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Original poster

Falling for someone completely unsuitable

52 replies

Often · 03/09/2016 14:39

I've been happily single for 4 years. I date online, in real life and have an active social life. I have no interest in a relationship at the moment, I was married very early in life, i'm now divorced and enjoying myself. I not ashamed to admit that I enjoy sex with different men, one night stands and casual friends with benefits although I usually try to keep it to less than three times as people start getting feelings for each other. I'm not asking for judgement on this, i'm happy with how my life is and all of these men are kept completely separate from my 'real' life, career and children (I have shared residency with their father).

About 3 months ago I met what you call the 'male' equivalent of me. He's a known eligible single man, very charismatic, very good looking, lots of female friends and also happily single.

We met at a party and ended up back at his house that night. The sex was out of this world. I got up afterwards and left like I always do. We've slept with each other off and on now for 6 months. Previous to this month we didn't really text or call just bumped into each other in the city and at mutual friends houses.

However...last week we had sex again and something was different. We ended up in bed talking until the sun came up. Rolling around laughing, cuddling, having sex, talking again. I would usually always leave within 30 mins of having sex as a rule. We didn't discuss it the next day. But since then have been texting more heavily. Last night he alluded to the other night and how it was 'everything, just everything'. I haven't replied to it at all.

I get the sense we are both trying to out 'play' each other. He isn't used to women not falling for him and I don't usually go back to the same man this many times. It seems like we're both playing some stupid game of 'no i'm not interested but I bet I can get you to fall for me'.

I want out. I've thought about it this morning and all afternoon, if i'm honest with myself I know i'm falling for him. He is wildly unsuitable for me and me for him. He is not somebody I would have around my children or could imagine in my life long term. But for the first time in a long time I don't seem to just be able to cut him dead. I've done it multiple times before which makes me think i'm already too far in with this one.

I need to go no contact I think. I don't know if I should offer an explanation up to him first or just ghost on him (as horrible as that is).

I know this is bloody childish, silly and I should just give my head a wobble, of all the men I can't believe this one is the one who got under my skin.

OP posts:
AprilSkies44 · 03/09/2016 15:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 03/09/2016 15:40

Ooh, you met your match, eh ?

Why is he "unsuitable" ?

Desmondo2016 · 03/09/2016 15:44

Apart from your reluctance it sounds like the perfect love story .

Have you not just fallen for each other? Imagine if a man judged you as not the right type to meet his kids sex based on how you've (quite rightly ) chosen to be the last few years?

Desmondo2016 · 03/09/2016 15:44

No idea where that random 'sex' came from lol!

rhuhbarb4 · 03/09/2016 15:45

Both give in to falling for each other and see how it goes. What's the worse that can happen?

Dozer · 03/09/2016 15:45

Why not just ask him if he'd like to date you exclusively?

If not, then you can move on.

TheNaze73 · 03/09/2016 16:02

Go no contact if it bothers you that much. You sound emotionally invested & im feeling that doesn't sit comfortably with you?

GloriaGaynor · 03/09/2016 16:16

What is it about him that you wouldn't want around your kids or for yourself long term?

It sounds like you're ready for a relationship, just not with him.

But if you think he's feeling it too if only in the short term, there's no reason not to have fun for the moment.

Original poster
Often · 03/09/2016 16:27

AF I can't tell if you are being sarky or not? Apols if not

We are at completely different places in our lives. He is all about the social life, out 3/4 times a week, no children, very independent

I'm all about my children and career with a separate 'adult' life on the side.

PP said about emotional investment. Thats exactly what i've been trying to avoid for the last few years. Divorce and last years of marriage were awful, cheating, nastiness and I was in pain for a long time afterwards. I'm fine now (although my therapist doesn't think the casual relationships etc are particularly healthy)

I just can't tell if he is being serious and actually falling for me, or if i'm just a new challenge as his experience is women usually wanting more from him than he wants from them. Do you think that you say 'the other night was everything' in a flippant way? I think i've read and re-read it so many times now i've confused myself! I don't want to laugh him off if it was just a flippant comment.

