DH keeps forgetting to do things I ask him...

[Autumnalleaves]

After a bit of perspective on an argument with DH. Appreciate that this is not exactly in the realms of the cheating/ abusive Hs often discussed on this board, but it led to a big argument for us, so....

DH relatively often forgets to do something I've asked him to do. This has been going on for years, but examples from the last five days:

He was going to the supermarket. I asked him the pick up a birthday present for my nephew we were seeing the next day from the shop opposite the supermarket. When he got home, I asked him what he got and he'd forgotten. He went out that evening to get it.

Before he did the supermarket shop, I asked him to get a particular drink from the superrmarket for some relatives who were coming over later, that I know they like. He forgot. He went and got them at the last minute just before the relatives arrived.

I arranged for something to be freecycled. The thing came with a couple of accessories, which happened to be stored in a different place in our house than the main thing. I asked him to give the person collecting the main thing the accessories too (as promised in the post on freecycle). He forgot. I arranged for the woman to collect them again.

So these are all pretty trivial examples, but it happens so often that it's left me feeling that he basically doesn't care about things I ask him to do. He can't be bothered to remember them, and so it feels like he can't be bothered to listen to me or do some relatively simple things for me - it honestly feels like he doesn't care about what I want, or place value on me, if he can't be bothered to do these small things.

I find it mentally exhausting to have to check up on whether he's done every small thing I ask him to do, and frankly feel I'm not his mother and should be able to trust him to do them. He has a perfectly responsible job which he appears to do well - how come he can't remember simple home-related tasks. It's more wifework that I could do without.

I said this to him and he completely flew off the handle (totally out of character). He said I was being very unfair, and that I needed to get a sense of poroportion and perspective. These were small things, he rectified most of them, and they don't matter. He just forgot and it's totally not showing he doesn't care about me. He was very busy on the particular day in question (he works part time and that day was one of his SAHD days) and I'm not grateful for all the things he DID do that day, it's hard for him to remember everything.

He is usually a very calm, laid back person, but this turned into a mega argument. I was quite shocked at how it turned out.

So, am I being a complete control freak who is making a huge deal out of trivial matters? Or should he just get a grip and do the things first time? I wondered whether it was something to do with the Five Love Languages - I haven't read the book, but from what I read on here and that website, I wonder if I set great store by 'acts of service' being an act of love, and he totally doesn't get that, and doesn't find that meaningful love language to him.

I'd be really interested in others' perspectives.

Seems like there is a split on the thread which basically represents my confused mind. Either:

He's a grown up, he should be able to remember simple things, not doing them shows a basic lack of respect for me,

Or

They're trivial things, he isn't malicious (this is true), he often fixes them, I should just take a deep breath and get on with my life / marriage.

Just to say I absolutely don't think (paid) working is necessarily harder than paid PT working / SAHP. I currently do the school run / before and after school childcare on 2 out of 5 days, he does it on 3 out of 5 days. I have spent many years working PT, doing the childcare for pre-school DC, and he has too. So I do have a very good insight into what that is actually like with our DC.

Going to bed now but I do appreciate all the thoughts, lots to mull over.

I would consider how often you are asking him to do stuff. How many times a week? Does he get to give you a list of jobs too?
The bit that sticks out for me is that he said "it didn't matter" when he flew off the handle. That says to me he either thinks that what you ask him to do isn't important or he doesn't see why he should do as he's asked. (In that case he should say no!)
As an aside I do a few jobs for DH. Like pick up repeat prescriptions as he works full time. I think it does matter. I always write it on the calendar so I know when I next need to do it. If he cared enough then he'd find a way of remembering. You don't sound like his priority TBH or maybe he resents being given "chores"?

I do think you are being a little unfair, if your examples are typical.

There were two things in relation to the supermarket, in addition (I imagine) to other things he was supposed to purchase.
I'd go with a list in those situations. And, honestly, I'd probably need one myself.

The freecycle thing, I'd probably forget about it myself, as well, particularly if I was in the middle of other things.
I do think it would have worked out best to take the other things out of storage (or ask him to do it there and then) and put them all together. Keeping them separately was a recipe for disaster to start with.

