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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What now

74 replies

snapyap · 04/09/2016 14:33

Dh and I were meant to be somewhere today. He was ready, I wasn't as I had no clean clothes. Our toddler was sleepy and only goes asleep for me and went asleep sat on my knee. I put him in his bed and asked dh to just go out as I wasn't ready. He called me a lazy slob, a fucking arse hole, a shit bag, and went on about how he hadn't even wanted to go in the first place etc. I didn't retaliate. I couldn't. I don't know why he thinks he can speak to me like this. I left the room and tried to get out of the way but he kept following me room to room.

OP posts:
cauliflowercheese14 · 04/09/2016 20:34

Would you speak to him like that? Keep him on eggshells all day?

He sounds horrible.

debbs77 · 04/09/2016 20:41

You can get benefits. Leave!!!

EmmaMacgill · 04/09/2016 20:43

Sorry, just realised I posted before I'd finished.

Meant to say, If he's not ready to change then you need to consider leaving

Original poster
snapyap · 04/09/2016 21:20

He's not apologetic. Later on I said, you can't talk to me like that and his response was, 'why, are you embarrassed now because I'm right?' :(

I love him. He has some good qualities. I don't know if I'd cope alone with my toddler.

OP posts:
Original poster
snapyap · 04/09/2016 21:21

And yes my mum appears to be extremely '50s in her thinking re a woman's place in a marriage. She thinks I should put up and shut up, by the looks of it. I text her for some support after the way he spoke to me and she said I should apologise to him because he's probably stressed.

OP posts:
Littleladylumps · 04/09/2016 21:27

It is abuse. It will wear you down.

I put up with it for only a year and I didn't see it until one night after working 11 hours,and having a very young baby. He called and started speaking to me in a similar way as I Let slip I hadn't dried up my plate after dinner. I hung up, packed up baby things and mine in a ruck sack and left. Hotel for days then my parents.
He got home the next day... Didn't call me for 4 though to see where we were.
Get out now while you see it's not right before he wears you down to feeling incapable
Flowers

Original poster
snapyap · 04/09/2016 22:00

I'm mortified to think my son could grow up and talk to a woman or anyone like this

I'm sure DH's mother would be shocked too. His family all told me before I married him that I was lucky to have him because he's the best. My female relatives now all tell me the same thing. I feel so bad as he does do a lot for me and ds but he's spoken to me like this a few times now and it's too much. I'm only 23 so I don't feel like I know how 'real' grown ups would cope. (He's 29 soon)

OP posts:
Littleladylumps · 04/09/2016 22:15

Unfortunately these men are wonderful manipulaters and put on a very good "show".
My mum also loved my exh at first, until she noticed the changes on my behaviour.

nicenewdusters · 04/09/2016 23:02

Yes, you would cope alone with your toddler because you know the difference between right and wrong, and you know in your gut this man is all sorts of wrong. He won't cope very well because he's a foul-mouthed, nasty, manipulative little bully. He needs a wife and child to boss around to make him feel better about himself.

Leave now while you're young and before he grinds you down, and you become pregnant again. You may love him but I doubt he loves you, look at what he called you. And he's not sorry. And you're walking on egg shells. And he's tried to belittle you.

If everybody else thinks he's so great then they can offer to put him up when you ask him to leave. Or rather when you say "Fuck off you lazy slob, fucking arse hole and shitbag." He can't object to you talking to him like that, because he's told you it's ok ?

Original poster
snapyap · 05/09/2016 08:44

I totally understand and accept the advice given here, I 100% know that if a friend or a poster on here described the same situation, I'd tell them the same - get out. But I can't. I can't stand the thought of breaking up our family, contact arrangements, living alone, having no money at all etc. I'll have to hope he finds his reasonable head again.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 05/09/2016 12:20

Oh dear Sad

qwom · 05/09/2016 13:14

I was in a similar situ to you and I left when my DS was 5 months old and moved back in with my dad - it really was the best thing I did. I did not want my son to think that kind of behaviour was acceptable and normal.
They are master manipulators, gaslighters they will make you feel like it's all down to you but it's not. It's them.
Get out asap, to stay with this man will damage your son in the long run. It will be hard but so so worth it

qwom · 05/09/2016 13:16

The last straw came when he beat me in front of our son and didn't let me comfort him while he wailed in his door bouncer.
What will you limit be? It's only time until it gets physical and by that time a great deal of psychological damage will be done

adora1 · 05/09/2016 14:13

No offence OP, but there are thousands and thousands of single parents so you can do it if you want to, there is actually nothing stopping you.

