Hi. I joined this site yesterday. I got loads of good comments on my opening post and I feel I can contribute to your thread in a positive way. I'm a man by the way.
First things first I don't think your husband is gay. Secondly I might sound crude in what I say but I don't mean to offend anybody on here. We're taking about sex right so let's just get down to it.
The reason I say your husband isn't gay comes from experience of friends in a similar position to your husband. Im sorry to say this and admit it but men are a weird bunch. Really we are. Men like all kinds of "weird stuff" as you are all aware. Anything from wearing nappies or dressing as dogs in rubber suits to granny porn or dominatric attivities . You name it, men do it. I for one am just "normal" but I have friends who have dabbled in the ridiculous, perverse and kinky stuff believe me.
So your husband is interested in transvestities and anal sex. It doesn't mean he's gay. If he were gay has there been some reason why he's had to hide it? Religious background, conservative family, job issues, shaming the family etc etc? Do you really think he's gay? What other signs are there?
I've had very straight happily married male friends with kids who like to look at other men's knobs. I know strange right? But I bet women compare breast sizes.
It's a fascination which developes into a craving. Comparing size, look, girth and all that comes with being a man and determining who is the alpha male. It's engrained in our uncouncious.
Maybe he is the one who is having fantasies about being dominated. Probably by you! Maybe that's why he's never initiated.
Try changing the routine. Dominate if you feel you can. Apologies to anyone who gets offended by this but stick a finger in his bum during sex. If he freaks then say oops if he doesn't then you're on the right track. Progress to something else. A strap on? Yikes! Not for me but does it mean that's wrong? I know this will be difficult and by all means if this doesn't sit right with you then I'm sorry but maybe you aren't a match in the bedroom. That's not your fault please remember that.
Everyone is different. We all like the same and also different things. We're all unique.
He might feel ashamed of this fantasy about being dominated and I'm betting this is his issue which is why he's keeping quite and won't talk about it properly. Don't judge him or this will make him feel worse.
You are not at fault here. He is but he might have a reason for this. Like I said he might feel ashamed. He might feel you would be disgusted with him for even considering what he maybe really wants.
A different viewpoint is often worth considering. I hope I helped and good luck.