Im too ugly for dh

[Breakbroke]

I dont know if this will come across as shallow so I've not spoken to anyone in rl but I feel like ending my marriage because Im just too ugly for him.
Im married with dcs and have been with dh 15 years, we were both quite young when we got together and I was never quite sure how I got him. He's good looking, not just in my opinion, but objectively so. He has a very minor amount of celebrity (you wouldn't have heard of him if you aren't in/dont follow his field but he's occasionally recognised) his job involves being in the public eye to some extent and he is comfortable on tv and speaking to the media, he's photogenic but modest.
He isn't up himself and to my knowledge isnt a womaniser, he's quite a humble person and keeps himself to himself. Maybe a good example is that he has very well defined arms and 6 pack but in the summer he wouldnt wander around town topless or in a tight fitting vest to show it off.
Recently I have had 2 different guys hit on me. I know them in a professional capacity, one is my age and has made comments for years that I always assumed were jokes as Im so ugly that I just always thought he was taking the piss. I've always just laughed it off but a few weeks ago he said that he thought that we should be together, he cant stop thinking about me etc. I wont go into it but he poured out his heart and it was all quite awkward. The other guy is just a man that I had to have a business lunch with who then sent me a text message afterwards to ask if Id like to go out on a date. I declined both and told dh who wasnt really bothered and isnt the jealous type. But these 2 things left me feeling as though maybe I have become more attractive. I had also been out with friends and had got quite a bit of attention. I usuay avoid going out if possible.
I started to think that, all things considered, I had maybe become attractive over the summer. I had a new hairstyle, had lost weight, new make up etc so it seemed plausible that maybe finally Id hit my stride in my 30s and the ugly duckling thing was just a 3 decade long phase.
Then this week I was looking at some pictures that had been taken of me at a do, some posed for and some off gaurd. They make me want to throw up. I know that sounds dramatic and immature. (To add to the dramatics and immaturity; they also make me want to scream and smash up the phone). I look so ugly. My face looks like a troll doll that has been turned on its side and smashed with a hammer. My hair looks shit. I look shit.
My dh has a high sex drive and I cant understand why he wants to sleep with me. I keep wondering if he's thinking of someone else. I don't know what he sees in me. I make myself feel sick so I dont know how I dont repulse him. He always wants the lights on, he wants to go on dates, he takes pictures of me on his phone (which I later delete) and he introduces me to people all the time. Sometimes I think it must be a massive pisstake at my expense. I feel like I cant be with him. When he comes home from work I always go into another room because I dont want him to see me. We havent eaten a meal together for months because I dont want to eat my food whilst wondering what he's thinking of his disgusting gross wife shovelling food into her fucking ugly face.
I know I should be happy and grateful that I have a dh that loves me but I'm exhausted from constantly trying to figure out why he does. I genuinely feel that if I wasnt with him my ugliness wouldnt matter so much to me, I could be ugly in peace.

Hi op,

My mum brought me up with a sibling who was 'the pretty one' and me 'the clever one'.

As a result she refused to go to uni and I spent years feeling bloody ugly and insecure around people and mirrors.

Don't underestimate what your experiences growing up will have done to you.

Look, I don't know if you are ugly or not but if you are who cares? Your looks are nothing more than a geometric arrangement of bones, a genetic lottery.

What happens when you tell your DH how you feel? What does he say?

Please do look at finding a professional to talk to about this - maybe would a gp refer you?

I am no oil painting, I know DP is a dish (he annoyingly got better looking with time ), meanwhile I had babies, lost some hair, generally deteriorated in the looks department. But I'm still ME! I think he chose me cos I make him laugh, and we work hard and play hard. We now have gorgeous DC who are everything to us ... Looks maybe matter a lot when you're first dating (but maybe not even then, not really) but once you have all that shared history the relationship is SO much more than that.

Your mother's comments are so cruel. I hope some counselling will shut her up in your head and not let her affect you now. You're a grown woman with a lovely partner, you can do what you like and deserve not to be miserable. Big hugs

Goodness me, just read the rest of your posts, your mother sounds fucking awful.

I can empathise with much of what you say about doing your hair and makeup nicely and looking in the mirror and feeling pretty satisfied with what you see and then seeing an accidental glimpse of yourself or a photo and being devastated because you look so much worse than you thought - that happens to me all the time.

