He wont stop using porn.

[onetiredmum]

Hi. This is my first post and I am absolutely desperate for some help. My OH and i have been married for 15 years. On and off ive know hes used porn but weve discussed it and hes always stopped.
The last 3 years weve had sex about 10 times max. I knew deep down something was up. Anyway back in March I checked his history to find LOTS of porn. However, everynight when I go to sleep he stays up to use it. He even used it on our wedding anniversary and left me in bed alone.

After he couldnt get an erection when I tried to turn him on I broached the subject. Only to be told he is no longer attracted to me, cant get an erection with me and wants to want me as he 'knows im gorgeous' but he just doesnt.

We split up and Hence I was heartbroken. He moved into the spare room and reputedly apologised after seeing the hurt. He has moved heaven and earth to sort things out for us to try and recover from the past 3 years. Weve been having counselling, which is OK and about 4 weeks ago he moved back into our bed. and everything seemed to be going well.

However he is now away for a week. I have looked at his history ( yeah I know I shouldnt but its killing me) and every morning and night hes using porn again!!! And lots of it. He clearly doesnt realise I can still see everything! Im heartbroken.
A girl at work says im being unreasonable, as hes away and he should be allowed but I cant help but feel betrayed, especially after what we have been through the past few month's and trying desperately to salvage our marriage he is now like a kid in a sweet shop and its killing me.
Ive said time and time again its the end. And last time I genuinely thought it was.
But he has been sooo lovely and I forgave him.
Please can somebody tell me.if I am overreacting? Has he crossed the line now? I feel like hes launched himself across it!

Please help

Because that would solve the problem DadOnIce of the OPs OH not being able to have a sexual relationship with her due to excessive porn use?

Also, incognito mode still stores cookies, history is recoverable and with most Routers you can see what has been viewed.

Okay, it was just a joke!

History is recoverable (If you have additional software or monitoring) and with most Routers you can see what has been viewed. - This is true

incognito mode still stores cookies - This isn't. All cookies are destroyed as soon as you exit.

On an Ipad the cookies are stored as I always use incognito mode and the sites I have been on quite often show in settings. Imstand corrected if wrong about pc cookies but I have found things myself previously this way.

Irrelevant though to OP, what is relevant is that you will be checking these things now, he will hide them, you will check and it doesn't feel good at all.

UPDATE

I asked him if he had uses porn while he had been away - and he said NO!
Asked him 3 times and he reputedly denied it.
So I sent screen shots of all the evidence to his phone and asked him to explain them then. He still denied it
Then denied most of it
Then some of it
Then finally admitted it

So we finally got there. And he got back early hours of this morning. Sent immediately to the spare room.

He has been in an absolute state. Throwing up and literally begging me to give him another chance. Begging me to help him to get the help he needs.

I told him, he was still on a 6 month warning from the last episode and havent even put my wedding ring back on!!!

Hes told his friends that weve officially seperated and they think im being pathetic as its something that all men do?! They dont agree that he has an addiction and that I am taking things too far.

Ive showed him that nofap website as suggested and he burst into tears saying it was exactly how he feels.

I do still love him. Of course I do. But im fed up with feeling second best. Hes told me that hes not going to give up without a fight and is planning to move into the spare room permanently with all his stuff. So he can help with the kids etc. And the hope that we can work together to fix it.

Is this the right thing to do. He wants to see the gp tomorrow and has contacted a psychosexual counsellor for help also.

Am I doing the right thing?

No.

I don't know if it's the right thing. But you do. It's not about 'ooooh men watch porn sometimes'. It's about him. He might well love you and want to be with you, the same as an alcoholic might. But what can you deal with? what is this doing to you?

The denying it is not good though. Do you want to have to have proof to know what hes doing? do you want to not know whether you can trust his word? that's not a good feeling.

So he'll move into the spare room for a while, make a show of looking for some help, and in a few months you'll find he's been looking at porn again, lather rinse repeat.

Fgs it hasn't even been 6 months since the last episode.

