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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Have I just been gaslighted?

66 replies

Junoberry75 · 27/08/2016 00:57

We have a little boy who is something of a collector and has form for moving important things - keys, phones etc so that when someone is looking for them he can leap up and be the hero. He's only 5, and it's mostly cute. (Note mostly!)

DH and I have a rocky marriage. We stay together for the children, there's no sexual intimacy whatsoever and despite counselling and therapy I don't see that improving, and told him as much this week on hols. He didn't say much apart from that he didn't want us to break up but I could tell he's annoyed. He plays the role of the great and bountiful provider, and I have little say in the finances although I do have my own money.

Anyway we came back today and I was dashing around looking for my bank card as I needed to get out some cash to pay for DS's holiday club which I owed from last week. It had gone from where I thought I'd put it - in the front if the big beach bag, and instead in there was DH's sunglasses, so I knew he'd been in there. I really needed to find it but it had disappeared. I looked everywhere and then little DS said "daddy saw your card and said "hmm" and put it in his wallet." I asked DH had he seen it and he said no and then launched into a giant rant about how irresponsible I am, he wouldn't be giving me another penny as I'd already had the money for the holiday club, blah blah. So I ended up going down to the bank with ID and getting cash over the counter.

Then I came back and was tidying up and there was DHs wallet on the mantelpiece so I looked inside and there was my bank card!AngrySad

I went to find DH and asked him could he explain and he laughed it off and said DS must have done it, why would he do that etc. But his wallet is quite stiff, you have to jiggle the cards to get them in and out, and now I'm suspicious. I'm going to have another chat with DS but I'm confused.

Am I being gaslighted?

OP posts:
Ineededtonamechange · 27/08/2016 09:17

Is your DS scared of your husband?

Original poster
Junoberry75 · 27/08/2016 09:21

No not so I've noticed

OP posts:
RitchyBestingFace · 27/08/2016 09:36

The card is a red herring. In the bigger picture, it doesn't matter.
What does matter is that your marriage is not working and is unlikely ever to make you happy. Agree with the PPs who say divorce is better than growing up in an miserable, untrustworthy environment where everyone treads on eggshells.

Flisspaps · 27/08/2016 09:37

You will mess your DC up by staying, not by leaving.

Your DH has lied, he now has your DS lying for him.

DoreenLethal · 27/08/2016 09:44

Oh love, anyone with an ounce of credibility would have just taken their wallet to show you not ranted at you...he knew it was in there otherwise why not just show you?

And now your son is being made to lie to cover up his behaviour. How sad is that?

ZansSerif · 27/08/2016 10:43

You're married - if there is money to pay for childcare, it should be available to both of you, it's shared money. It's financial abuse for him to deny bits of money for essentials like that.

So there's that for starters and that's reason enough to get out. You'll get more money from him if you're divorced.

But also he sounds really nasty and I agree the unpleasant behaviour ramps up when you make noises about it not working out.

I wouldn't set store by what DS says - he's only little and may be trying to say what he thinks you need to hear, and getting confused himself. He may have taken back what he said because he's worried it's causing problems.

The marriage sounds like its over to me. It might help you to look at your options, how you would live, what maintenance/benefits you'd get etc because that will give you back a sense of control, even if you're not ready to go there.

Donthate · 27/08/2016 10:49

Did you spend the holiday club money on something else?

You told him on holiday that you didn't think your relationship would improve?

I would say yes he's annoyed and hid the card.

smilingeyes11 · 27/08/2016 10:57

I do take issue with you saying divorce will screw up your kids. Living with an abusive gaslighter will cause much more damage! Many of us have raised successful, balanced children alone - I would go as far to say you need to divorce this person otherwise your children will be screwed up for sure.

Ninasimoneinthemorning · 27/08/2016 11:01

Your DH is fucking with you op and your kids are starting to be dragged in to it as you've now has to question your five year old - which he actually could have been told by his father that he didnt see him take it.

You know he has lied to you. How the hell did it get in his wallet.

People can devorce and for the kids life's not to ruined by it - it takes a lot of work by both parties to ensure the kids are always mentally looked after.

Kids staying in a fucked up family dynamics end up with just as much head fuck as kids who come from bad devorces.

ImperialBlether · 27/08/2016 11:25

Time to get out, OP. You can't live with someone like this and not be affected by it.

0dfod · 27/08/2016 11:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Junoberry75 · 27/08/2016 12:02

Gosh! My head is spinning.

DoreenLethal my husband hadn't spoken to my DS when I talked to him this morning. In any event though that card could not have got into the wallet without DH doing it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Junoberry75 · 27/08/2016 12:06

Just want to be really clear - I don't think that generically divorce fucks children's lives and I'm dreadfully sorry if that's how that sounded. Sad
I was talking from a personal perspective. I don't know if I could cope, and I worry that I'd be making a decision that damages them. I'm in awe of lone parents.
The reason I wonder if it would be OK is that we deal with a couple of disabilities in our house and I worry that DH wouldn't deal with things properly without me there. He's not nasty, it's just that I know best!

