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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is honesty the best policy here?

52 replies

Applesandpears86 · 26/08/2016 16:14

I'll try to keep this short as possible.

I have been dating someone for coming up to 6 months now. He works away a lot but I am pretty independent so this has never been an issue.

I've started to fall for him in a big way. I know he has feelings for me too but I was confused as to why he wasn't taking the relationship to any new levels (e.g. meeting friends, making medium term plans). A couple of weeks ago I initiated the 'what are we' talking he admitted that he is moving abroad in a couple of months for work (likely 2-3 years).

I didn't think that he wanted to do long distance so I finished things with him. Since we've been back in contact, I saw him yesterday and I think he is pretty gutted about it but has resigned himself to never being able to have a relationship (he moves a lot)?

I have thought a lot about it and I really would like us to give it a go.

Is it worth being honest with him to see what he says or to just leave it and move on?

OP posts:
Original poster
Applesandpears86 · 27/08/2016 08:31

Christ, he's not married. I wondered how long it would be before that started.

Here's what I want to say:

When I initiated stopping seeing each other I thought this would be easy and to be honest I thought it was what you might want. But we've been weeks without seeing each other or talking much and yet when we are back together it just feels right - I've dated a lot and it's really hard to find that.

You being in Ireland could mean we both get to concentrate on our jobs and lives but still try out this relationship. My job is flexible enough around visiting you - really it's easier to see you than if you were in London - and I'm not tied down in the long term.

But I'm also rational and I know this will only work if we both want it. So if you don't I want to be able to move forward and let this go with no regrets having been completely honest about my feelings.

I don't want to come across as needy or clingy but just need to tell him how I feel, even if he doesn't want to try I feel that then I can move on properly?

OP posts:
chocoLit · 27/08/2016 08:34

If take out the part about dating a lot and the part about not being tied down long term.

That keeps it lighter.

Nothing ventured nothing gained. Good luck op.

Shayelle · 27/08/2016 13:15

It feels right... To you. But something about this is all, is making you feel crappy. Hes already openly said to you you can fuck each other wothout developing any feelings. But you have. And he doesnt seem to want to pursue a rship.
So what are you going to do now?

Shayelle · 27/08/2016 13:17

Youre willing to mold yourself around him but has he done ANYTHING to encourage you?? He let you end it and he didnt come back to you. Im sorry op maybe im wrong and i hope so but i think you should cut your losses -hes a player!!!!!

Isetan · 28/08/2016 06:30

Let him go before you waste more of your time on Mr 'I'm not really that into you but I wanted some fun before I go away, where I'll no doubt fill the space with another woman I'll not be honest with'.

You're way more into him than he is you and worse still, he's a coward for not being up front about it.

Let him go.

Waitingforsleep · 28/08/2016 06:43

He may think that no woman will "put up" with his job and moving lots and as such have resigned himself to never getting married. I would definitely say to him that you have been thinking and don't want want it to be the end and would like to do long distance etc and see what he says. If he doesn't want to try then yes you have your answer but he may be wanting to hear that too, you never know. See what he says but if he is t keen or fades away when he
Moves don't push it and waste time, let him go then...

WillIEverBeASizeTen · 28/08/2016 07:11

"Still be alone in 10 years because of moving" do you want to be in this same situation in 10 years? Whilst you are in the honeymoon phase 'love conquers all' , but it appears this man want to continue this lifestyle for quite some time.

Compromises will have to be made, and it seems you are already taking the lead here. Like PP have said, you really need to talk it through if you are BOTH serious about your relationship.

Good luck OPFlowers

TheGreatDessert · 28/08/2016 07:14

The fact that he's not keen on a not verylong distance relationship doesn't bode well... (listen to what he tells you).

When you broke it off it looks like he just let you go? If he was truly interested he would have at least tried to talk you round somewhat, surely? (Listen to what he shows you).

This reads like you are much more into him than he you and I fear you will waste a lot of time and money giving it a go, while he puts in zero effort for a visiting shag...

I'd write it off as an enjoyable 6 months and leave it at that.

Original poster
Applesandpears86 · 28/08/2016 08:46

I'm quite sure he won't want to try because it will be very difficult. However I feel like I will always wonder what if/have regrets if I don't ask him?

