DH doesn't want sex, don't know what to do...

[keeplaughing]

Sex life has not been great for quite a while but 8 months ago DH told me i didn't arouse him sexually any more. At all, and he didn't see that anything would work to make it better, seems like he can't be bothered to work it out and has said maybe he should leave me (& 2 kids) We did try some DIY sex therapy (touching etc) but he didn't want to carry on and eventually said that it hadn't done anything for him. Now says he would like us to stay together but doesn't feel positive this will work. I think he's decided he doesn't fancy me any more and that nothing will ever come back, but I think the practical aspects of him leaving are what is stopping him, more than wanting us to stay together. I feel soooo resentful, he always used to make excuses not to have sex before it ever got so bad and I tried to say to him it was going to get worse (and it did) This goes on , bear with me.. I think a load of other problems have made all this happen, he had a crap job he hated but didn't change until I found out he had got £24k in debt on credit cards ( I had to agree to put it on our mortgage, no other option) at this point he said he didn't love me any more and had thought about leaving and starting over again..he then carried on ignoring the sex issue, in fact he ignores everything until it's in a crisis situation. And over time I have been drinking more and more (every night) to cope with it all - so more rows becase of this. Have always worked full time, but got made redundant last year - now struggling to find another job which we need me to have..don't know what to do next. Strangely perhaps, I do love him and don't want to split up. Help??

Please don't let this kill your self-esteem: it does NOT mean you're unattractive/worthless - as others have said, it's prob because he is stressed/depressed/guilty and nothing to do with you. You've already shown yourself to be a loving and strong woman by dealing with his earlier debt problems. He needs to face up to his own problems and not shove the blame onto anyone else.

oh keeplaughing,can i be honest? he sounds like a right tw@t, i know that isnt constructive but how dreadful for you. He sounds utterly depressed abd projecting his own self misery onto you. Please dont lrt him drag you down anymore. [[hugs]]] as for Dior, i would LOVE< LOVE LOVE to be a size 14 and your OH is the one with the problem. you always cone across as a very witty woman, he should coubt his lucky stars he's got you

Message withdrawn

swizzler - my sentiments exactly, i often think this... but hang in as don't want to divorce (kids, hassle, expense etc) and methinks the sun is always up there even if behind the clouds. Told him today how stressed i am about not getting a job yet (3 weeks out of a contract) and we had to discuss what we would do if it takes ages. he said not an option not to geta job maybe I need to dumb down my CV and get lower paid job!! Need to earn certain amount as the spreadsheet he kindly did recently showed income / expenditure and what I need to earn to maintain our current living. Need I say he didn't do spreadsheet when in crap badly paid job for 5 years and running up debts

Cheekychick - more help needed. I checked the temp files and sure enough there were some there for the time he says he wasn't on the pc. didn't have time to check it out but went back 2 look 2day and all history has now been deleted...so he is definitely hiding something. does anyone know any way to restore deleted files???

dirty rotten mongrel....grrrl i'd struggle his neck ummm let me think....

have u thought about putting a blocker on so it stops him visiting seedy websites in the first place. its really annoying cos it takes them there then it wont let them in lol

lol u kno wat i mean STRANGLE...

w*nking = no pressure. i have to say i have done this (let sex with dh slide while keeping myself going) but not for long. He needs to find a more positive road, pref one that includes reaching out to you. [blimey cf, state the obvious...]

Brilliant work sorting out the counselling for yourself. Ignore sarcasm, just take it at face value - yes, he should see someone because ? you feel better already having started the ball rolling. you are amazing sticking at it.

dior unbelievable. when i had sex therapy, the most helpful bit of the whole thing was the therapist showing me a whole series of pictures of ordinary people naked. In fact they were all young (students from late 70s I think) but they all looked so ORDINARY, i felt so normal afterwards. i'd never really believed before that the constant barrage of images of one type of body only (and even then they airbrush them like crazy) can affect our perception of what is real, what is large, what is normal. prob a digression, sorry.