But if you are cutting off your hair and cutting up your clothes you have real self esteem / self-hate issues and are obviously allowing them to dominate everything you do. Get some help.

Ah and the answer eventually comes. Your bloody mother has fed you this line and you have assumed her to be correct! OP, please see this for what it is. Most kids if they show a hint of weakness to other kids, ie asking 'Am I ugly', will say yes. That is kids for you! Your 'D'Mum has set this in your head and it has been negatively reinforced. I am not a looker. I look like my DDad though and I adored him and so that's good enough for me! My DH says I am pretty. I know I have a face like a grit box hit by a flail but I am a good person, a good mum and have done well for myself despite my grid. Let it go. See the comments from your mother for what they are, designed to be hurtful for whatever reason. Seek counselling but tell the counsellor about the comments from the one person that should see the beauty in you.

I bet that your DH isn't as great looking as you think he is and you're not as ugly. I wonder if you're mistaking "quirky" or "unconventional" for "ugly". Look at most of the supermodels - they aren't conventionally pretty, they are striking, sometimes freaky and that's what makes them eyecatching or "beautiful".

We all fixate on one or another aspect of our looks without seeing how they come together as a whole, in three dimensions. There are very few people about who would generally be regarded as ugly by a majority of people looking at them, and I bet you aren't one of them.

And another thing - tall poppy syndrome- maybe the people who called you ugly were just jealous and trying to undermine you, it appears with some success.

I hope you are keeping g your mother away from you and your family as much as possible. You need to get therapy before you allow this to destroy you and your life with a man who clearly loves you.

Ah - busy writing as you were posting about your mother. There you go.

You really need to see a counselor OP

There is nothing ok or right about the way you're viewing yourself. My DM instilled a lot of the same issues in me that yours did in your (about my weight however) and it's taken years to untangle it, but it can be done.

You are not ugly, you are not hideous. And even if you were the ugliest person on the face of the planet, you still don't deserve to think or speak about yourself in such a way! We are more than our appearance and obviously your DH knows that!

Have you ever told him about how you feel about yourself?

Well, I'd say as humans we all have different ideas of what we like and don't like....some people like carrots some people don't.....for as many people who don't find you attractive ,just as many will do..some men like blondes some men like brunettes, some women like bald men some women like men with beards..it's all personal choice...sounds like yr self esteem took a battering as a child..yr mum dosnt help matters..mine once told me my knees were to fat to wear a mini skirt when I was 19. I never wore one since....send me a photo on pm....I bet you anything you are just a normal looking average woman,same as the rest of us xx

But the fact that my own dm isnt convinced that Im attractive enough for him says a lot.
It does say a lot but not what you think. It says your DM has chipped away at your confidence since you were a child and that probably partly explains why you can't accept that you are attractive to your husband, your colleagues and to random people.
You need to tell a professional how you feel. You need counselling to challenge the core beliefs you developed about your attractiveness when you were a child. And you (or your DH) need to tell your DM to shut up with her poisonous comments.

My own mother was rather similar, actually. Never told me I was attractive, always made a big deal about 'staying slim', always keen to point out how unflattering hairstyles/clothes were on me.

I still hate having my photo taken because I think I look awful in them.

However. Over the years I realised that maybe she was wrong. Certainly people seemed to find me attractive. So I started believing them.

I no longer have any contact with my mother. She is a bitter, damaging woman and I will not allow her to blight my life any more. I suggest that you consider the same option.

Please go to get some professional help. You need to talk to a HCP about how you are feeling.

Your mum doesn't sound like she has your best interests at heart. If she has been speaking to you like that all your life, it's not surprising that you have self esteem issues.

In regards to kids calling you ugly. I was called ugly growing up by other kids. I was too thin, had an ugly nose, a gap in my teeth, no boobs etc etc. Years later the boys who teased me the most admitted that they had crushes on me and were too afraid to ask me out. Kids are assholes who don't know how to express themselves, they don't often mean what they say.

Clearly this stems from your mum and you need to go through that with a therapist, counselling or cbt or whatever they suggest.

In regards to everyone calling you ugly at school

1. I doubt it was everyone but prob just felt like that from some kids say cruel things

2. who looks like they did at school?