OP posts:
Original poster
Often · 03/09/2016 16:28

Yes have thought about just going with it for the short term...but all I can see is it eventually ending and the pain that comes with it. Would prefer it to end on my terms.

OP posts:
ReggaeShark · 03/09/2016 16:46

He's fallen for you too. Not sure what you do now though but bet he's in agonies over your lack of response.

Original poster
Often · 03/09/2016 16:59

Reggae, we often go for a while without replying to texts. Hadn't thought that he'll be waiting for a reply. It was said quite off the cuff, not really as a declaration that needed a response I think?

OP posts:
AprilSkies44 · 03/09/2016 17:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GloriaGaynor · 03/09/2016 17:12

Personally I think he's playing you with the everything line.

I'm sure he enjoyed it, but I highly doubt any kind of commitment occurred to him - just more good sex. He wants to see how far he can reel you in.

Given your past I can see why you're cautious, and you're right to get out now.

Dozer · 03/09/2016 17:29

I don't think you can read much into a text or statement like that. You like him enough to want to date him "properly", so why not just seek to do that? If he's not keen then fair enough and best NC as you like him so would be hurt.

Dozer · 03/09/2016 17:31

"His experience is women usually wanting more from him than he wants from them" doesn't bode well.

Justaboy · 03/09/2016 17:39

Err umm , whilst this atomic bomb blast of sex has had the fallout clear and after you have been together in whatever fashion do you see anything after that time?.

I don't really think a relationship can be just a sex thang which this does appear so anything left to sustain it?. Common other interests like love of footie, motorbikes baking, mountaineering and or whatever people have in common?

Also might it be that he might be at a time in his life to come off the boil and settle down a bit?.

Is he much older than you can you say?.

Original poster
Often · 03/09/2016 17:46

Same age.

Gloria, yep that was my thought. I don't know why I'm getting this vibe that he's trying to see if he can "get" the ungettable woman Shock. Usually my gut is right

OP posts:
Original poster
Often · 03/09/2016 17:47

That was supposed to be Hmm not shock!

OP posts:
BreatheDeep · 03/09/2016 17:48

Just wanted to say that I'm happily married to my 'friend with benefits' so it can happen that just sex becomes more. We became really good friends through the casual sex!

He may be playing games with you or he might be serious. I guess you need to decide whether you'd want a relationship with him if he did. If not I'd move on now to prevent any more hurt. If you do want to try, let him know. You'll soon find out whether he was playing you and again you can end it now. Or it might become something much more beautiful Wink

AnyFucker · 03/09/2016 17:55

Not sarcy, light hearted. In a "nudge nudge, wink wink way". Sorry if that didn't come across Smile

spangleknickers · 03/09/2016 18:20

I think you should both stop playing the game and be honest with one another. A relationship doesn't mean moving in together...you could just carry on as you are, but exclusively. Maybe he has fallen for you and that scares you a bit as you were dead set on not having a relationship, and also having been through a painful time before are reluctant to make yourself vulnerable again. It would be a shame to freeze him out if you are scared of getting hurt but I do understand. Perhaps have a candid conversation and ditch him if he cannot reassure you and vice versa

DelicatePreciousThing1 · 03/09/2016 18:26

@AnyFucker
Hahaha

Original poster
Often · 03/09/2016 18:43

AF, I thought that!

Eek wimping out of a convo tonight. Supposed to be seeing him tomorrow, will see how that goes

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 03/09/2016 19:20

Maybe you could just tell him how you feel ?

If he runs a mile, you have your answer

All this mega-cool FWB malarkey is supposed to be fundamentally based on honesty, yes ? And yet I see many of these arrangements are anything but.

Just my opinion, as a boring old married. They didn't do FWB in my glory days Smile