Im pretty sure u need software to recover or restore deleted items. I did a quick google "how to restore deleted temporary internet files" heaps of freeware available

oooh - cheekychick, how do i do that? Re counselling, bit scary but no option now, and actually do feel better for doing something as opposed to nothing. Can't believe he is lying to me again about something - and telling me I'm paranoid. By the way he has also destroyed my self esteem - I'm a 12 (and 34F) and feel really awful about my body. Which is bo*oks isn't it? also that i have had to turn into this suspicious person because he lies to me. yikes, time to get a grip girl

Look at the cookies

hmmmm will he know if i do this (ie restore the files?) wonder how long it takes? s'pose he'll know cos if i find anything dodgy i'll tell him then again maybe i should just ignore it all for now and get some counsellling first in case any nasty repurcussions from my looking

tried to look at the cookies but i think that it was empty. He's obviously read a lot on covering your tracks....sneaky !&^

tell him he'll go blind...no no dont do that

From what I googled it sounded pretty technical and time consuming. Why should u waste ur time u've caught him doing the deed.

Holy dooley ur a 12 thats tiny az...is he out of his freakin mind. I havent been that size since bf kids...try 18 for an upsize

U yummy mummy U

lol, thank god for mumsnet, it's saving my sanity at the mo. should laugh at him really I s'pose. next bit a bit gross but quite funny. found out as had noticed t shirt by pc, which then disappeared when i was out. dh not noted for tidying up so i found it in back of wardrobe. used for what you can guess. yuk. we had words (!) when i showed it to him. After which he chucked it in the laundry basket for me to wash! can you believe it (obviously i chucked it back at him..)

noice (thick kath n kim accent)

hi ya,just read your thread from start to finish,it sound to me as if your dh is using sex to gain some control back from you,i have been through the whole suspicion thing to with my partner after he decided that family life wasnt for him anymore.and left me to care for OUR two kids on my own.While he ran us into debt and started telling me i was a drama queen.He like your dh shunned his responsibilities and left me to pick up the pieces not only financially but emotionally too,and like your dh he also didnt feel like sex,it felt to me as if that was the only thing he still had control over and he enforced it whenever i gave him the chance,but i soon learned he couldnt withhold it,if i wasnt looking for it.I told him if he didnt want to be part of our life i would go out and make a life for the kids and i by myself.it lasted about another 3 week of me going out at the weekend and laughing on the phone to my friend before he got bored of his own moaning and selfpity.As we know jealousy makes us want something even more so turn the table like i did,i promise itll work i know they say two wrongs dont make a right but sometimes you need to fight fire with fire,as for the computer issue again if he wants to say your paranoid and shrugged it off instead of squashing you suspicions then put a password on you stuff let him know how it feel to be suspisious.Men arent as different to us as we might think when it comes to jealousy

KL

your story sounds very similiar to mine. No sex life, depressed DP, wan~ing). He blamed it on me for haivng put on weight (I was a size 14). I lost loads of weight (for me, not him) and sex life still didn't return. We tried counselling, Viagra or to no avail. Neither of us were happy and both wondered whether the grass was greener.

We got hideously drunk one night and decided to split up. When suddnly faced with the reality fo the situation, a few hours later, whilst cuddling and sobbing, one thign lead to another...) WE spent the next few months at it like rabbits, this continued through the inevitibale pregnancy that followed. The sex life has deteriated again (although I am pg with nnumber 2) but we are very happy together and getting married later in the year.

I think the initial problem was depression following the death of his father. he blamed the lack of libido on me as he had no problem when on his own! Not sure what the problem is now - I think tiredness, separate bedrooms and a 2 yr old child.

thanks nicblack, good advice. Actually i did go out yesterday and he did keep asking where i'd been. Hmm will put password access on my laptop so that he has to ask to use it...tee hee and will go out without him too which i don't normally. Thanks too Dophus, will remember this