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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Don't like him sleeping near me

67 replies

Mrsjacksparrow · 01/02/2007 11:42

My partner comes to stay with us on a weekend, he stays from Friday night until Sunday night.

I suffer from insomnia, I can go for 3 or 4 nights with no sleep at all and at the end of it I feel ill, headachey, sick and obviously tired. I've just got over a bout of it and judging by past experiences this should mean that I will sleep soundly for the next 4 nights at least.

The problem is when DP is here I don't get any sleep because of his snoring, he snores really loudly and it irritates the hell out of me, especially as it keeps me away when I have enough trouble sleeping as it is.

I suppose I begrudge this even more since he doesnt even live here yet he gets to sleep soundly and I get kept awake all night in my own bed.

I know it sounds like I'm just being a diva wanting the bed to myself but I really do value the sleep I get and it annoys me that he prevents me from sleeping on my "good nights", I know he can't help it but he refuses to get help for it.

I can't sleep in the kids beds and I won't sleep on the couch, what do I do? just put up with it?

OP posts:
NotQuiteCockney · 01/02/2007 16:37

Is he this selfish and arsy about everything? And if so, why are you putting up with him?

mamalocco · 01/02/2007 16:39

Tell him if he does have apnea and leaves it untreated, he could be reducing his life expectancy by 10 years.

Sorry but he sounds really unsupportive. I'm sooooo miserable if my sleep is disturbed. Can't imagine how it must be for someone with insomnia. What is the big deal with admitting he snores. Tape him, give him the proof and then an ultimatum - sort it out or sod off!

Mrsjacksparrow · 01/02/2007 16:43

well he doesn't say "no you can't" but he'll insist on coming up with me, no matter how early I go and when I know my insomnia is active I just don't bother going to bed as it's more irritating lying in bed wide awake listening to someone snoring than it is sat watching TV and pretending to yourself that you don't want to go to sleep anyway...so in these circumstances it will be around 2am and he'll be sat up with me and will then say "you ready to call it a night?" I say "no, no point in me going to bed, not yet anyway..." and he'll start getting stroppy and insisting that I go to bed.

What really annoys me is that even when we do have sex he will instantly fall asleep afterwards, its litrally a case of "right, night night.. (2 seconds later) ... snore snore", it pisses me right off as I'm then laid there either a) desperately wanting to go to sleep but being kept awake by snoring or b) wide awake listening to snoring wishing I hadnt gone to bed in the first place.

During summer last year he bought this massive fan from tesco and we had it in the living room, when we went to bed on the night he brought it upstairs and put it right next to the bed, turned it on and then lied down to sleep!! I said "err...there is no way in hell i will be able to get to sleep with that blowing cold air at me and making a racket!" and he said "well its too hot not to have it on, I can't sleep when its so hot" sometimes I really feel like shouting at him "who's bloody house is this??"

OP posts:
NotQuiteCockney · 01/02/2007 16:47

Does he compromise in other areas? Is he a considerate person? Because he sounds like an arse, tbh. (Ok, if you really are with Johnny Depp, then I can see why you'd put up with all this, but otherwise?)

NotQuiteCockney · 01/02/2007 16:47

Oh, wait, you said he was heavy, so he mustn't be Johnny Depp.

Mrsjacksparrow · 01/02/2007 16:52

If he was Johnny Depp I wouldn't want to sleep! LOL

OP posts:
mammamic · 01/02/2007 17:09

Sorry if this is presumptious but he sounds like a nightmare. it's your house, your bed and YOUR RULES. if he doesn't like it, tell him to go and sleep at his own house. he'll soon come round as he sounds like the sex is way too important for him to give up. osrry but what do you see in him

compo · 01/02/2007 17:14

How long hvae you been with him for?
Do you love him?

lou33 · 01/02/2007 19:18

the falling asleep after sex would really annoy me

you do need to make it clear that although he is your partner, it is YOUR house he is staying in, and ultimately you have the final word

be more assertive with him

madamez · 01/02/2007 22:05

why on earth are you putting up with this waste of oxygen? He pesters you for sex, farts all over your bed and totally ignores everything you say - and it's your house he's acting like this in.
FFS dump him and find someone who'se actually been housetrained and socialised to get a shag off.

expatinscotland · 01/02/2007 22:08

Why are you still w/this waste of space?

