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Relationships

Blow up with martyr complex mum

133 replies

Mamaka · 07/09/2016 19:39

Lots of history with my mum from when we were growing up. Dad was physically abusive and mum turned a blind eye. I've grown up to see her unfortunately as weak and a bit of a martyr. She gets her self esteem from looking after everyone else but herself, in fact it seems she likes to run herself down a bit so everyone will tell her how hard she works and how strong a person she is. You get the picture, yes I know how bitter I sound.

She looks after my 2 dc 2 days a week, it will go down to 1 dc 2 days a week as my eldest has just gone to school. I've pulled her up before on her lack of boundaries with them and also for undermining me (talking over me when I arrive and am sorting them out, telling them to get ready etc) she improves for a bit then goes back to how she was. I can't afford to pay for childcare, it wouldn't be worth me working and I also want to facilitate the dc's relationship with her.

Today she was changing my very tired 2 year old's nappy and he was kicking her arms so she couldn't do it. I asked her to let me take over and she said no she was fine. She then continued to struggle and get kicked. I said again, let me do it he's tired, she said in a snippy voice no I'll do it and carried on, holding my son's leg quite roughly, so I got up and grabbed the nappy and sort of barged her out the way. She tripped over a box of books on the floor but didn't fall and didn't hurt herself, she just stumbled and then huffed oh for goodness sake and went to pick up my dd, who really didn't need to be picked up. After I'd put them in the car I asked her if she would have ignored any other parent asking her to let them do their kid's nappy. She didn't answer but sort of blustered about saying things like I was only trying to help and you're overreacting. I got angry and shouted at her that she was always undermining me and disrespecting me as a parent and she shut the door and told me to stop shouting. I think all she was thinking about was if the neighbours could hear. She said she would never have spoken to her mum like that at my age and I said she needed to stop trying to portray herself as "good" and better than everyone just because she never gets angry.

Eventually I left. I didn't feel bad immediately afterwards but now I feel awful, guilty, anxious and ungrateful. But then I think, she's got me right where she wants me hasn't she?! Indebted to her eternally and never able to pull her up on anything because she looks after my dc and is the mother Theresa of her village.

Sorry this got so long.
Did I overreact? If so, how can I deal with it better next time? If not, what do I do to stop it happening again?

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QuiteLikely5 · 07/09/2016 22:16

No, you were there as the child but not as the mother.

Don't you think she's afraid to be angry around you or others? Maybe she is scared of upsetting you. I suppose you realise you crossed a line by moving her out of the way.

At least I hope you have.

Of course children become angry at their mother when they realise she isn't protecting them but don't you think she thought she was doing her best at the time, under the circumstances?

Don't you think she realises you pushed her because that's what you saw your father do?

DV is very complicated and you are a victim but so is she; her placid nature makes her an easy target

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AfricaNeedsaBenevolentDictator · 07/09/2016 22:17

How dare you barge your mother out of the way! Shock . In your own words she them stumbled over a pile of books, but didn't hurt herself! O yes thats definitely okay then Hmm. Imagine if OP had written this about a child she had 'barged' out of the way. You then carried on shouting at her but at the same time accusing her of undermining YOU in front of your children.

You are setting a terrible example for your children all by yourself.
You owe your mother a big apology and ensure you never behave so aggressively towards her again.

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Sassypants82 · 07/09/2016 22:18

Agree with the above. Also, I'd be concerned about your children witnessing you shouting at their grandmother, and 'barging' her out of the way. This is not good.

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Spartak · 07/09/2016 22:22

If she neglected you as a child, why are you leaving your own children with her?

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QuiteLikely5 · 07/09/2016 22:28

I know you are angry but you cannot underestimate the will it takes to leave an abusive relationship. That is seen on this board all the time. Women stay for all sorts of reasons but usually out of fear.

have a heart to heart with your mother, tell her how you feel about the past.......

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philmcracken · 07/09/2016 22:32

This hurts my head, you need to speak to a professional about your issues. I'm really trying to see from your point of view but even after reading your post again for about the 10th time, it's hard to feel anything but sorry for your mother.

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Mamaka · 07/09/2016 22:33

Spartak I actually don't know. This thread has made me think I should look into alternative care at least for one day. Maybe I've been letting this situation go on too long because I didn't want to lose the free care.

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NoMudNoLotus · 07/09/2016 22:35

OP you sound really unpleasant .

Where is your compassion for your mother?

Your behaviour was hurtful & needless.

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NoMudNoLotus · 07/09/2016 22:37

Your mother deserves respect OP not your anger.

She sounds like a lady with a lot of trauma who still has a lot to give.

Shame on you.

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Mamaka · 07/09/2016 22:37

"I know you are angry but you cannot underestimate the will it takes to leave an abusive relationship. That is seen on this board all the time. Women stay for all sorts of reasons but usually out of fear."

Quite - I know this, I really do. I lived it. I reached 13 and started trying to talk my mum into leaving. I remember telling her he couldn't do anything if we left, that was what the police were for. Still she stayed.

So often on this board you see women in dv situations being told to try and get out because it will affect the kids. Well guess what, yes it really does. People do not like to see it but they like to say it.

