Don't feel like our wedding anniversary is something to 'celebrate'

[ralice]

I really need to vent.

OH and I are having trouble. I mentioned in a previous thread that he can't stop lying. I confronted him early last week about it and he has agreed to seek counselling. He had his first session this Tuesday and said it went well. He has 4 more scheduled in.

I also told him how unhappy I am living in a 'shithole'. Ok, it's not that bad, but that's because I do all the cleaning. He does about 3% of the cleaning and no DIY, so the house is falling down around us. I'm self-employed and look after LO (11 months). I do my work when he's napping and on Wednesdays and Thursdays when he's at nursery. I don't actually have much time to 'myself' to do cleaning, let alone relax like he gets to every evening and weekend. Not only does he not clean, but it's like he actively makes mess too. Dirty socks get taken off and left everywhere. Shoes by the sofa, ready for LO to lick (grim), bags dumped in front of the shoe cupboard in the hall so we can't actually use it, dirty bowls put on top of the dishwasher, bottle caps left where they fall...

His parents are coming to stay tonight so, understandably, I've been trying to clean the house. I've also been up since 6.30am with the baby. At 8.30am I woke OH up and asked if he'd like to take LO to the park so I could do some cleaning without LO under my feet. He said no, he was 'too tired'. Fine. I went out with LO myself and asked OH to clean the bathroom.

I get back and he's up there cleaning - great! Except when I went in there for a shower after putting LO down for a nap I noticed that nothing was wet, the sponge hadn't been used, the cif hadn't been touched. Basically he'd 'wiped' down the side of the bath, the sink and the toilet with dry loo roll, then squirted bleach down the loo. Hadn't emptied the bin, hadn't actually cleaned anything, hadn't even bothered to lift up the soap dispenser to clean the scum underneath! I ended up cleaning it all myself.

...Then I come downstairs to find him just playing on his phone! The kitchen is a mess, the front room needs hoovering (MUCH easier without a baby crawling around and trying to hug the hoover!), the dishwasher needs unloading/reloading. He hasn't even bothered to wash up LO's bottle ready for when he next needs it.

What a useless wanker!! Lazy bastard dickhead wanker. It's our 2nd wedding anniversary on Monday and I've got him fuck all because I don't feel like celebrating. It's 'cotton', so maybe I'll buy him some dishcloths and tell him to get to work. Wanker.

Any advice? Cleaning rota? LTB? Go on strike? I hate living like this. The other day I was fantasising about what it would be like if LO and I lived alone - it would be so clean and tidy! No random hair gel tubs left on the dining table for weeks; no shoes at the bottom of the stairs to trip me up while carrying LO; no fat sweaty man snoring next to me all night. UGH.

What keeps you in this relationship? You know he is not going to change.

You will continue to be his 'mother': there to make his life easy, cook, clean and sort out his mess. He's making your life very hard. How can you stand it?

Dorinda, to be perfectly honest, I'm scared of being a 'single mother' and all that entails. I come from a happy home and I've always said I want to replicate that for my kids. I can't imagine anyone else wanting me, with my quirks and foibles and baggage. I never thought I'd be one of 'those' women, you know? I'm sure that sounds terrible but I can't help but worry how I'll be viewed.

One of those women? Those women who recognise when they are living with a waste of space and decide that they want better for themselves and their child? Look OP, there are no medals for martyrdom. Anyone who knows anything about your situation would admire you for having the guts to refuse to be a doormat any longer. And take it from someone who knows, making decisions based on what other people might say is a very very bad idea

I'm one of "those women".

One of "those women" who refused to be treated like a cleaning vagina by someone who had no respect.
One of "those women" who chose not to inflict this sad fuckwittery on my children.
One of "those women" who didn't want my DC growing up to think their father being "more important" than everyone else was the central focus of family life.
One of "those women" who is much much much happier without the major let down of a person she foolishly ended up having children with dominating her life.
One of "those women" who is strong enough to build a new happy lovely life with her children, free from abuse.

One of "those women" who is doing great thanks, despite knowing there are people like you out there actually sneering at us.

Actually it's pretty fucking fantastic being one of "those women".

I struggle with this idea that your let "advertising" influence your life and decisions to such a massive extent. You know "advertising" is corporations spending money to manipulate people into buying their stuff? It's not intended to be life advice, and if you take it as life advice, sorry but you are a fool.

He grew up in a house where his father was absent and his mum did everything for him and his siblings. I guess from his perspective there's nothing 'wrong' with it, it's normal for the woman to do the housework.
So it's his Mums fault?
This man is a grown up person responsible for his own life and actions as are you!

Great post Panda
Anyone who has a 1950s view of single mothers should be shunned anyway.

OP, why don't you take a bin bag and collect everything that is left behind by him for one week and then give it to him? Gosh, if I were mean I would put a ribbon and write a happy anniversary message but then it's mean.

BeMorePanda that's a bit harsh imo - the OP was sharing her anxieties, and okay not perhaps very elegantly, but few people view life changes of the type we're suggesting she thinks about, without qualms and fears, some of which will be based in stereotypes and fables.

It sounds like the OP has little exposure to single mothers and what we don't know, is frightening.

If we're to provide a listening ear, so to speak, then let's encourage her to talk more about what specifically she's afraid of?

Which actually, seems to be that no one will love her other than her current man. Which I bet is complete rot!

OP I call it low level incompetence, being crap at pretty much everything he's meant to do, always having to be asked to do things that he should voluntarily crack on with.

He does it because he knows you'll buckle eventually and redo the job properly.

I rarely say LTB on here because it is meaningless without a lot more context and history, but honestly, it is depressing reading your circumstances and I have to say you'd be better off without him like a millstone round your neck.

He's a passenger on the train to Slothsville and he hasn't even paid for his ticket.

Panda may speak tough words MrsJackAubrey but they make a lot of sense.

"One of those women" is depressingly disempowering. You never hear "one of those men" in similar circumstances.

Honestly? I would cut your losses now and LTB. He isn't going to change that much (if at all) and all the nagging you'll need to do over the years will get you down. He's shown every sign of being a selfish prick and you can't trust a word he says. I can't see any joy in yours or DC future at the moment, only grief. I'm sorry OP.

I totally agree with Panda too. I'm one of those women and I hated the thought of being judged by people like the OP - being taken advantage of and staying in a marriage like that doesn't make you better than single mothers.
And not to be harsh but there's examples of single parents in books, films, on tv - it's not some unheard of phenomenon that people don't have exposure to.

Of course someone else will love you OP - I've got baggage due to special abuse, am a bit quirky and have a 3 year old child...I still found a new DP who loves me and pulls his weight despite working full time compared to me just starting an MA course and being at home a lot during the day (I'm distance learning and my son is in preschool 4 days out of 5).

You deserve better.

Excellent post bemorepanda

I'm one of those women too.

It took a fuck load of courage to stand up for myself and take off the 'little wife' costume I'd been wearing for 4 years.

My house is clean, calm, happy and financially stable now. Dd is happy and settled and has for the first time in her life having holiday, meals out and gifts just because.
I'm proud of my life and you could be too, rather than chasing around after an overgrown lazy child, cleaning for his parents arrival.

I just want to add that my children also come from a happy home, even though I am one of those women.

Certainly a much happier home than when we still lived with XP. And my DC's relationship with their father has improved, and dare I say it he has improved too (living on his own and having to face the consequences of his actions/inactions every day I guess has done that).

You need to let go of your fantasies about what life is meant to be like - you seem to have some quite rigid preconceived ideas about life and these are restricting you.

The fact is you aren't living in a happy home. Neither are your children.
But you could be.