Please help I don't know what to do

[Laddersinmybloodytights]

I apologise in advance if this is a long one ...

I don't know where to start really, been with my husband for 14 years, have 1 son who is 2 and a half. I don't think I want to be with my husband anymore.
I had another miscarriage in January this year and since then things have been awful. We've supposedly been "trying" for another since then but have only slept together at the very most about 4 or 5 times per month, probably even less. Actually went 9 weeks with no action recently. Constantly stays up late watching the fucking tv so of course when he comes to bed surprise! I'm asleep. Then he moans because he's tired and has to get up at 6am, (so do I) but will not come to bed with me at about 10pm. Drinks every night. And I mean a bottle of red wine and then 2 or 3 cans of beer/cider but will not be told that this is far far too much and pretty unhealthy, I find it repulsive that he drinks this every night.
Anyway, avoiding me everynight, the red wine makes him incapable of sex anyway, always on his phone, has changed the code for it 3 times since the beginning of the year, I only want on it to see his photo's of our son but he won't let me. Just all the nonsense with his phone, avoiding sex with me, secretive with his phone, always on it, never wanting to do anything with us at all, always talking about the same woman he sees everyday at work, speaks to her more than me so it seems, I think he's always messaging her aswell for the fitbit shite app they all have, so he made me think he was sleeping with someone else. I'm sorry if this is rambling there is just so much.

Was so sick of doing ovulation tests and letting him know the time was right, sitting waiting in bed for him like a complete fool, doing pregnancy tests and always negative, getting more and more angry every month that passes because I know if I went to the doctor about not getting pregnant(I've been off the pill for 1 year now) and said how little we had sex I'd get sent away and told to do it more (I have said this to him a few times with no response) I began to feel it was me, not attractive enough anymore, too fat,(I know I'm not really) etc etc but bloody didn't let him know that though.

Anyway things came to a head a few weeks ago, ended up putting it all on the table, all on him, asked if he was stressed, money worries, unhappy, work problems family problems etc all answered with no, it's fine, and no actual answers to what he felt was wrong between us, nothing wrong apparently, doesn't know why he's so fucking grumpy and miserable towards us all the time, shouting at our son for the tiniest thing, everything I say or do is wrong, stupid, not good enough, sleeps in the spare room most nights as he "doesn't want to wake me up".
One night we ended up talking/arguing til about 2am, he finally admitted that he has been actively avoiding having sex with me so I don't get pregnant, doesn't think he wants anymore children, money is a factor (which it absolutely is not, but he wont bother trying to expand the business to make more money and use my skills/knowledge to do so), thinks he's too old now.(45) Had a bit of an "Is this our marriage over?" moment. Why tell me that shit now? I have been with this man since I was 21, and I've always been very honest about wanting 4 children and not wanting to be an older mum. Not once has he said "I only want 1 or 2 children", NEVER EVER. I said that if he had been honest about only wanting 1 or 2 kids years ago then I would have dumped him and not married him. So he's just strung me along hasn't he? Because he knew that didn't he? I feel like he's cheated me out of the best years of my life, I only have 1 ovary and fallopian tube left after ectopic pregnancy surgery and am 35 soon, what the fuck is he playing at? He's been so dishonest about this that he led me to believe he was having an affair!!(which he still denies) Who does that?! I'm so sad all the time, I'm so angry all the time, with every period I get I feel so much hatred towards him. I keep looking at my son and feel miserable that he's not got any siblings. He doesn't deserve to be an only child, a very close friend is an only child and about growing up alone she said it was so fucking lonely. I'm one of 5 and husband is one of 4 children, how could he want our son to grow up alone when he never? I don't understand that.
I said to him if he doesn't want anymore children I want him to leave, but the response is "I'm not going anywhere" or "It's my house". He wont entertain going to marriage counselling. Won't move in with his dad to give us a break. Claims he still wants to be together and does want another child after all (but still stays up late drinking and not having sex with me, doesn't even touch me and don't ask me when he last kissed me) There's a few other things that he's done but this is getting very long and rambling. I just don't know what to do. I have nowhere to go and not very much money and 2 dogs and 2 horses I would have to move (and pay someone else to house), he can go to his dads huge empty house which is just over the hill, have asked him to go, told him to go, but he wont. I think I'm starting to hate him. he's carrying on in his usual manner like fuck all is wrong and it's pissing me off. I feel like he's going to string me along, like he has with everything else, having sex occasionally but not enough to get pregnant, then before you know it I'll be 40 and still not had another baby, and probably unable to. I can see it now and I don't want to let that happen. I don't know what to do. Someone please help me, I'm scared of what a divorce means and what would happen to me, I have nothing and nowhere else to go and he wont leave. I'm so sad, I've only ever wanted a big family of my own and he's purposefully denied me that and lied to me about it for years probably. I'm not living the rest of my life so miserably, I can't, but I don't know what to do.

