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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Wedding to go to but DH ex bit on the side will be there...

43 replies

Howtodealwiththis · 31/01/2007 10:36

So, the title says it all really.

DH had an affair which lasted for 6 months (well thats how long I know about anyway) It was 2 1/2 years ago and I was 6 months pregnant with DS3. She knew about me and the boys (even spent time in DS1 company) and knew I was pregnant, but in a letter to him (which was how I found out) somehow still felt she had a right to carry the affair on.

Now I know this was 2 years ago and mostly I have dealt with it, but she seems to pop up now and again.

The wedding is one of mutual friends of theirs, very good friends in DH's case so he will really need to go.

My problem is that the other day I mentioned the wedding and that she would be there and he said he was trying to find out if she would be there before making any decisions. I'm not happy with this as I feel if he was totally committed to me then being there with me shouldn't be an issue! I am not the sort of person to cause any kind of trouble and to be perfectly honest really couldn't be bothered to anyway. I have said my piece to her when I found out about it and have not wanted anything to do with her since.

I don't know, I am rambling a bit now, but it just feels now like he still has feelings for her, in fact I have never been totally sure his feelings went and that he only stayed out of a duty to our boys.

Aaaaarrrrggghhhhh, this is really screwing my head up!!!!!

OP posts:

paulaplumpbottom · 31/01/2007 17:18

That is such a depressing place to be. However you owe it to yourself to find out what the truth is.

HappyDaddy · 31/01/2007 17:26

If I was acting this way to DW she'd have put me in the ground a long time ago.

Callisto · 31/01/2007 20:25

My one piece of advice is this: if you go to the wedding don't take the kids and make sure you get a new outfit, make-up, hair etc and look fantastic.

Otherwise I agree with Expat.

Original poster

Howtodealwiththis · 31/01/2007 20:44

Why do I feel so horrible saying these things about him on here?

On the whole he is a pretty decent man, we have a lovely home, he is a fab dad and he does still actually make me laugh (believe it or not) But as I have said he does have his down sides. And havng an affair is pretty low! I don't think he feels he still needs to prove to me that he is being faithful as it was 2 years ago, but I think I will need him to forever now.

Maybe it's just me being oversensitive about it. I can and do ring him on his mobile whenever I want to, while he is working away, but he seems to think this is good enough for me to see he is being faithful...and guess what, it isn't. But I do understand that really for me it is still early days and that hopefully I will feel better about it in the long run.

I will go to the wedding, like I say, but we will have to take the children. TBH if she is there, she will be reminded that he does have a family (who he refused to leave for her)

I do love him, but this kind of thing eats away at relationships doesn't it. My love for him certainly isn't what it was. Its sad really.

I have to say though, I am not a sad woman sitting around at home while my DH is running around with other women, I am fully aware that he could be (don't think he is, but like I say I can't ever be sure) but I have made the decisions I have made very carefully. I'm not unhappy all of the time it is just when this girl and anything to do with her pops up....understandably.

OP posts:

paulaplumpbottom · 31/01/2007 20:56

I understand that. Early in my marriage I was in your shoes. Its hard to think that people think badly of this man that you love. I also understand what you mean about him being wonderful in any other way. You still need to make sure he is faithful. There can be a good outcome, you can trust him again, but not if he is still keeping things from you.

lazyline · 31/01/2007 21:07

Whilst it takes two to tango, and this woman is as responsible for the affair as your husband is, the responsibility for betraying you was down to him.

You talk a lot about her decency for being with a married man, showing her he has a family at the wedding, how she felt she had the right to carry the affair on. Is it easier for you to be angry at her than at your husband? It is his responsibility to think about you and the kids, it's not all her fault.

It follows also, that it is up to him to prove that he is trustworthy again after an affair, if he can't, how can he expect you to feel easy in trusting him ever again? Passwords on computers mean he feels he has something to hide. From his wife! A password would be understandable in an office or a shared house, but you should be asking yourself what is on there that he doesn't want you to see.

