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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

"Relationship" advice please.

60 replies

lakefaith · 02/09/2016 01:06

This is a long one so I'm sorry, I really need advice. I'm 33 and met a guy who is 38 on a dating site (match) 7 years ago. We spoke and speak on the phone, emails, texts, face time everyday for the whole of the 7 years. I have been single the whole time and he tells me he has too, I believed it because he reminds me of Sheldon (Big Bang theory) in these 7 years at the start it was flirty, and there had been rude photos and steamy phone calls but clearly as we have never met in person nothing else, the flirting and rude stuff has all stopped and he doesn't engage in that at all with me. He has given me his address and we send each other birthday and Christmas cards. I have done all the checks I can to see if he has a wife or partner but I really don't think he does. He tells me he wants to be with me "I see our future together" and he tells me that he loves me and can only see himself with me but nothing has ever happened. I have only had two past partners and both had been very violent and I feel like he might be taking advantage of my lack of good judgement. I have a ok job I'm a teacher and I'm not a complete monster and get male attention offen but I feel so attacked to him. I really need as many peoples point of view as possible, I'm so lost at the moment please help me see more clear.

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Original poster
lakefaith · 02/09/2016 01:57

I think your right, he doesn't text me during the day anymore unless it's to tell me something extremely boring like his friends had a baby (the friends I have never met) I have tried a few times (a lot) to flirt but he changes the subject or doesn't speak. I have just realised the more I write and read back the more crazy I'm sounding. I don't want to keep him around if this is all he really wants (the future faking) I don't need that, I would rather he take the hope away then be given fake hope. I really really appreciate all your advice, I really needed it. Thank you x

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Original poster
lakefaith · 02/09/2016 02:00

Pieceofpurplesky, if only Catfish wasn't on the TV for everyone to see how sad you are I would totally be calling them up. Sadly he is who he has told me he is (I checked) also we have spoken on face time and photos. But I think something isn't right. (Love catfish)

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powershowerforanhour · 02/09/2016 02:02

On the plus side:
It might have been a fantasy relationship but at least that's better than a real life abusive relationship, so you are on the up. Next step, a bit of me time then possibly a relationship which is both nice AND real.
Yes you are still young.
And a teacher is not an "OK" job, it's a great job, albeit a tough one. Be proud!
And you have single handedly raised a child. Be proud!!
Sorry to hear about your horrible rapist ex.
You have survived and done brilliantly where other people would have crumpled, so GO YOU.
A fantasy relationship that tails on too long is probably pretty common. I did it. Don't feel ashamed of yourself. Well OK you can wallow in embarrassed self pity for a day or two and then go forth boldly into your future.

powershowerforanhour · 02/09/2016 02:04

AKA chuck it in the fuck it bucket and move on Goodnight and good luck x

Original poster
lakefaith · 02/09/2016 02:09

Thank you powershowerforanhour.

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PitilessYank · 02/09/2016 02:42

Lake, I agree with Powershower. It's definitely a step up from a frankly abusive relationship, and so your next move would be a nice, warm and loving in-person relationship.

I also think you sound impressive. I spent ten years in and out of multiple (terrible) relationships when younger. The only difference from you is that you stuck with one or two jerks and I powered my way threw 20 jerks, all carbon-copies of the others.

I found someone marvelous eventually, and so will you.
FlowersSmile

PitilessYank · 02/09/2016 02:43

Through, not threw

Original poster
lakefaith · 02/09/2016 02:59

PitilessYank, thank you. I do feel when it comes to him I'm blind to common sense and everything is in fog. I want a "normal" relationship one day and with the advice given I do think it just won't be with him. Thank you for your help.

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Original poster
lakefaith · 02/09/2016 09:50

if there are any men on here I would be greatful for a male point of view.

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LoveRosie2008 · 02/09/2016 10:06

I don't know what the answer is for these kind of things, have had similar. I only assume they just want to be friends or have a sexual problem like ED?

ageingrunner · 02/09/2016 12:29

I think if he was a decent man and cared about you, he wouldn't be stringing you along like this. I know that probably hard to hear, but it's true isn't it?

FrogFairy · 02/09/2016 13:10

You are not his girlfriend, you are a modern day penpal.

You deserve so much more. Move on and maybe seek some counselling.

princessmi12 · 02/09/2016 13:29

Do you know his address? Can you go yourself (without Catfish crew) and find out once and for all what the situation is. Just turn up on the door step and knock on the door.

princessmi12 · 02/09/2016 13:30

And don't think it would be weird or stalking because after 7 years of stringing you along you DESERVE this resolved.

Original poster
lakefaith · 02/09/2016 13:39

Your all right with the counselling issue I had a little and I kept him out of it and was to embarrassed to tell her what I was doing. After everyone's comments I messaged him this morning and said that I refuse to wait any longer and if what he said was true he wouldn't have waited 7 years plus to ask to see me. I am not a bad person or weird (apart from talking to a guy I never met for 7 years) I am not a monster and get male attention I just liked and wanted my next relationship to be with someone I had a "friendship" and trusted. He reponse was short and more or less said "ok I understand, but I meant the things I said" so I feel like that is my answer.