3. Angelina Jolie was branded ugly at school... Mostly because of her lips!

He's with you, he has been for 15 years. He loves you! Just because you're not your idea of beautiful, it doesn't mean your not his idea of beautiful

Your second post makes it clear that your mother is the root cause of your self-hatred and low self esteem.

Please, please get counselling to help you with this.

I also suggest you read the book Toxic Parents and maybe post on the Stately Homes thread, which is for people with parents like your mother.

Go to your GP first thing in the morning. Unfortunately you aren't going to get the help you need from on online forum.

I have a good friend like this. She barely goes out and won't have a photo taken of her because she believes she is hideous.
She is actually very beautiful inside and out and I'm putting good money on your being the same.
Like you, this is all in my friends head and it is chronic low self-esteem.
The good news is this can all be fixed.
You need to get to a GP and ask for some help
X

The issue here is not your looks its your self confidence. You seriously need to to address this e.g. councelling before you self sabotage your relationship. Your DH has been with you for 15 years and still finds you sexually attractive, he enjoys introducing you to people and taking pictures of you. That sounds like someone who finds you attractive and is proud to have you as his DW. You have been approached by 2 other men who find you attractive recently too. Seriously you go into another room and don't eat with your DH so he doesn't have to look at you! You need to adress your body image with a professional fast, and if you can't do that for yourself right now then do it for your DC and DH before you turn their lives upside down by leaving him to punnish yourself.

I used to feel very unattractive and think that people were only ever asking me out for a bet or to make fun of me. This was the result of years of bulying at school. A fair ammount of councelling later I'm much more confident, even if I do have the odd 'fat day'!

Asides from your crippling self loathing your life sounds wonderful.

Please, get some help and re-frame your thinking. You wouldn't want to pass this on to your kids.

Also confide to DH just so he is aware that you are going to counselling and why you haven't eaten in front of him. Or show him this thread. He may bombard you with compliments about your appearance but explain to him about your mum and how it's something in your head and what he says doesn't seem to get through. He may not say anything says he already understands this. Either way he loves you as op said taking pics of you is a clear sign.

Yes, the fact that even your own mother has said you aren't attractive enough for him does say a lot. What it says is that you have been brought up by an emotionally abusive mother who has severe issues of her own.

Please, please seek help, therapy and support . Your DH clearly loves you (has he not suggested you get some help with your feelings?) and he loves you whatever you look like.
So, your looks aren't the issue. Your feelings about yourself are.

Good luck, OP, please do get help to rescue you from the damage your mother has done. You don't deserve to live in such misery with yourself.

If you can afford it, go to a professional therapist. But do talk to your GP, too. GPs can provide a counsellor, but I think only for a limited number of sessions.

"my dm asked me if I was sure he wasn't joking. After I had my first ds she told me that it'd be better to move back home as my dh would be looking for a trophy wife and it would be only a matter of time before he cheated. Every time she hears that he's working late she says "Im sure he is love". For what it's worth, I can check whether hes really at work and I dont think he is cheating. But the fact that my own dm isnt convinced that Im attractive enough for him says a lot."

It does. It shows that your dm is an emotionally abusive parent who has done you real harm.

What it does not show is that your poor dh, who has no part in this, deserves to have his marriage broken up and his happiness taken away from him.

And you do not deserve this either. The thing to do now is to stick two fingers up to your mother by not letting her run your life any further: she has amply proved that she is not fit to have any input into anything you think or do. Get treatment for your self esteem issues if need be, confide in your dh, trust your dh.

I once cut all of my hair off in anger, I had bald patches. I've cut up all my clothes before.

A big hug and a hand hold to you.
This is very extreme - it's self harming because you hate yourself.

Take a step back for a moment - how often do YOU see people, any people anywhere, that you think are REALLY ugly and repulsive. I'm not talking about the difference between model like beauty and average looks. I'm talking about grotesque. How often do YOU see people that you look at and feel the way about that you feel about yourself?

I'd guess actually never. And if you do it would be really really rare- probably people who have severe disfigurements/burns/genetic disorders.

Does that not help you to see that you MUST be seeing something in the mirror that is not real? It is not really there. It's in your head. Your own skewed perception of yourself.

I agree with everyone else - PLEASE get some help. Either a therapist - possibly a psychotherapist who specialises in CBT or eye movement desensitisation or see your GP.

It's heartbreaking to read your posts.