Please help I don't know what to do

[Laddersinmybloodytights]

I apologise in advance if this is a long one ...

I don't know where to start really, been with my husband for 14 years, have 1 son who is 2 and a half. I don't think I want to be with my husband anymore.
I had another miscarriage in January this year and since then things have been awful. We've supposedly been "trying" for another since then but have only slept together at the very most about 4 or 5 times per month, probably even less. Actually went 9 weeks with no action recently. Constantly stays up late watching the fucking tv so of course when he comes to bed surprise! I'm asleep. Then he moans because he's tired and has to get up at 6am, (so do I) but will not come to bed with me at about 10pm. Drinks every night. And I mean a bottle of red wine and then 2 or 3 cans of beer/cider but will not be told that this is far far too much and pretty unhealthy, I find it repulsive that he drinks this every night.
Anyway, avoiding me everynight, the red wine makes him incapable of sex anyway, always on his phone, has changed the code for it 3 times since the beginning of the year, I only want on it to see his photo's of our son but he won't let me. Just all the nonsense with his phone, avoiding sex with me, secretive with his phone, always on it, never wanting to do anything with us at all, always talking about the same woman he sees everyday at work, speaks to her more than me so it seems, I think he's always messaging her aswell for the fitbit shite app they all have, so he made me think he was sleeping with someone else. I'm sorry if this is rambling there is just so much.

Was so sick of doing ovulation tests and letting him know the time was right, sitting waiting in bed for him like a complete fool, doing pregnancy tests and always negative, getting more and more angry every month that passes because I know if I went to the doctor about not getting pregnant(I've been off the pill for 1 year now) and said how little we had sex I'd get sent away and told to do it more (I have said this to him a few times with no response) I began to feel it was me, not attractive enough anymore, too fat,(I know I'm not really) etc etc but bloody didn't let him know that though.

Anyway things came to a head a few weeks ago, ended up putting it all on the table, all on him, asked if he was stressed, money worries, unhappy, work problems family problems etc all answered with no, it's fine, and no actual answers to what he felt was wrong between us, nothing wrong apparently, doesn't know why he's so fucking grumpy and miserable towards us all the time, shouting at our son for the tiniest thing, everything I say or do is wrong, stupid, not good enough, sleeps in the spare room most nights as he "doesn't want to wake me up".
One night we ended up talking/arguing til about 2am, he finally admitted that he has been actively avoiding having sex with me so I don't get pregnant, doesn't think he wants anymore children, money is a factor (which it absolutely is not, but he wont bother trying to expand the business to make more money and use my skills/knowledge to do so), thinks he's too old now.(45) Had a bit of an "Is this our marriage over?" moment. Why tell me that shit now? I have been with this man since I was 21, and I've always been very honest about wanting 4 children and not wanting to be an older mum. Not once has he said "I only want 1 or 2 children", NEVER EVER. I said that if he had been honest about only wanting 1 or 2 kids years ago then I would have dumped him and not married him. So he's just strung me along hasn't he? Because he knew that didn't he? I feel like he's cheated me out of the best years of my life, I only have 1 ovary and fallopian tube left after ectopic pregnancy surgery and am 35 soon, what the fuck is he playing at? He's been so dishonest about this that he led me to believe he was having an affair!!(which he still denies) Who does that?! I'm so sad all the time, I'm so angry all the time, with every period I get I feel so much hatred towards him. I keep looking at my son and feel miserable that he's not got any siblings. He doesn't deserve to be an only child, a very close friend is an only child and about growing up alone she said it was so fucking lonely. I'm one of 5 and husband is one of 4 children, how could he want our son to grow up alone when he never? I don't understand that.
I said to him if he doesn't want anymore children I want him to leave, but the response is "I'm not going anywhere" or "It's my house". He wont entertain going to marriage counselling. Won't move in with his dad to give us a break. Claims he still wants to be together and does want another child after all (but still stays up late drinking and not having sex with me, doesn't even touch me and don't ask me when he last kissed me) There's a few other things that he's done but this is getting very long and rambling. I just don't know what to do. I have nowhere to go and not very much money and 2 dogs and 2 horses I would have to move (and pay someone else to house), he can go to his dads huge empty house which is just over the hill, have asked him to go, told him to go, but he wont. I think I'm starting to hate him. he's carrying on in his usual manner like fuck all is wrong and it's pissing me off. I feel like he's going to string me along, like he has with everything else, having sex occasionally but not enough to get pregnant, then before you know it I'll be 40 and still not had another baby, and probably unable to. I can see it now and I don't want to let that happen. I don't know what to do. Someone please help me, I'm scared of what a divorce means and what would happen to me, I have nothing and nowhere else to go and he wont leave. I'm so sad, I've only ever wanted a big family of my own and he's purposefully denied me that and lied to me about it for years probably. I'm not living the rest of my life so miserably, I can't, but I don't know what to do.

