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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

my wife has threatened to kill me.

54 replies

user1467297746 · 01/09/2016 14:48

several times.. not in the row sense. " could fucking kill you" or what ever

but she has told me several times that she has looked at the knife drawer and thought about sneaking into my room whilst I am sleeping in the middle of the night.

she is telling me she hates me. she cant stand me.

keeps saying she wants to leave me and the girls - pretty much every month since they were born..

AIBU to think that this beyond therapy?

she was severely post natal depressed. - I didnt realise that depressed people would throw glass at you.. she has unclipped my seatbelt whilst driving on a few occasions.. threw books at the 3 month olds..

She is constantly angry at me..

I dont want a divorce becos I dont want my 3 year old twins to have my childhood.

But Looking at the above what hope is there?

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 01/09/2016 17:42

You need to see her GP and tell them all of this. She sounds extremely unwell. Also, from what you've said here, it sounds as if she has huge mood swings? Please see her GP or even better, go together and explain exactly what is happening.

All this discussion about property is not relevant to the abuse and risk to the safety of everyone here. I say everyone because I suspect that as well as making threats to yourself she poses a real risk to herself and needs urgent help.

Seek help immediately and if she makes any further threats or acts irrationally,call 999.

Atenco · 01/09/2016 17:49

I think you need personal counselling RedMaple. You are obviously still very scarred by your childhood when you believe that any two-parent family situation is better than any one-parent family situation, to the point that you are willing to lay down your life for your children. But what would that achieve? You would be dead and your wife in prison, think about it.

Wonkydonkey44 · 01/09/2016 19:05

Leave and take your kids with you this is not going to end well what ever happens . Good luck

CiaoVerona · 01/09/2016 19:07

Yes it is well beyond therapy.

I actually despair with these type of sound bites.

What a ridiclous statement-no-one here is qualified to answer that question you need to speak with some professionals who can actually help her.

CiaoVerona · 01/09/2016 19:10

passport is not sufficient to open a bank account these days apparently

Unless, its a passport with no visa to live in the UK it actually is enough to open a bank account.

AcrossthePond55 · 01/09/2016 19:24

If you are living with your mother, then it's her house, right? You shouldn't leave. That would just leave your mother to cope with her on her own and that's not right.

Honestly, I'd see if there was a way you could move your wife elsewhere. If you have cash enough to buy 2 or 3 houses (if I'm understanding you correctly) then you surely have enough to pay the rent on a small flat for your wife whilst she gets the help she so desperately needs. Right now, she represents a danger to you and to your children.

PickAChew · 01/09/2016 19:27

The kids will have no childhood with a parent who throws things at them.

Get out. Take them with you. If she attacks you again, get the police involved.

SeaEagleFeather · 01/09/2016 20:11

Even if she's improved with the children, for them to witness this violence against you is appalling and deeply damaging.

Please, please do not let this go on.

RedMapleLeaf · 01/09/2016 21:48

I think you need personal counselling RedMaple.

Thanks for that Hmm

Atenco · 02/09/2016 00:46

I think you need personal counselling RedMaple
Duh
Sorry, I'm a bit braindead today

TikTakTok · 02/09/2016 01:54

What an awful situation. Is there a risk your wife would leave the country with the kids?

lakefaith · 02/09/2016 02:06

How she is talking to you isn't fair or right.
Clearly she isn't happy but her behaviour isn't making you feel happy or safe. Do you still love her? Do you still want to stay married to her? If so then ask yourself if you want to stay with her and do you think you can work through this? She needs therapy, you might need therapy to. This is a really sad a difficult situation you are in.

thetoothfairywhoforgot · 02/09/2016 02:50

Your wife sounds very unwell to me. Please get some help for her urgently.

PitilessYank · 02/09/2016 03:12

Pardon me for stating the obvious, but if she kills you she will go to jail and your children will have zero parents at home.

She sounds very ill. Please be wise.

I grew up with a mentally ill mother and my siblings and I wish that our father had taken us all and left her. We all paid a high price for having an "intact" family.

