Blow up with martyr complex mum

[Mamaka]

Lots of history with my mum from when we were growing up. Dad was physically abusive and mum turned a blind eye. I've grown up to see her unfortunately as weak and a bit of a martyr. She gets her self esteem from looking after everyone else but herself, in fact it seems she likes to run herself down a bit so everyone will tell her how hard she works and how strong a person she is. You get the picture, yes I know how bitter I sound.

She looks after my 2 dc 2 days a week, it will go down to 1 dc 2 days a week as my eldest has just gone to school. I've pulled her up before on her lack of boundaries with them and also for undermining me (talking over me when I arrive and am sorting them out, telling them to get ready etc) she improves for a bit then goes back to how she was. I can't afford to pay for childcare, it wouldn't be worth me working and I also want to facilitate the dc's relationship with her.

Today she was changing my very tired 2 year old's nappy and he was kicking her arms so she couldn't do it. I asked her to let me take over and she said no she was fine. She then continued to struggle and get kicked. I said again, let me do it he's tired, she said in a snippy voice no I'll do it and carried on, holding my son's leg quite roughly, so I got up and grabbed the nappy and sort of barged her out the way. She tripped over a box of books on the floor but didn't fall and didn't hurt herself, she just stumbled and then huffed oh for goodness sake and went to pick up my dd, who really didn't need to be picked up. After I'd put them in the car I asked her if she would have ignored any other parent asking her to let them do their kid's nappy. She didn't answer but sort of blustered about saying things like I was only trying to help and you're overreacting. I got angry and shouted at her that she was always undermining me and disrespecting me as a parent and she shut the door and told me to stop shouting. I think all she was thinking about was if the neighbours could hear. She said she would never have spoken to her mum like that at my age and I said she needed to stop trying to portray herself as "good" and better than everyone just because she never gets angry.

Eventually I left. I didn't feel bad immediately afterwards but now I feel awful, guilty, anxious and ungrateful. But then I think, she's got me right where she wants me hasn't she?! Indebted to her eternally and never able to pull her up on anything because she looks after my dc and is the mother Theresa of her village.

Sorry this got so long.
Did I overreact? If so, how can I deal with it better next time? If not, what do I do to stop it happening again?

[nicknameinvalid123]

PS-does she make you feel indebted about the childcare by throwing it in your face ("after all I've done for you") or is it your own thoughts. Many posters are talking about childcare as if its a chore but often grandparents feel its a privilege to look after grandchildren.

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

You mentioned bitterly that you and your sister have stayed in the same town as her because it would be too hurtful for her if you moved away.

You said you think things would be better if you moved away.

Moving sounds like a good idea. Make your own life elsewhere. I get the impression you always wanted to but never dared. Moving away from.your parents is normal.

I have toxic parents. I moved away. It made everything a million times easier because I could live in a sane world without their baggage. Those who stayed had their souls hacked away a little every day.

[gonetoseeamanaboutadog]

You should definitely feel able to move away if you want or need to. It sounds like you desperately need space to think all this through and look at what you feel, without the pressure of a relational dynamic. What your mum did was wrong and IMO she's obliged to give you that space now as you work out how to let go of the burdens that her choices have left you with. It may be they're not as heavy as you think, but you need time and space to reflect.

[Mamaka]

Well unfortunately I succumbed to my impulsivity and pressed send, with some edited parts. I got a response very soon after, a long email, all very nicely worded but basically justifying her choices and saying clearly: Mamaka, I did my best so you cannot hold me responsible.

I absolutely cannot fathom allowing my dc to be, and see me being, battered, and then trying to squirm away from their anger later on and insist on a close relationship.

[Mamaka]

Remember - I'm sorry that you are in an abusive relationship and I'm very glad, for your teenage daughter especially, that you are getting out. I apologise if this offends you but this -> "ensured the kids stuck to his rules" sounds like the abuse WAS reaching your children. The rest of the things that you chose to do to keep him happy affected you, but this one affected your children. And as for seeing it in your own mother, well look how the cycle of abuse continued because of what your parents taught you. And now your daughter may go on to have an abusive relationship and she may well partly blame you.

I understand what you are trying to say but I cannot accept that the abusive man in the relationship is the only one teaching the dc how to have an unhealthy relationship and how not to have boundaries. There are 2 parents there and each one has responsibility. If one is abusive the other does not get to abdicate responsibility.

[sentia]

She's incorrect, you can absolutely hold her partly responsible. She was an adult, you were a child. Ultimately she failed to protect you, for whatever reason. Your hurt is very real, regardless of her intent.

But you also can't expect her to change. If you confront her only to get her to apologise then you have to admit to yourself that it might not ever happen.

[Batteriesallgone]

It doesn't sound like you are going to get anything decent back from her. A long email tends to shut down discussion.

I come from an abusive background. Both parents carry blame. Indeed in my case, siblings carry blame too. People who inflict pain are abusers; people who enable the inflicting of pain are abusers; people who cheerlead such behaviour are abusers.

I suspect part of your pain is because you are breaking the cycle of abuse. I know for my part what really winds me up about my siblings is that they aren't breaking the cycle. They are refusing to reflect, to learn. Children love learning, growing, understanding - there is something stagnant and rotten about someone who has been taught not to question, not to reflect. I feel like I can almost smell the decay on them.

You are trying to move on. You have broken the cycle with your children. If I were you I would move away if possible and reduce contact to what you are comfortable with. You owe her nothing.

[Mamaka]

Great post batteries!
I am looking at my options for moving away