V recent death of my mum and family rift - urgent advice needed

[Pavlovthecat]

Its not child related, but I have a 7 month old who is affected by it.
My mu died last week. My sister is executor, the will was quite non-specific. My brother suggested selling all the leftover furniture and possessions that no-one wanted, and whatever was made, split between the grandchildren for trust fund. My sister, says that mum's wishes were to go to a specific charity and although initially considered my brothers suggestion, changed her mind, told us in no uncertain terms the things left would not be sold, but would go as mum directed. She weidled the 'executor' card, said she would go to a solicitors, and got my brother back up. Cut a long story short, as I had initially agreed with my brothers suggestion I have been roped into the middle, my brother has been accused of being greedy, my sister considers both of us as vultures and the pressure is immense. I am the youngest and suspect this is the blowout of a longer standing issue with my siblings. However my sister has always been controlling and has had issues with my mum which I feel she is trying to appease by acting this way.
To top it off, my little one has, possibly an ear infection (tbc by GP tomorrow), the funeral is yet to take place, I have to deal with all of this. To top it off I cannot seem to cry, although I felt utterly stressed to the eyeballs. Help?

I am sorry to hear about your loss. Does your mother's will specify her wishes regarding charity? What does the will say?

Seems very early to be making decisions regarding property. Can you hang on for a bit until emotions aren't quite so raw?

Sweetheart, so sorry to hear about this. What would you be happy with?

Since it seems a grey area could you sugest they do both. Sell the items, split the money between the grandchildren and the charity. Seems the most fair thing given that there are no more specific details for you. I hope you have something of your choice to remember her by and let the squabbles continue without you. Its not what your mum would want and, in the long run, its more important that you each have your own memories.

Hope you get on ok at the doctors tomorrow with your baby.

I wouldn't worry if you haven't cried yet. You are probably just holding it in for a time you feel its ok to release. I would guess that because of the stress surrounding this last week you have taken on a coping strategy that is holding you up. Hope it works out for you.

Keys have, apparantly got to be handed in Monday week, and its all that has been talked about, I guess its their way to deal with issues. My mum did not own her own house and my sister does not wish to pay any extra rent on the property. Also wants it sorted so she does not have to deal with it any more.
I personally would put it all in storage and deal with it later, but as youngest, and as had been pointed out, am not the executor, seem to have no opinion of worth. My sister considers me 16, not 30.
My brother is just being practical, army man who has learned to deal with emotions differently than us.
I am going back at weekend to collect my treasured items, but what I have, which I think perhaps the others do not, is the memory of a great relationship with my mum. My sister has said/done some horrible things in the (recent) past to my mum and I think this is driving her. But I cannot get through to her, and I am typical little sister, a coward, I hate conflict.
What I want, out of this - for my sister and my brother to behave like my older brother and sister, to stop fighting, to get through the funeral without tension. I wont get that.
I have sent them an email, telling them that I love them both, how I feel about my loss and that I do not wish to discuss this with them any more (flight, rather than fight, i beleive).
The property, if it causes this much stress is not worth it, I agree.

The will, says some personal effects to individuals. The estate to be split equally, and whatever is left to be disposed of accordingly by executor, or words to that effect. Nothing about charity. My brothers attitude, now is, he will take whatever he is 'entitled to' by virtue of being mothers son. Her money, her hard work. What he chooses to do with it is his business. Lots of anger there. It was suggested, by me, that we sold it all and split the share for us to do as we chose (trust fund for grandchildren, charity etc). My sisters response 'nothing is going to be sold').
Its tough thats for sure.

You poor thing, big hugs. Agree with other posters: take what items you want for sentimental reasons and back off with regard to the rest of it. It's not worth fighting over, and it's not worth spoiling your happy memories of your mum over. One of the most universal truths about people is we can't change their behaviour, we can only change our reactions to it: don't let your siblings stick you in the middle of their fight.