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NoMudNoLotus · 07/09/2016 22:39

So either forgive her or don't abuse her goodwill.

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Mamaka · 07/09/2016 22:41

"Also, I'd be concerned about your children witnessing you shouting at their grandmother, and 'barging' her out of the way. This is not good."

Sassy - also my concern. I'd be devastated if my dd treated me like this yet I know this is a risk. (They were in the car though for the shouting)

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Mamaka · 07/09/2016 22:49

"The OP offered to take over and her DM said, "No, I"m fine", only to get barged out of the way. That is an incredibly rude way to treat someone who is trying to help you."

Shiny - I'm trying to take everybody's comments on board and I totally agree that this was rude of me. But what if someone is actually trying to help because it kept up their mother Theresa image? I'm not saying this is necessarily the case with my mum but a lot of women of her generation seemed to just do things out of obligation and duty and keeping up appearances rather than genuinely wanting to. I personally don't believe that my mum is genuine with me.

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averythinline · 07/09/2016 22:50

I think you're getting a bit of a hard time here....I can completely see why you're angry with her and also how the nappy thing panned out....she fucked up being a parent to you and maybe trying to make amends by looking after your Dc...
But also sounds like she thinks she's having another go at being mum.... with the mummy comments..
I would really stop the childcare... even if it's not cost effective at the moment with 2/3yr old funding and working tax credit that might not be too much but would free you from dependency..
Then you can think about what sort of relationship you can have with her...if any but on your terms...

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GColdtimer · 07/09/2016 22:50

You seriously need to get some help with the anger you have for your DM. That is st the route of this and until you deal with it you will continue to mistreat her and set a terrible example to your children. I am sorry for what you went through but don't let it effect another generation. Flowers

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Mamaka · 07/09/2016 22:52

"she fucked up being a parent to you and maybe trying to make amends by looking after your Dc...
But also sounds like she thinks she's having another go at being mum.... with the mummy comments.."

Avery - yes this is how it feels, like she's got her chance again with a nice new shiny set of children that she parades around at every opportunity.

I know I know, I sound horrible.

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Nanny0gg · 07/09/2016 22:54

I'm not saying this is necessarily the case with my mum but a lot of women of her generation seemed to just do things out of obligation and duty and keeping up appearances rather than genuinely wanting to. I personally don't believe that my mum is genuine with me.

Then you shouldn't be expecting her to mind your children for free.

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Thingvellir · 07/09/2016 22:55

I think you need to find alternative childcare, the mix of unresolved anger/resentment (that you can work through with some professional help) and also dependence on her goodwill is creating an impossible situation.

As it stands, you can't appreciate the enormous support she is giving to you and your DC (for which she deserves gratitude and respect) because of the underlying legacy issues.

I feel for you and your mum as well and hope you can resolve this but think you need to remove the dependency on her free childcare to do so

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Mamaka · 07/09/2016 22:56

Nanny - you're right. I'm going to tell her tomorrow she doesn't need to do it any more.
I can almost guarantee she will get upset and beg me not to stop bringing them over.
Then what am I meant to do?

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AvaCrowder · 07/09/2016 22:59

I think you need to grow up a bit. Your mum is not in an abusive relationship now, don't put her back in one by being abusive.
Leave her to it it or spend time with her. Think about how much it hurts her to be on the end of it from you.
I know it's difficult, I had flash moments with my mum too, but you know we are all just trying our best here.
If your mum really likes to look after your children, some do, some don't then let her carry on. If she is only doing it to be closer to you then do something different with her.

What would you tell your mum if she was your friend?

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Mamaka · 07/09/2016 22:59

That was a hypothetical question by the way. I will definitely remove my dependency on her. Then hopefully our relationship will go back to being a bit more equal and I can try and work through the anger without feeling indebted to her and horribly guilty.

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Mamaka · 07/09/2016 23:01

Ava - good question. If she were my friend and her daughter were acting like I am, I would tell her to step back and let the daughter stew for a bit til she got an apology. I would also tell her to put some firm boundaries in place.

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Justmuddlingalong · 07/09/2016 23:06

Do you resent her a bit for being kind and loving to your kids, when she wasn't to you, as a kid?

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Mamaka · 07/09/2016 23:12

Just - I've never thought of it like that. But I guess it makes sense! She is very protective of them. Why wasn't she of me?

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lavenderpekins · 07/09/2016 23:17

Sometimes MN is so annoyingly pc.

Op's mum turned a blind eye to the dv of her dds. Op's mum now provides free childcare willingly. Probably because there is some martyrdom/guilt/needs to feel useful etc etc.

Op now has to be indebted to her incredibly 'generous and kind' mother. But there is too much past hurt there..

Op might really need the money so is now trapped into 'gratefully' receiving this help and would also feel too guilty to cut off her dc from a relationship with their grandparent. Because of course op does in fact love her mum in amongst the confusing cocktail of emotions that abuse and shame can course.

It's far more complex than 'don't be ungrateful and just apologise'! And 'aren't you lucky'.

Some excellent family therapy for you all including your sister with a professional I'm sure would be transformational. Good luck op X

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