Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help me remain strong!

48 replies

ohwhatsinausername · 04/09/2016 21:06

Lots of lovely advice in past from other mumsnetters but help needed again.

ExP left me pregnant for OW. Baby is now few months old. All doing fine etc. Both toddler and new baby spend time with him. Been hard like any breakup would, this was more challenging but got over it all eventually. Just want whats best for kids etc.

Problems with child maintenance have resulted in me going to CMS, after he told me "just go through CSA"

My situation now is that I'm moving, 20 minutes away, to be closer to my family and I know he is going to argue with this. He has parental rights, on both birth certs.

I've researched all the reasons, lower crime, better school etc and it's a fresh start (currently still in rented house we shared) which if it helps me mentally, can only help the kids.

Right now, we only live 5 minutes away from each other but he knows I can't afford to stay in this house. I applied for council housing and was told it would take 6+ months to be rehoused, so I intended on talking it all through with him.

However, two weeks later, they found me a place and if I didn't take it, I would have lost it and it was a good house! So we never had time to discuss it properly (although he knew it was a long term plan, ages ago)

I drive and have told him that when I move, I will see to it that I transport the kids to him (they'd be in their car seats, which to me is safer than sitting loose in a taxi or buses) so effectively nothing is going to change for him, other than where I'm living.

He's never dropped in on the kids and is usually cancelling dates to see them anyway, so I don't really know what the problem is because it's still classed as the same City!

But he is a difficult character (narc) with only his own interests at heart and often starts unnecessary drama with me.

I know he is going to throw "court" at me and allsorts but I'm not changing any arrangement we have in place now!

Please help me how to respond to him with dignity, when he starts accusing me of taking his kids away from him. I'm trying not to drag feelings of him walking away from them whilst I was pregnant, as his choice to do that but I'm getting annoyed he thinks he can start over and I'm just expected to stay round here to benefit him.

OP posts:
loveyoutothemoon · 04/09/2016 21:39

Blimey 20 minutes?!!! He's likely to moan at that? He should think himself very lucky he's so close. Some children live hours away from their dad.

If he plays up tell him it's tough. It's 20 mins not 20 miles. Stand up to him!

EmmaMacgill · 04/09/2016 21:44

I think I've read your previous posts and if so, you've been increadibly fair and dignified throughout the whole split. You'll never please him as he's a spoilt brat.
You need to move away so that you can move on from this and get on with your life and you need your family's support for your own emotional well being

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 04/09/2016 21:53

Please help me how to respond to him with dignity, when he starts accusing me of taking his kids away from him.

Just don't respond to any of that. Totally ignore it. Respond only about the details of practical arrangements for his time with them. Ignore the rest. It is just noise designed to get a response from you. Be silent.

He threatens court? Ignore. At most "I await the letter from your solicitor"

nicenewdusters · 04/09/2016 23:15

I think I too read your previous posts.

Ignore, ignore, ignore. Tell him the facts, what arrangements you are prepared to make, then end of.

20 minutes is nothing. If you are who I think, he's lucky you haven't moved to the middle of Greenland. Your life, your future. You don't have to justify anything to him. RunRabbit's suggestion about the solicitor's letter is spot on.

Alibobbob · 04/09/2016 23:23

It sounds as though you have him Sussex you have been more than fair.

Start as you mean to go on. I think I would put the onus on him making the effort to see the kids but understand you are putting your kids safety first by wanting to drop them off. Remember to do this in a public place.

He is trying to manipulate and control you into staying local to him. You don't have to. You are no longer a couple you are a free agent you an live in this new house if you choose to. You will be shooting yourself in the foot not to take the house who knows when or if they will offer you another.

You are dealing with this much better than I would.

Donatello68 · 04/09/2016 23:30

My ExH and I live 20 mins away from each other and it works well. Let him make his threats. You are being perfectly reasonable.

bluebellsparklypants · 04/09/2016 23:38

You are being very fair, you need to think of yourself & DC.

You don't have to shoulder the responsibility of his self-centredness anymore, enjoy your freedom. (please I don't mean that to sound flippant after a breakup just enjoy your life and don't worry about him).

2nd the advice of ignore, if he sees his not 'getting' to you then what's there to ague about

TheLastRoseOfSummer · 05/09/2016 08:29

Also, it's actually parental responsibility not parental rights.

I only make that distinction as, whilst small, it is significant. He has a responsibility to pay for and support his children, which he hasn't shown a willingness to do by telling you to go through the CSA/CMS. He has a responsibility to maintain a relationship with his children and you have a responsibility to not prevent it.

He doesn't have any rights that would prevent you from being able to move 20 minutes away.

StartledByHisFurryShorts · 05/09/2016 09:20

Twenty minutes is nothing. If he kicks up a fuss, he is being a twat. Stay strong.

And don't worry about his threat of 'courts'. What on earth is the court going to say? That you shouldn't move to a house that is still in the same town?

