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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you read your exes emails?

76 replies

DeliaClartpepperTheThird · 27/08/2016 23:03

Name change. If you discovered you still had access via an old laptop - would you read your exes emails? Background is he cheated and is still with OW. For some reason they communicate by email with each other rather a lot...

I have looked. Then found out stuff that's hurt me. Stopped looking. But it calls me when I am bored and angry at night.

OP posts:
purplefox · 27/08/2016 23:29

You need to stop engaging with him when he calls, you have no reason to talk to him about anything other than your DC, you'll never move on otherwise.

Smurfit · 27/08/2016 23:30

Are his whining calls wearing you down? To me it definitely sounds like you shouldn't take this man back (and hopefully you don't want to). However, the additional information may help your resolve if you feel like it's being worn down?

Personally, I would, I couldn't help myself as I like to not be caught unawares (also I'm nosy). I'm aware (and have experienced) that not all information is good and it can be extremely hurtful, however I regret nothing (except staying as long as I did) because he was a liar and I had the information I needed.

Original poster
DeliaClartpepperTheThird · 27/08/2016 23:31

I've not looked for weeks now because I reached the point of "what could possibly be worse than what I've read already"

Tonight I just feel an urge to look. But I won't.

OP posts:
Original poster
DeliaClartpepperTheThird · 27/08/2016 23:34

I realise this sounds awful but I like the fact he is running back to me. He's cheating on her emotionally (I wouldn't let him touch me). I hate her and it gives me great satisfaction to think that she is getting a taste of her own medicine.

I read about their wedding plans and I think "ha you bitch, good luck with that"

I used to be a good person :-/

OP posts:
Original poster
DeliaClartpepperTheThird · 27/08/2016 23:36

I'm clearly not moving on. I think about him/them all the time.

OP posts:
talksensetome · 27/08/2016 23:41

I posted updated saying I would read them. That is true. However my advice to you would be not to read them and log out on the laptop so you can't crumble in a moment of weakness.

PotatoBread · 27/08/2016 23:42

You think about them all the time partly because you have a continuous knowledge and insight into their lives by accessing the emails. Honestly, for your own benefit and wellbeing get rid of the access.

Mosseywossey · 27/08/2016 23:44

Honestly I think you have some sort of get out of free card with that.
If he is spending so much of the wedding surely he can pay Maintence. Those emails are proof he is just being a git.

Dowser · 27/08/2016 23:53

I would read them.

I have no scruples.
Although you can't ever let anyone know that you do....
You might just find something to your advantage, especially if you haven't done the financials or he's trying to mess you about over money.

In my book...if it's war...its war!

You don't go up to the enemy and say...excuse me, can I shoot you!

They never hurt you as much as the first time anyway..I've when you find out about the affair.

PurpleDaisies · 27/08/2016 23:56

You don't go up to the enemy and say...excuse me, can I shoot you!

The op seems to be hurting herself by reading these emails. It's keeping her tied emotionally to her ex instead of her disengaging and trying to sort out a "professional" type relationship where they only deal with each other in relation to their son. She can't reveal anything she's read in the emails anyway-his is it doing her any good?

CodyKing · 28/08/2016 00:05

She could print them and post them to herself!

Who knows where the information came from?

I'd look - especially if the kids are involved -

Oh and do send a card in November X

whywonthedgehogssharethehedge · 28/08/2016 00:32

Anything you could use in a case with the CSA print. Then log out of it all. Karma will bite them both in the ass if he's playing games.

CantGetYouOutOfMyHead · 28/08/2016 00:56

I have done. I discovered exH's infidelity by going through emails. And after I got him to leave, I built up the full picture of his (un-admitted) activity by continuing to do so. And when he wanted to 'come home' and start afresh, I was confident that his words were meaningless.

Was it harmful to me? Sure. It prolonged the extrication. But it validated my decision. I had an insight into his actions that proved and reassured me of his inability to be honest. It was like building a portfolio that - even though I never ever wavered - galvanised my resolve.

Healthy? Meh. Questionable. But I feel it is normal to want to be proved right, and to keep the doubts at bay. For me, it wasn't emails; it was the Ticketmaster account (some people's passwords never change) which showed me how regularly and how far in advance he was planning his dates.

I certainly have struggled to move on, but personally I needed the validation and proof to reassure me that I was right.

FuzzyDiamond · 28/08/2016 00:59

For your own sanity I would remove the access to the emails. You are only hurting yourself. He sounds like an absolute Fucktard and you have had a lucky escape, they are not worth the heart ache you are getting from reading these emails.

If he is unhappy then he's made his shitty bed and he can lie in it. Don't entertain his calls unless it's about the DC, moving on is hard but giving them so much headspace is harder.

