I dont know if this will come across as shallow so I've not spoken to anyone in rl but I feel like ending my marriage because Im just too ugly for him.
Im married with dcs and have been with dh 15 years, we were both quite young when we got together and I was never quite sure how I got him. He's good looking, not just in my opinion, but objectively so. He has a very minor amount of celebrity (you wouldn't have heard of him if you aren't in/dont follow his field but he's occasionally recognised) his job involves being in the public eye to some extent and he is comfortable on tv and speaking to the media, he's photogenic but modest.
He isn't up himself and to my knowledge isnt a womaniser, he's quite a humble person and keeps himself to himself. Maybe a good example is that he has very well defined arms and 6 pack but in the summer he wouldnt wander around town topless or in a tight fitting vest to show it off.
Recently I have had 2 different guys hit on me. I know them in a professional capacity, one is my age and has made comments for years that I always assumed were jokes as Im so ugly that I just always thought he was taking the piss. I've always just laughed it off but a few weeks ago he said that he thought that we should be together, he cant stop thinking about me etc. I wont go into it but he poured out his heart and it was all quite awkward. The other guy is just a man that I had to have a business lunch with who then sent me a text message afterwards to ask if Id like to go out on a date. I declined both and told dh who wasnt really bothered and isnt the jealous type. But these 2 things left me feeling as though maybe I have become more attractive. I had also been out with friends and had got quite a bit of attention. I usuay avoid going out if possible.
I started to think that, all things considered, I had maybe become attractive over the summer. I had a new hairstyle, had lost weight, new make up etc so it seemed plausible that maybe finally Id hit my stride in my 30s and the ugly duckling thing was just a 3 decade long phase.
Then this week I was looking at some pictures that had been taken of me at a do, some posed for and some off gaurd. They make me want to throw up. I know that sounds dramatic and immature. (To add to the dramatics and immaturity; they also make me want to scream and smash up the phone). I look so ugly. My face looks like a troll doll that has been turned on its side and smashed with a hammer. My hair looks shit. I look shit.
My dh has a high sex drive and I cant understand why he wants to sleep with me. I keep wondering if he's thinking of someone else. I don't know what he sees in me. I make myself feel sick so I dont know how I dont repulse him. He always wants the lights on, he wants to go on dates, he takes pictures of me on his phone (which I later delete) and he introduces me to people all the time. Sometimes I think it must be a massive pisstake at my expense. I feel like I cant be with him. When he comes home from work I always go into another room because I dont want him to see me. We havent eaten a meal together for months because I dont want to eat my food whilst wondering what he's thinking of his disgusting gross wife shovelling food into her fucking ugly face.
I know I should be happy and grateful that I have a dh that loves me but I'm exhausted from constantly trying to figure out why he does. I genuinely feel that if I wasnt with him my ugliness wouldnt matter so much to me, I could be ugly in peace.