Don't feel like our wedding anniversary is something to 'celebrate'

[ralice]

I really need to vent.

OH and I are having trouble. I mentioned in a previous thread that he can't stop lying. I confronted him early last week about it and he has agreed to seek counselling. He had his first session this Tuesday and said it went well. He has 4 more scheduled in.

I also told him how unhappy I am living in a 'shithole'. Ok, it's not that bad, but that's because I do all the cleaning. He does about 3% of the cleaning and no DIY, so the house is falling down around us. I'm self-employed and look after LO (11 months). I do my work when he's napping and on Wednesdays and Thursdays when he's at nursery. I don't actually have much time to 'myself' to do cleaning, let alone relax like he gets to every evening and weekend. Not only does he not clean, but it's like he actively makes mess too. Dirty socks get taken off and left everywhere. Shoes by the sofa, ready for LO to lick (grim), bags dumped in front of the shoe cupboard in the hall so we can't actually use it, dirty bowls put on top of the dishwasher, bottle caps left where they fall...

His parents are coming to stay tonight so, understandably, I've been trying to clean the house. I've also been up since 6.30am with the baby. At 8.30am I woke OH up and asked if he'd like to take LO to the park so I could do some cleaning without LO under my feet. He said no, he was 'too tired'. Fine. I went out with LO myself and asked OH to clean the bathroom.

I get back and he's up there cleaning - great! Except when I went in there for a shower after putting LO down for a nap I noticed that nothing was wet, the sponge hadn't been used, the cif hadn't been touched. Basically he'd 'wiped' down the side of the bath, the sink and the toilet with dry loo roll, then squirted bleach down the loo. Hadn't emptied the bin, hadn't actually cleaned anything, hadn't even bothered to lift up the soap dispenser to clean the scum underneath! I ended up cleaning it all myself.

...Then I come downstairs to find him just playing on his phone! The kitchen is a mess, the front room needs hoovering (MUCH easier without a baby crawling around and trying to hug the hoover!), the dishwasher needs unloading/reloading. He hasn't even bothered to wash up LO's bottle ready for when he next needs it.

What a useless wanker!! Lazy bastard dickhead wanker. It's our 2nd wedding anniversary on Monday and I've got him fuck all because I don't feel like celebrating. It's 'cotton', so maybe I'll buy him some dishcloths and tell him to get to work. Wanker.

Any advice? Cleaning rota? LTB? Go on strike? I hate living like this. The other day I was fantasising about what it would be like if LO and I lived alone - it would be so clean and tidy! No random hair gel tubs left on the dining table for weeks; no shoes at the bottom of the stairs to trip me up while carrying LO; no fat sweaty man snoring next to me all night. UGH.

No this isn't being a good father, your benchmark has been set far too low. Imagine when your child is a bit older and needs his Dad for some proper interaction and interest what is he going to get? And the housework thing , my dh works full time whilst I am sahm, and he does loads of stuff round the house and is hands on with kids as soon as he gets home. We celebrate 20 years next year, there's no way on gods green earth we would have lasted without an equal partnership. LTB before another year goes by.

He is the only one who can change himself. And it seems he really doesn't want too.

I'm quite a lazy messy person by nature. Yet I can pull myself together, do housework, look after my DC, go to work, make sure DC are well fed, engage with their lives. I do all this even though I am naturally lazy and pretty rubbish at housework. It is my superpower :)

It would be very patronising and rubbish to think "oh bless he's a man and rubbish at this stuff."

He doesn't want to do it.
He possibly feels deep down its YOUR JOB to do it.
If he wanted to be more involved he very simply could. He is CHOOSING not to.

as for wedding anniversary YANBU.
Perhaps get him a red card? Would he understand that?

OP are you listening to yourself?

"He's a good father in that he enjoys spending time with LO (11 months) and likes holding him, cuddling him, tickling him" - you could get me round and I'd do that, it doesn't make a parent!!

"He works full time and also does some hobbies during the week after work so he doesn't get to spend that much time with LO"

no, he chooses to do his hobbies, he doesn't choose to spend that time with the baby.

why the hell were you cleaning for his parents? And what is the point of being married to a compulsive liar?

I don't get it.

That is a superpower indeed, Panda!

I've not got him anything for our anniversary. I was thinking about popping out to get a card but it seems so insincere - eg a card saying 'Happy anniversary to my love, many more happy years together, you're so special to me' etc just feels like a lie because I'm not happy, it's not a 'happy' anniversary, I don't feel like gushing about our true love or all that soulmate crap. I don't know what he expects our meal out to be like tomorrow!

Tell him you don't feel like going for that meal. What the fuck is there to celebrate? Being a skivvy to a compulsive lying, entitled manchild?

Better off putting that money towards opening an account with a shit hot solicitor's firm and plan your exit.

ralice

What do you get out of this relationship?. You must get something out of it because you are still there so what it is that keeps you within this at all?.