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ConkersDontScareSpiders · 02/09/2016 13:43

Gosh this also sounds a bit catfish to me. Sorry op. I think you need to open yourself up to dating other people-please don't waste any more time on this.

Original poster
lakefaith · 02/09/2016 13:46

Princesmi12: I do know his address, he knows mine to. The thing is he lets me send cards to his address and picks up the phone whenever I call, whatever the time. I don't believe I would find any women at his home. I don't believe his actively seeing someone. Maybe he loves someone, maybe an ex. He was very secretive regarding his place of work so maybe it's a women there he likes but all I know is that seeing all my friends have met people and have moved on when I have been so stupid and just waited around for someone who clearly has no feelings towards me. I feel cross and like a fool, it's just I wanted him to be "the one"

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ConkersDontScareSpiders · 02/09/2016 13:48

Oh sorry-just read your update. Sorry op-I know it must hurt. It's easy to get sucked in to something like this I think-especially when you have had a hard time of it in the past.
At least you have your answer even if it's not the one you wanted. Time to delete him, and move on. In the up side, it's a new term at school-you said you were a teacher? That should provide some distraction and September is a good time to take stock, and start again with a sort of new term mentality. Best of luck to you-you are clearly a strong person having come out of your abusive relationships in the past,and I'm sure you've a lot to offer as a potential partner for someone.you just have to keep looking.best of luck

Original poster
lakefaith · 02/09/2016 13:48

Yes it does sound very catfish your right. But he is s little like sheldon from the Big Bang theory so I thought he was just a little "different"

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Original poster
lakefaith · 02/09/2016 13:51

Conkers: thank you, yes I'm a teacher so I will go back and keep my mind on my child and my work and if I am meant to meet someone I will and if not it's fine I'm a mother and we have done pretty well so far with just us. Thank you for your advice x

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RedMapleLeaf · 02/09/2016 14:41

I would stop worrying about his motives for being in this relationship and explore why you think you are. What do you get from it?

Original poster
lakefaith · 02/09/2016 14:51

Redmapel: your right the sensible part of me would say that to myself then I go crazy trying to work him out when there really is no point to it. I enjoyed the relationship and stayed in it because clearly I'm alone and I understand that I felt I wasn't alone when we would talk or having our conversations when I got home from work made me feel as if I had someone there. It's just me and my child and I met him when my child was one. I was so lonely and i found being a mother alone difficult. My child has special needs (ADHD & SAD) so sometimes I just needed to feel like I had someone. Knowing that I won't have him makes me feel things are a little more grey and I feel sad that I lost the relationship and I understand it wasn't a real relationship but he was the nicest relationship I have ever had. I stayed because I'm stupid and I held onto false hope. (I so need therapy) Sad

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HuskyLover1 · 02/09/2016 14:59

You have placed your life on hold, for a guy you have never met. He might be an absolute dickhead in person.

Do you honestly think that he hasn't had relationships and plenty of sex over the last 7 years? Of course he has. He will have had real relationships and the bonus of you as a side dish.

I suspect that he has cooled a bit, because he is getting serious with another woman. Maybe he was ok having casual hook ups alongside talking to you, but now it's becoming inappropriate, as his current relationship is getting serious.

Just because you have an address for birthday cards, doesn't mean he's single. Maybe he has a girlfriend, but they don't live together. Maybe it's his parents address? Or a friends address, who knows he is a cad and covers for him.

As for deleting Facebook and Instagram - that's because he doesn't want you posting on his page and /or doesn't want you seeing certain parts of his life. Why is that, do you think? To me it's fairly obvious.

Personally, I would travel to the address that you have (without warning him!) You have every right to do that. Take the bull by the horns. Get a babysitter and go this Saturday. You will have your answer. I fear you will only be able to move on, once you are in full possession of the facts.

princessmi12 · 02/09/2016 15:07

It doesn't matter really now why and how.All that matters is you can turn your life around and the start of new life is today. You WILL meet someone nice who will be there for you in real life,not just over the phone.There will be time you will look back and think: it's great that I got free from this attachment and my life is much better now!

Original poster
lakefaith · 02/09/2016 15:23

Husky: inside I think the same, he deleted the social media once I found him on there, and I said I read him flirting with other women and I didn't realise he was talking to other women the way he was with me he denied it and then deleted the site. He isn't shy because I have seen photos of him out in groups and he seems like a social butterfly. He acts like Sheldon so I felt him telling me he hadn't been with anyone was a possible thing but when other people tell me that isn't true his a man of course he has I guess that looks like a clear lie. I thought about turning up at his house so many times but I think I won't find a women there and I will have to go all out and stalk him by foot once he walks to the pub or out and about. (I haven't done that before stalker Virgin) i think knowing the truth would give me the strength to turn that page in my life but I don't think I will no the full truth either way. I agree he probably is with someone and they don't live together. This man is sending me crazy.

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