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Original poster

Fancy my lecturer

46 replies

Fuzzynavel101 · 07/09/2016 13:15

Hi all :)

In a bit of a pickle as in my second year at uni as a (younger) mature student. There's one lecturer who i really get on with and quite fancy him. I go and see him for chats and things and he'll get me coffee, and it feels quite flirty between us. I'm not sure if it would be a bad idea to take this any further or not? I don't know if that's even allowed? confused!

OP posts:
adora1 · 07/09/2016 13:25

Everyone fancies their Lecturer or has crushes on them. I think you would be mad to make a move on him, he's there to help you so being friendly is part of his remit.

I doubt he'd risk his job for a bit of fun, plus, he may have a partner?

TheLastRoseOfSummer · 07/09/2016 13:28

Oh, I remember my lecturer crush very fondly.

I was 27, he was 30 years older, I have never been rendered quite so insensible by any man as I was by him...

And the fact that he made it clear it wasn't one sided only added to it all.

But I would never have acted on it. That would have been ridiculous.

One student in my cohort did plant a kiss on one of our lecturers and she was a laughing stock amongst pretty much everyone for not understanding the rules of the game.

Don't be her.

SandyPantz · 07/09/2016 13:28

these days most lecturers have an open door policy, I've had many a cup of coffee with lecturers and chatted in their office not just about uni work but also about my home life.. they were just doing their job!

You're not even half way through your degree yet (assuming you're on a 3 yr undergrad) - don't make things awkward, he might end up being your superviser and you'll need to be able to approach him.

He's not likely to risk his job for a fling with an undergrad, if you were post grad it might be different, but there's a line with undergrads, even mature ones.

BagelDog · 07/09/2016 13:29

My OH is a lecturer, tries to be friendly to his students, often makes them a cuppa, usually have at least a couple of crushes per intake... And that is despite him peppering his chat with references to me, three children, dogs, allotment, happy home life....

Some have come to our house, one sent flowers and toys for the boys.

So seems to be quite common.... Friendliness and approachability is part of the job. I think unless you have incredibly clear signals that he is definitely single and interested I would steer clear.

SandyPantz · 07/09/2016 13:30

join some clubs and socs to widen your crush pool Wink

a lecturer crush is normal….. men who you wouldn't even fancy in "real life" become fantasy fodder when you have to sit staring at them in lectures and tutorials… it just makes the day go by Smile it doesn't mean you actually could have a real life relationship with the person

DownHereInTheHorridHouse · 07/09/2016 13:31

Why are you confused? You must know it's ridiculous. Stop it.

Barksdale · 07/09/2016 13:38

Of course it's a bad idea. If he's unscrupulous enough to sleep with you, worst case scenario is this: www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/sussex-university-lee-salter-convicted-lecturer-assault-beating-allison-smith-safety-disregard-a7187831.html

If he's a decent guy he won't touch you with a bargepole, because there's an unequal power dynamic where he's the teacher and you're the student. Only dickheads would pursue you. Let it go.

piglover · 07/09/2016 13:41

Terrible idea even to think of it. Where I teach, sleeping with students is the one thing that you are pretty much fired for on the spot. Enjoy the crush, but don't even think of taking it further.

SandyPantz · 07/09/2016 13:43

Only dickheads would pursue you

exactly, he's in a position of power regardless of the age of his undergrads

don't make a move, either he'll have to kindly point out to you that he's just being your lecturer and you'll make a tit out of yourself, or you'll be shagging a dickhead

NerrSnerr · 07/09/2016 14:55

My lecturer at uni used to make me tea and had an open door policy. I think I was one of her favourites but I don't think she fancied me as she was a married woman in her 50s. Maybe she did?

Seriously though, having a crush is fine but you'll either end up embarrassed for the year as he'll quite rightly reject you or he'll shag you and won't be the man you fancy as he'd be a predatory arsehole.

TheNaze73 · 07/09/2016 16:00

He's got far too much to risk, to ask you OP. If you need to know, ask but, like any yes/no question or an ultimatum to get an answer, the chances of a negative answer are high

Original poster
Fuzzynavel101 · 07/09/2016 21:10

My head says it's not a good idea, but there's still 'something' that makes me think "what if". I know he's single and not too much older than me. He's not being sleazy or chasing me or anything. I don't think he'll be teaching me much from now on anyway, so no real conflict there. How would I even ask or know though?

OP posts:
NerrSnerr · 07/09/2016 21:13

Don't go there. You say he won't be teaching you much, so he'll be teaching you a bit and is still a lecturer in your department. Read the posts- he'd be an arsehole if he shags you- but the likelihood is that he wants to keep his job so he'll turn you down and you'll be embarrassed every time you see him.

Cary2012 · 07/09/2016 21:15

You're not the first and won't be the last OP!

I really fancied my first year lecturer! As did many of my fellow students.

Don't take it further, just enjoy it for the crush it is.

SandyPantz · 07/09/2016 21:19

even if you're not down to do specific modules with him he could end up being your dissertation superviser or second marker and could second mark modules he doesn't teach

That. Is why. It doesn't matter if he's singe. It doesn't matter if you're the same age. It would still be sleezy of him to reciprocate in any way if you made a move.

You're onto a lose-lose if you don't treat this as anything other than fantasy, either you're misreading it (which TBH I think is what's going on here) or he's the kinda creep who will do stuff with women he is in a position of power over, and you don't wanna get tangled up with that kinda creep!

Barksdale · 07/09/2016 21:22

If he's not chasing you (which sort of contradicts the OP where you said the atmosphere was flirty), then you've no evidence he's interested other than that he's the same age and he once got you a platonic cup of coffee - because as he's not chasing you, that's all the coffee could mean.

Cary2012 · 07/09/2016 21:28

A lot of lecturers flirt, it means nothing.

I think they cover it in their training!

SandyPantz · 07/09/2016 21:32

and "flirty" people don't fancy everyone they flirt with.

If being nice and making someone a coffee is flirting nowadays…...

PsychedelicSheep · 07/09/2016 21:35

Oh god I've fancied loads of lecturers over my 6 year academic career! The men and women.

It's a type of erotic transference, the same is is found in relationships with clients/patients and therapists/doctors etc. All very Freudian!

I wouldn't act on it, maybe when you finish uni but not now.

LesisMiserable · 07/09/2016 21:39

Methinks the OP (despite everyone's advice to the contrary) is going to make a bit of a berk of herself….

LellyMcKelly · 07/09/2016 21:44

I work with lecturers. I've heard lots of crush stories: flowers on car windscreens, threatened suicides, being followed home, extravagant gifts (that were returned), attempted blackmail. The works. Although it's not illegal, and it's not normally explicitly prohibited, it is frowned upon and considered poor practice.

SandyPantz · 07/09/2016 21:44

well… if the OPs determined to take this forward I hope she does go and make a tit out of herself to her lecturer

… but part of me worries that instead she'll just go mouthing off around campus about how flirty he is with her…

He offered you coffee, OP, not lube!

Bumpmadethemjump · 07/09/2016 21:53

He offered you coffee, OP, not lube!

That's probably the greatest sentence I've ever read on mnGrin.

Cary2012 · 07/09/2016 21:56

Yep Sandy, you get MM 'star of the week' for that sentence!

Cary2012 · 07/09/2016 21:57

MN not MM!

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