OH trying to turn my mother against me??

[Peachyfizz]

This is quite a long one so sorry please bear with me.

Been with OH 2 years and we have a 10 week old baby.

Me and my family are very close especially me and my mum. I normally speak to her every day.

I've just gotten off the phone to her and she informed me that my OH had messaged her last night trying to put me down but trying to do so in a jokey manner. Saying he thinks I let our baby fall asleep on me so it's an excuse to not do anything. Obviously my mum stood up for me and said well it is hard having a baby, just give her a break. I just find it odd that he would text her saying stuff along these lines. She's obv going to tell me!! But he isn't that close to my mum anyway so I find it even odder!!

Us 3 and my dad went to the beach Sunday and my mum said name 3 things you love about her. He couldn't do it. He really struggles to show any emotion especially being soppy weather it be just us two or in front of people. He moaned the whole time we were at the beach.

He finds it easier putting me down than to express love. He's even started telling our 10 week old "men don't cry" which I had a go at him and said if he wants to cry so be it. He's a bloody baby! He snapped back saying I don't want a sissy boy.

In an ideal world I would leave him as there are other things too. But I'm just so scared. I don't earn enough financially, I dont know where I'd go. It's tough enough now and I think how would I cope alone. I have a feeling he would try take my baby away if I left him.

What would you do? Any advice? X

for you user 1458. Hope you're ok.

I would say your mum isn't a home-breaker and has been supporting your decision to be with this man, as a mother does, but she would be only too delighted to help you leave him.

I would bet money that your mum will be waiting for you to do this. She has seen it for herself and won't be wanting to interfere. Xx

I've just been on the woman aid website and read through. It saddens me to realise that I can say yes to a lot of those things :( can't believe I didn't even realise I am being emotionally/financially abused :(

I'm just so scared, I have low confidence and I'm petrified of taking the first step to leave. I feel like everything will snowball so quickly.

My mum and dad have previously told me they are not keen on my partner but have tried for my sons sake. But I think they are trying not to interfere with my life bless them, plus I don't think they have seen how my OH can be,

I know what I need to do. I just need to plan things for me and my boy.

Also I went to my mums yesterday and she showed me texts from him. She thought I knew he was texting her but I didn't! I knew he had sent some pics of our son to her, that's all. Only recently in texts has he been putting me down. Few comments here and there. My mum thought he was joking but when I read them I told her I know what he's like and he's being serious but trying to put it in a jokey way.
I don't get why he's texting my mum and not saying anything to me. Odd behaviour!!

This zoomed me right back to my bastard narc of an ex-partner. Tried to turn my mother and DCs against me, all in sneaky fashion. Mr oh so nice to outsiders but when just me and him could find any little thing to start an argument about so as to create a shit atmosphere

Im so glad I eventually kicked his ass to the kerb. These men are women haters OP. Thats why he doesn't respect you, and thinks its perfectly ok to disrespect your mother by discrediting her daughter

Where do you live that you have no way of finding a job to support yourself and your baby?! Your parents don't sound unsupportive are they averse to helping with childcare at least sometimes?

Id rather have pulled my own teeth in the end, than stay with my ex, he was a miserable man that felt entitled to sneakily make me miserable. He didnt make my life so I decided he wouldnt break it. I look back and wonder how I did it especially workwise - but I did do it because I had to. No other choice

Also I've never heard of any man having an automatic power to "take" a baby from the mother.

You'll waste your life if you remain with him, and your reward will be bitter tears in time to come re all the time you've wasted. & that your DC has had to grow up in an atmosphere where his father is scornful and unsupportive of his own mother. Its not a healthy situation

Get out - you can do better than letting your life hinge on 1 man who sounds a complete and utter pain in the arse, and sneakily unkind too. Get advice/counselling regarding this if you feel you need to - but without him. & don't tell him either, take your time to work on your best plan to regain your life

My XH was abusive in all kinds of ways, but the comment which literally had a "lightbulb moment" effect on me was my best friend telling me that he was the person who would teach my son how to be a man. I left with my son that day. You have just had a baby, you're exhausted and also need support not criticism. Baby cuddles don't last long, why shouldn't you make the most of them while he's tiny? Telling a baby not to cry and that he doesn't want a "sissy boy" is a bit of a red flag for me too. I hope you're ok OP, it sounds like your parents are really supportive which is great. He's being really nasty and horrible to you, you deserve better and so does your beautiful boy.

Mistressdeecee I do have a job but on maternity leave at the moment. My parents would help with childcare as they adore my son.

Just baffles me that a person would try turn family against you, really sick in the head isn't it! Thank you for your reply.

Ayeokthen I definitely don't want my son turning out like him!! However he will still get to see his dad so what scares me is his dad trying to turn my son against me as he is manipulative.

It sounds like your mum is just waiting for you to go to her. Ask her for help.

"I definitely don't want my son turning out like him!! However he will still get to see his dad so what scares me is his dad trying to turn my son against me as he is manipulative"

He would have much more opportunity to do this if you were living together. But you are jumping the gun a bit. He doesn't sound like a man who will revel in early childcare, isn't that for sissies?

I don't live in the UK, but I think there are still some benefits in place for single mothers of young babies and if he is financially abusive, between your maternity pay, child maintenance and any other benefits, you could be financially better off away from him.

Peachyfizz Im glad you have the help and support of your parents. I used to wonder why my ex was the way he was too, Id put aspects of his behaviour into search engine then religiously read thru articles. It took me a long time to just stop it - and accept the key thing was, the man who was supposed to love and support, be my friend, didn't like me. & also thinking back, he didnt like women generally

Didnt mean I didnt miss him for an age when I got rid - he was one of those I could never, ever manage to live without. I was on anti-depressants for a bit. But Im still here. & after a long while during which I could focus on myself and DCs without his voice and presence as a dark, critical, disloyal, mood-dampening cloud in my life, I met someone else and thats been it since then

Good luck with everything. Enjoy your baby, your family, your life