Re your comment:-

"The thing is, he's not a nasty man. He's not abusive, he doesn't abuse alcohol, he's sweet, he's funny, he's loving. He is a good father.

So that makes him ok does it?. No it does not.

Yet more denying guff about your man; he is using his power and control in this relationship to get his own way and he has found an ideal skivvy in you. And he is a compulsive liar as well. You write he is a good father despite the fact that you yourself can write nothing at all positive about your H. Good fathers do not treat their wives with such out and out contempt.

I have to say, this sounds like a worse situation than you are willing to admit to. What worries me more than any other facet is the 'Xbox-whilst-9-month-pregnant-wife-does-the-housework' thing, as this is a massive red flag regarding the level of respect he has for you. My wife is currently 9 months pregnant. Want to know what I did yesterday? Tidied the house from top to bottom, fitted 2 mirrors in our bathrooms, installed the car seat for our baby, hoovered the car out (because I noticed it was a bit grim as I was fitting the seat), put on the washing (x3 loads), made a chilli, did the dishes and then changed the bedsheets before we went to sleep. Want to know what my wife did? Slept, and watched TV because she's 9 months pregnant, exhausted and that's totally expected and acceptable.

If this sounds like a humblebrag then it isn't meant to be - I'm simply pointing out that no husband should be sat on his arse whilst his heavily pregnant wife is struggling. If he's capable of leaving you high and dry at that point, what else is he incapable of?

I agree with BadRespawn

I'm simply pointing out that no husband should be sat on his arse whilst his heavily pregnant wife is struggling.

Exactly.

How old is he?
Was he like this before you married?

He won't change. People rarely change.

over and over, women post on MN about crap husbands. Why, for the love of God, do you put up with this shit?

My DP used to get a hard time from me for not doing the flowers/meals out/anniversary stuff. Not any more though. Because which would you rather - an adult who thinks about you, respects you and loves you 364 days a year, and doesn't need a 'special' day to make you feel special, or a lazy selfish arse who thinks that by giving you one special day, he makes up for the 364 days when he's a self absorbed teenager?

What my DP did last week:

cooked all the evening meals and ran the dishwasher including emptying and loading
The Big Shop and put it all away properly
Clothes washes (everyones)

What I did last week:
mucked out and cleaned the fridge
sorted out the clean laundry into heaps for the family to deal with their own stuff
Tidied the kitchen and living room a couple of times
Did some financial domestic stuff

You are being taken for an absolute mug

Hi all, thanks for your replies. Sorry for delay, it was feeding time at the zoo...

AttilaTheMeerkat - I guess I feel like since he's doing nothing actively wrong (it's more the things he doesn't do) that I'd be doing something silly by leaving. It's not like he's horrible to me - that's the thing. If it was a case of domestic abuse I wouldn't even be questioning it or posting here, I'd be gone. But it's not like he's out to hurt me. Does that make sense?

BadRespawn - My first instinct was to say, 'Wow, your wife is so lucky to have a man like you!' but that is in itself indicative of how little my OH does for me/us/the house. You're completely right - that is how it's supposed to be.

Peonie - He is 30, I'm 28. He was quite lazy before we married but it wasn't such a big deal. We lived in a rented house before we married so none of the DIY was down to us. We both worked full time - he worked in retail, I worked Mon-Fri, so I had a lot of time on my own (no baby!) to keep on top of all the housework and food shopping. I also had the car because he didn't drive. He uses it to get to work now so I can only do as much shopping as I can fit in a basket.

When LO was first born the house was a state and I kept feeling the need to apologise to him for it (not as though I'd get in trouble or anything!) and he'd say, 'You never need to apologise for that, you're looking after our son all day.' I now realise what he SHOULD have said was, 'Don't worry about it - I'll do it.'

MrsJackAubrey - I think the reason this comes up so much is because, as I wrote above, husbands like this aren't doing anything actively bad. My OH isn't abusing me, he works, he's not cheating, he makes me laugh, he pours me wine. It's difficult to really accept that this is a legitimate problem when it could be so much worse, you know? Especially because of the 'traditional' husband/wife roles that the woman should do all the housework.

To be fair to my OH he does cook quite often (4/7 I'd say).

But he is actively doing something bad OP. He's an adult who is behaving like an overgrown teenager. He's treating you his partner like a mug. He picks up and puts down his baby son based on how much he can be arsed,not what his son needs. He's abusing your goodwill and your sense of guilt that you 'should' be doing most of the housework because you're the woman. Its 2016, not 1950. Both adults in a partnership should be pulling their weight and not expecting a gold medal for it either

OP I'm mystified by this

he does no housework = he is doing something actively bad. And that's been from the start of your relationship?

If the standard for a partner is "he doesn't abuse me or drink loads" then you need to raise your standards frankly. As for the "tradition" you refer to, I know MN doesn't look it sometimes but it is 2016.

SMH. Please don't let your LO grow up thinking this is normal.