I can't believe the responses you've had on here OP.

I wish I had more advice but I really feel for you. I would have a talk to a solicitor just to see what your options are, financially. There is a way out of this situation, it's awful feeling trapped but there is a way out. That may not be divorce - or it may be - depends on what you decide. But knowing what your options are will be helpful to you.

This isn't the Victorian era, people don't get stuck in unhappy marriages for life. Good luck xx

Op if you can I would try and talk to him about how you are feeling. for you, you are dealing with a lot.

Argh typed a reply and it didn't post.

He actively avoids sex, despite you repeatedly telling him you're ovulating and trying to conceive and you honestly don't think you're hassling him for sex?!
If this was the other way around, you would be told to leave him because he has no right to hassle you for sex. It works both ways.

You yourself have just said that it was life saving surgery and you don't think that that may have affected him in some way? I certainly wouldn't blame him for thinking "I have one healthy child, and a healthy wife, I'd rather not risk her life again "
I'm also not surprised it's taken this long for the truth to come out. You sound rather fixated on having more babies.

His drinking is an issue, but you have your own that you need help for. You certainly shouldn't be trying to bring another child into this car crash.

I wouldn't be able to force a house sale (I don't think) this house is relatively new and has a section on it, tied to his family's business so only someone working in the business can live in it and it can't be sold out with the business for another 5 or 6 years. Something like that anyway, so I've been told.
Yes I've had some bizarre responses. I'm basically wrong for wanting sex with my husband and another child and somehow my surgery where I lost an ovary and a Fallopian tube and had a shitty recovery with 6 months off work is ok - but more importantly - how did it affect my husband?!

He's not under any pressure, he's not drinking to blot anything out, I don't know why he feels the need for it every night, I don't think he does either. I really don't want to be stuck like this for the rest of our lives, I will end up hating him very much and wasting my life, making an unhappy life for my son.

I know how our love life works and it certainly isn't from hassling anyone. What's wrong with letting your husband know on a couple of occasions that you might be ovulating and it might be the right time to try? In a nice way of course. We had discussed and both agreed to try for another baby after all.

No one said your surgery wasn't shitty for you.

But you have become fixated on having another child, and don't seem to have stopped and considered that he is actively avoiding having sex with you, and what the reason behind that is. It honestly sounds like you see him as little more than a sperm donor.

I'm basically wrong for wanting sex with my husband.

Any man who wrote that about his wife would be hounded to the ends of the earth if he made a comment like that. Why the fuck is it acceptable for you to hassle him for sex when he blatantly doesn't want to just because you want a baby, but if a man does it to his wife he's an "abusive rapey bastard" and the wife should leave?

The double standards on this website are astounding

Yep sorry I feel sorry for your partner tbh

Also I'm an only child and for gods sake it wasn't the end of the world! In fact I quite liked it!

Trying to work out why he is avoiding sex after agreeing to try for another baby is ALL I've been thinking about and trying to talk to him about for nearly 8 MONTHS. Did you read my op? Did you read that I think he's been having an affair? That I think with one of the women that keeps her horses here and he's sees her everyday when he's working? That he's constantly messaging someone on his phone but won't tell me who or what for? Claims its for Fitbit challenges and from the rare glimpse I've had at his phone screen it's all women he has in his group? No, you're determined that I'm somehow harassing my husband for sex and only want babies and more babies and it's my fault it's not happening because I'm harassing my husband. NOT the case thank you very much.

I think you both need some time apart to think things through....there is nothing to stop you leaving ,rent somewhere? Parents? In laws? A friend? Just to give him a little taste of life without you and his son....hopefully he may hate it and beg you to come home,saying he will change....that's possible.......but I think unlikely.sounds more like he can't be arsed and one child is enough....in which case leave and find a sperm donator

It's hard though when you put yrself out ,lay it all bare and people comment ,assume,judge,miss the point....I've often posted and then thought,why the fuck did I bother,when so many people seem determined to stir it up , and make matters worse ,not better,where is the sisterhood and support for each other??

Jesus. Im not the only one who's not reading. I have not, at any point said I think it's your fault.

However, I have experienced what happens when women decide that they must get pregnant and start doing ovulation tests. It can make bridezillas look like a piece of cake. I'm not saying that all turn into that, but it can happen, and most of your original post does focus on the baby issue.

Maybe he is having an affair, but as I said in my previous postsyou need to stop trying to get pregnant, get back on the pill and reassess, because you should not be attempting to bring a baby into this car crash of a relationship.

Yes I do feel like he has not realised at all what having children would be like for him/us and it is more work/hassle than he thought. Whereas I have 12 nieces and nephews and have been an aunt from a youngish age so I knew exactly how things would change. The way he speaks to our son is just awful sometimes, just shouts all the time when he's having a tantrum or being a bit naughty, no patience.

