What now

[snapyap]

Dh and I were meant to be somewhere today. He was ready, I wasn't as I had no clean clothes. Our toddler was sleepy and only goes asleep for me and went asleep sat on my knee. I put him in his bed and asked dh to just go out as I wasn't ready. He called me a lazy slob, a fucking arse hole, a shit bag, and went on about how he hadn't even wanted to go in the first place etc. I didn't retaliate. I couldn't. I don't know why he thinks he can speak to me like this. I left the room and tried to get out of the way but he kept following me room to room.

snapyap Has anybody else ever called you a fucking cunt and told you to fuck off? If they have, are you still in touch, or did you quite rightly walk away from them?

This is your husband for god's sake !! I'd be appalled if a stranger in the street said that to me. He's supposed to want to love you for life, you have children with him.

The sad truth for you is he's a vile, abusive foul-mouthed creep. You have said you are afraid to talk with him. Are you afraid of anybody else in life? Look at that sentence again. You are afraid of the man you are married to, the father of your child.

Your hugging him after his abusive behaviour is a very worrying sign. What's your line in the sand going to be? When he punches you in the face and breaks your jaw? Or when he loses it with your son and hits him?

It doesn't matter what your mum thinks. You know you have to get out of there.

And this is when his son learns that his mum is no more than a fucking cunt. I think the time for talking is over Snapyap there's no way to rationalise his behaviour, you and your son deserve so much better

you're right of course; I wouldn't put up with it from anyone else.

But he's usually such a nice guy. Can't do enough for me and ds. Housework, nappies, shop runs etc.

Going to be brutal OP.

Expect your son to call you the same in a few years time. Because it's okay to say that to mummy, 'cos daddy does.

For God's sake get out.

'He's usually such a nice guy.'

Jesus wept.

OP, get out now.

Even if right now you're making excuses for him, you also need to show him it is NOT acceptable to treat you this way. If you stay it WILL get worse and you will never be happy.

So leave. He will get such a shock that you've stood up for yourself. Then it is up to him whether he realises what he's throwing away and will seek out REAL help to change and win you back or let you go, in which case you're better off anyway.

Win win for you. But only if you leave.

Agree with PP - get out.

As you are married, it's irrelevant whose name house etc is in, it's all joint marital assets. I would advise seeing a solicitor who can give you specific advice, many will give 30 minutes advice for free. You don't have to act on it until you are ready, but please don't waste any more of your life on this user.

Does the fact he thinks it's OK to shout at DS make more of an impact on you than the fact he thinks it's Ok to call you names and abuse you?

Do you think you have to stick it out until he hits you, and then you have permission to leave?

Yes. He is so lovely with ds usually but sometimes just shouts at him. Or me. I want to do right by my son. I forget if I've said this previously on this thread but I'm scared to break up the family and my son has to live between us, the impact that could have on him - but equally the impact will be ultimately worse if he's witnessing this shouting and name calling.

Sophiestew - that last paragraph - yes.

Nobody has to give you permission to leave. You are your own person, and you can leave for any reason you like. It doesn't matter what anybody else thinks - your life, your choice.

It's not a race to the bottom. He's not a nice guy. Nice people don't use the language and tactics he does against their wives and their babies.

So you're going to wait until he hits you to give yourself permission to leave? What if the first time he hits you it's so hard that you fall backwards and smash your head, and then die? Your son will be without his mum and your dh will have sole responsibility for him. Are you prepared to take that chance?

Last night we had a brief chat - I asked him to forget what the argument was about but to agree with me we wouldn't shout or swear at each other and definitely not in front of our ds. He agreed and says it will stop. I feel I owe it to my son to have parents in a happy marriage, and since dh is more often than not, a reasonable person, he has agreed and gone back to his usual lovely self. If it happens again though I need an action plan - I need to know what I'm going to say and do to show him how unacceptable the swearing at me really is.

Last time wasn't the first time though was it?

It is totally naive to think this will be the last time. He knows he can do it, and then a few days later say "fine, I won't do it again" and happy days.

Has he even apologised for calling you names this time? Seriously?

No, no apology. But next time will be different because I'll react better. Somehow

So you're allowing there to be a next time? In front of your child?

And if you just find the magic combination of words at that time it'll fix him?

You're not a magician.

And he's not your friend.

You already know there will be a next time! That is more telling that you realise. When he hits you will you have reached the end of the road, or will you make excuses still.

This man is not looking after your best interests, and it seems as if your own mum has been conditioned over the years to put up and shut up, hence her asking you to apologise for his poor behaviour, I wonder if you went with a bruise, she would ask you to keep quiet as well.

Your son is seeing this and will copy what he sees at home as he will think this is the way you talk to women.

Oh God. Your poor child.

OP, he's never going to apologise because he doesn't think he's doing anything wrong.

For the same reason he will swear and shout at you again, because he choses to.

Presumably he choses not to swear and shout at his friends and work colleagues? Why do you think that is?

You've shown him how low you've lowered the bar of what is acceptable to you. He'll make you crawl under it again.

By 'reacting better' you are putting the onus of his behaviour onto yourself.

No - it's his behaviour.

Yes it might be shit for a while to be a single parent but knowing your DS respects you and knowing he's less likely to be victim to constant verbal abuse is enough surely to walk away from this person?

It's nothing to do with your reactions!! It's him. He's an abuse and he's already managed to brainwash you into thinking its your fault.

Your poor son. He stands no chance. Either he's going to be abused the way you are, or turn into an abuser himself. Is that what you really want?

So is there no coming back from this? I've spoken to him again, he's apologised for the swearing on Sat and we've agreed no swearing in front of our son or at each other at all. He's usually such a genuinely nice guy and I really want our marriage to work so I am going to choose to believe he will earnestly make the effort to stop the shouting and swearing.

Well, we'll all be here when he starts being abusive again.

Which he will.

You said in your OP: I don't know why he thinks he can speak to me like that.

The answer is pretty straightforward: because you let him.

The first time he behaved in this demeaning way towards you, and you stayed around for more, taught him that you will put up with it. And it's probably got worse (and is going to get worse) as times goes on as you let him continue.

I guess the options are for your to instigate either a separation, or enforce him getting some help and for you to get some counselling in tandem. Of course, if he thinks his behaviour is acceptable....?

Certainly ignore your mother and other relatives - they're not in a relationship with him! And I'm betting he doesn't say such foul things to them?

If I were you, I'd keep a diary of these abusive incidents in case you need them.

At 23 you can totally start your own life and begin to stand on your own two feet. I'm gonna be brutal here! You need to sack off your mother as an adviser as she's so old school in her ways. You need to start thinking about a plan B; being able to stand on your own two feet, get a job, get saving and get the hell out. I'd seriously look at taking legal advice to what you are entitled to from the house.
Even if you think you can work things out, it's always sensible to be armed and ready with a plan B

Totally agree with Niseko, you need to be independent of him and armed with a Plan B. If you then decide to stay it's because you want to, not because you're pregnant again, with no job, no money of your own and no one to turn to.

In all your posts he only ever apologies or discusses anything when you broach the subject with him. Don't you think if he was genuinely a nice guy he would feel ashamed of his behaviour, and would be coming to you to apologise and promise to try and put things right?

He doesn't though, does he?

He told your toddler to shut up! The abuse is already spreading to him. Not OK. Please, please protect your child.