Lorelei, I think that was a bit uncalled for. Of course I know it's not normal and it shouldn't be this way. I know it's 2016. But don't you think that the stereotypes are still perpetuated in advertising, tv shows, etc? He grew up in a house where his father was absent and his mum did everything for him and his siblings. I guess from his perspective there's nothing 'wrong' with it, it's normal for the woman to do the housework. The issue is whether he can change and learn to pull his weight. Unfortunately I don't think the answer is 'yes'!

It's not like he's horrible to me

It is like he's horrible to you.

The way he treats you is awful.

You pointed out to him exactly how disrespectful it is and he just carried on.

Because he is fine with disrespecting you.

Especially because of the 'traditional' husband/wife roles that the woman should do all the housework.

So many "traditions" from the last century that were sexist enough at the the time have been rewritten to be utterly misogynistic.

The tradition was not that "the woman should do all the housework", it was that the woman ran the house and the man earned the money.

It was a division of respinsibilities, not an edict that women were responsible for everything.

My granda would have thought your husband was a disgusting, disrespectful slob to treat the home wis wife ran like that.

He would think he was a sorry type of man to fail so utterly to keep up with his DIY jobs and maintain his house properly.

Both he and my Granny would feel very sorry for the woman who had thrown away her life on such a bad man.

There is no tradition that says a man who doesn't beat you is a good man woryh staying with.

Just people who try to misrepresent tradotion to justify male supremacy.

I am not the only poster who referred to the year in their reply.

and he will not be the only man who grew up in that kind of house but still manages to pull their weight.

speaking of which - I'll remove my weight from the thread so you can feel a little lighter

OP, I know a very nice man who is married to a friend of mine. He was brought up by a mother who did everything but wipe his backside for him, and this continued when he lived at home as an adult. So when he moved in with my friend, he was expecting his dinner on the table and his sandwiches in the fridge every night. When my friend made it very clear that this would NOT be happening, and why, this guy was MORTIFIED and cleaned up his act immediately. He did not push back and continue to take the piss like your man is doing. You can do so much better than this OP. You're fantasising about how life would be without him - why do you think that is?

Sorry Lorelei, I didn't mean you should leave! I guess it hit a nerve when you said about my son learning from OH. I don't want him to think it's ok.

DoinItFine, what you said really hit home. My grandparents would feel the same - in fact I know my dad thinks poorly of OH for his lack of care of the house (which he helped us buy and is invested in 13%!).

Thank you all once again. You're really helping me to see that it's not right and I deserve more.

He is prepared to sit with his feet up watching you struggle.
He is prepared to sabotage your efforts to be clean and tidy by leaving his mess everywhere.
He is content to ignore his own child so he can have an easy time with drinks and television.
He will only do domestic tasks as a disingenuous tactic to impress (others, not you).

I am sorry to say it, but I don't think any of those repeated behaviours is consistent with being 'loving'. Will he change? If not, can you live like this long-term? Can you bear to see your child seeking attention and being rebuffed because he would rather veg?

You sound like two people who would co-parent a lot better from separate households.

I'm struggling with a similar DH at the moment - although he doesn't lie, there are other issues at play. He's always been lazy, always been a bit indulged (by me I'm sorry to say!), and now we have a baby it just can't continue any more. I feel like I'm about to crack! So you have my sympathies. It's hard to know what to do when they are not openly a bad, nasty person (and in fact to outsiders seem like an ideal husband) but they are very difficult to live with day-in, day-out.

Anchor, so sorry to hear you're going through the same thing. I think if we didn't have LO we'd just be chugging along as we were, but like you say, now we have a baby things just can't continue as they are. for us both I think!

Wind, I definitely can't live like this long-term. I'd be happy with doing all the cleaning if he did the DIY and gardening and didn't leave his stuff everywhere but he just doesn't. Ultimatum time I think.

Oh ralice, sorry but he sounds soooo lazy, like a teenager !! You say his parents are coming over. Can they have a word with him? If not, you need to find some leverage, ie say you are going on strike if he doesn't pull his weight. He might actually be like a child in the sense that he needs to be told EXACTLY what to do, with a rota to follow etc. Show him how you expect bathroom to be cleaned to your satisfaction. Give him a list to do - ie, hoover living room, remove bags, remove hair gel from dining table etc etc....
He sounds like bloody hard work though and I'm not surprised you're pd off.

I shouldn't have to tell him exactly what to do though, should I? That still makes my workload bigger than his! I don't want to parent him. I want someone who will see the spill on the countertop and clean it, or realise the leftovers in the tiny pot we used for LO's food is for LO and not give him breadsticks for lunch >.<

He should realise the longer he leaves his beard dye kit out the angrier I'll get. He doesn't know where the dustpan and brush lives!!! He doesn't know how to empty the Hoover! He doesn't know how to load the dishwasher (he puts plastic pots in loose that get turned upside down and hold dirty water so nothing dries and I have to re-wash them anyway).

despairs