I think you have to accept that if you continue in a relationship with this man, this is how it is, this is your life. He won't change so its a case of put up or shut up.

I you might benefit from having a stock response ready to 'it's only porn' then you can stop believing other people's attempts at minimisation. You are a LONG way from being pathetic.

And even if it genuinely were a pathetic reason for splitting. YOU ARE ALLOWED TO SPLIT FOR ANY REASON YOU CHOOSE. it is not a court of law, you don't need to justify why you want out.

Something like 'thank you for your opinion, but obviously you only have one side of the story,' don't explain, just shut them down.

his friends are twats- but then I don't suppose he's told them he is barely able to have sex. Ten times in three years? Tell him to tell them that.

Is he not entitled to decline sex, for whatever reason?
Threatening to split up because the other person declines sex is coercion no?

he is declining sex because he prefers porn

that is not ok

Yeah, yeah,

You absolutely should stay with someone who uses porn morning and night and can't get a hard-on with his wife. It's "coercion" to leave apparently.

Thankyou guys. Yeah ive seen that hes just told them he cant stop looking at porn and got caught again. Thats it.

He hasnt told them the half of it!!

He just wants to forget it and carry on. Its so damn hard I just wish everything would go back to the way it was. I keep looking at him and want to put my arms around him but I dont. I havent gone anywhere near him. Hes tried to kiss me and ive told him where to go. But hes talking to me like nothing has happened.
Its all very weird.

he is the weird one

it's "weird" because he is a wron 'un and wants you to overlook that fact

wrong'un

You are not in the wrong if you think that he has crossed a boundary he has despite what anyone else thinks. In a marriage you have your own boundaries they are not set by other people's perception otherwise every marriage would be the same. Just a thought though if he was away and needed to "relieve" himself then instead of resorting to the smut that he can find why couldn't he have asked his wife for "phone sex"? Both parties are then involved. If that's not your thing fair enough.

Only to be told he is no longer attracted to me

This is when you should have walked.

I personally don't have an issue with porn, but you have a different problem.

Why would you want to be married to a man who isn't attracted to you. The porn is an aside as many porn users still attracted to their partners.

If he watched porn, but had no problem performing sexually with you, would you be okay with that?

Yes. If he watched porn and it didnt affext us. I think I would be OK with it.

But it is.

He has been using porn instead of coming to bed with me. We have hardly had sex for the past 3 years because of it.
He cannot get an erection when we have sex because of it anymore. Although when he stops using it our sex life did return.

He has asked me if we can make our own movies now? But tbh im not sure that well ever be having sex again the way things are.

Hes told me hes not giving in without a fight.

Good luck. Hard decisions and traumatic times ahead.

Wait, do you mean after he's lied through his teeth about using porn this week, which he knew devastated your marriage.....he's turned around and asked you to make a porn movie?

I cant be understanding that right???

Hi OP, believe me when I say to you that I could have written this myself. Almost word for word but no way did we have sex 10 times in 3 years, more like twice in 3 years! The only differences are that my dp was in no way apologetic and couldn't understand that it wasn't so much his use of porn but the fact that he chose it over me, time after time. It broke my heart. It massively changed the way I felt about myself. It screwed with my head ( ha, pun not intended!) I gained a huge amount of weight as I tried to eat my feelings. Then when I became super fat I felt like I was not entitled to have sex anyway! Never mind the fact that he rejected me when I was slim anyway! I have always loved sex with previous boyfriends, always been experimental and never had any complaints but this experience ruined that for me. Now I see that the problem was his, is his and that I really needed to leave when it started, when he refused to come to counselling. My heart goes out to you op, I hope you can put your needs first and do what feels right for you. X

You are still in discussion with this guy when his solution to his porn addiction that has wrecked your sex life and your relationship is to "make a porn movie of your own" ?

Really ?

You can't help some people. And I mean you op

Oh God. I know. If I was talking to someone else I would be saying exactly the same!! I would be like have a flipping word with yourself woman!

I used to be so much stronger than this.