Yes, I'm not sure why it is so awful to want the children with my husband that we had planned together

It see,s like you want totally different things in life

He wants to go to work, come home and drink in front of the TV and text his mates. He can't be bothered with your or his son .

You want to have another baby, have his be a father and husband and work with your dogs and horses.

You are completely incompatible . Unless one of both of you are willing to make huge changes, then you will never be happy together.

You can't make him change, you've been trying to to that for months and it's just making you angry and unhappy . So either accept this is the way it's going to be or make plans to split up. I'm guessing he's a farmer and it's his family farm so it's going to have to be you .

Hi ladders, this is my first post here but reading your posts I feel for the both of you. You've not really answered other posters but would you be able to stay with anyone nearby for a week? Or maybe counselling/life coach for yourself, just to maybe give clarity to what is going on? I feel for your husband as its obvious he has issues that he's dealing with internally, as it seems you do too, yet there's very little positive communication between you both.
I know it must be heartbreaking as you so desperately want another baby but I don't think that is the fairest option right now on you, your husband and your child. Are you able to have a frank discussion (could someone mind your little one?) and really talk-maybe during the day so no drink/tiredness involved? Find out does he want to be in the marriage, do you both feel invested and willing to put in a fair amount of work so you can both get in a happier and healthier life, potentially with or without any more children?

He is an alcoholic. Bottle of red and cans of lager every night is alcoholism. Plus you said he moved from all lager to red wine and lager - he's moved on to stronger stuff.

ime alcoholics use alcohol to moderate mood and fall in to the trap of needing it every night. I would say he was depressed about a few things, which would also lower his sex drive. Firstly the stress of your miscarriages. He doesn't sound like a 'talker' so will have internalised it all, despite your attempts to talk it thorugh and ask him if he's ok. He's not.

Secondly, he has become interested in another woman but from the sounds of it on an emotional rather than physical level. Possibly as a result of being stressed, although he could just be a bit of an arse.

Thirdly, he has a lower sex drive and has become more shouty/short tempered which are both signs of stress.

I would tackle the alcoholism first, but not before you have got some advice on how to do so. try www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/

This is because when you're in the midst of an addiction you are in denial of it and change only really comes from the person who is addicted realising they have a problem (reaching rock bottom) and that they must change. So you can't convince him of this, he has to find it himself.

Tbh, the focus seems to be all about having another child, when the real issue that screams back at me is OW involved. I have a strong feeling he has someone lined up, but is fighting within himself that it's wrong and is drinking to cope. The only thing that might possibly suggest he isn't having an affair is the fact that he isn't leaving when you've basically given him permission to do so, although the reason could be that he hasn't made the decision in his head to leave yet. Definitely wouldn't consider having another child with him as the reality is you will probably be a single mum shortly after giving birth.

Why have you asked him to leave because he won't provide you any more babies. I think he is not feeling appreciated as a person and feels used by you.

OP you have received some very good advice on this thread.

Why post on this forum looking for advice at all when you are not willing to listen? all you have done is become very defensive and argumentative. You come across as being very bitter tbh.

You need counselling and contraception. You need to get your relationship in order before you even entertain more children. Your dh sounds like he IS drinking to cope because you are BOTH in a shitty marriage with conflicting ideas about the way forward. Have you actually asked him about his feelings in all this because neither of you are happy by the sounds of it. And bringing more children into a situation where your dh drinks too much, shouts at his ds and may or may not be interested in another woman is batshit crazy. I know that is harsh op but deep down you must know this.

You are going to have to compromise in some way because you can't keep on like this. The horses will probably have to go if you split. Saying you have had horses since you were 3 is all very well (I grew up in a 6 bed home - doesn't mean I can live in one now. I simply can't afford to) but you may need to if you split.

Your number one priority sounds like more children and you can do this on your own if you split with your dh. I know it jsnt ideal if it usnt what you envisiged but from reading your posts it seems to me that this is more important to you than a relatiobship and you on your own, albeit without your horses but more children might mean a happier you

Sorry, just seen that you have asked him. I don't think you should be together op. It sounds untenable. I am sorry. Your age doesn't help as I know you probably feel time is running out for babies but it sounds thoroughly miserable at present

OP Al-Anon is for you, not your husband. It is an organisation that helps families of alcoholics.

You are not willing to change anything in your life (horses, desire for more children) and neither is your husband. So you are both unhappy.

