Would you read your exes emails?

[DeliaClartpepperTheThird]

Name change. If you discovered you still had access via an old laptop - would you read your exes emails? Background is he cheated and is still with OW. For some reason they communicate by email with each other rather a lot...

I have looked. Then found out stuff that's hurt me. Stopped looking. But it calls me when I am bored and angry at night.

It makes you feel worse in the long run I've caved in today and looked at my exs facebook and his ex wife's (who still slags me off because I had kids with him etc etc) I feel worse for doing I

I did this for a while with my ex. Found out his new partner was pregnant though receipt for pushchair. We'd been split up 6 weeks so then knew that the real reason he'd left, despite fact he'd literally thrown up on way out door and said was the most devastating thing of his life. He did look utterly bereft and couldn't understand why, if he wanted to split up with me.

After that I didn't look again at LCB's email as I had the answer I was looking for.

His partner did get in touch though a couple of times to see if we were still seeing each other. We'd been together late teens and friends since childhood. It was very hard to cut out of life.

I'm happily married with DC now so for the best all round. I now have no bad feelings. Just think he'd got himself in situation he really regretted.

I thought about calling his bluff with the shared custody but it would be too awful if it backfired.

I know abbs I've ruined whole weekends as a result of looking at emails on a Friday and worrying about what they meant.

Delia, don't let his threats mean you don't get any money for your children. He needs to pay fair share of maintenance. At court (which don't think would do) you would be able to show he only filed as result of maintenance application. Would not look good. Not least because it is black mail.

I want to say no of course I wouldn't look.

But I would.

Bloody he'll rowan that must have been awful. I felt like he'd left me all over again when I saw the wedding plans - that was 6 weeks after he'd gone. Pregnancy would be the next kick in the teeth. I'm pleased you are happy now.

I think doing so doesn't do much good for your own self unless you want him back and need reassurance to stay away or there's information you need there. That said it would be so so tempting. Just very likely to be so so hurtful too.

They will never really be happy. Shell be insecure and paranoid, knowing he cheated with her and could again. And he'll be constantly playing reassurance while sniffing about. Not a happy or healthy relationship.

^hell

Yeah, I'd look.

So you don't want him but you want them to be miserable. Can't imagine why he left you

In all seriousness all you're doing is stopping yourself from moving on. Sort out maintenance. If he's using 50/50 as a threat call him on it. It's unlikely he will be able to manage it. Plus he's a twat for using his kids in this way.

Move on. The bitterness will eat you up otherwise and you won't find happiness again

Don't be a twat confusion.

He didn't actually leave her, he had an affair that got found out and OP kicked him out. By the sounds of things he never wanted to leave, he's just one of those entitled fuckwits (a bit like yourself) that thinks he can have his cake and eat it and now he's having to face the consequences of his own actions he's crying about it.

Do you have any written proof by text or email that he wpild go for custody to avoid payments? If not try and get some.

A man who only wants custody to avoid spending money is not likely to have the gumption to deal with the real demands of it.

So many men threaten this and then bugger off. In fact 40% of men lose contact with their children within a few years of family break up.

Realistically, does he have a job that would work with being primary carer part time?

I would look. I wouldn't be able to help myself. Even knowing it would hurt.

But knowledge is power.

Keep any maintenance discussions to text/email and hope that he slips up and responds about wanting 50:50.

Nice comment confusion - they treated me like shit, turned my life upside down and brought me close to a breakdown. So I don't want them to live happily ever after.

Fair enough OP...
Can understand you not wanting to wave them off into the sunset but they don't care what you think of them so my point is that all you're doing is making yourself miserable by sitting around reading his emails and hoping they will be miserable.

By the sounds of it they already are- so have a mini rejoice, thank your lucky stars you're rid of him now and move onto bigger and better things which you deserve!

No I prefer not to know some things and hurt myself more

I would definitely keep the email account.
It 'might' be very useful to you to have inside information ie. financial/maintenance/contact etc., when your divorce is going through.

I'd have to read in case there was anything that could affect DCs. In this case, this guy isn't paying towards the DCs, but is still planning on spending money on a wedding.

So I'd be forwarding emails about money on to an anonymous email address, then going in and deleting the sent email from the ex's email box.

I'd do this as people who cheat aren't necessarily going to be fair about anything else, and I'd want to make sure the children were not forced to do without while the ex was spending.

No Gloria he works full time and travels Occasionally so he would struggle with nursery drop offs etc. His fiancée doesn't appear to work but I have no idea whether she'd be happy with playing babies with someone else's child. I'm sure the novelty would wear off after a couple of months. I'd be gutted if I didn't see my baby for 50% of the time while the OW was doing most of the childcare.

I'd be inclined to tell him I can't think about having him back while he's with her.

If he does dump her stall for time, then say you don't want him.

Putting aside the fact I hate her because she knew about me and our baby when she slept with him - I do think it's appalling that he is trying it on with me within days of proposing to her.

I assume she was lonely and probably has low self esteem and he is taking advantage of this. I look at him with this knowledge and realise he is a complete stranger to me. It's quite unsettling.

When I get tempted to stalk an ex online the thought that keeps me sane is to consider the opportunity cost. I.e. if I'm spending time on that, what would I otherwise be doing? I can generally think of something more positive, useful and life-enriching

Excellent tactic Red!

Op I done this when ex left me pregnant and found out he was pleading poverty couldn't provide for his kids yet was buying ow expensive boots booking nights away etc etc
Also found out it was going on a lot longer than I know so made me hate him even more and made it easier for me to not want to see him.
He also still pleads poverty (went ballistic that I went to csa) but his parents told me he's in 4500 debt? Yet still working full time?

Stop with the cyberstalking. Does it make you feel better? Happier? Good about yourself? No. So stop. It's not good for your mental health. Bin there, done that.
He's a shit. You know he's a shit. You don't need to keep rubbing your nose in his shit on a daily basis.