AyeAmarok · 28/08/2016 07:57

I don't think the emails are helping you to move on, however, bigger issue here is the lack of maintenance! Is he employed or self employed? If he's employed, get thee to the CMS pronto.

I would keep the access (might be useful in future), but try to wean yourself off looking at it.

What you know so far:
-He's a cheating cunt, and you're well rid.
-He has ended up with the OW when he didn't want to be.
-She has won the prize that is your ex (heh), and yet she knows that he can't be trusted, he doesn't really want her, and she's suffering from insecurity because of that.
-He's getting himself into a massive hole with a wedding he doesn't want because he's too much of a coward. Serves him right.
-Serves both of them right, actually. These are the consequences of their shitty actions!

Take some comfort from that.

But do get maintenance sorted asap. That's for your DC, remember, not you.

confusionoftheillusion · 28/08/2016 08:07

OP - do you want him back?

If not then I suggest you stop communicating with him apart from re: your kids. You ignore his tears and attempts to "win you back".

You tell him you will sort maintenance through CSA if he doesn't sort to your satisfaction (use the online calculator) and then move on with your own life and let them move on with theirs.

Original poster
DeliaClartpepperTheThird · 28/08/2016 09:49

Thanks everyone. No I don't want him back. I realise I am better off without him.

I just don't want them to be happy. I would love to string him along, get the evidence and send it as a wedding present. But fully aware that isn't healthy!

On the money side. When I push for support he threatens shared custody so he wouldn't have to pay it. He's a real turd.

OP posts:
Livelovebehappy · 28/08/2016 09:50

Yes. And I do. My DP and I split a few years ago when he left saying didn't love me etc. I asked if OW was involved, and he denied. He started living with someone a couple of months after we split but swore that it only started after we split. They parted after a year, we got back together. I then came across old emails on his laptop, accidentally when looking for something else, which suggested that he did start the affair with OW before we split. It now tears me apart as I would never have got back with him if I had known he left me due to an affair. Since we got back together he has been a brilliant partner and father, and we have been very happy. I do though still look at his emails, unbeknown to him, as I feel I need to check that she doesn't contact him again. I did see an email from her only a couple of months ago, following a good few years of NC, asking him to call her, but it looks like he just dragged it to the 'bin' and not responded. Although people will probably say the trust is not there if you look at partners emails etc, I'm afraid it's something I have to do to make me feel secure. Sad, but it's something I can't stop doing.

KittyKrap · 28/08/2016 10:09

My XH was abusive (alcohol, EA), this was the days of BT internet where one person had to set up as admin. That was him. So he could dip in and out when he wanted. Wanker. I left and changed ALL my details so he put a keylogger on the DCs computer..

DM (D?) emailed me last year about my forthcoming wedding only she emailed it to my ancient bt email address. No idea if he got that Grin

So it's not nice. But I probably would have a dip in then delete his address from my computer. So I'm a nosy bitch but only half a one!

Original poster
DeliaClartpepperTheThird · 28/08/2016 10:10

I suppose it's something that he didn't respond live and has been a good partner since.

It wasn't the first time he'd cheated on me so it was over. The Trust was completely broken and I knew I'd always doubt him and be checking on him.

OP posts:
Dozer · 28/08/2016 10:16

Suggest your priority should be resolving the financial/legal/custody issues asap. Take some control. I would personally only use the access to emails to seek any info you need for those purposes, eg if he'd been dishonest about income.

I would also stop allowing him to weep/express regret/come onto you to play games with him or OW. What's the point of that? It won't help you deal with the things you need to.

LippyLiz · 28/08/2016 10:17

It's curiosity of course, like me checking STBXH Twitter, I'm relieved when there's nothing there, or I'm trying to work out why he's retweeted that quote, is it for me and what he's lost, or for OW? It then tortures me. You must resolve to never look again and make it no concern of yours, just as I need to resolve not to look at his Twitter, (still in first week since split). The sooner it's done, the quicker we'll move on.

GloriaGaynor · 28/08/2016 10:21

If you agreed to consider shared custody he'd probably run a mile. Does OW even want to look after your children?

I really don't think he should get out of paying for his kids in that way.

Original poster
DeliaClartpepperTheThird · 28/08/2016 10:22

What a shit kitty. My own spying has made me paranoid about things like key loggers, not that I'm doing anything I want to hide - just the email peeping stuff

OP posts:
Mosseywossey · 28/08/2016 10:28

I would go for the for it! Get a good laywer and talk through options. If he is threatening it means he has nothing else up his sleeve and is trying to hold your children over you. Get the money you deserve! Tbh if she is as paranoid and insercure as you say then she properly won't want his kids around