It seems you really aren't ready to listen to advice from others on Mumsnet, maybe you have a someone IRL who you can trust to be honest and objective?

Yes, I'm not sure why it is so awful to want the children with my husband that we had planned together

For all the reasons you've listed.
He's a crap dad. He is possibly unfaithful. He is an alcoholic. He doesn't want another one

Why would you WANT to do that to another child? Seriously. Stop making this all about YOU and start thinking of what you are exposing your child to.

I suggest you stop the whole new baby idea for six months and focus on your marriage. If you and your husband can turn it around in that time, then revisit having a new baby. If things are still the same, then you end it. This is a horrible situation to bring a new person into. You shouldn't want your son to be growing up in this, never mind another child.

I know that having a baby right at this moment is not the best thing to do. But if I hadn't had a miscarriage there would be a baby on the way pretty soon, which he was happy about, and said he would still have been happy about. It's the sudden and inexplicable U turn that he won't talk and be honest about that has quite hurt me and is pretty confusing, because he won't tell me anything. He has drunk like this for years and years, and this has not escalated since our recent loss, he changed to red wine a long time ago to try and get rid of his beer belly. He never gets drunk but drinks every night, which I can't stand. I didn't realise I could contact alanon for me so I definitely will do that, I find it more and more repulsive.
I'm at work so trying to answer as much as I can. I asked him to leave because of his horrible behaviour towards me and our son, getting quite bored with all the 'sperm donor' comments, we have been together happily until now for 14 years. His behaviour changed not mine, I'm sad and angry and confused and frustrated because of him, not the other way around, he is carrying on as normal, with extra shittyness, I'm trying to hold down a job and be 2 parents most of the time, I'm sure a lot of people know that's hard, I'm so tired.
Compromising - I feel I've always been the one to compromise on bloody everything. I was made to feel going to uni wa a waste of time so left, had to move miles from family and friends, had to stop competing the horses so much and downsize, had to leave various other pets behind when I moved in as he wouldn't have them, wait to try for children until he decided, everything about our wedding had to be his way down to who I could and couldn't invite, don't even get me started on what he was like when it came to naming our son. I feel I compromise on everything everyday. I have even recently had to write to request a change in start time at my work as he was making me late everyfucking morning and I was about to get in serious trouble for it. He goes out to work, comes back and take our son to nursery as I left for work. Everything done for him. But still wouldn't get back when needed, he just can't do it for me. So unfortunately I'm now 'over it' when it comes to compromising. I started at the open uni last year to finish my degree, getting peace to study was a nightmare as I kept having to stop and take over bath time/bed time so I've ended up deferring as I wasn't getting the marks I know I can get. I don't think I've been (too) defensive, only answering and responding to accusations that I know to be untrue. Believe me ive read every post and taking things on board. I've never been in this situation before and never thought I would be so I'm trying to get on with things the best I can.

Don't get me wrong, I love where we live etc but he doesn't seem to realise I actually gave up a lot for him and nothing has ever changed for him apart from building his own house on the farm.

I really think you need to do whatever it takes to Seperare, at least temporarily.
Your DS must have quite an unhappy life, although I'm sure you do everything to make him safe and happy.
Give each other space to consider what you each want for the future, what your priorities are and what are your non-negotiables.
Your posts give the impression that you are fixated on another baby. That may not be how you really feel, but that is what you are communicating. Maybe he's getting that message from you too?
And sorry, but your comments about only children are quite horrible - my DD doesn't 'deserve' to be an only, but she has the best life I can give her. Sadly another baby isn't an option for me.

My son is the happiest little boy you will see, not a care in the world, no worrying behaviours. Comments about me personally not wanting to have an only child and wanting my son to have brothers and sisters to play with and grow up with are not nasty. I really don't see how me feeling that way is nasty to anyone. As they say - only on mumsnet. No offence is intended to those who are only children or only have one child. Bloody hell is that not obvious. Not fixated on having another baby, fixated on my husbands dramatic U turn to not wanting another baby.

OP, my apologies. Your comment about onlies in your original post stung a bit with me, but I realise you didn't intend that.

None of us can tell you why he's apparently changed his mind. A few MNers have offered suggestions, each of which you've dismissed. So your only option is to get the truth from him.
I previously suggested you get some space to decide your future priorities. I think you then need to talk to him (when you are alone and he is sober) and tell him how things are for you, what you need to change, what you will compromise on and what are your deal breakers.
I think you both need to acknowledge that your marriage may have to end if you cannot agree.

