DH keeps forgetting to do things I ask him...

[Autumnalleaves]

After a bit of perspective on an argument with DH. Appreciate that this is not exactly in the realms of the cheating/ abusive Hs often discussed on this board, but it led to a big argument for us, so....

DH relatively often forgets to do something I've asked him to do. This has been going on for years, but examples from the last five days:

He was going to the supermarket. I asked him the pick up a birthday present for my nephew we were seeing the next day from the shop opposite the supermarket. When he got home, I asked him what he got and he'd forgotten. He went out that evening to get it.

Before he did the supermarket shop, I asked him to get a particular drink from the superrmarket for some relatives who were coming over later, that I know they like. He forgot. He went and got them at the last minute just before the relatives arrived.

I arranged for something to be freecycled. The thing came with a couple of accessories, which happened to be stored in a different place in our house than the main thing. I asked him to give the person collecting the main thing the accessories too (as promised in the post on freecycle). He forgot. I arranged for the woman to collect them again.

So these are all pretty trivial examples, but it happens so often that it's left me feeling that he basically doesn't care about things I ask him to do. He can't be bothered to remember them, and so it feels like he can't be bothered to listen to me or do some relatively simple things for me - it honestly feels like he doesn't care about what I want, or place value on me, if he can't be bothered to do these small things.

I find it mentally exhausting to have to check up on whether he's done every small thing I ask him to do, and frankly feel I'm not his mother and should be able to trust him to do them. He has a perfectly responsible job which he appears to do well - how come he can't remember simple home-related tasks. It's more wifework that I could do without.

I said this to him and he completely flew off the handle (totally out of character). He said I was being very unfair, and that I needed to get a sense of poroportion and perspective. These were small things, he rectified most of them, and they don't matter. He just forgot and it's totally not showing he doesn't care about me. He was very busy on the particular day in question (he works part time and that day was one of his SAHD days) and I'm not grateful for all the things he DID do that day, it's hard for him to remember everything.

He is usually a very calm, laid back person, but this turned into a mega argument. I was quite shocked at how it turned out.

So, am I being a complete control freak who is making a huge deal out of trivial matters? Or should he just get a grip and do the things first time? I wondered whether it was something to do with the Five Love Languages - I haven't read the book, but from what I read on here and that website, I wonder if I set great store by 'acts of service' being an act of love, and he totally doesn't get that, and doesn't find that meaningful love language to him.

I'd be really interested in others' perspectives.

Though I don’t think this is only about remembering versus forgetting. I also think that there’s an element of good manners involved. Agreeing to be interrupted at home or to wait in for a freecycle collection is doing a favour, maybe a small one but still one that deserves the recognition of a please and a thank you. Thinking about what to pack up and hand over is an additional favour, one that also deserves to be requested beforehand and thanked afterwards. Not just taken for granted that it will be done and then get criticised if it didn’t happen.

As for collecting the child, it isn’t about you asking the mother to ask DH, it’s about you having the consideration to say to your DH “well she needs help and I owe her a favour, I thought you’d be fine with it so I said yes, is that OK? Thanks very much, I really appreciate it” rather than just assuming it will be fine. If you are not making a point of asking and thanking then you might come across as rather dismissive of him and very much as if you take him for granted.

Or if you’re thinking about Love Languages, you might think about giving more Words of Affirmation in exchange for those Acts of Service?

unfortunately i am just like him. im 23 and a female but i cant remember when people tell me to do things, i dont know why, sometimes when i remember im lucky as its right at the last second that i needed it done by,

im often asked to do things and i say yes and what not but then it just completely disappears from my mind, trust me its not that we dont care... it just literally goes from the mind, i now have to set reminders and have a planner with me all the time otherwise nothing would get done.

biggest one is washing, i completely forget to put the wash in / take it out.

I have found a whiteboard in the kitchen solves some of these issues. DH also writes lists on his phone (basically he likes to remember using technology and also enjoys crossing things off). I think you're not unreasonable to be annoyed, but your DH's explosive reaction suggests he feels he screwed up, anyway.

He needs to start writing lists if he has a problem remembering.

I don't see anything wrong with the things you have asked him to do. IMO they are all 'family' things - getting rid of clutter, buying gifts and favoured drink for family, helping another family with the school run. It is not unreasonble to ask him to get involved.

My DH was like this but does now write lists. We do make an effort to be polite and thank each other for the things we carry out on behalf of the family - from loading the dishwasher to bigger things like remortgaging. It can be a drudge, so nice that our efforts are recognised.

I think the suggestions for you to forget will result in you doing all/most of the "Wifework" (ie the thinking) and then the resulting actions which doesn't seem fair.