OH trying to turn my mother against me??

[Peachyfizz]

This is quite a long one so sorry please bear with me.

Been with OH 2 years and we have a 10 week old baby.

Me and my family are very close especially me and my mum. I normally speak to her every day.

I've just gotten off the phone to her and she informed me that my OH had messaged her last night trying to put me down but trying to do so in a jokey manner. Saying he thinks I let our baby fall asleep on me so it's an excuse to not do anything. Obviously my mum stood up for me and said well it is hard having a baby, just give her a break. I just find it odd that he would text her saying stuff along these lines. She's obv going to tell me!! But he isn't that close to my mum anyway so I find it even odder!!

Us 3 and my dad went to the beach Sunday and my mum said name 3 things you love about her. He couldn't do it. He really struggles to show any emotion especially being soppy weather it be just us two or in front of people. He moaned the whole time we were at the beach.

He finds it easier putting me down than to express love. He's even started telling our 10 week old "men don't cry" which I had a go at him and said if he wants to cry so be it. He's a bloody baby! He snapped back saying I don't want a sissy boy.

In an ideal world I would leave him as there are other things too. But I'm just so scared. I don't earn enough financially, I dont know where I'd go. It's tough enough now and I think how would I cope alone. I have a feeling he would try take my baby away if I left him.

What would you do? Any advice? X

He sounds awful...you have a new baby and he isn't supporting you at all, how will things be the older he gets?
You sound like you have a very supportive family please use them

Oh and My ex used to threaten to commit suicide whenever I pulled him up on his abusive behaviour...the last time he did it I said just make sure it's not in the house as I won't have time to clear up before work.
He looked so embarrassed and pathetic standing there with a belt round his neck...but he never did it again.
I left very soon after!

I'm sure your mum would be only too glad to have you and your baby to get you away from him, actually, OP. This is not just a tiff, but fundamental incompatibility.

So you wouldn't even have to wait to leave. But if you don't want to do that, start the plan in motion. Find out what benefits you would be entitled to and what child maintenance he would have to pay.

Thank you for the advice. I need to try be brave and strong for my LB future. Not going to be easy :(

I think it would take courage to stay with him!

He sounds crazy. How can he be saying men don't cry to a baby.

When you left him last year and came back did his behaviour change?
Doesn't sound like it.

If you're on maternity leave, go back to work when ready and within the year.

If you don't work, you need a source of income for the future, so think about what work you can do.

He threatened suicide, which is just manipulation. You need to set out very clearly for him what he needs to do for you to stay in this marriage.

If he threatens suicide again, find out where he is, then tell him you are calling the police straight away and do it.

He won't do it again and if he does he'll find himself taking into hospital for the night under observation. Either that or he'll admit he wasn't going to do it.

He can accept you're leaving him or stop his madness. Either way, you need to have an exit plan. While you're still with him, he needs to keep in line or know the end is on the horizon.

If you set him straight, you won't be any worse off than you are and by some miracle, he might come to his senses -assuming he has any- and become a reformed man.

Who owns the property you live in?

'Men don't cry' except him of course when he wasn't getting his own way.

Peachyfizz, I never post, but I had to comment on yours. Leave him. I know it seems difficult to impossible at the moment, especially with a baby. I have a 18 month old daughter and got rid of my emotionally abusive partner 2 months ago. It broke my heart but now I wonder why I staid so long, hoping he would improve. I finally have a life again. Once you get some distance, you'll feel stronger and better able to deal with his crap in a more objective way. Staying with such a partner is even more tiring than taking care of kids on your own (I have 3!)
The good thing is, your baby will be too young to remember a 'happy' family life and mourn it, better now than in 5 or 10 years time.
I'd also recommend lots of caution in choosing another partner in the future.
I wish you all the best!

Scarydinosaurs we rent the property and we are both on the tenancy.

I am on maternity leave at the minute. I originally wanted to go back part time to spend time with my son but it I'm to leave him in not sure I'll be able to do this.

*Mirtagoesnorth
*
Thank you, how did you initially bring up that you were leaving. He regularly emotionally abuses me and uses money against me as I'm on maternity pay and he earns a lot more than me.

How long do you have left on your contract? Do you rent through an agency or direct with the landlord? Which account does the rent come out of? Are you contributing to the rent as you're on Mat leave- because if he pays it all anyway, I would be getting out there sharpish and try to get your name removed from the tenancy.

When I left my abusive ex, I told him first of all I needed him to leave to give us the best chance by having time apart- then once he was physically gone the rest was easier.