Original poster
ohwhatsinausername · 05/09/2016 10:08

He has just messaged me to tell me he is taking legal action, to submit a Prohibited Steps Order today...

OP posts:
MadameCholetsDirtySecret · 05/09/2016 10:13

It is nonsense. You can't afford to live in the house you are in, you are going a whole 20mins away Shock and you will drive to his place.

The court will laugh at him if it even gets that far.

TheLastRoseOfSummer · 05/09/2016 10:14

Don't worry. It won't work.

He won't be granted a prohibited steps order to prevent you from moving 20 minutes away. You are allowed to get on with your life! He can't keep you trapped in that house forever. Besides, you are moving to be closer to family for the support network you need and that he is no longer providing.

Copied from the gov.uk page on 'looking after children'. When a court order is applied for, the court will consider the following:

What judges and magistrates consider
They’ll always put the welfare of children first. They will think about the:

child’s wishes and feelings
child’s physical, emotional and educational needs
effect any changes may have on the child
child’s age, gender, characteristics and background
possible risk of harm to the child
ability of parents to meet the child’s needs
orders the court has the power to make
A judge or magistrate will only make an order if they think it’s in the child’s best interests.

It just being inconvenient to him will not be sufficient.

Tmi0722 · 05/09/2016 10:15

He can try an get one even if you go to court an get a contact order the only thing you can't do is take them out the country for 4 weeks or more without his permission and he always has to ask for yours if he was going to take them away. I wouldn't worry do what you need to do for you an your kids courts will not object or stop you moving especially if you have offered to drop them off an pick them up your the one being reasonable

ageingrunner · 05/09/2016 10:25

20 mins?! I dream of dc's dad living 20 mins away! He's moved and hour and a half away. If he only lived 20 mins away he could see our dc much more frequently.
Ignore you ex, he's being a dick. And wasting his own time with legal action that won't get him anywhere.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 05/09/2016 10:56

He's hilarious.

I hope he does submit a Prohibited Steps Order today

They'll laugh at it.

You will then have super nice evidence of exactly how unreasonable and controlling he is. All provided on a plate by him at his own expense.

Let him get on with it.

hellsbellsmelons · 05/09/2016 14:08

20 minutes away - the court will laugh at him.
In fact, his solicitor should tell him to stop being so stupid and that they won't submit it.
Keep going.
Pay no attention to him.
Do not even dignify with an answer.
As a PP says just text about contact. Nothing else.

Original poster
ohwhatsinausername · 05/09/2016 14:34

I'll keep it to contact arrangements only. It's always what I've tried to do.

I find his behaviour so baffling! How can someone try argue for rights to access, when they've never been denied? Hmm

OP posts:
Tmi0722 · 05/09/2016 14:48

Because that's what they do to try and control you try an be nice texting and keep all evidence just incase

TheLastRoseOfSummer · 05/09/2016 14:52

It's not about arguing for contact or whatever. It's just about being an inconvenience to you. And because it doesn't matter how many times we, or anyone else says, he's talking nonsense, there is still a bit of you that is worried. That's why he's doing it. To mess with your head.

Ignore.

ConkersDontScareSpiders · 05/09/2016 14:53

Twenty minutes away? I'm failing to see what his issue is? I would let him put his prohibited steps order in-it would actually be fairly amusing (if it wasn't also evidence of what an idiot you are dealing with).

nicenewdusters · 05/09/2016 15:06

My solicitor advised me that if I wanted to move with my children anywhere within the UK it would be considered an internal relocation. I wouldn't have to go to Court to prove why I should be "allowed" to move, he would have to go to Court to argue as to why I should be made to stay. She said it was highly unlikely any judge would force a mother with dependent children to stay in the same place just because it suited the father. I wasn't in this situation, she was just giving general advice.

Totally agree with TheLastRose. Men in these situations like to play the victim, and dishing out the I'll take you to Court card is a classic. It's designed to put you back in your box. He'll be laughed at, and shown to be the complete idiot he's shown himself to be so far. You've nothing to worry about.

OrsonWellsHat · 05/09/2016 15:12

Flowers sorry you're having to deal with such an unreasonable twat.
20 minutes is nothing!

Original poster
ohwhatsinausername · 05/09/2016 16:21

Thank you for your wonderful advice again, you've all kept me sane. I think I knew a lot of what you have all said but as TheLastRose said, he controlled me for so long, I think sometimes I do worry too much.

I'm expecting some cleverly worded, elaborate message later, to keep up the illusion that he has sought advice and again, I won't rise - will just acknowledge. To think I ever loved this man now just seems absurd!

OP posts:
Original poster
ohwhatsinausername · 07/09/2016 14:40

Fuck...

He's now demanding to have overnight access to our three month old at OW's house!

When will this nightmare end?! =(

OP posts:
Dowser · 07/09/2016 14:47

That's not fair.
Twat!

Swipe left for the next trending thread