I can't leave, I have no parents and have 2 dogs and 2 horses to look after and that I would have to pay livery for, which I wouldn't be able to afford on top of everything else as I now only work part time after having my son. Selling them is not an option. That's why I suggested he go to stay with his dad(who lives alone) for a while to give us a bit of space but he won't entertain it. The friends I could stay with just live so far away it would be a nightmare for work/nursery/animals etc. I suppose I could go stay with his dad! Bit awkward maybe!

He sounds like a dreadful dad, why would you want more children with him? Seriously you'd be better off cutting your losses and trying to start over, even at nearly 35.

If he is having an affair then him being distant makes sense. If you really think that start digging and find evidence

So, he's a crap dad and possibly having an affair? You think being an only child is more harmful to your son than the environment he's in?
You are desperate to have another child with him, whether he wants to or not?

Yeah, makes perfect sense

Lots of people want lots of children when they're younger, only to realise with experience that it isn't practical or maybe even desirable once they grow up a bit. So he might well not have been 'stringing you along' but simply have changed his mind, especially if he is the main provider at the moment.
He sounds under stress.
He also sounds like he isn't dealing with it well, and nor are you. It's also clear from the phone-relatex behaviour that there are things on that phone he wants to keep secret from you .

There are so much problems in your marriage you would be crazy to even think about bringing another child into it.

For me the drinking is the most serious. Someone suggested Al Anon which I would also recommend.

If you want some space and he won't leave could you separate but still be under the same roof?

There's no point in trying to make him leave. If you want to end the marriage go and see a lawyer to find out what you would be entitled to.

Sadly you may have to give up your horses if you do divorce and you can't afford to keep them. But you have to decide what's most important.

Oh, and you want to have another child with a man who shouts at a 2.5 yo for no real reason? Just don't.

I do feel for you as you've had quite a lot of stick on here and at the end of the day you're living with a man who has changed his mind about important things you planned together (ie children), doesn't want sex with you any more, stays up late drinking loads alone every night and is chatting with other women.
In your shoes I'd be making changes. You can do something. You could sell your animals for a start to free yourself and help financially. You could speak to a lawyer to find out the truth about your current house and your standing with it. I would be making moves to end it all because he clearly won't work on your marriage and won't do things differently.

OP, your attitude to only children is quite horrible and hurtful to people who have no option. Does my son "deserve to be an only child" then? I wasn't aware it was some awful punishment. I too would have loved more babies but we are not all that lucky and I'm thankful to have one. I feel sorry for your husband, sounds like he has good reasons not to sleep with you.

OP, your attitude to only children is quite horrible and hurtful to people who have no option. Does my son "deserve to be an only child" then? I wasn't aware it was some awful punishment. I too would have loved more babies but we are not all that lucky and I'm thankful to have one. I feel sorry for your husband, sounds like he has good reasons not to sleep with you.

Sorry, Internet is messing about and accidentally posted twice

He's not the main provider, we earn about the same, and definitely not under any stress. His life has not changed apart from I feel like I've turned into a nag asking to help do stuff around the house etc. I buy everything for myself, my son and my horses, he doesn't pay for anything like that, doesn't need to even pay for nursery as my tax credits or whatever I get covers that. Ive ended up buying most of the food shopping for us all recently, I dont ever ask him for money, the business pays for the cars but if I moved out and had to pay rent, and everything else and livery etc I think it would be a struggle. As I said I'm not selling my horses, I've had horses since I was 3 and not giving them up because of him and his behaviour, anyway that's not the issue or why I posted.
Yes, the shouting and drinking I can't bear, and pull him up on it, his family pulls him up on it but he carries on pouring regardless, he thinks because he is active all day he "deserves" it. That mindset is just nonsense to me. He will laugh in my face if I suggested AlAnon!
I've not said anywhere that being an only child is or will be harmful to my son. I've said I don't want that for him as I think it would be lonely, I have been told it is lonely, it's only how I feel.
The shouting, it's like he has just got no patience at all. He would mock his brother for being the same with his kids and now he does it himself! Family trait? I hope not. Grandad is a bit shouty aswell come to think of it. Gets on my nerves.
I wouldn't know where to start digging to find out for sure if he's having an affair, I can't get on his phone, he doesn't use the PC in the house, iPad from what I can see there's nothing, all his behaviour is pointing to that, but then I think "when would he actually have the time?" But you make time if that's what you're after I suppose. Unless he's using the business computer which I don't have access to at all. I just don't know. I want to ask one of his brothers but I'm not sure that's the best idea. Which is why I posted, there's just been such a dramatic change in his behaviour and what he's decided he does and doesn't want and he won't talk to me about it and tell me why. I can't live like this. I grew up with constant arguing and shouting and I don't want that for my son, I just want us all to be happy again but if he won't talk and be honest I don't know what else I can do?

So, please tell me the good reasons my husband has to not sleep with me? It's actually why I posted.