SeaEagleFeather · 02/09/2016 07:44

pitiless I'm sorry to hear that and hope you've managed to reach some peace. I saw the same at close quarters, severely mentally ill mother attacking and non-stop verbally abusing her husband. Later on she went for the children too in their teen years.

Both of the children went through hell, one emerged profoundly damaged and I suspect she'll only get worse. The father of the family has also paid a very heavy personal price. Social services were useless even when the violence was reported to them. Actually I'm convinced that the fact that nearly no one stood up to her allowed her to get worse and worse.

Sometimes if someone won't/can't engage in treatment, the best thing is to record the incidents of violence over some months / years and then divorce. Hopefully the record of violence will be enough for the non-violent to get custody, though solicitor's advice is best.

microferret · 02/09/2016 09:01

RedMaple, I'm sorry that you're going through this. Your wife sounds unwell and very abusive, and I think a separation would be for the best now. Perhaps if she is able to turn things around you could try again in the future, but it may be best for you to accept that things are not working now. Her threatening to kill you must be taken seriously and she may also be a danger to the children. I know that nobody wants to break up their family, but I helped a friend leave her abusive boyfriend who had the same concerns, and she is now so glad she did. Your children will not have the childhood you did with a father like you, but they may do with a mother like your wife.
Wishing you the very best Flowers

IreallyKNOWiamright · 02/09/2016 14:10

It obviously still scares you and you don't feel safe. You need to leave. You and your children deserve a better and more stable life

SeaEagleFeather · 02/09/2016 14:41

it isn't that easy for a man to gain custody of children in the UK. The OP needs professional / experienced advice

Atenco · 02/09/2016 15:02

"it isn't that easy for a man to gain custody of children in the UK"

It isn't called custody, however there is a problem for any parent who wants to keep their children safe from someone who also has parental rights, especially if there is no proof of the danger that that person represents to the children. You do need professional advice, OP.

ScarletOverkill · 02/09/2016 15:12

She threw a book at your 3 month old (while she was suffering with pnd) you are only considering doing something now three years down the line?
Is that because you were waiting to see if her mood improved?
When did you move back to the UK?
Has she moved away from her family?
Could that be contributing?

TwoLeftSocks · 02/09/2016 16:10

I would echo calling the Men's Advice Line.

mensadviceline.org.uk/
0808 801 0327

It sounds like your wife is unwell and you and your children are in a potentially very dangerous situation.

Call the number above, they helped my brother out and he and his son are now safe and happy.

This is beyond therapy.

TwoLeftSocks · 02/09/2016 16:11

And call the police if she attacks you. 999 straight away.

AnthonyPandy · 02/09/2016 16:18

I just want to say that a passport is not enough to open a bank account according to two banks I visited yesterday.

WappersReturns · 02/09/2016 17:38

You need to leave and take your children. You can still love her and leave.
You can still nurture a loving relationship between her and your children and leave.
You can still help her and leave.
You're not abandoning her by taking yourself and your children out of harms way while she gets the help that she needs.

If she did anything to hurt you or one of your DC your family would never be together again.

My BIL is in a very similar situation and refuses to leave. His wife is very ill and I understand that well having severe MH issues myself, but some of the things she has said and done make my blood run cold. I love the woman I really do, but her DC need stability and safety while she recovers.

I have no idea and can't judge whether your wife is ill or just an abusive person but in terms of your immediate safety and that of your children you cannot make a distinction between the two until you are safe.

user1472504427 · 02/09/2016 21:32

@ ciaoveronica

No need to try discredit op.

If the bank can verify you electronically, you may or may not need to produce ID and in such cases passport / drivers license will suffice.

But in op's case (lived abroad) and now squating, which suggests no electronic trace he definitely does need more than a passport.

He will need (most cases) 2 proofs of identity - passport, BC or DL. And two proofs of address, utility, statement, HMRC letter etc Or 1 identity and 3 x proofs. These things take months to get if you've just relocated after living years abroad.

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