Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How long shall I wait for a love declaration?

38 replies

Annteeta · 25/08/2016 22:07

I've been seeing this guy for 6 months and 4 weeks ago at a wedding we both declared love for each other. We'd both had a few drinks at the time. Since then he hasn't mentioned the topic. I texted him the following week with 'ILY' and he replied 'me too', I told him again face to face and his reply was 'good' and I said it again last week and he said 'I think I love you too'. Maybe I should have said nothing but can't help wearing my heart on my sleeve. I now feel that I've been 'downgraded' as it seems he's not feeling the same when sober. I would have thought that 9 months into a relationship we should be able to affirm love to each other - or am I being impatient? He's affectionate and attentive otherwise and stays with me 3 nights a week as he lives 50 miles away.

OP posts:
TheNewSchmoo · 25/08/2016 22:11

Sorry to be blunt but you sound like extremely hard work. Actions speak louder than words. Don't look for problems that aren't there.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 25/08/2016 22:11

If he hasn't fallen in love with you yet but wants keep seeing you, is that a problem for you?

PlonkerFace · 25/08/2016 22:13

So is it 6 months or 9 months? Hmm

Rainbowunicorn73 · 25/08/2016 22:16

Are you happy and having fun or not? Do those words really matter so much?
If he makes you happy then relax, enjoy yourself and stop getting hung up on a few words.
If, on the other hand, you're not happy then it's time to end things. You don't need to look for an excuse.

Original poster
Annteeta · 25/08/2016 22:18

Should say 9 months not 6 . . .

OP posts:
AnchorDownDeepBreath · 25/08/2016 22:25

You're putting an incredible amount of pressure on him. You seem to excuse it by saying you wear your heart on the sleeve but that's not really any more acceptable.

You'll get a "love declaration" when he feels it. I wouldn't trust it if he's been drinking first. Pressure won't help. 9 months isn't very long in the grand scheme of things.

If you're worried, actually talk to him, but I'd just stop putting on pressure for a bit and see what happens.

Ikeameatballs · 25/08/2016 22:50

If it wasn't for this would you think he loved you as evidenced by his actions?

To me the options here are:

He loves you but doesn't feel the need to repeatedly say it and you doing so and expecting him to return ILYs is putting him off.

He doesn't love you or is at least unsure but said he did in the heat of the moment and is now trying to go back on it.

What do you think and what are your expectations? If you think it's really important that he is in love with you AND able to verbalise that readily then perhaps he's not right for you.

PickledCauliflower · 26/08/2016 00:35

He may feel under pressure to say it - which can make it difficult to say it.
I agree that actions speak louder than words. If you feel loved, you probably are.
Some people (me included) don't like saying the actual words, for some odd reason.

Trifleorbust · 26/08/2016 06:24

Disagree with those who say he probably does love you but just isn't saying it Confused. He specifically said, 'I think I love you too' and 'Good' - classic evasive phrasing. However, he is perfectly entitled to develop his feelings at his own pace and you can't rush him. The question is whether there will come a point where it becomes a big issue for you that his feelings don't match yours. Have you reached that point? I think I would give it a year and then sit him down and ask him seriously how he felt.

onlyconnect · 26/08/2016 06:39

Some people take more time and it sounds as if he's one of them. It took my DP over a year but we are still together after 17 years and I know he loves me very much.

amypie86 · 26/08/2016 07:05

I think the more you repeatedly say it to him the less likely he is to say it back. It sounds like he's said it after a few drinks in the heat of the moment. It doesn't mean he won't love you one day but he might feel under pressure now because you keep saying it to him.

winkywinkola · 26/08/2016 07:08

Just stop saying it. At all.

Have fun and enjoy it all for a few more months.

Then after a year or 14 months, test the water again.

It's really unattractive to keep pushing this. It's meant to be heartfelt and spontaneous.

DoubleCarrick · 26/08/2016 07:13

I say "good" when my husband tells me that he loves me. Sometimes I just nod Grin there's something about "I love you too" that I don't like. I tell him I love him when I want to and not as a reply to his declaration. Give him time Smile

bakeoffcake · 26/08/2016 07:17

My DH often says "Ditto" when I say I Love You. Hmm Grin

(We've been happily married for 28 years and I know he loves me very much.) I think 9 months is very soon so just give him some space.