Apologies I haven't read all the comments but dh ilhas selective forgetfulness he remembers stuff important to him and that's it. I work pt so rarely ask him to do stuff but it seems simple tasks are beyond him as he forgets. I have to remind him of times Dc are at activities he always misses stuff off a shopping list and it's frustrating. I get op dh went out again to get the stuff but if like me life is busy that's a second trip. We all forget stuff but when it constantly happens as in my case it wears u down and at times feels like having an extra child u have to remind and check they have done what u asked. Dh is that laid back it doesn't bother him but it drives me crazy I work pt I manage the childcare house etc my head never stops thinking of what needs doing or where the kids need to be next he works full time that's it but can't remember to get a pint of milk that i asked him to get an hour ago ?? Yet ask him the footy score or to quote a monty Python sketch from years ago and he knows it pfft

It's because men do not see certain things as important - they are happy to let their wives do all the day to day stuff. My ex once left a message for himself to collect our son from nursery - what woman would ever have to do that ?

I don't think I constantly ask him to do stuff, and he does ask me to do stuff from time to time and I make an effort to remember.

I agree it's helpful to give him a list, and I do from time to time put reminders in his diary (eg to take someone else's child to school if another mum has asked me for a favour but it's a day he does the school run). It just feels a bit patronising to have to be in charge of ensuring he remembers.

With the freecycle thing, it would have been better for me to put the things together, but someone said they could collect it while I was still at work, but he was at home anyway, so rather than saying they couldn't collect the thing (because I needed to be at home to put the accessories together with the main thing), I thought I could just ask DH to give the freecycle person all the stuff! Clearly not!

Hm. I am trying to have a sense of perspective about this - most people on the thread are saying that I should, I think, but I just keep thinking "why can't he just REMEMBER!", and that he would if he cared....

re the school run. again, why are you agreeing favours that dont involve you doing them? just give them your dhs number and ask them to arrange direct with him if its his day. are you sure you dont see him as another employee?

If he only does this with you then you are right, he either isn't listening properly and/or doesn't care enough, he's an adult yes without any learning or memory difficulties?

I don't think you are controlling at all, it's pretty basic what you are asking of him, it would drive me up the wall and make me feel he didn't give a fuck, sorry.

otoh, it would drive me mad if dh was organising for me to do favours for other people, buy stuff for his family that he couldnt be bothered remembering, and arranging freecycle pickups when not available to do it. then again, I would tell dh to sort it himself so the ops dh perhaps doesnt mind but is just forgetful.

He is totally happy to walk other people's children to school - this week, it was a mum whose younger child, who has severe learning difficulties, was due to start reception in a special school, but had broken her foot two days before term started this week, and her leg is in plaster. So frankly when she asked if we could take her older DD to school I wasn't minded to say "sorry can you ask DH" but just said "yes, no problem happy to help out!"

And it just feels like there is no partnership if I can't arrange for someone to come to our house, while DH is there anyway, to collect something, rather than wait several days until I can personally be there, because I can't trust DH to do it properly. Surely that way massive resentment lies?

I feel your pain op as my H is the same. He doesn't read emails from the school as " he doesn't have time" but supposedly I do with a FT job, 2 voluntary roles and running the household/ sorting childcare.

if I can't arrange for someone to come to our house, while DH is there anyway, to collect something, rather than wait several days until I can personally be there, because I can't trust DH to do it properly.

To be fair to him, you could have left all the bits together so they wouldn't be forgotten.
As it was, your OH didn't remember, but the person collecting it didn't notice the missing bits either, and you didn't leave them all together.

My DH does this all the time. I text him now before he leaves telling him what we need so he knows to check his phone before he leaves the shop.

Sorry, I've just read the bit where you were at work.

all I can say is that I personally would not volunteer my dh for any favour without checking it with him first and I would go properly mental if dh tried it with me. he used to - it made him look good with no effort on his part, plus he didnt seem to think I had anything else to do. I outright refuse to do it if "volunteered" without my agreement. equally I would be absolutely fine, as that mum who needed a favour, with a "i'll just check with dh as its his day, in case he'sgot plans". it just shows basic respect imo.

having said that, as your dh hasnt complained, perhaps he is fine with it, I dont know

This is about taking responsibility for oneself. It is a sign of being an adult. To those who say why not text him or leave him a note - fuck no! You do not need to take reponsibility for an adult. A parent takes responsibility for a child. An adult takes responsibility for themselves.

If someone asks me to remember something I write myself a note.

The moment I realised my partner had not been taking responsibility for himself and I had been picking up the slack for YEARS was a massive wake up call. In all the tiny ways mentioned on this thread, and some big ones too. Still not over it but damn sure I recognise when it's happening again.