I couldn't be in the same room as another person who spoke to me like that, and he actually thinks he's justified, just goes to prove what an absolute pig of a person he is - you are giving him the green light now to carry on speaking to you like a piece of shit.

Broken family you say, it sounds well broken already.

nicenewdusters · 05/09/2016 15:29

He's the cause for your family being broken.

Living alone is preferable to living with a pig who'll eventually destroy you. And you're not alone, you have your son. Plus, one day you may meet someone who actually deserves to share his life with you.

Contact arrangements aren't anything to be scared of. It can be tricky at first, and you both have to be flexible, but it can be made to work. You get used to your child free time, and from the sound of your husband I doubt he'll be that involved anyway.

Financially it will be hard, especially to start with, but you can go back to work and organise childcare, tax credits, etc. You can chase him for maintenance. You have marital assets.

I'm not saying any of the above is easy, it isn't. But it will be easier than staying with him.

Original poster
snapyap · 05/09/2016 16:32

I'm just glad this wasn't in front of our son although this morning ds was crying while dh tried to do his nappy so he shouted 'shut up' at him and I tried to come in and calm ds and he said 'don't come in here and interfere'

OP posts:
Littleladylumps · 05/09/2016 16:48

Your son is witnessing that!!!
As for the money worries... When I left I was flat broke with no home. Happiest days of my life!!!! As I had our safety and sanity.
Yes it was bloody hard but it's made me stronger and my daughter is safe.

AnyFucker · 05/09/2016 17:16

You have a choice whether to live like this or not. Your son does not.

EmmaMacgill · 05/09/2016 17:23

Snapyap you're so young, but before you know it ten years will be gone and your situation will have gotten worse.
I have seen at what can happen to a child who's lived through that kind of psychology abuse and manipulation and trust me it's not pretty. You're not doing him any favours and he won't thank you for it.
I'm sorry to be harsh but that's the truth

gottariskitforabiscuit · 05/09/2016 18:36

Snapyap as a single mother of 3 & having been on the end of DV I didn't wanna read your post & run... It's your life, your young & no matter what anyone says to you wether it be here on MN or in RL you will do whatever you choose to do with regards to your relationship with this twat, but let me assure you the talking to you like shit is how it starts, then its not long before he will up his game & start with the physical violence (bruises, black eyes, swollen face & lips etc from where you've taken a beating) then possibly your LO without his mummy simply because he's pathetic excuse of a daddy couldn't keep his temper under control & keep his hands to himself... I would advise you to get out while you can for you & your child's safety but if you choose to stay (which by all means is your right to do so) I suggest you google "Murdered by my boyfriend" it's a real eye opener !! Best of luck with whatever you choose to do girl Flowers xx

qwom · 05/09/2016 19:15

www.refuge.org.uk

x

Original poster
snapyap · 10/09/2016 16:12

There was an argument today again where I'm sure I didn't start it - but I was called a fucking cunt and told to fuck off! It didn't even escalate to that, that just started straight away. I've had a proper talk with my mum about it and she agrees it's abusive and thinks I should have a proper talk to him about it as it's unacceptable - particularly as today was in front of our son. I am scared to talk to him, raise it with him as it'll just start another argument and I can't face it. I tried to talk to him nicely and hug him etc after the fact today but it carried on to more arguing.

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 10/09/2016 17:33

OP, the very worst thing you can do is give him the positive reinforcement of trying to be nice to him and hug him after he has been abusive Confused

Cary2012 · 10/09/2016 17:40

Oh OP!!!

Re read this thread. Take the excellent advice offered.

Only you can change this. Leave him. Your child does not deserve this, even if you think it's ok.

He called you that, and you tried to hug him?

Speechless.

ElspethFlashman · 10/09/2016 17:44

He called you a fucking cunt in front of your child and your reaction was to give him a hug????

No, love. Just....NO.

This will not be the last time your child hears his Mum being called a cunt.

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