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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH doesn't want sex, don't know what to do...

44 replies

keeplaughing · 01/02/2007 12:37

Sex life has not been great for quite a while but 8 months ago DH told me i didn't arouse him sexually any more. At all, and he didn't see that anything would work to make it better, seems like he can't be bothered to work it out and has said maybe he should leave me (& 2 kids) We did try some DIY sex therapy (touching etc) but he didn't want to carry on and eventually said that it hadn't done anything for him. Now says he would like us to stay together but doesn't feel positive this will work. I think he's decided he doesn't fancy me any more and that nothing will ever come back, but I think the practical aspects of him leaving are what is stopping him, more than wanting us to stay together. I feel soooo resentful, he always used to make excuses not to have sex before it ever got so bad and I tried to say to him it was going to get worse (and it did) This goes on , bear with me.. I think a load of other problems have made all this happen, he had a crap job he hated but didn't change until I found out he had got £24k in debt on credit cards ( I had to agree to put it on our mortgage, no other option) at this point he said he didn't love me any more and had thought about leaving and starting over again..he then carried on ignoring the sex issue, in fact he ignores everything until it's in a crisis situation. And over time I have been drinking more and more (every night) to cope with it all - so more rows becase of this. Have always worked full time, but got made redundant last year - now struggling to find another job which we need me to have..don't know what to do next. Strangely perhaps, I do love him and don't want to split up. Help??

OP posts:
Nip · 01/02/2007 12:45

I dont have any advice, but bumping this because i'm sure someone will be along soon.

{{{hugs}}}

LadyOfTheFlowers · 01/02/2007 12:50

i know it wont help, but my fight or flight response would be telling me to leave him. i couldnt stick it if dh told me that.
i would have nowhere to go/ no money etc mind you (sahm) but i wouldnt be able to bear to be near him.

{{hugs}}

tirnanog · 01/02/2007 12:52

could he be a bit depressed at the moment?

Imafairy · 01/02/2007 12:53

I was thinking that too tirnanog.

NotQuiteCockney · 01/02/2007 12:54

He does sound depressed. You sound depressed, too. Is couples counselling, individual counselling, or ADs an option?

spudmasher · 01/02/2007 12:57

His self esteem must be rock bottom now. I would think that is at the bottom of the sex issue. He probably feels awful about the debt and feels that he has failed in his role as a provider for the family.This means so much to men in my experience. I don't think you want to leave him. I think you love him and I think you are the best person to get him through his feelings of helplessness. You have been through a lot. Don't forget to look after yourself in all of this.

tirnanog · 01/02/2007 12:58

agree with NQC counselling would give you both a real chance to talk openly-without any judgements being made.

tirnanog · 01/02/2007 13:01

also marriages go through bad[sometimes very bad times] but if you can work through the problems it will be a better and stronger relationship.

Hope that doesn't sound patronising

Original poster
keeplaughing · 01/02/2007 13:47

Phew, thank God there's someone out there, (first time doing this), it felt better just to write some of it down but to get a response makes me . I think we do need to speak to someone, I definitely do, but I'm scared as this seems like a last resort and might be the end. Thanks for emphasising how it might have been (still be?) for him too. I was really angry and upset about the lies and deceit it took to cover up the debts,but had a sensible head moment and knew we had to sort it out. Other people told me to kick him out right then..But now it's a major trust problem, I even started going through his things looking for anything else he might have lied about. He did feel really bad and cried when it all came out (3rd time in 10 years)about how he'd completely fucked everything up and I s'pose I've never let him forget it if I'm honest. He's really crap at dealing with problems and I was angry I had to be the one to sort it out... Thanks so much for your support in replying to my rantings, it helps so much, I feel really relieved to just to get it out

OP posts:
tirnanog · 01/02/2007 14:05

good luck

spudmasher · 01/02/2007 14:50

Awww. That's what mumsnet is all about.

HappyDaddy · 01/02/2007 14:54

Nice of him to decide he wants to leave, AFTER he put his debt on your mortgage.

roseylea · 01/02/2007 14:59

It all sounds very stressful. My dh went through a peroid of depression and went on to ADs and his sex drive just totally disappeared. We knew that we had to live without it for a whlie in order for dh to get himself sorted out so that we could carry on together (this was a couple of years ago, and he's fine now).

I don't really know what to say other than that really - and I do know what you mean.

Original poster
keeplaughing · 01/02/2007 17:07

I've just been looking at past threads and so glad I'm not the only one with this problem - but has anyone ever got a sex life back after this time??

OP posts:
DimpledThighs · 01/02/2007 18:23

I agree that he sounds depressed and it effects your drives (appetite, sex, sleep etc.) and so everything goes of kilter. It sounds like he needs to go to his GP and he might need individual counselling to get him back on track before you can start working on things.

He may need some persauding but things will get worse if this carries on and he doesn't tackle this issue.

paulaplumpbottom · 01/02/2007 19:04

Maybe its stress. My DH has no libido if he is stressed.

roseylea · 02/02/2007 16:27

Keeplaughing, yes, we have! It took time, gentleness and patience but yes we have recoverd from that period and now have just as much sex as ever!

Original poster
keeplaughing · 05/02/2007 12:13

thanks roseylea, makes me feel better. have talked to DH, he wants to sort things out get back on track, doesn't want to leave. So wish me luck! We may go to relate...

OP posts:
Original poster
keeplaughing · 07/02/2007 14:42

ok, so much for no libido - came home yesterday and found dh had been w*ing.(don't ask how I knew) suspect he may have been on internet but all history deleted...(Incidentally any IT techies out there know how to find out what websites have been accessed when history deleted???) He actually laughed at me about it. Didn't see what the problem was.... am sick of him saying he doesn't know what to do = do nothing at all. have been to docs to start some counselling myself. He asked where I had been and i told him to see counsellor to start sorting out some stuff to deal with my / his / our issues. his response in really sarcastic tone was that he s'posed he should talk to someone then too. I've stopped trusting my own intuition now and don't know if I'm overreacting to things or not

OP posts:
cheekychick · 07/02/2007 14:58

I'm so sorry {{hugs}} I know you dont want our pity but I genuinely feel for you.

I dont think you're overeacting it's only natural to feel betrayed, angry and hurt. Particularly since he knows that this is a major issue for him and yourself.

Heck I might have chopped something off if that were me...but its not so he's safe.

cheekychick · 07/02/2007 15:02

um also I think you to look up stuff previously viewed if he hasn't deleted that is.

go to tools > internet options > click on the tab where it says temporary internet files "settings" > view files

cheekychick · 07/02/2007 15:05

sorry for my bad english...

i meant to say

"um also I think you can look up stuff previously viewed, if he hasn't deleted it"

Original poster
keeplaughing · 07/02/2007 15:09

thanks cheekychick, nice to feel like someone cares. and thanks for tip - I'll take a look.. let u know ltr

OP posts:
Dior · 07/02/2007 15:28

Message withdrawn

Swizzler · 07/02/2007 15:37

size 14 unattractive, Dior??? Sounds like that's his problem and not yours

Would agree on the link betw libido and depression, but sounds like you have other more important issues like his attitude towards you. I think you're very sensible to get help from counselling at this point, but you really need to decide what's best to do for your happiness - don't just concentrate on his problems!

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