I've done something terrible, what next?

[20yrsago]

Hi,

I am prepared to be judged for this as I know how awful I've been, but I need to let it out.

I've ended an emotional affair & I'm trying not to contact him, I miss the communication but know it's a terrible thing and I can't do it anymore.

I understand why it started: 2 young children one who has many hospital trips, no communication with DH, feeling alone, hideous and unappreciated, my best friend dying, my other friends not bothering. none of this excuses what I did.

the OM (an old friend) contacted me over and over again and to begin with I told my DH as I found the messages too much, but after a while it was just nice for one person to ask me how I was... I ended up sharing with so many things and told DH the messages had stopped.

it came to a head when we met just over 2 weeks ago, we talked for hours and then he kissed me, I didn't want this, I don't want to break my family up. I want to fix everything with my DH.

Everyone in this deserves better than me, I don't even know what I am doing writing this, just that it's stopping me from contacting OM. I need to fill my time and avoid vulnerable times by focusing on my family... I just need the gap to disappear.

I have no idea how I ended up like this. I take full responsibility for my actions... but I don't understand anything any more

sherlock, really didn't expect one ounce of understanding. you are right

I'm sorry for your loss too. And also for your unhappy circumstances.

But I wonder how all these kind posters would be if it was your husband who had the EA?

Ah. Just seen Sherlocks post.

As you were.

bikini, I know what the reaction would be because that is what I am thinking myself. perfectly prepared for that.

I have a child who also has a lot of appointments due to medical isues and the day to day stuff can be very wearing . If you are getting very little support you will be vulnerable and your husband should be there to shoulder the burden and stand by you. No one is saying you have not made mistakes but we all have and you are not a terrible human being because of this slip. Forgive yourself. Get some support if you can . Maybe there is a support group with other parents in same situation who can get along side you. I hope you can work things out with your husband and that things get better for you .

Yes same flapjack that where my sympathy came from and a life long learnt awareness of when men are taking the piss.

I go to hospital at least once a week. DH has been less than a handful of times, still doesn't excuse me, but does make me think I need to fully be aware of the root causes.
the hospital psych team are going to see me so maybe that will help.

I just want to not end up here again...

Sorry but I would the same amount of compassion for a bloke in the same situation. None of us are infallible

Even if your husband cannot physically be at the hospital for appointments he should still be emotionally available to you which is really what you need more than anything else I would imagine. I hope that you can find a way to reconnect and improve things in your marriage but obviously that depends on him also being willing to work on it as well. You are certainly dealing with a lot of different stresses and any support you can access has to be a good thing I think. Go easy on yourself and take it a day at a time is my advise. All the best