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Relationships

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Original poster

Fancy my lecturer

46 replies

Fuzzynavel101 · 07/09/2016 13:15

Hi all :)

In a bit of a pickle as in my second year at uni as a (younger) mature student. There's one lecturer who i really get on with and quite fancy him. I go and see him for chats and things and he'll get me coffee, and it feels quite flirty between us. I'm not sure if it would be a bad idea to take this any further or not? I don't know if that's even allowed? confused!

OP posts:

LesisMiserable · 07/09/2016 21:57

And from my experience of male lecturers - a little bit flirty generally comes with the territory across the board, I'm sure it just makes their day go quicker.

ilovesooty · 07/09/2016 22:00

Not sex lube or a fish slice.

Mittensonastring · 07/09/2016 22:03

Relationships are sometimes forbidden and your lecturer could lose their job depending on their contract. Was the case at one University I worked in.

SandyY2K · 08/09/2016 00:02

I'd steer clear.

CwtchMeQuick · 08/09/2016 00:15

Don't do it! Horrible idea. speaking from experience

champagnesupern0va · 08/09/2016 08:39

I had a relationship with one of my lecturers and would not recommend it! At all. Even if he's not your lecturer, you won't be able to have a normal relationship until after you've left uni. Ours continued for about 4 years, 2 while I was a student (not his in those years) and 2 after. You have to be hidden which although is exciting at first, does nothing for your self esteem. Don't do it ;-)

TheHubblesWindscreenWipers · 08/09/2016 09:10

No no no no no

Do not do it! I used to lecture and there was always one or two in every year who were a bit flirty. It's incredibly uncomfortable and puts the lecturer in a position where they could lose their career.
I'm assuming you're female? There's a certain type of male academic staff that really get off on the attention from students. Please don't go there op... Not a good idea

SquidViscous · 08/09/2016 10:17

Might go against the grain here and say that, if you're both single, why wouldn't there be a possibility of something? I mean, I agree that it's quite likely he's just enjoying the attention of a student (most straight male lecturers I know have a few "favourite" female students they enjoy a bit of a flirtation with without anything happening). But I also know a number of male academics married to ex-students.

So it just might be worth taking some lube along to offer him next time he suggests coffee

LetsJunglyJumpToIt · 08/09/2016 11:01

Don't persue it. I'm sure he chats and gets coffee for lots of students, doesn't mean he fancies you.

PassMeTheFrazzlesPlease · 08/09/2016 18:29

OP, are you normally right when you think a man fancies you? If so, then you are probably right now, I think it is usually easy to tell when someone is interested and being more than just 'friendly'. I'm not sure why other posters are convinced that you must be imagining it or about to "make a fool" of yourself.

People do fancy each other sometimes! It isn't as if you are a schoolgirl with a crush on an older teacher - you are both adults after all.

TheLastRoseOfSummer · 08/09/2016 18:48

I'm not sure why other posters are convinced that you must be imagining it or about to "make a fool" of yourself.

Have you been to university, Pass?

NerrSnerr · 08/09/2016 18:56

Pass you do realise that it will be against the rules for him to have a relationship with a student so if they do she'll either be a dirty little secret or he'll be fired.

Joysmum · 08/09/2016 18:56

If you care about him, don't be so selfish as to put him in that position.

Bountybarsyuk · 08/09/2016 19:02

At my university, you have to declare any relationships which develop, but they aren't forbidden, precisely because you are all adults. You can't be in a relationship where there is a conflict of interests, so if they mark/teach you in any respect, this may include being on exam boards.

So, if you went ahead, he would have to declare it.

A lot of male staff have found their wives among the student population, usually PhDs though. It makes me feel icky and I really don't think if they weren't their lecturers/supervisors they would look twice at them, but they wouldn't lose their job over it.

They could easily be accused of sexual harassment or a complaint made which is why the wise lecturer would not bother.

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/09/2016 19:06

I know someone who shagged one of our lecturers. Everyone knew and they're both lucky that nothing happened to them.

Power imbalance, transference, unethical? Sounds erotic. Although I would have ripped the clothes from one of mine given half a chance. And he was only filling in so I could have got away with it. He flirted too.

YawningKasm · 08/09/2016 19:29

No, no, no, no.

You are still a student. It is wrong in all sorts of ways. He is being friendly - don't misunderstand that. I know from talking to my young male colleagues just what a burden students with crushes are. I counsel them never to be alone with such students, or if it's necessary to be so, then they should always leave the door open, and let a colleague know about the meeting and its purpose.

I've also taught students who know that there's an unethical relationship between a student and a lecturer. The effect is really destabilising and unsettling on other students.

And do you really want to be that student who other students suspect of getting grades only because she's boffing the tutor? I hated those sorts of students when I was a student as I thought they were pathetic, and I find teaching them now, tedious.

It's all sorts of NO.

And if he's actually interested, rather than professionally friendly, then wait till you graduate - if there's anything genuinely there, you'll find out.

YawningKasm · 08/09/2016 19:44

It's a type of erotic transference, the same is is found in relationships with clients/patients and therapists/doctors etc.

Indeed. I had a crush on my female ballet teacher once and I'm definitively heterosexual. It was because she was teaching me something I wanted & needed. It was the excitement of the learning and the teaching.

It's what people mean by a 'guru' - it's unfortunate we don't have a better language for talking about the feelings stimulated by learning, knowledge, intense excitement. I think it's a pity we don't have a language that is not centred on erotic love for this sort of intensity & excitement.

SandyPantz · 09/09/2016 21:38

I'm not sure why other posters are convinced that you must be imagining it or about to "make a fool" of yourself

because there's only 3 possiblilities here

He does fancy her, but he's a decent human being so will do the right professional thing and not reciprocate any advances = OP makes a fool of herself for thinking this can be anything other than fantasy
He doesn't fancy her = OP makes a fool of herself for thinking this can be anything other than fantasy

3, He does fancy her, and is also a shit human being, so he embarks on an affair with her, keeps her his dirty secret so that he doesn't lose his job, the relationship has a massive imbalance of power = this scenario makes the biggest fool of the OP of all!

SandyPantz · 10/09/2016 12:09

I did go on one date with a lecturer when I was an undergrad, but he was from a totally different faculty so not in any way ever involved in my studies even as a second marker, also based on a different campus, and we didn't met through uni we met outside uni…..

… he was still a creep though -eugh, any lecturer who dates an undergrad is, it's different when post docs date phd students, so long as they're not their supervisor they're almost colleagues cause phd students usually do a bit of teaching too

SandyPantz · 10/09/2016 12:16

oh and the date was in a different town.. which we happened to travel to separately..

.. not my finest hour or fondest memory of uni LOL

PassMeTheFrazzlesPlease · 10/09/2016 14:04

Have only just seen this thread again.

Yes, to whoever asked, I have been to university. I didn't fancy any of my lecturers, as it happens!

My comment about the OP not necessarily being "about to make a fool of herself" was based on the fact that she didn't indicate that she was about to pursue the man, just that she fancied him and wasn't sure if anything could happen.

It is perfectly okay to feel attracted to someone, there is nothing "foolish" about it.

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