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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Wedding to go to but DH ex bit on the side will be there...

43 replies

Howtodealwiththis · 31/01/2007 10:36

So, the title says it all really.

DH had an affair which lasted for 6 months (well thats how long I know about anyway) It was 2 1/2 years ago and I was 6 months pregnant with DS3. She knew about me and the boys (even spent time in DS1 company) and knew I was pregnant, but in a letter to him (which was how I found out) somehow still felt she had a right to carry the affair on.

Now I know this was 2 years ago and mostly I have dealt with it, but she seems to pop up now and again.

The wedding is one of mutual friends of theirs, very good friends in DH's case so he will really need to go.

My problem is that the other day I mentioned the wedding and that she would be there and he said he was trying to find out if she would be there before making any decisions. I'm not happy with this as I feel if he was totally committed to me then being there with me shouldn't be an issue! I am not the sort of person to cause any kind of trouble and to be perfectly honest really couldn't be bothered to anyway. I have said my piece to her when I found out about it and have not wanted anything to do with her since.

I don't know, I am rambling a bit now, but it just feels now like he still has feelings for her, in fact I have never been totally sure his feelings went and that he only stayed out of a duty to our boys.

Aaaaarrrrggghhhhh, this is really screwing my head up!!!!!

OP posts:
Fireflyfairy2 · 31/01/2007 10:37

It sounds to me that he is trying to find out if she will be there so you can be prepared & not worrying if you know either way??

marymillington · 31/01/2007 10:40

From an optimists point of view - maybe he was trying to find out whether she would be there to spare your feelings? And if she's there, so what? You will be there as a family, and he will be there with you. Keep your nerve.

But seeing her is bound to open up issues and insecurites for you. Do you really think he still has feelings for her or is it just that two years is not so very long a time to get over the hurt that it must have caused? You and DH need to keep talking......

Original poster
Howtodealwiththis · 31/01/2007 10:42

He could be I guess, but I know there is more to it. I don't know, maybe it's because I doubt I'll ever fully trust him again and whenever she rears her ugly head it makes me go wobbly again.

I am pretty sure he still contacts her from time to time. He certainly still sees her at the martial arts club they all attend (which I don't like but decided I had to accept he still went as he is a founder member and if I hadn't then I would have gone stir crazy)

OP posts:
madmarchhare · 31/01/2007 10:45

This must be a real bummer for you, but mary is right, go and hold your head up high, he is there with his family and not her.

Original poster
Howtodealwiththis · 31/01/2007 10:46

He wouldn't talk about her to me! As you say 2 years isn't very long and I can accept that but he thinks I should be totally over it. Which I am for the most part. But when I have mentioned it (a while ago now) all I get in response is 'Well I'm here aren't I'

I wouldn't choose to be in the same room as her and I'm sure she wouldn't with me, but I am an adult and can deal with it...IF he really is committed to me and not worried about her feelings. I will be busy with the boys anyway and certainly wouldn't dream of letting them witness any animosity between myself and this girl. But DH knows that!!!

OP posts:
Hassled · 31/01/2007 10:47

Given what he's put you through then you realy get to call the shots on this one - either you both go or neither do, and if the groom is a good friend of both then he will already know the background and should understand how nightmarish it will be. I really feel for you - was in a similar situation years ago and while I could forgive my ex-DH, I couldn't ever forget it - and I didn't even have shared clubs etc to cope with afterwards. What a nightmare - good luck.

Original poster
Howtodealwiththis · 31/01/2007 10:48

And what about when the boys need to go to bed in the evening? They are his freinds so it will be me with the children and he will be down there with her while I'm not around.

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Original poster
Howtodealwiththis · 31/01/2007 10:51

Hassled, the groom and bride apparently know nothing about it. Well they certainly don;t seem to to me. I said to DH at the time that surely everyone at this club did, but he says not. Someone does though as she recieved an anonymous text telling he r to leave him alone, that we were a lovely happy family and she was wrecking it (and him of course, I know that he is to blame too) I didn't give her number to anyone, so it had to be someone fron the club!

OP posts:
Hassled · 31/01/2007 10:53

If she had any decency at all then she would just not go and save a lot of trouble. Is there anyone you can talk to who could talk to her and ask her not to come?

Hassled · 31/01/2007 10:55

Sorry you've already answered my question!

Original poster
Howtodealwiththis · 31/01/2007 10:57

He is a very secretive man anyway wich is how he pulled the wool over my eyes for that long. I just think he has got better at hiding it from me. He has a password on his phone and his computer, so I would never know if he is up to something now. He also works away from home for most of the week.

OP posts:
Original poster
Howtodealwiththis · 31/01/2007 11:00

But she obviously doesn't have any decency because if she did then she wouldn't have become involved with a man with a wife and nearly 3 children! DS1 really liked her (he hasn't spent any time with her since then) but she really befreinded him knowing that she was potentially breaking his family up! She has no morals at all!!

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ZZMum · 31/01/2007 11:00

PASSWORDS??? After betraying yor trust that is the last thing he should have.. sorry I find that unacceptable.. and your last post makes me sad " I would never know if he is up to something" Sounds like you have a huge problem here.. the wedding is the least of it

Original poster
Howtodealwiththis · 31/01/2007 11:04

I do ZZMum, you are right! At the time I felt a bit trapped as I was pregnant with 2 boys already, but as time goes on and he is so secretive I find myself wondering what the hell I am doing here! I do love him as I wouldn't have stayed (I did tell him to go on numerous occasions, but he wouldn't) but actually sometimes I don't like him much. He seems to think he should know all about my life and what I am doing, but not the other way around.

