I just got back today from my work trip. Before I left he knew that things were not good. I wasn't feeling well and didn't have the strength to confront him while I felt under par. Also didn't want to upset him and then leave him to mind the kids. He knew I wasn't happy though and he tried to start the conversation with me anyway, said that he felt like I was making him feel bad and that I kept giving him hateful looks and that I was treating him like he was being mean, etc. It was strange to kind of observe it from a distance with the knowledge that I have now from the articles I've been reading and from Lundy Bancroft's book which I heard about through MN. He was turning all his bad behaviours back onto me as if it was me that was doing it all.
When I was going he was all puppy dog eyes and long gentle hugs and just sad. It's the hardest part of it all and the most confusing. Also, while I was gone he left me alone (normally when I go away he sends me texts or messages saying how difficult things are and how the children are acting up and when am I going to be home).
But then I got home today and he had gone on a cleaning campaign of DCs bedrooms. My DD (11) had gone to a friend's house and when I went to get her she was telling me how he had been shouting at her and had insisted she put all her teddy bears in a rubbish bag so he could wash them even though she was afraid some of them would be ruined. She said she had left the house in a run so he would stop shouting at her because "he is like a ticking time bomb and the countdown is going and when it gets to zero he will explode". I listened quietly, taking it all in, allowing myself to hear it, listen to her and not try to explain it away.
When she got home she saw that he had put all her teddy bears and dolls through the wash and that a few of them had been ruined. She was inconsolable and he was unapologetic, telling her to be quiet because she should be grateful that he had spent all that time cleaning her room. He is really pissed off with me right now because I wouldn't back him up but there was no way I was going to agree with him. He's angry because he says that my not backing him up means that she is rude to him and has no respect for him. I have just finished consoling her because the bathroom and kitchen are covered in her dripping wet toys, some of them had squeakers and hadn't been meant to be washed like that so they are indeed messed up.
I closed the door and sat with her in her bedroom and let her tell me about what had happened. While we were in there my DS (5) came in to comfort her and brought her a teddy with a battery in it that she had hidden in his wardrobe so it wouldn't get washed. He was so sweet trying to make her feel better. She said she had tried and tried to tell H that she didn't want him to wash them all, that they would get ruined, but that he had shouted at her to obey him. It just seems so cruel. To act like you are doing some good deed by cleaning your child's bedroom, but actually traumatising them like this.
I'm about to go downstairs now. I don't know what I'm going to say, or how this is going to go from here. I'm sick to my stomach with the anxiety but so angry as well. And the anger is good!