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Original poster

Using the phrase 'I want you to....'

29 replies

lullabyfornow · 01/02/2007 13:14

Dh habitually uses the phrase 'I want you to..' or ' what i want you to do is...' when 'asking' me to do things. This commanding tone really annoys me and when I ask him to say 'please' he gets very upset and can start swearing. I resent this, particularly when he should be setting a good example to dd, now 8 months old. Maybe it's a cultural thing, do you always say 'can you do this, please?' with dp or is it acceptable in your relationship to say 'do this', am I being too middle class?

OP posts:

Imafairy · 01/02/2007 13:17

If DH ever tried telling me (or 'asking' by saying "I want you to do this") to do something he would be met by a very swift rebuttal!
We always say please and thank you, but I think that's to do with how we were brought up, and mutual respect, more than anything else

Tommy · 01/02/2007 13:17

I would find that very rude actually..

I tend to say - "Could you..."

I tell the DSs off enough saying "I want" so I wouldn't accept it from DH!

Callisto · 01/02/2007 13:21

DP and I always say 'could you...please'/'would you..please' followed by a thanks.

Personally, unless someone asks me politely to do something I don't do it. Ignoring him until he says please might work.

Iklboo · 01/02/2007 13:23

If DH said "I want you to go to the bank" for example he'd get "I want doesn't get" in reply. Or "I want a husband witha ten-inch willy but we can't all be happy"

maycontainstress · 01/02/2007 13:32

LOL Iklboo. I would laugh at my dp if he started talking to me like that.

Starting every sentence with 'Darling' is pretty nice, and then a 'can you ...?'.

Sometimes I've caught me saying to him 'now, listen' when I'm in a hurry and he is droning on about some crap on tv.

Lullabyfornow, tell hime you're doing jack until he speaks to you with respect. I'm sorry you are being treated like that.

Mumpbump · 01/02/2007 13:32

I usually say "Would you mind". Even though he can be slightly bossy, I don't think my dh ever says "I want you to" and I think I would object if he did...

TeeCee · 01/02/2007 13:36

That would really annoy me actually.

I picked up a copy of that Men are from MArs Women from Venus book once and it said soething about not asking a man 'could they take out the rubbish' as it was like saying 'are you able to to, is it something you're capable of doing'. LOL! Apparently one should say 'would you oput the rubbish out' as this is a direct and polite way of asking for something to be done.

I say to D. 'would you change DD2's nappy for me please; and he has pointed out that my saying 'for me' at the end is a bit annoying, he's changing it for DD2. I sort of see his point tbh so have tried to stop saying 'for me'.

wartywarthog · 01/02/2007 13:36

not asseptabull.

my dh wouldn't DARE say that to me. i would respond with a counter 'i want' that is suitably below the belt.

meowmix · 01/02/2007 13:37

if it upsets you tell him. if he carries on tell him again. the use toddler technique. If he doesn't ask properly you assume temporary deafness.

MrsBadger · 01/02/2007 13:41

I'd find it rude as well.

We're polite - could you, would you mind, do you think you'll have the time to... etc

I'd either assume deafness, take the piss and do a sarky 'Sir yes sir immediately sir!' or, as Iklboo suggests say 'I want a large house in the country and a pony. What a shame, eh?'

WanderingTrolley · 01/02/2007 13:41

To be pedantic, "I want you to do x" isn't asking you, it's a wish! Even "I want you to do x, please" isn't a question, it's just a statement.

Respond likewise.

"If you want me to do x, you will have to ask me to do it."

Agree re:using toddler-type technique.

Good luck!

Original poster

lullabyfornow · 01/02/2007 13:42

Thanks for your messages, the ironic thing is I noemally consider myself quite a strong person, and , as a teacher, wouldn't accept that from my students. Dh seems to have got worse since dd was born, it's been a fairly stressful year, he lost his job, but has now found a new one, and I think he feels that as a stay-at-home mother I'm not achieving what I should be. He has berated me for not having set up a business from home in the first 6 weeks of dd's life, and she was born a month early!

OP posts:

DetentionGrrrl · 01/02/2007 13:44

i'm the opposite- i'm too apologetic and not forward enough. It's all ''if you don't mind, if you're not busy, could you please do 'X' for me, if that's ok?''

and if i spoke to DP the way the OP shows, DP would tell me to get stuffed!

Original poster

lullabyfornow · 01/02/2007 13:50

I have actually used all of the techniques suggested, including sense of humour, I don't accept what he says, so by using this language he is always causing an argument.

OP posts:

wartywarthog · 01/02/2007 13:52

wtf!!! is this guy for real??????

keeplaughing · 01/02/2007 13:57

I nearly choked when i read your last post - is he for real??? I think you should get him to stay at home for a week with a small baby ands see if he could get dressed, let alone set up a business, and as for 'I want you to...' agree with all above comments - not accepatable.

maycontainstress · 01/02/2007 14:04

If he started swearing at me, I'd give him something to get upset about. My knee.

What sort of person would think this is ok?

fizzbuzz · 01/02/2007 14:09

What exactly is a "stay at home mother" meant to achieve? Sometimes just getting dressed is an achievement! You are at home with dc, that is what you are doing. Why do you have to achieve anything?

As for "I want you to". If dp said that to me, I would lol, and say something along the lines of "up your arse matey", and deliberately refuse, even if he then tried to ask nicely.

Dp says:

"Would you mind"
"Sorry to have to ask"
" Do you think you could " etc etc

"I want you to"......pah! No way

Original poster

lullabyfornow · 01/02/2007 14:11

I think he likes to imagine he's Alan Sugar.....he works in Sales....

OP posts:

fizzbuzz · 01/02/2007 14:18

But you are not at work! He needs to learn about language codes.

E.g one way of talking for work, and one way of talking for home.

I am a teacher, but do not go round saying to dp "and today we are going to do this, this and this" He would kill me!

HappyDaddy · 01/02/2007 14:52

Are you his wife or his employee? He's a twat, clearly he has no authority at work so tries to impose it at home.

Kick him in the knackers and say "I want you to be Johnny Depp but I'm stuck with this".

HappyDaddy · 01/02/2007 14:53

Or the next time he uses his "I want" prefix, just say "I want you to leave". Prat.

fizzbuzz · 01/02/2007 14:57

Happydaddy, LOL Johnny Depp...I wish!

madamez · 01/02/2007 14:58

Ask him how he expects the kids to learn manners if he consistently refuses to be polite. Actually, ask him how many of his work collegues have to keep reminding him that "please" and "thank you" are very necessary words.

Soapbox · 01/02/2007 14:58

Happydaddy - too polite

I prefer the 'I want you to f*ck off right now' approach

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