No apologies needed, I know I am not 'fluffy' with the way I write things and things in text can get taken the wrong way. I've definitely not been dismissing things, I know he has an alcohol problem, have done for years, have tried for years to make him see it. I even, rightly or wrongly, started to 'shame' him by writing on the calendar in the kitchen what he was drinking to let him see. Didn't really work. I know he's not the most open regarding talking about things, believe me I've tried over and over, he is denying an affair but his behaviour has led me to believe that's what's going on and has taken the hump with me for daring to think it. But hasn't gone out of his way to prove otherwise if that makes sense? I really want to go to couples counselling with him, I'll try and broach the subject again tonight if he's not back too late. Or should I just make an appointment and say 'see you there?' 'If you want to save our marriage you'll be there' sort of thing?

The way I feel towards him right now I'd be very happy to separate to see how things go, that's why I asked him to go to his dad's, but as said previously it's not very practical for me to go anywhere r.e work/nursery/animals etc, I have had offers from a couple of friends but although I work part time it's still mon - fri. Says she after being at work today, I'm so lucky my new job is kind of flexible, sick child on Monday so I stayed off as husband claimed he was going to be too busy to look after him, then turned out I didn't need to stay off after all, so making my time up today as have already had a warning for absence. That's another thing that irritates the hell out of me - he has no concept of what it's like to work for someone else and that there are consequences for lateness and absence, no idea, drives me up the wall.

I do have immense sympathy for you OP. Your husband is showing no regard for you at all.

I'd recommend reading some of the Al Anon stuff online. You can never, ever, stop an alcoholic drinking, they have to do it themselves.

please tell me the good reasons my husband has to not sleep with me? It's actually why I posted.

Because he doesn't want to.

That's the only reason anyone needs.

Your posts seem to imply that you consider yourself somehow "entitled" to a sexual relationship with your husband. You're not - either to conceive or otherwise.

You have also displayed an astounding lack of empathy - you cannot decide unilaterally that your husbands drinking has nothing to do with "blotting things out". He has been a heavy drinker for years; what led to that? How did that come about? Just his own explanation - as relaxation from a stressful working environment - indicates that he is using it as a way of dealing with stress.
How on earth can you be so sure that he has strong and stable mental health, despite your losses over the years - when he won't talk to you?

My son is the happiest little boy you will see, not a care in the world,

Except for the fact that his father shouts at him, drinks himself into a stupor and you could cut the atmosphere with a knife.

What answer do you want? Your not listening to the ones your getting. You cannot make your husband suddenly stop drinking and want another child.

Ladders - your post about being "over it" when it comes to compromising really resonated with me. It sounds like you are doing all the legwork, the talking, thinking, trying to improve things, making effort and sacrifices, and he is doing sweet fuck all. Then you come on here and he gets the sympathy!!
My advice would be, stop compromising. Decide what it is you want (but that can't include things you want him to do) and then go and make them happen. If that is giving your child a sibling, leave your husband (who has effectively left your marriage already) and find a way to make it happen.
I really feel for you. It must feel grossly unfair that he has done an about turn on things you have discussed and agreed on but a change of mind is everyone's right.

Your husband does not need a reason to not want to have sex with you.

He doesn't want too. End of story. There are so many stories on here of women feeling pressured into sex and all commenters say "you don't have to if you don't want to, full stop."
Just because you are a woman, does not mean that changes. Just because you want another child does not mean you are entitled to sex.

And I don't think you seem to realise that he probably doesn't want another child you almost died
He quite possibly sees your last loss as a sign that it's just not meant to happen and he doesn't want to risk leaving his little boy motherless.

And I get that you love your horses, I have always had them too, but unfortunately in life we sometimes have to do things we don't like. Look into putting them out on loan while you get yourself sorted, but you cannot just dig in your heels and refuse to budge because you don't want too. Yes, you've had to make a lot of compromises over the years, but now it's not just about you. There is a small innocent, defenceless child stuck in the middle.

How are you OP? Did you get chance to talk to your h again?

So sorry for your losses, it must have been so difficult

I don't want to upset you but in all honesty my hunch is that he's not sleeping with you and has changed his mind about another baby because he is having major doubts about whether he wants to be with you and doesn't love you 'in that way' anymore. This may well be linked to the women/woman at work he's so friendly with.

If I were you, I would end this marriage sooner rather than later. You are only 34, that's plenty of time to meet someone else and have more kids if you want them.

You're husband is being cowardly imo. He's acting like a cunt to you because he doesn't want to tell you it's over and look like the bad guy. Maybe I'm wrong but the way he's treating you is shocking. You don't have to put up with it. I hear what you're saying about the dogs/horses and it's a shame but sometimes life does this, circumstances change and we have to adapt our lives accordingly. I think in the long run you'll be happier out of this marriage x