"Relationship" advice please.

[lakefaith]

This is a long one so I'm sorry, I really need advice. I'm 33 and met a guy who is 38 on a dating site (match) 7 years ago. We spoke and speak on the phone, emails, texts, face time everyday for the whole of the 7 years. I have been single the whole time and he tells me he has too, I believed it because he reminds me of Sheldon (Big Bang theory) in these 7 years at the start it was flirty, and there had been rude photos and steamy phone calls but clearly as we have never met in person nothing else, the flirting and rude stuff has all stopped and he doesn't engage in that at all with me. He has given me his address and we send each other birthday and Christmas cards. I have done all the checks I can to see if he has a wife or partner but I really don't think he does. He tells me he wants to be with me "I see our future together" and he tells me that he loves me and can only see himself with me but nothing has ever happened. I have only had two past partners and both had been very violent and I feel like he might be taking advantage of my lack of good judgement. I have a ok job I'm a teacher and I'm not a complete monster and get male attention offen but I feel so attacked to him. I really need as many peoples point of view as possible, I'm so lost at the moment please help me see more clear.

Dear OP. I'm so sorry but this will never be anything than a virtual thing. As others have said, its easy to get sucked in to the virtual life, its addictive and makes you feel like there's someone out there who cares. But, without an iota of criticism I'm sad its taken you 7 years to start to question it - I'd be querying someone who didn't want to meet after a month! The distances are nothing. Sadly, he's not what he seems because otherwise he would have met, you have no way of knowing if the pics are real and of him - so yes its a bit catfish.

You sound a really lovely kind person with a good job but you need to get out and live in the real world, meet friends, go one dates, whatever, but have fun. I say this with the irony of hanging out on Mumsnet, but there is no substitute for real life! Texting, messaging, calls should all be the means to arrange to keep in touch and meet up. Not an alternative to meeting up.

Dont wait for his response. He's not going to meet you. If he did he'd not be what he seems. He's not got any real desire to have a real life relationship. So move on. Have fun and be kind to yourself.

I think you can turn this into a really positive thing. You've had a friendship with someone for years - it's not been abusive. It's odd that he doesn't want to meet up, but that doesn't mean he's a bad person. You had troubled relationships in the past and you haven't had that for seven years. Instead you've had a friend you could talk to and you know now what you want.

You won't get it with this man - that's pretty obvious. Now's the time to find someone who is up for having a full relationship. There's no need to ditch this guy though it's probably wiser to lessen the contact.

Now these men who are giving you the eye - is there anyone there you're tempted by?

Mummydummy: thank you yours and everyone's advice has really given me an insight of this silly mess and given me the strength needed to confront him.
The only reason I know it's him because at the start I made him FaceTime me with out warning, I texted him and said I'm calling you in one minute pick up or don't bother again, he picked up and I was delighted I wasn't talking to Gary glitter. I feel the same I explained what I wanted from this and he explained " he sees our life's joined in the further" he said that 7 years ago so I guess he meant the further further like when I'm in a nursing home. I know it's extremely clear what our relationship is and was and I feel so sad to have held on so long. I want to move on and heal from this awful experience, it just makes me sad that someone would want to hurt me knowing everything he knows but maybe that's why it was easy to do as he knew what I would put up with. I really appirciate everyone giving me advice and allowing me to rant away.

Imperial: thank you for your comment, I felt sad reading it because I miss him already I won't tell him that but I feel if he wants to keep in touch as we have spoken everyday for 7 years both morning and evening. I feel not speaking so much is a good thing and me letting him go will be the right thing to do. To tell the truth sadly I do get a bit of attention from all the wrong types of men, im shy and have been alone so long I wouldn't even know how to be with anyone. I have a child so I can't be too open minded. I have never looked at another man in all these years, I want to be with someone who will be a father to my child and I know it won't be this man. Thank you again.

There is something I didn't write that he has said a few times. He has told me he doesn't want me to be with another man, he also tells me he would be heart broken and feel so sad and angry with himself if that happened. He tells me he wants us to have children in the future. When he tells me this it's always when he things I might meet someone. He knits me teddys and hats and stuff and sends them to me, which I thought was sweet and kind, we had around four meeting dates which they came and went and he didn't mention them again when they pass, so o don't make anymore date meet ups. Sorry just wanted to add that.

Now he's venturing into Weird World. How will he have children with you if you don't meet? How could he even know he wants children with you if he hasn't been in the same room as you?

I've sent you a PM, OP.

Just an update of all this mess. I spoke to him about I'm not happy with not meeting and waiting for 7 years, I only got the reply of " I understand" so I have decided it doesn't matter how difficult it is I'm holding back I think his reply said it all. Replacing my habit - mumnet advice every evening when I'm bored. Good luck everyone, with my advice you might need it. Thank you to everyone that has commented and sent messages, I really needed your help so thank you.

Do the Freedom programme, to help you identify and avoid unhealthy relationships going forward.
Good luck x

I haven't heard of the freedom programme but I will look into it. Thank you for your advice.