My wife cheated on me

[CheatedDad]

I need advise. I am male and felt i need advise from the other perspective. Been married 16 years. I found an old mobile 4 weeks ago and asked wife what it was. She said one of our old ones. Alarm bells rang asto the location i found it. It was in our kids wardrobe under their clothes. It was pin blocked. I hid it and went straight down to mobile shop to get it sorted. Guy said it would take time. Went up north with wife and 4 kids all boys for break. She stayed as it was her mums and i came back after week for job purposes. Week later remembered mobile and went and got it. She had deleted alot but there was a memory card still in. First i saw numbers and recognised my male cousins number. Then the pictures all filthy all with her but then it got more filthy they both were having sex. Then the videos. I am talking porn style videos. In my bed in my house on my sofa and there was even a video of her giving him oral sex in my bathroom where the time suggested i was sleeping in the bedroom at the time.
I confronted her she told me all. It started 2 and a half years ago lasted 1 year 8 months. She even had sex whilst she knew she pregnant with my fourth child (we just had paternity. He is mine). She says it ended last year. Says mobile was there as she deleted all and had threw sim. She was going to throw the phone but did not want me to find so hid it until bin day. The records on mobile do show that she not lying about timeline.
I did suspect something two years ago and then she made out i was mad called the police said i was threatening her called my parents and made them take me as i was evil for saying those things. She could have ended it with him then because it was him i suspected her with.

She is remorseful. She says she wants me. She says she loves me. Reasons for the actions she says cos she had a miscarraige (we lost at 5 months few years ago) and did not take it well. She says i stopped caring and loving her and she wanted attention and he gave it to her. She says they talked he listened and that sex was just something they did after. She says he meant nothing and he knew it and he was jealous of me cos he knew she loved me.
I am in a big dilemma. I love her and always will. The kids are my priority and the older one whose 15 wants me to stayfor his sake cos he says he wont live with her.

A big part of me wants to forgive and forget but it is alot of deceit. I am finding it too hard. Please advise me. Children are 15,8, 5, 5 months.
Am i not seeing straight? please help

I must say, she has messed this up. As for advise you need to look at yourself first and foremost. Can you live with someone like her? If your mate came along, what advise would you give him if he was in your shoes? Would you be willing to go to therapy with her? Another thing to do is write it all down, for your eyes only, spell out the emotions, the thoughts, give it some time and if you are able to- read it, if not then toss it, burn it. Take some time to yourself, as you have a 5 month old I can see this being tricky, but still take some time. Long walks, a drive anything that gives you some time for you to breath and feel what you can and cannot live with. Ask her questions, challenge answers, discuss this as this is a form for therapy for you in the long run. Talk, take breaks to think, talk some more. Do not overthink things but do think and feel, talk is what will get you through this, writing things down to give yourself your own second opinion. Piece together where you and your family will go from here, either as a couple or "separate" ways as you will still be connected through the children. Best of luck and hope some of this could help you with your feelings and thoughts.

Oh wow I am so sorry that this has happened to you I didn't want to read and run off.

I don't want to be the one that steps out of line but have you ever felt or thought she might of used the miscarriage as an excuse for the affair?
I could understand if it was just a one night stand but it wasn't it went on for a year and 8 flipping months??! She had by the sounds of it very disgusting vile pictures and videos (trophies) of this affair on a phone she hid in your Children's wardrobe!! ..
What if the phone had not of being pin locked and one of your kids got onto it and they had seen the pictures?...
And as for she did it because you weren't giving her attention showing her you care or talking to her??.. What kind of excuse is that?? Really! To jump into bed with your cousin?????!! No love. She's not taking any responsibility of what she has done at all.
She gave him a blowjob in your bathroom whilst you were asleep in bed! That's not something a woman who's grieving does.