How much do you think it is worth? Did she leave any actual savings that are significantly more than the cost of the funeral? If not, and there isn't much money in it, then maybe you could let it go. Your sister is being horrible, but deaths bring out the worst in people, they really do

Madamez, thank you so much for that. I think that, just found it hard to vocalise it. I wish I could make them understand. I want to be there for my sister, it has been hard for her, but I cannot make her see sense. I know I never will.
I have two pictures and some tiles from Prague (where I took mum when I got promoted to thank her for being my mum) to collect, and thats it. I have some other momentos and do intend to leave the rest for them to do as they wish. My sister has all the photos as I studidly thought this would not happen and had suggested in goodwill that she hang on to them until we were in a space where we could sit down with a bottle of wine and look at them, have a good cry and remember mum. I feel I may not see them again...lots of old photos.

Oh, did not mention. My brother gets married in 3 weeks. He brought it forward as we hoped/thought mum would be here for it, her illness took her quicker than we thought.

Aloha, its not the money I need advice with. Its what to do about my brother and sister. The savings are pretty clear, split straight. Not that its important. The property is mentioned as its what has caused the rift between the two, and keep using me as a pawn 'she (me) said you said this' 'I just spoke to (me) and she agrees we should do this' 'you both had your hands in her jewellry box before I had a look in' (after she put it in front of us and said she would let us choose some special peices, she did not wear that kind of jewellry so was not fussed), like she almost deliberately put us in a position which she could use later to get her own way.
Its not that I dont want the stuff to go to charity, I just did not want it to be like this.

And you are right, death does bring out the horrible side of people, but its not a side I have not seen, its just a side my mum has always been able to handle for us.

Aloha, that first line in first response sounded short, not meant to be, sorry.

It's OK. My dad died just before Christmas and I sadly have first hand knowledge of how horrible family can be. It is really depressing tbh. I wish you well and hope you cope with the funeral etc. I found I felt much better after the funeral was over. It was cathartic.

Aloha, I am so sorry for your own loss. You must be feeling awful too. Have you resolved your issues with your family or are they ongoing? I hope not.

Jajas, thank you for this. It is much needed. I had not expected such response, or such support from people. It is good to know I have not been alone in this, that others feel the same.
My own personal emotions, seperate from the family crap, are just so flat. I think (know) a big part of me is releived she is no longer suffering, and I feel awful for that, and cannot get the stuff she went through from my head.

I go back to work in 3 weeks after maternity leave and annual leave ends (plus 10 days compassionate leave). I expect it will hit me when I am running a group/in a meeting!

Pavlov, I don't feel I can make any suggestions about your family relationships, or disposing of assets etc, but I do feel you have a right to insist that your sister keeps all the photos, or passes them to you to be sorted out later.

Are you really concerned that she might dispose of them in an unfeeling way, to make a point or something? If so please ask her for them directly - they will mean so much to everybody later. Much sympathy for your loss, and good luck in dealing with the fallout.

Not that I think she will dispose of them, but feel she will be possessive about them, like they are hers, and if she continues to shut me out, I dont know if there will ever be a time when we can sit and look at them, share them...but maybe, as they say, time heals....just does not seem so now.

I am off to bed now. It has been an emotional day (this thread started after the final conversation).

I just want to say thank you to everyone for your advice and support. Not expected but very very welcome, all of it.

Mumsnet it a great place, we are very lucky it is here.

Myabe I will pick up on any additions tomorrow, I feel this will be ongoing, and continued support, if available would be great until I leave for London/Kent on Friday (live in Devon) for mum's funeral on Monday.
Have a good night everyone.

Poor you, I'm sorry about your mum. Deaths do bring out the worst in people, Aloha's right.

My advice would be to MASSIVELY stay out of any discussions about your sister's relationship with your mum or her relationship with your brother, just refuse to discuss it. It can't help anything and if she's looking for a fight she'll pick one about it. But I agree that you're entitled to ask for photos and personal stuff to be kept.