DTMFA.

Mrsjacksparrow · 02/02/2007 00:14

well basically ive just been talking to him, at first he said he wouldn't try anything and that I should just get ear plugs he then suggested horlicks etc, I said horlics doesnt drown out the sound of snoring so in the end he said "right, and if I do it you do too". and hes saying I have to start going to bed earlier and helping myself if he is to "help" me too.

He said he will not sleep on the couch under any circumstances and if the snoring remedies dont work I have to go to the doctors and get my sleep disorder sorted out.

I feel so angry now, I told him it is making my vascular tension worse too and he more or less made out its all my own fault.

Aparantly the "bottom line" is that if the snoring things dont work, I go to the doctor for a sleep study.

I feel like telling him not to bother coming at all.

OP posts:
madamez · 02/02/2007 00:16

FFS girl! Dump him! What the F** has he got to offer that makes it worth while putting up with an obnoxious, inconsiderate, noisy, smelly intruder in your house every weekend?

Mrsjacksparrow · 02/02/2007 00:24

I'm starting to wonder madamez! apparantly now we'll "have to" go for a sleep study where you sleep under survelance with hospital staff...I said to him do you have any idea how long the waiting list for something like that would be? am I being unreasonable here? anybody else would offer to sleep on the couch.

OP posts:
colditz · 02/02/2007 00:36

Please get rid of this man, he is not being reasonable and his behaviour points to someone who is trying to take over your house, while all the time telling you you want him there.

Honestly, do you look forward to his visits? Because it doesn't sound like you do, and if you don't, why do you let him in? You don't have to you know.

lou33 · 02/02/2007 09:07

ihope the cock between his legs is as big as the cock he is portraying himself as, because i cant think of one other reason you would stay with him willingly

NotQuiteCockney · 02/02/2007 09:09

You know, I can see that it would make sense for you to talk to someone about your sleeping problems. But you already are, aren't you? He is refusing to acknowledge that he's snoring, and essentially refusing to get it sorted.

Pages · 02/02/2007 10:36

As someone who has been sleep deprived for four years (just because of babies really) I can totally empathise. I do think your DP is being very inconsiderate. I take it you have children, hence him coming to you rather than you going to him? How long have you been with him, and as others have said, is it worth it? This is a fundamental issue, you need to be able to function. But equally, his lack of consideration for you would bother me. He sounds like a bloke who is used to having everything his way.

Mrsjacksparrow · 02/02/2007 10:50

I have children (not his) so I don't even get the chance to have a lie in ever (although he often lies in when he's here ) he just really annoyed me last night, he said I was taking the piss and I expect everything my own way, he said why should he try and sort out his snoring if I'm "refusing" to sort out my insomnia. He's such a bloody know-it-all, I've suffered with this for years and he seems to think he can come along, give me a few pieces of obvious advice and it will be sorted. I kept trying to explain to him that even if the insmomnia was sorted (which it won't be without sleeping pills which I refuse to take for good reason) his snoring would still keep me awake anyway.

This is really getting me down, I'm a bit of a hygiene freak too and the fact that he farts in the bed is another issue which I know might seem funny or petty to others but I honestly cant stand it, it makes me feel like I'm sleeping in a dirty bed and he doesnt brush his teeth before bed either so in a morning his breath makes the pillows smell. I know how ridiculous this is sounding but the clean bed thing is really important to me, however I genuinly believed that all blokes farted in bed so I've not raised that issue, maybe it is my problem and I have issues with dirt/germs etc, I don't know but I don't feel i can bring up the farting/bad breath issue with him, its too offensive and I suppose he cant really help farting.

OP posts:
NotQuiteCockney · 02/02/2007 10:54

The bad breath thing seems fair, you can ask him to brush his teeth before bed. The farting is probably not so easy for him to control.

You're kinda avoiding the big question everyone keeps asking - what good things does he do? He sounds dreadful.

DrunkenSailor · 02/02/2007 11:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

maycontainstress · 02/02/2007 11:25

My DP doesn't live with me either but stays Friday, Saturday nights.