She says she did all that because he asked. She saus shevfelt she had to give. It started with her anonymously texting him for talk. From there he got het to reveal who she was and then slowly the convo went sexual snd he was the one that asked for graphic pics. She felt she had to as she had started it and could not go backwards as she was getting deeper and could not get out although she wanted to. Whenever she left him he would emotionally blackmail her and somehow get her back. He has a track record of going for vulnerable married women i.e cracks in marriage. No single woman wants him

My point to her was u dont jump in bed

She seems to say a lot!
Your point is very much correct, nobody forces you to have an affair for a year and 8 month

OP I know you love her. But loving someone doesn't mean they can be in a relationship with us. The love you feel for her comes from you, because you are a loving person, it's not about her, you can have that love for a different person. I'm sorry you feel you want to hurt yourself, that's not unusual to feel desperate when life throws massive change our way. Pleas speak to your GP, and seek other sources of support, you can even email the Samaritans via. [email protected]. And keep talking to us.

So she reached out to him first?

At the end of the day when will you know that you have learnt all that there is? You won't, and it will drive you crazy.

A few of us have suggested counselling, is that something you would consider?

Surely all of this has shown you that she is a really good liar. She lied to you convincingly throughout, and may have lied to him too.

So I don't understand why you believe her now.

I am in a very dark place at the moment.

CD, you can still be a good father to your kids even if you offload your cheating wife.

There are two things in what you've said that really stand out apart from the affair being with your cousin.

She called the police on you.
And she took part in the photos and videos .. in your house and evev while you were sleeping. That's one high level of disrespect.

They took you for a fool her excuse following the miscarriage is nonsense.

If you don't do anything else, make her go to the police station or write a letter saying she was lying when she called them and it was all to cover her affair. See how much she really wants this marriage.

If she isn't willing to go and confess that she made a false allegation against you, then you should divorce her.

Remorse isn't saying sorry after an affair of that long. Is love a good enough reason to put with a wife who would have sex repeatedly with your cousin?

What happens the next time she doesn't feel affection from you.

Is this the kind of wife you'd want for your sons? Would you encourage them to forgive this level of deceit? With a family member?

A good wife doesn't do what she did. How can you ever trust her, let alone touch her.

I don't even think she'll respect you for staying. It will tell her she can do anything and you will forgive her.

I'm sorry, but I can't really give you a view that reconciliation is a good idea. Too much damage been done.

Just mulling something over. Was your wife a fully participating half of this affair (despite the guilt, recriminations etc)? Or was this a situation where she did something she shouldn't have and then was blackmailed into further acts which were filmed as "evidence"?

And before anyone dives in, what she has done is wrong. Yes, women are more than capable of cheating in horrendous ways.

But something just doesn't sit right with me. If she was coerced into this at some stage, we are talking a very serious situation.

But then why did she have the phone and not the cousin?

Good point 12hours. Unless they both have photos, messages and videos as evidence to keep each other quiet. Or as a memento.

Yes could be Finola. She just doesn't seem to be accepting any responsibility for it, even though she initiated contact in the first place. I would probably believe her more if she put her hands up and said she was equally responsible but she is totally blaming the cousin.

Op, I know this doesn't really help you much, us debating the ins and outs, but it's an unusual situation. If you are feeling awful and in a dark place, don't forget you can call the Samaritans or other support lines 24/7 if you need to actually speak to someone.

I am going through something similar right now so I can imagine how you feel (although it's not a member of my family). Look after yourself and do what you want to do, you don't have to decide anything today.

OP, you say you're in a dark place but you'll get through it. It happens to the best of us, and life goes on. For most, life gets even better.

If your son or brother or best friend was going through this, what would your advice be? To suck it up, or move on?

You can be single, free to find someone who deserves you, and co-parent your DC.

You love the memory of her, who you thought she was, not the woman who could treat you this badly. It's time to stop moping and get angry.

Yes you love her. But you think will you ever be able to trust her again? When her phone goes would you not start asking who it was or search her phone? When she goes out asking where she's going/who with. Would you trust her around your family members? A relationship wont work without trust. This wasn't just a one night stand with a stranger , it was a very long affair with a family member! She's heartless and playing the victim.

Of course you won't ever be able to trust her, you couldn't even trust her to be in the next room while you were sleeping!

She loves you but she was happy to give oral to your cousin and also to be videotaped. I feel sorry for the kids.