Be kind to yourself. Feeling relief is normal as are all sorts of difficult and painful feelings, bereavement is tough.

CRUSE are a very good organisation with regards to bereavement. Their web address is www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk. I would suggest you contact them.

I think you are in shock hence no tears so far.

Is there only one executor? Is there a solicitor involved at all - they can give dispassionate advice, which can be helpful. Go a bit easy on her - I was put in the position on being a sole executor, the other one having died after the will was written - it isn't easy trying to carry out someone's wishes - you want to ring them and ask them what to do, then are hit by the reality that you can't.

Pavlov, have not read all your thread.

My mum died in May, and it is very hard, esp with a lo. However we have done nothing as yet with her house or belongings. Why do you have to rush into things? As I have said i haven't read all the thread.

I think you just need to absorb the shock of it all before you think about belongings etc.
I know at first you feel you have to sort everything out, but it is v emotionally draining. Someone suggested storage which seems best solution to me. I think you need to take your time, I'm still not ready to deal with my mum's stuff tbh, very upsetting.
Also you may remember other momentoes you want in a few weeks, I found this happened a lot.

You have my thoughts and sympathy at the moment you really do. Your whole family will be in shock, and that is not a good time to sort out belongings etc.

I would love to wait to sort out her belongings, really I would, but I have been told by my sister, that as executioner, along with her husband, that whatever is not taken by Thursday week will be given to charity as mum apparantly wished. She wanted it all done before the funeral on monday because she does not want to go back to the house (it is a housing association place so that why keys will be handed back), and does not wish to pay any more rent on it. The only reason that she is not clearing it all out before next thursday is because my brother has told her that she is leave it exactly where it all is until he can come back to get his things. My sister told me that she has had no choice but to 'pull rank' against my brother, and if necessary against me, he sought legal advice immediately on monday after row with my brother, no attempt to sort things out as a family first.
However, my brother is now very upset and angry, so my sister has told us both that we can help ourselves to what we want over the next week, and on our conscience be it if it is sold, she told me that my brother is Greedy with a capital G, that my mother warned her to watch out for scavangers, that we all had our hands in her jewellry box before she could turn around (she gave us the box as we sat on the sofa and told us that she had already taken the items she wished to keep, and that mum wanted us to take some of her treasured peices).

I do understand this is hard for her, it is also hard as she was with mum when she died, and that she has had a lot of guilt about her past behaviour against mum, but she has totally locked me out, and I am having to cope with this on my own (as mentioned, brother is still lipped army man, keeps his feelings bottled up). She has been exceptionally poisonous, and told me that all we both care about is the money, and lots of stuff about how mum would view this etc etc.

I was meant to be going up today and she told me not to (taking Isabella to Drs and its a 6 hour drive). She said this before her last argument with brother. We had agreed I would go up thursday and get there for afternoon. When I spoke to her yesterday, trying to be neautral, she told me she is seeing mum on thursday, so does not wish to see me, and that she will catch up at the weekend, possibly friday if she goes to mums house. She expects me to come down anyway on thursday and wait for her, with my baby, on my own, amongst my mums stuff until is ready.

Sorry, very long mail today, I woke up feeling awful, got a cold, did not sleep and worried about all this.

Darling, I just popped in to see how things are. What a time you're having!

I think you did the right thing emailing and explaining you don't want to be part of this ugly behaviour. If it made you happier, you could always ask the solicitors to intervene with the will and ensure that the estate is divided fairly. That would probably mean they would oversee a sale and split the proceeds between you and your siblings. Maybe that would give you peace of mind that it had been dealt with fairly and squarely and then no-one would have cause to comment.

To all of the rest of us, its a reminder that wills need to be detailed and specific to spare loved ones having this to worry over.

Hope you collect your tiles from Prague from her home(they sound fantstic, a wonderful gift to your mum and a great memory)and I reckon you have more happiness to gain from standing back. Good luck sweetheart. How's your DD?