Love but not in love!!!!

[user1472197143]

Hi Everyone, I'm a 32 year old dad of 2 beautiful children, Boy (4) and Girl (14 months). My wife and I have been together for 6 years but married for 5.

6 weeks ago my wife announced she doesn't feel the spark anymore and the dreaded "she loves me but is not in love with me".

When we met we fell head over heels for one another and got caught up in a whirlwind romance and progressed quickly to marriage and children. This was very much unlike me but I put it down to "when you know, you know" if that makes sense...

We fell pregnant on our honeymoon and later the arrival of our amazing boy.

Everything was great... Accept I was feeling like our sense of adventure was drifting away.

I should say at this point my wife went back to work full time as a bank manager and I maintained my full time position as a business consultant.

As the years pass we had slotted in to a routine and wanted to grow our family. We then fell pregnant with our beautiful baby girl which completed at face value our beautiful family.

Again following 8 months of maternity leave she returned to work and again I carried on.

Between my wife returning to work and 6 weeks ago we had neglected our relationship. The effort of both of us working full time, coming home and having 2 young children had made us fall in to bad habits.

We are still a great team. We jointly tackle the children in the morning, I take them and pick them up from nursery. First one through the door starts tea and then we tag team the bed time routine and split household chores, blue jobs and grey jobs (grey jobs because I cover both).

At the end of all of this we are shattered. And the starts the vicious circle.

• we both fell out of shape
• wife sleeping lite + me snoring = separate beds
• huge reduction in intimacy
• sex is vanilla
• wife never wants to do anything involving effort.

Realising how unhealthy this was;

• I have got back in shape and feel physically great (ex gym rat so after a few weeks was easier)
• this has stopped the snoring and increased my energy levels
• I have bought bikes and trailer to try and get my wife to increase her fitness with me while having fun with the children.
• set up date nights to build us back up as a couple.

A week ago she said she wanted to take some time apart to see if she misses me. I have been staying at my mums. She only wanted to do a week. She says she does miss me, loves me but isn't in love with me. She said she wants to work on it but adds the strap line "I don't know if I can change how I feel".

I am very much in love with my wife and would move mountains for her. The thought of not being with my children every day is killing me inside.

My question to all of the mums.

• Can a wife fall back in love with their husband?
• Is counselling the next port of call?
• Am I clutching at straws, should I be placing my efforts on rebuilding so my children have a great environment when they stay with dad?

Thanks for reading.

D

"We have more options available to us in terms of work..."

What have you suggested?

I hope you haven't suggested that she SAH!

misscph1973 I suspect the same. Her up bringing was quite turbulent and has had counselling in the past (prior to us meeting).

She is very robotic and almost numb to the situation. I know from a deep conversation before that's her defence mechanism and way of dealing with things.

I think a counsellor may get her to open up which will allow us to rebuild/reconnect. I just hope it's A) not too late and B) she's willing to try.

D

I say seemingly because if something bothers you personally that badly you do something about it.

You're all very judgmental on
Here! This man is being honest and whilst i understand were I only getting his point of view at least he cares enough to post something on here to ask others advice.

Your wife is probably exhausted. Try this make a meal for her Hoover do thing that may not seem to romantic but will help take the kids out for ah hour to the park come back let her rest and then try to be intimate with her.

People kid them selves it's not important but it is but personally a man who helps out and does things for me is more of a turn on than one that just purchases romantic items.

Does that mean you don't believe being overweight bothers her like she says it does? Is it more that it bothers you? How much do you think you have let this skepticism about her feelings come across to her?

Clara: I am honestly not trying to judge the OP, but I had a sense from his original post that he believes she is not doing enough to 'correct' issues with her weight, and I just don't imagine that was helping... I also wonder how far these issues are his and not hers, if I'm 100% honest.

I think you are placing a lot of emphasis on that aspect. Remember her shape is not an issue to me and as I previously said I am attracted to her and reassure her.

at no point have I passed comment to her in a negative way.

Fair enough. You know better than I do. So who initiated the move into the other room?

If you have lost a lot of weight and ate feeling more confident in yourself you will be portraying this and it is probably making her feel worse but this is not your fault but you do need to start giving her the odd compliment send her a horny text message or something that will make her feel sexy. Women's forget when feeling hormonal and bad about themselves that men really don't care about weight and not to be crude must men just want a women who will take change and be intimate (re wrote that to be polite) what ever her size is your wife just needs to be reminded of this.

You sound like a good husband and you do your fair share around the house. Could you get a cleaner in to help weekly? So you have that free time. Also to do ironing, as I know a 14 month old generates lots of laundry.

It wasn't really an initiation... I was kicked out to the spare bed for snoring and eventually just started going straight there. I accept this was a downfall on my part because the snoring is a byproduct of me being out of shape.

Trust me guys my wife is an exceptionally beautiful woman and I can't help but compliment her.

Awe ....

Year ironing is a grey job so we share the duety. We used to have a cleaner which we cancelled due to us tightening our belts for Matt leave. I often work through lunch and start early most days so take time back to blitz most of the house in time for the weekend.

No, it's not your fault you were snoring, is it.

Look, I think you need to get to the bottom of what your wife is trying to say to you. If she genuinely has just fallen out of love with you, it comes down to what you were saying earlier - how do you make a good environment for your kids. If there is something you can work on, she needs to tell you what and how, and be more transparent about what has caused her to consider a separation. As I say, I am not sure she is being 100% honest about her feelings.

I think you're getting a bit of a hard time on here, you sound like a really considerate man who has done a lot to try and rectify the problems without pressuring your wife.

Couple's counselling?

My wife doesn't stop all day at work and I am convinced this doesn't help our situation. As I am self managed I can find time to take 20 or so minutes to go for a walk etc... The fact her working day is so intense I think doesn't help.

When you're exhausted you don't think clearly ask her to book some holiday, you take some evaluate how you both feel after ..

We have The first 2 weeks of October booked off. Fingers crossed we can work on some things (maybe counselling) prior to this so we can get away which I think will do us good.

I think your wife is stressed. Stress can cause a depression-like state. I had a very bad period of stress where I was convinced all my problems would be solved if I left my husband.

The combined burden of what sounds like a stressful job and young children could very well be affecting your wife's feelings and judgement. Although I am sure a holiday would help, it will not solve stress issues longterm. It's the daily habits that need working. I am self-employed, and once I stopped working evenings and weekends, I was able to see things much clearer.

"If something bothers you personally that badly you do something about it."

It's not as simple as that, as many unhappily overweight people or smokers can testify! Especially if you are exhausted, busy etc.

Ok so last nights meeting was exhausting for both of us... I was pretty much hit with Every tiff we ever had as if she has held on to each one and it has built up like a pressure tank. Don't get me wrong, we hardly ever argue (her words and I agree).

I accept there has been times where I have been unreasonable but each time I felt I had learned/developed as a person and husband (never happened again).

She says a small part of her wants to fight but feels she hasn't got it in her at the moment.

I have sent her 1 text this morning to apologise for the way I have made her feel and would never do it intentionally. I now plan to leave her well alone this weekend unless she approaches me.

For clarity I have been 100% faithful, never raised a hand to her or been abusive. The examples were when I had a few possessive moments and a moment of selfishness (I acknowledged and accept). only 1 example was from the last 3 years.

This is sounding more and more like she has had her head turned.
Raking up the past.
Turning it all into being your fault.
Not looking good. Sorry.

I went down that route. She looked me in the eye and swore on our children's lives that wasn't the case.