He was ill recently and was twitching around like mad in the bad etc. He woke himself up and saw I'd been awake for ages. He insisted on going to sleep on the settee so that I could get some sleep.

My DP isn't perfect but he has a lot of respect for me and vice versa. He has his faults (who doesn't) but he has many, many qualities.

Unfortch Mrsjacksparrow, your dp sounds like a selfish so and so. I'd tell him he can come over but not stay over because of the fact that your sleep is so scarce, you're a busy mum etc. HE should get the message.

catsmother · 02/02/2007 11:36

You're quite right. This is NOT an issue of imsomnia v snoring at all.

I do NOT suffer from imsomnia but I have laid awake, sometimes until 5am or later, because unfortunately my partner also snores terribly (no matter how he lies) and he grinds his teeth, and he talks in his sleep, so really, I have no chance.

Like you, I don't want to take sleeping tablets because I want to be aware enough to wake up if my young child cries out - and I doubt very much a doctor would prescribe sleeping tablets on the basis of drowning out someone else's snoring. Besides, when they are prescribed, they are usually a short term measure - these days no doctor will usually hand out sleeping tablets as a ongoing solution.

My partner has tried all the over the counter snoring remedies - sprays, nose strips, strips which melt on your tongue, a mail order gum shield thingy etc. None of them have helped. I think the next stage should be that he goes to the doctor to check if there is an underlying condition contributing to all the noise he makes when he's asleep, but despite visits for other reasons, he somehow always manages to "forget". I suspect this is because he knows that the doctor will first of all tell him that he should stop smoking, and secondly, he should lose some weight, before they investigate anything else.

Anyway .......... he ends up sleeping in the spare room most of the time. Previously, when we had a smaller place, he went on the couch. I know that's not ideal, but he's the sort of person who can sleep anywhere (he says so himself) and what else can you do if one person is being continually sleep deprived ? I used to feel bad about it, but now I feel that he hasn't done all he could do to help himself, i.e. go to the doctors, so in some respects, he has to lump it - though obviously, I would prefer him to at least try and get it sorted so we can sleep together properly again.

BTW, I have tried various earplugs - both sponge and wax types and they do NOT eradicate enough sound for me to sleep.

In your case, he does sound terribly selfish. He's twisting things around to suggest that this is your problem (something my DP has never done) which is plainly ridiculous. Even if you had no sleep problems yourself, any loud noise just 2 feet away would keep most people awake. If he cared about you, he too should willingly offer to sleep on the couch if he starts snoring and, at the same time, be trying all possible remedies, and being prepared to go to the doctors if all else fails.

The bad breath and farting confirms he's very selfish and he's basically not showing you much respect in your own home.

themoon66 · 02/02/2007 12:37

My DH is the king of snorers. Reading this thread has made me feel all cross and bad tempered because I suffer the same racket keeping me awake every night (can you sense the hatred and resentment here?)

My DH went to the doctors 15 years ago and got his nasal polyps removed. This cured him for only 6 months.

These days I wake him up as soon as the snoring starts.. That way he gets as little sleep as I'm getting and is better able to appreciate what I'm suffering

fizzbuzz · 02/02/2007 14:00

Ok, Absolute Queen of insomnia here, so I will try and help you with that bit. Although Dp did snore, and then lost 2 stone and stopped.

Sleep Study: I had one of these at Papworth Hospital....it confirmed....that I had insomnia (big suprise there)Specialist suggested taking sleeping pill every third night (didn't work). They then recommended a CBT approach which I will post on here about if you want.

However I now take 50mg amitriptiline. This makes me sleep every night. It is a low dose anti-depressant which makes you very sleepy.
You may find 25mg enough.

Quality of life has vastly improved, not completely knackered and bad tempered all the time. Cannot tell you the difference it has made to everyone (not just me!) Still have the odd bad night, but I know it doesn't last. I Have stopped worrying about taking a tablet every night, and any side effects, as feel insomnia was playing much more havoc with my health thantaking a tablet.

It is almost impossible to "sort" insomnia, as your dp suggested.

Hope this helps

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