You probably remember things more easily than he does. With the present for your nephew, if my DH asked me to do that then I would insist he wrote it down for me and I would SAY that I would try to get it but not promise because if I was focussed on getting other stuff (the stuff on MY mental list of family shopping that you don’t think about) then I might forget. And if I forgot it then I would apologise but I’d see it as his job to fix - his nephew, his plan to buy a present, he tried to take advantage of the fact that I was already going shopping to save himself the effort of going to the shop but it didn’t work out. So it would still be DH’s job to get the present. I wouldn’t have gone out later to get it for him. Your DH is nicer than I am!

You expect your DH to treat all the tiny details of your complicated time-and-effort-saving plans just as seriously as you treat them. I wouldn’t. Your DH is not your PA or your spare right hand. If you made a freecycling arrangement and you expect certain things to be given away together then it’s up to you to pack up the bits and bobs together first so they don’t get forgotten. If doing it properly = doing it exactly the way you would do it then it ain’t going to happen.

I do from time to time put reminders in his diary (eg to take someone else's child to school if another mum has asked me for a favour but it's a day he does the school run)

I should hope so too! He didn’t even make the arrangement and you expect him to remember it. Maybe he would have said no because he might forget.

It just feels a bit patronising to have to be in charge of ensuring he remembers.

I’d take being patronised over being expected to be responsible for remembering the details of your arrangements.

kleinzeit you sound exactly like me!
and yes, good point about the school.run favour. I would probably ask the mum to text me a reminde as I am likely to forget otherwise, if I was making the arrangement directly for me

I think the sense of perspective I need to get is that overall he is a really decent bloke, thoughtful in some other ways, an excellent dad and no one's perfect. Including (especially?!) me, even if I am very good at remembering stuff....

I read quite a few threads and generally feel appalled by the behaviour of other men

But in this case, i feel that - as Graham Norton often says on his problem page - if this your biggest problem, then you must have a wonderful life

I do find the detailing of relative hours worked very unfortunate. In my case there was a much larger disparity, but I would never, ever raise this with anyone, particularly my DW. I'm sorry to say this but points-scoring is not healthy within a relationship

His getting upset is normal - I can't bear to be criticised my DW. At least in part because I rate her opinion so highly

Please stand back from the situation and see that it is really no big deal

I agree, YetAnother - I said in my OP that I'm totally aware that this is nothing compared to some of the issues you read about on the relationships board. I am absolutely not comparing my DH to some of those men. But as so frequently on mumsnet, it's not a competition to see whose problem is worse than yours. Have seen plenty of threads where someone is worry about a minor health issue and some people pile in saying "well, my MIL has just been diagnosed with cancer / had her leg amputated / was killed in a car crash - count yourself lucky!". So just because someone always has a worse problem than you, doesn't mean that you aren't allowed to seek advice on your less bad problem.

On posting our working hours etc, I only did this in response to specific questions from TendonQueen. I didn't include anything to do with that in my OP or previous posts. I would never ever say to DH "I worked 35.7 minutes more than you today so you have to make dinner". I think he thinks I pull my weight around the house and he pulls his weight too.

I think part of the problem is that often have to work really fast at work, to high standards, and I find it hard to come home and not continue that pace and those standards. I KNOW DH isn't a colleague and work is a different context. Just trying to work out why his not remembering small things irritates me. And coming on here is part of trying to figure out a way through this, and in the knowledge that it could be me, not him....

OP - your reply to my post indicates a more mature attitude than I suspect I would be able to muster. I wasn't trying to dismiss your problem, merely to provide perspective. So well done!

I think there is a clue here in that you delegate a lot at work. If you look at this as you would a work problem, you might find a way forward. I imagine that you try to delegate work according to what people would do well. So you wouldn't delegate stuff to him that he's not good at or interested in. But there may be other stuff which you currently take on which he would do well. Just ensure that you present it as his idea!

Just a thought

If he is putting right his own mistakes as it seems he is then he clearly isn't forgetting on purpose as he has been making additional work for himself in putting his mistakes right.

I agree with the suggestion to give him a list or a text to help him remember. None of us is perfect, and just because you and/or your team at work would not struggle with these tasks doesn't make your DH wrong for finding it difficult to perform them.

I understand it is annoying to have to follow up on the tasks because DH is unreliable in this respect but I feel you should just accept that this is how it works between the two of you and yes if it annoys you too much you have the option to do the task yourself.

Since you and your DH generally seem to act as a good team and share work to each other's satisfaction I would probably agree with your DH considering this stuff to be trivial whilst appreciating it is annoying.

I am pretty impressed with how your lives seem to have a lot of balance between work and life and also regarding the equitable distribution of household and family chores.

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