OP posts:
Original poster
Howtodealwiththis · 31/01/2007 11:15

God, I still have 2 months to go before this wedding! I don't want to still be feeling this way for that long! Don't suppose I should get too het up about it really as I do I may just want to punch her when I see her Mind you I can't even do that, she is in the policeforce!

OP posts:
KezzaG · 31/01/2007 11:28

OMG I cannot beleive you are being so reasonable about this! you sound very calm and collected about it all, which is to your credit, but as someone else said here, now it is time for you to call the shots.

He should be going out of his way to make you feel loved and secure. If my dh had an affair a condition of forgiveness would be that he never saw the woman again, not at clubs , not at weddings. nowhere.

It is such a difficult situation. A very serious chat with him, or even a trip to relate might be appropriate. He doesnt seem to realise what he has done! He may well have been asking about her going to the wedding so he could let you know and prepare you, but the computer passwords and "well Im here arent I" answers are not good for a secure and happy relationship.

meowmix · 31/01/2007 11:36

just to play devils avocado for a moment - she's probably not looking forward to seeing you with DH either. After all either you won the prize she wanted or, if your suspicions are right, she still wants the prize and will be sliced with jealousy at seeing you together.

Either way, either you and DH go or no one goes. Don't let him go alone, he's not a free agent, don't let him - or her - think he is.

DetentionGrrrl · 31/01/2007 14:02

personally, i wouldn't be going and neither would DH. Not very reasoned of me,i know. I would be going mental if he went alone, and if i went i wouldn't be able to resist cornering her and smacking her one.

But that's just me

expatinscotland · 31/01/2007 14:07

Personally, I would separate or divorce this man.

Not over the wedding, but over the his being secretive yet having to have control over and knowledge of your whole life.

Manipulative, lying and calculating.

I'd send him off to the wedding w/o a second thought.

In fact I wouldn't have brought 'her' up again.

Except in the court documents.

This should be a NON-ISSUE for him if his marriage is the no. 1 priority.

The fact that it's an issue at all speaks volumes.

ginnedupmummy · 31/01/2007 14:37

Message withdrawn

Kirton · 31/01/2007 14:45

Well, reading the OP it sounds like he is thinking of your feelings rather than hers e.g. if she IS there then maybe you both wouldn't go. He no doubt knows that for you seeing her is not a good thing. Also he may think that, because he is over her, you should be too (wrong! of course but men tend to forget you can't see into their heads and see what they are feeling.) Agree with ginnedupmummy - if you are his priority he shouldn't have secrets from you BUT I don't think being able to look at texts and emails etc. is the right answer - the key is trust.

You need to find a way to get sure about his feelings for you, imo.

paulaplumpbottom · 31/01/2007 16:22

I personally think he is only thinking of himself. I'm sure it would be uncomfy for you and for her but it certainly will be uncomftorable for him. I would not let him go to this wedding without you. You should go. Make sure you look ravishing.

I am concerned about his him being so secretive. I would have made part of the conditions for staying that you should have access tpo everything. I would nip that in the bud. I'm so sorry that he has done this to you. I know that it makes you feel so lonely and angry. I know what it does to your confidence and self esteem. You need to take control back not just for you but for your boys. You don't want them to grow up thinking that its ok to treat women this way do you?

wannaBeWhateverIWannaBe · 31/01/2007 16:39

It sounds as if there are a lot more issues here than just this woman at the wedding.

Are you absolutely sure that he?s not still seeing her? Because to me, the fact he has put passwords on his computer/phone since this all happened would indicate that he still has something to hide. If he?s not seeing her, I would like to bet that he still has a lot more contact with her than he would like you to know about.

I think you need to have a very open and honest chat, and tell him how you?re feeling and that you want to know that he has nothing to hide from you. If he has a right to know everything about your life, then you have the right to know everything about his, especially as he was the one that cheated.

And I would either, both go to the wedding, or neither go.

deaconblue · 31/01/2007 17:08

Sounds like he's just trying to check the situation out before you get there. Hold your head high, go along and look and feel more fabulous than her

Original poster
Howtodealwiththis · 31/01/2007 17:13

You are all right! Every one of you has a point and I agree with what you are saying.

However leaving him isn't that simple, it never is!

PaulaPB, I totally agree with you when you say he thinking about how he will feel. I do think he is thinking about hhow I will feel, but what worries me is that he is worried about how she will feel too.

I don't honestly know if he is still in contact with her, but I did make myself a deal in that I decided that there was no point in getting myself as wound up as I had been and trying to find things out (because quite frankly if he was still doing it, he would be hiding it even better now) but that if he was, I would either find out eventually as he would slip up, or he would decide that I wasn't for him and leave. Either of those ways would spell the end of us and he knows that.

The secrecy thing does annoy me and we have had discussions about it. But like I have said he doesn't think it should be an issue any more.

I will go to this wedding and I will look good. Like someone has said, he will be there with me and our children, not her. In fact I will insist on us going and let him be uncomfortable, it'll be good for him

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