I don't know if I could face her, going to the wedding, but then I think it would be worse if he were there alone. I would be sitting at home thinking about what was going on. If you take the kids, at least you have an excuse to get out early if you need.

calebsmummy · 31/01/2007 21:19

lazyline, I have said further down the thread that he is most certainly to blame too. But equally I feel as she did know about us. I know I would never ever knowingly see a man who had a wife and family. Also after it ended she found lots of excuses to contact him time and time again.

calebsmummy · 31/01/2007 21:20

Ooops forgot to change my name, ah well

calebsmummy · 31/01/2007 21:23

The computer password I kind of understand as it is is work PC but I still don't know the password, but the phone..well...

Anyway, I am going to the wedding whether he likes it or not. (Shame to miss it really, it's in a castle!) I will have fun with my boys and totally ignore her

paulaplumpbottom · 31/01/2007 21:25

I agree with you. Its your husbands fault certainly but she carries some responsibility to. She becomes at fault the minute she knew you were married and still carried on.

calebsmummy · 31/01/2007 22:14

She knew before. She knew exactly what she was getting in to. Just thought of another problem re wedding. DS1 knows nothing of the affair and will speak to her if he sees her, don't know if I will handle that well. But I guess I will have to so as to protect DS from any bad feeling. Hopefully she will have the sense to keep her distance.

tenbygirl · 31/01/2007 22:20

Before I was seeing my now hubby I was engaged to someone else. Sometimes there are social events that I know he will probably be at. I do try and find out beforehand if he will be there or not as I do get a bit worked up about seeing him.

Not sure why, I don't have feelings for him anymore, in that I would never want to start things back up with him. But it still feels very funny seeing him and I need to be prepared. Does that make sense?

So maybe its the same for your hubby. Or maybe he just thought you might want to know.

madamez · 01/02/2007 00:25

Your DH is still with you. You say yourself he has many good points including being a good father. Bear in mind that the wedding is about the happiness of the couple getting married and the good wishes of their friends who want to celebrate them. It's not about your former marital difficulties, and the fact that your DH had sex with this woman doesn't mean that she's barred from all social occaisons featuring her friends that he attends (she had sex with someone! She didn't massacre hordes of people, she isn't exiled from human society.)

Get yourself something nice to wear, read a good confidence boosting book and enjoy the day.

lazyemma · 01/02/2007 08:18

I agree she shares some responsibility, but not equal responsibility by any means. He fucked someone else whilst you were 6 months pregnant. Her actions were wrong, but his were unforgiveable. And the arrogance of him! "I'm here now, aren't I" - as if his continued presence in your relationship alone is something you should be grateful for. If I were in your situation, I'd be worried about him, not her.

calebsmummy · 01/02/2007 08:32

I have said I will happily go along to the wedding to celebrate the marriage of our friends and have also stated I wouldn't dream of causing any bad feeling at such a special occasion, not just for our friends but because my children would be there. I would never ruin someones special day for them.

My point was that DH seems to be worried about us being there together (although he really should know me better by now) and that I find it hard to accept that their feelings for each other have gone.

I accept fully that she should not be involved in our friends social occasions and didn't ever say she should be, but it will be difficult for me to see her there. It wasn't so long ago!

Thank you to all of you who have replied. I do feel better about going now, I was just going to send DH, but I won't let him go alone now. I know if we are there, there would be no way he would do anything with her at all.

We have 3 wonderful boys who we both adore and who will so enjoy spending time in a castle! The groom and bride have stated in their invites that they want the children to have a magical time and take the memories through life with them as they would have loved it when they were young, which I think is so lovely. I will be so busy with the children (smallest are 4 and 2, so will need lots of attention) that I won't have time to worry about who is there.

It'll all be fine.

calebsmummy · 01/02/2007 08:34

Ooops that meant to say she should be involved in our friends social occasions not should not!

calebsmummy · 01/02/2007 08:37

It started before I was pregnant and finished when I was 6 months pregnant. She was very persistent and I knew she was after him for a good year before that! Hopefully she has moved on and is with someone else so all will be ok.

paulaplumpbottom · 01/02/2007 10:05

Make sure he helps out with the kids to.

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