OP posts:
Ninasimoneinthemorning · 27/08/2016 12:14

What he did with your card was nasty. He set you up to be shouted st and belittled.

He reminds me of my cousins ex, always low under the radar shit that wasn't 'enough' to leave over. Eventually he fucked up big enough for her to kick him out and now she is in a massive depression because of twenty years of this crap.

RepentAtLeisure · 27/08/2016 12:59

Your poor DS. You don't want to screw up his life by splitting, but he has to deal with this? There will be more of the same. I wish you hadn't spoken to him again, you know what happened.

The reason I wonder if it would be OK is that we deal with a couple of disabilities in our house and I worry that DH wouldn't deal with things properly without me there. He's not nasty, it's just that I know best!

He'll learn. If he's not nasty and not incompetent he'll get to grips with it. Give him a manual if you need to, but this sounds like a miserable situation for all of you.

keepingonrunning · 27/08/2016 13:11

DH's willingness to learn how to manage DC's disabilities would be a test of how caring a father he is. If his love for them is genuine and selfless, he will go out of his way to learn.

Billben · 27/08/2016 13:20

Sorry, but I don't believe your 5 year old son took your card and put it into his dad's wallet; definitely not if the wallet is hard to open and the cards are hard to get in and out to begin with. If he took it, he would have put it somewhere else. Your husband was an idiot as well because if he did take the card, it would have been more believable for him to hide it somewhere else other than his own wallet. Somewhere where a child would hide it. Instead now, he had to make your son lie to you about what he heard. I don't think your son is lying about seeing him take it. His dad just probably had a little chat with him.

cheeseismydownfall · 27/08/2016 13:27

As the child of parents who "stayed together for the children" - don't do it. Just don't. I can promise you that it will screw your kids up far, far more than a divorce.

BlueFolly · 27/08/2016 13:54

I've just had a little chat with DS and now he says he made it up and he didn't see daddy move it

Staying together 'for the children' will mess them up in these circumstances.

Original poster
Junoberry75 · 27/08/2016 14:38

What if though, there WAS a reasonable explanation? Or he was just pissed off and did this to annoy me? Is it really LTB territory?

OP posts:
GarlicMistake · 27/08/2016 14:48

It's quite possible there was a reasonable explanation. He put his shades in the beach bag, noticed the card floating around in there and put it away for safe keeping. Or DS 'hid' it somewhere daft, so he put it away for safe keeping.

There's no reasonable explanation that requires him to pretend his dyspraxic five-year-old carefully placed a bank card in his wallet. No reasonable explanation calls for him encouraging a five-year-old to lie to their mother.

Misplacing a bank card isn't an offence punishable by insults or angry threats.
Mistakenly returning a bank card to the wrong wallet doesn't require cover-ups and lies.

While there are several reasonable explanations for the relocation of the bank card, there isn't anything reasonable about what ensued.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/08/2016 15:05

"What if though, there WAS a reasonable explanation?"

What Garlic wrote here in her response. l

Or he was just pissed off and did this to annoy me?

Yes on both counts

Is it really LTB territory?

Yes, particularly given what you have also written about him. This is not a marriage and its not your fault your H has decided to conduct his own private war against you. Staying also primarily for the children is never a good idea either as it teaches them that a loveless marriage is their norm too.

What do you get out of this relationship, what needs of your own are being met here by him?.

GarlicMistake · 27/08/2016 15:06

Just in case you've lost touch with reasonable behaviour, Juno ...

I looked everywhere and then little DS said "daddy saw your card and said "hmm" and put it in his wallet."

Fine. Reasonable.

I asked DH had he seen it and he said no

Reasonable: "DS thinks you put it in your wallet, is it there?"

then launched into a giant rant about how irresponsible I am

Reasonable: "Oh, yeah! Sorry, here you go."

His is the reaction of someone who neither likes nor respects you (and is consequently very rude to you.)

he wouldn't be giving me another penny as I'd already had the money for the holiday club, blah blah.

There's no reasonable alternative for this - the reasonable couple has resolved the situation.

His is the reaction of a 'Man Who Would Be King'. He's leveraged a small domestic glitch to reassert and reinforce his control over you and your family life.

So I ended up going down to the bank with ID and getting cash over the counter.

And he let you!!!!!!

KickAssAngel · 27/08/2016 15:07

You're tying yourself up in knots as if you need some kind of golden ticket to allow you to split up.

You do not have to be in a relationship with anyone who makes you unhappy (except your kids when they're young).

He's an adult responsible for his own behaviour. He chose to yell at you.

Stay if you want to be with someone who likes shouting and you. Leave if you don't like it.

The rest of it is irrelevant.

GarlicMistake · 27/08/2016 15:19

Stay if you want to be with someone who likes shouting [and threatening] you. Leave if you don't like it.

What KickAss said!

You deserve better. Maybe you've come to feel you do deserve to be treated like a faulty appliance. But you deserve better, because every human does.