Sexless marriage, not sure if husband even fancies me...

[Myshitsexlife]

I've searched to see if I can find any similar threads, but it seems my situation may be unique and I really need some help deciding what to do.

My husband and I have been together for 6 years. From the start our sex life was very one sided, it was always me initiating-he never turned me down but it always came from me. It was always a bit stilted and lacking passion, but apart from the one sidedness, it was fine.
Slowly, as it does, over the months it started to dwindle and if I didn't initiate we just didn't have sex. I tried talking to him and he said there wasn't a problem.
One day after we'd been together a couple of years I looked at his phone internet history and he'd been looking at porn, mainly anal which is something we haven't done, nor has he shown an interest in. I wasn't angry about the porn per se, but he fact that we weren't having sex and he was choosing to masterbate to porn.
Over the months I tried talking to him a few more times, all he has ever said is that he is scared to initiate in case I turn him down.
I looked at his phone a few months later and he'd been watching transsexual porn and been on adultfriend Finder. A whole can of worms was then opened as I carried on digging and found memberships to transvestite hook up sites and adult work. I won't go into the whole heap of shit that followed those discoveries but we had counselling and said he isn't attracted to transvestites, he was watching the porn etc as its taboo and he'd never want to meet or be with one.
Yes I am still with him, yes I am stupid. As it stands, we haven't had sex for 2 years. The last time I talked to him about it was over a year ago and nothing has changed.

Please help me decide what to do, can straight men be interested in transvestites or am I just very very stupid. I can't be in a sexless marriage.

That seems a bit patronising, it's not just men are "weird", we all have our own sexual preferences & enjoying the sight of the same sex seems alright to me. I'm not a fan of porn though and I think it can/does damage relationships.

The issue is the deceit and the total lack of interest in his partners sexual and emotional needs.

I feel for you op.
I'm in similar situation (other issues too) and I'm working on leaving as I do deserve more. And so do you.

I do!

I'm thinking if he if he wanted to be dominated then surely he would watch that kind off porn?

I don't know and can't answer the questions you are desperate for an answer to OP, but I'll add this to the discussion -

It IS a relationship - it's the one you're in and as you're not single, you've maintained a family unit so it is your relationship, shit as it may be. I just don't think "this is not a relationship" one liners are useful.

When it all came tumbling out, was he willing to talk? The fact he even went to therapy and to a group session means something - the man is trying. Maybe he's gay, I don't know. He probably doesn't understand it himself. He may be feeling very ashamed (I don't know) but I think to his credit he's trying something.

Why not try speak to him again? You say he's kind etc. Is there a way?

It sounds very tough OP. was he meeting people off adult friend finder - isn't it a hook up site?

Have you got deal breakers in your mind?

You poor love, I know how hard it is when your confidence is at zero.

Even without answers your life doesn't have to be this life.

I have just picked up this thread. Don't have enough time to write in detail right now, but YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

I nearly dumped my now husband four years ago, because I couldn't work out why he just wasn't interested in me. It was always me initiating, he said there was no problem, found me attractive etc, but couldn't even get an erection with me. For a while I thought, poor guy, he's impotent. But then got so frustrated with him not even talking to me about it, or showing any awareness of how it was affecting me and my self-esteem, I left him. He then came weeping back to me and admitted he'd been addicted to porn since his late teens (he was then in late thirties).

So we got blocks on all the internet, he saw a counsellor. Things got better and we got engaged. A couple of months later, when we'd both been busy with work, our sex life suffered. Something made me check his computer: and he'd been looking at stuff, lesbian, gay, everything online again. He was distraught, went to therapy again.

Idiot that I was, I married him. I wish I had left him. Wind forward a few years, I am diagnosed with some severe illnesses and advised to have a child ASAP if I want one because I may not have much longer. I absolutely hate myself for what I had to do in order to make my husband have an erection with me. I did manage to conceive, despite having to abase myself for his benefit. He confessed he couldn't stop masturbating and had exhausted his penis doing that rather than have sex with me.

This is an awful awful place to be. You are not alone. However, I don't have much comfort to add. I am now pregnant but feel like the most hideous woman ever and have no self-confidence.

cobalt

cobalt there are similarities between your story and mine.
I had 2 children with DP of 20yrs, the first conception was as you describe. The second was ONE encounter, pretty unremarkable except that I didn't really want to and was so unhappy with him.
I'm posting to say that the way they were conceived has had no bearing on my feeling for them. I have realised that it was his fault, not mine.
My DC are boys and I will teach them about men and women, patriarchy and porn.
I left that P when DC were 3 and 4 and I am very grateful for my DC.
Sorry, rambling.

Sorry. I omitted the point, that I am currently leaving partner 2 with a secret porn addiction.
Run.