who feels the same. The conversation's a bit like this:

"Life's terrible and I feel there's nothing I can do about it".
"My life's terrible too, but we could have each other and whilst that wouldn't fix things for us at least we'd both feel better".
"I mean I'd rather life just wasn't so tough and that I could get a hug and some more support from the person I love... but if we're both in situations we don't like and can't change perhaps the small kindnesses you offer could give me just a little of what I feel I need..."

But you CAN change your situation. Grief is a powerful thing - not just grief after bereavement, but grief over all life's hardships - and it can get on top of you. And that's okay. For a while. But at some point (for you that sounds like now) you have to see it for what it was; a period of time when you were swamped, at sea with no life raft, and you went down a path you're not proud of. You can forgive yourself that. What you will struggle to forgive yourself for is seeing that things have to stop but not finding the strength in yourself to change things.

I'm sure you'll find it hard to hate this man who no doubt you may even feel grateful to for being something you could lean on when you needed it. You don't have to hate him, that's okay. But what you can do is want what's best for him, which is also what's best for you, which is to face up to your problems and tackle them head on. To have the self-respect to see this for what it was, put it behind you and invest fully in your life again, whatever the outcome. And if he should happen to come back, to not want to let you go, you will know he needs the space from you more than ever, and that he is not deserving of you - because he will be failing himself in a way that you will not be failing, because you will have the self respect to value your own life. And this should keep you strong!

Don't make yourself sad OP. You sound like you've had such a lot on your plate, and I imagine there are so many respects in which you're doing fantastically well. Do you think you can ask for and find the support you need? Perhaps from your husband, perhaps from a friend or family member, a hobby or interest, or even from a professional, but support that won't make you feel as bad as it does good? Get some "you" back in the mix, and don't let this little bit of you define you.

thank you for the kindness, I really did not expect that...
I think from the outside everyone thinks I'm coping with everything wonderfully. I'm not. I'm really not.
maybe this was the wake up i needed

Just also wanted to say these type of men make you feel sorry for them in some way. Remember no one is holding a gun to his head making him get married.

Also when he does get married you will feel even lower, so yes keep it no contact. Just feel sorry for his future wife.

But Rosie, while he did do the chasing and wearing down, I should have put my family first. I'm just as disgusting as him. What sort of person am I?

I feel so sick.

What sort person are you? A human one.

In your case you were just feeling low and he tried to take advantage of that. The fact you feel bad and guilty about it is a good sign, it means you care about your marriage and family life. So from now on onwards and upwards!

Calm down, you're ok you haven't done anything that bad.

See this as a positive it has made you value your marriage.

Just cut contact with this man and concentrate on your husband.

If there's a chance this other man will turn spiteful and tell your husband I'd be transparent with your DH first.

All this comforting and sympathy can only imagine if it was the OP saying how her DH was the one who had the EA.

So predictable here at times.