Would that work with him? Or lie and say you're going to stay with your mum for a mini break to give him a rest, and then don't return?

So he manipulates, controls, belittles, abuses, tells tales on you and has already started on the baby, please get out, yes it will be difficult to begin with but do you really want your child around that, believe me my sister stayed with a similar guy and her grown up son has many issues all stemming from living with, for a better word, a bam.

You are not a bam so do something about it, your mum could have you both temporarily and you will be entitled to benefits and housing, do not stay out of fear of the unknown, it's better than what you currently have.

He's even started telling our 10 week old "men don't cry" which I had a go at him and said if he wants to cry so be it. He's a bloody baby! He snapped back saying I don't want a sissy boy.

This is so wrong. I don't even know where to begin. Your son is better off having no contact with this person than having him as a father.

User 1458...... are you for real ? Are you the OP's partner ?

I'm not even going to dissect your post because it's utter crap.

OP. Totally agree with all previous posters. Have a long chat with your mum and dad, work out a practical exit strategy and begin a new life without this miserable piece of work.

"He regularly emotionally abuses me and uses money against me as I'm on maternity pay and he earns a lot more than me"

So apart from being emotionally abusive, he could well be financially abusive also. You must not teach your son that particular set of damaging lessons.

Get rid of this deadweight before he further ruins your life as well as your son. You used to be an outgoing person, he has managed to drag you down with him to the shell you are now.

Peachyfizz, you asked how I got rid of my abusive ex.

My situation is different, so it's hard to compare. I live in another country, and I live here without family. I first checked out with a lawyer what my options were. More than one lawyer actually, till I found one i liked and trusted. My parents live abroad, so I asked them to come for a visit which would last a long while :-) When I had both the parents and the legal advice I informed my partner that the relationship was no longer possible, and that he had to leave. He didn't dare to make much of a fuss in front of my parents and left, though the first few weeks were hard. He rang the doorbell at 6am asking to be let in and went to the police to report that I had kidnapped the kids. He sometimes sent 50 abusive messages in the space of a few hours. Having my parents helped me feel safe at home. Having a sympathetic lawyer also helped: abusers are experts at making you doubt yourself, and letting you believe you have done something wrong instead of them. The lawyer reassured me (repeatedly!) that I had done nothing unlawful, and the first few weeks you do need a lot of reassurance.

BUT...there must be organisations that help and advise women in your situation in the UK? Maybe some of the other posters can point you in the right direction. You won't be the first financially dependent woman to leave her partner, i'm sure there is expertise somewhere. What I do recommend is:

• getting good advice before you do anything.
• having someone live with you or moving to your parents' house.

Don't worry about your mom not wanting you to live with her. My mom's a pretty self-centered lady, but even she helps out when it's an emergency :-)

Two months ago I was as worried as you were. These days, when my ex threatenes something or other (to send the social services for an inspection to prove I'm an incapable mother) i just think: 'yeah whatever, send them along! i'm a great mom'. Trust me, getting rid of abusive men is truly liberating! :-)

*Scarydinosaurs
*
We rent through an agent and have 8 months left. It comes from his and we used to split it half but now he pays the majority of it.

Thank you all so much for your support. I've been pretty emotional today but it's be nice seeing kind words.

I didn't see user1458 comment. I'm gathering it weren't too nice.

Pack some things and walk to your mums and never look back. He is abusive. Call Womans and as well. You know what you need to do. He is so fucked up, but that is not your babies problem or yours.

I skimmed through this so may have missed it if someone else has already said it:
It sounds to me like your mum had a good idea of what he's like, but has kept out of it until now. Unless I'm very wrong, if you turn to her for help, she will give it and support you. Please do it.
You say you don't want your son to be like his father - so don't normalise this behaviour by staying.

OP I'm so sorry.'
Everyone else who read this, I am so sorry.

I don't have any excuse. I was drunk and angry. I'm in a very violent and volatile relationship and I lashed out after he attacked me. I'm so sorry. You are none of the things I said and I'm honestly ashamed of myself.

I'm so sorry.

Has anyone suggested Womens' Aid yet? This sounds like an abusive situation to me!! They help abused people get free....

And - could your parents guarantee your rent on a place? Or you Stay with them until you get back to working more hours? You know they don't want you there full-time for the next 15 years, but how about 3 months? or 6 months? I know, know, know they don't want you abused and belittled, and they love your son as much as you do, probably. Babies do cry, you know.