NerrSnerr · 26/08/2016 07:21

I think he might be feeling the pressure too. I would stop saying it and just enjoy being with him- as others have said- actions speak louder than words.

adelecarberry · 26/08/2016 07:25

I went out with a lad before and he said I love you fairly new into the relationship I half said it back but it was still new and i felt we hadn't bonded enough to have those types of feelings yet, I shortly ended it.

With DH we enjoyed each others company sand it was a natural progression we didn't really have a big thing about saying i love you just one morning he told me he did and i said I love you too.

LilaTheTiger · 26/08/2016 07:27

Maybe you could... talk to him?

Me and DP say I love you all the time. Like 50 times a day, but we're nuts about each other. Often there's no reply other than a grunt or a 'that's lucky' or 'good.' But that goes both ways. One sided is never good.

Talk. To. Him.

TheRadiantAerynSun · 26/08/2016 07:30

I say 'I'm moderately find of you too' when DH tells me he loves me (earns me an exasperated tickle.)

Some people aren't that expressive. Some take longer to really feel it. If their actions show love then the words are secondary IMO.

SanityClause · 26/08/2016 07:34

Saying "I love you" to get the person to say it back to you is really insincere.

What you are actually saying is "tell me you love me, now".

The correct thing to say would be, "do you love me?" if you want to know if he loves you.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 26/08/2016 07:37

My first boyfriend told me he loved me within half an hour of us starting "going out" (we were only 16 at the time). I pretended he hadn't said anything. I can't remember when I first said it to him but we were a couple for 2 and a 1/2 years. For the last year and a 1/2 of that, he was saying he loved me CONTINUALLY and quite often I would say "I know" or "good". He was annoying me. By the end of the relationship, I didn't love him anymore and the constant need to tell me he loved me added to that. I'm not a massive fan of over affection, I'm someone who uses humour towards my nearest and dearest.

My now DP is the same as me. If we say something nice about each other, we both just look horrified. At the very beginning of our relationship, we both said we wouldn't say we loved each other until we meant it. 4 months in, we did mean it. We say it to each other most days but there is no pressure for it or expectation that it will be parroted back. 3 and a half years later, I am still besotted with him don't tell him I said that and he still loves me enough that he hasn't killed me yet.

Maybe just take away the pressure from him. If you keep applying it, he may decide that actually, he doesn't want to be with you at all.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 26/08/2016 07:43

Meant to say, with now DP there was no grand moment that we said "I love you". We were lying on his bed and I was being annoying my usual self and I said "That's why you love me" in a really flippant way. He said "yeah it is". I didn't acknowledge it at first because I wasn't sure if he meant it in a flippant way but about 10 minutes later he said "you do realise I told you I loved you earlier, right?" as he was worried I had missed it. Then I said it back to him because I realised I was very much in love with him.

TheNaze73 · 26/08/2016 08:49

You sound incredibly hard work & are going to end up driving him away. Saying things, to manipulate him into saying back to you, seems like a desperate tactic.
Smoke the peace pipe, enjoy each other's company & see how it goes. Not everyone works at your speed, give the guy a chance!

MariposaUno · 26/08/2016 09:21

You aren't really telling him you love him now, you are posing it as a question of whether he loves you.

If you have been enjoying the relationship up until now then cool off with the I love you's and if he does he will tell you when he is ready and If not at least you may have preserved some of your feelings.

I told mine sober and in bed, it was really hard for me and he was happy and respindled. Didn't say much again except in contexts of conversations.

For some people it can hard to declare that emotion to someone. And even though I said it I think it's all a bit meaningless/twee to say it if the actions and quality of the relationship don't back it up.

MariposaUno · 26/08/2016 09:22

Responded*

NickiFury · 26/08/2016 09:29

I think talking to him about whether he loves you or not is a bad idea at this stage. Feelings that were developing nicely tend to wither when faced with Big Talks about them too soon. That's my experience anyway, I would feel very trapped by earnest requests and discussion regarding clarification of my love if I wasn't quite there yet.