When I broke it off I did so on the phone; therefore it was hard to gauge his reaction. I kind of did my 'I want to finish this, I don't want long distance' speech then we actually lost signal so he just text to say thanks for being honest etc and that if he saw me out he would catch up with me. I'm worried I didn't actually give him a chance to say anything!

OP posts:
WillIEverBeASizeTen · 28/08/2016 09:05

I'm afraid to say, my school of thought is, that if a man really wants you, then he will pursue you..

Shayelle · 28/08/2016 09:15

As size 10 says. He didnt even call you back. Just let him go

Waitingforsleep · 28/08/2016 11:13

Exactly- you told him you didn't want long distance. He needs someone to accept long distance as per his job. He may really like you but if you can't do long distance think it's for the best.

Original poster
Applesandpears86 · 28/08/2016 13:26

Waitingforsleep - what I'm saying is that I was against long distance. But now I really miss him I think I would give it a go. But I don't know how/if to tell him that!

OP posts:
Waitingforsleep · 28/08/2016 15:06

Ah! Well tell him just that then. If he wants it he will say yes and be so pleased. Any other response will give you the answer...

Original poster
Applesandpears86 · 30/08/2016 18:20

Update on this: In the worst possible way I got drunk at the weekend and text him asking for reassurance that ending things was the right thing to do... He hasn't replied so I guess I have my answer!

I'm going to try very hard now to build lots of mental barriers to him and move on.

OP posts:
Donatello68 · 30/08/2016 18:48

Sorry to hear that apples. It is probably for the best. Flowers

ohdearme1958 · 30/08/2016 20:47

Ach you haven't lived a full life if you haven't worn your heart on your sleeve and acted a bit daft.

Just put it behind you and be kind to yourself.

Mr Right will come along when you least expect it.

Mummydummy · 30/08/2016 20:56

If you really care about him you need to tell him. Ireland is near enough to carry on with the relationship.

I do think he should have told you he was leaving soon, and he sounds a little defeatist... But maybe that is him trying to fit in with what you said.

But you owe it to yourself to find out - be honest.

redisthenewblack · 30/08/2016 21:12

Just read your thread OP and ohdear has it spot on.

You told him how you feel....now move on.

You seem lovely, understanding and accommodating. There are.so many people who would be lucky to have you. Flowers

LittleBeautyBelle · 30/08/2016 21:16

Go ahead and be honest. Why not? You really have nothing to lose. What does your gut tell you? Does he love you? You probably know the answer.

If you think the feeling is mutual, be honest and talk to him. When I knew my husband was the one, (actually I knew at the beginning haha) I asked him one day when he was going to ask me to marry him, I was tired of waiting. We'd been dating under a year at that point so possibly I jumped ahead of myself haha!! I'd never done anything like that before, but I just did it, it felt right, I didn't agonize about it or wonder if I said something wrong. When you've got the right person, you feel totally safe and able to be yourself and speak boldly when you feel like it. There's no wondering or worrying or second guessing yourself. You know your high standing with that person, and everything will be ok.

Good luck, op. Just tell him what you told us.

Birthdaypartyangstiness · 30/08/2016 21:18

He's just not that into you...you were just "OK for now". No reflection on you -some selfish people just waste your time like this.

By 6 months, in a serious mutually committed relationship you'd both be in bits about the impending move and how to deal with it. You also wouldn't be angsting over how to discuss it.

LittleBeautyBelle · 30/08/2016 21:19

I'm sorry, op, just read your last post. Don't worry, now you have an open space to let someone else in, the right person will appear like ohdear says, when you least expect it and when you are strong in yourself.

We've all opened our hearts to people who weren't right for us...it will be ok. Enjoy your life and be good to yourself.

Original poster
Applesandpears86 · 31/08/2016 09:36

Thank you everyone.

I feel so embarrassed and ashamed as he hasn't replied! He told me before he was impressed by how cool I was about it and now he must think I am crazy...

OP posts:
Shayelle · 31/08/2016 11:52

Good for you for trying - you have your answer now, let it go for good and when you meet a guy whos really worth your time you wont even think about this one :)

PenelopePitstop24 · 31/08/2016 13:58

Under no circumstances leave it as what if I....

Speak to him, even do something like ask if if he'd fancy coming back for a weekend because there is a show or something on you want to see? That gives him an olive branch at least? If he wanted to come back and see you he would find a way to do it. Maybe that would then open the conversation.

If you can have a guy stay over and not actually sleep with him, there must be feelings involved.

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