V recent death of my mum and family rift - urgent advice needed

[Pavlovthecat]

Its not child related, but I have a 7 month old who is affected by it.
My mu died last week. My sister is executor, the will was quite non-specific. My brother suggested selling all the leftover furniture and possessions that no-one wanted, and whatever was made, split between the grandchildren for trust fund. My sister, says that mum's wishes were to go to a specific charity and although initially considered my brothers suggestion, changed her mind, told us in no uncertain terms the things left would not be sold, but would go as mum directed. She weidled the 'executor' card, said she would go to a solicitors, and got my brother back up. Cut a long story short, as I had initially agreed with my brothers suggestion I have been roped into the middle, my brother has been accused of being greedy, my sister considers both of us as vultures and the pressure is immense. I am the youngest and suspect this is the blowout of a longer standing issue with my siblings. However my sister has always been controlling and has had issues with my mum which I feel she is trying to appease by acting this way.
To top it off, my little one has, possibly an ear infection (tbc by GP tomorrow), the funeral is yet to take place, I have to deal with all of this. To top it off I cannot seem to cry, although I felt utterly stressed to the eyeballs. Help?

Hey frumpy. DD is good, does not have an ear infection like I thought, just a horrid cold. Through her green runny nose, blocked up airways, runny eyes and cough, she is still grinning from ear to ear at strangers. Just been to the supermarket to get her some fish, which she will have for the first time today and she always manages to get at least two people stop and coo over her. Today, she had three older couples, and two men in their mid-30s in awe of her. I am so lucky, she is my rock.

My mum had the will sent to my sisters just before she died. She had it released, or something like that. Anyway, she also changed her will recently, the new will signed on 17th Jan 2007. (my brother was originally joint executor, then it changed to my sister's husband, although this was what she had planned for a little while due to my brother living so far away in inverness). My mum was unofficially living with my sister for the last two months (and on and off during the year), I have no idea why she did not instruct a solicitor to manage the will. I have no idea what solicitors dealt with it, do they keep copies?

Anyway, as it stands now. I was going back tomorrow to spend some time with my sister. She does not wish to see me so I will not go tomorrow. My partner was coming up on his own on saturday from Devon to London/Kent, however we are now going to travel up on Friday late after work so I do not have to face any hostilities on my own.
As far as my sister is concerned, she will have to find a way to resolve this herself. I will there for her, if she asks me to be. I will be there for my brother too if he asks. No-one will be there for me, even though I have asked for it. So I will deal with this on my own.
I am taking as many artifacts that remind me of my mum, and a small television, and stereo to play Cds in my DDs room. The rest, well whatever my brother does not take, its up to the executor to deal with, as it has been thrust in my face so forcefully.
I am not prepared to rubbish my mother's memory by getting solicitors involved in dividing up some things that are worth very little.

Oh BTW, I think this might have all started with my brother taking a plant that my mother had 'earmarked' for my sister, which he did not know about, and which had in fact been offered to all of us at various points over the year. She decided after this that it was too costly to share the cost of some words in the hearse and a joint bouquet. Me and my brother are doing it between us and my sister is sorting herself out. She told us she thought it better we did our own.

So, for now at least, I have resolved some things. I will not discuss furniture, possessions, the will or this argument with either of them. They can eat each other up. I have thought long and hard about the negative things said about me, and I beleive I have good self-reflection skills. I see that my intentions were, and have always been honourable towards my mum and my family and the insults have said more about my sisters characer than mine. My weakness is I find it hard to stick up for myself and give in too easily when I think I am right, means people think I am easy to bully.

As they say, where there's a will there's a family. I'm not in the UK, but I'd have thought there would be a copy of a will with the solicitors, especially if details had been changes recently. (My solicitor keeps copies of all wills she does in a fireproof cupboard). Could you try putting up a legal question - someone must know what rights you have to see your mum's will, surely with probate etc. it is a public kind of document like a planning application. Would storage be possible, it isn't that expensive until emotions are a bit lessened. Take care of yourself and dd.

If your mother's will doesn't specify anything about a charity then your sister doesn't have the right to just give things to charity, even if she is the executor. If all the beneficiaries wanted to vary the terms of what the will says then you could execute a deed of variation, but as your brother doesn't want to that won't be a flyer.

Really, I would be inclined to tell your brother and sister that you don't care what happens to the stuff but that as they obviously do you suggest that they both take legal advice rather than get drawn into an argument about it. If your mother's will was properly drawn up by a solicitor there is almost certainly one clear legal position on what should happen to her estate and all that is going to be gained by three not-legally-qualified people trying to second-guess her wishes is a lot of grief. A solicitor will be able to tell you all very clearly what the position is and what your sister can and can't do with your mother's possessions.

I think I may seek legal advice, but not sure if I will do anything with it. Thanks lemonade. Someone also said to me that the will could be contested anyway as she changed it just prior to her passing away with a terminal illness, and was being cared for by her daughter.
I could go down this route, but it will only split the family even more, and make my sister even more convinced I am just interested in the money, the amount of split I would get from my brother selling it all, would probably not even cover the flowers, so its not about that, its about us talking as a family, and coming up with solutions together, and having a future as a family. I cannot see that happening right now.

Oh and my brother gets married in 3 weeks. Bummer eh, likely wont have his sister at the wedding as well as his mother.

Pavlov, I feel like crying for you, you are being so brave at such a terrible time.

Try to seek legal avice just to delay things, it doesn't mean anything bad, just that you need time to gather your thoughts. Otherwise can you not explore the storage option?

My sister wont allow it. I cannot drive a van (new driver), and due to being on maternity leave until next friday, have not a bean until payday!!
I am sodding all the goods, apart from what means something. mum did not want this.

And i don't feel brave, i feel like a coward for not being able to face my sister properly about this. I am dreading the funeral, I so desperately want to greive for my mum, but right now everything else seems to be in the way, mainly the dispute between the siblings, them drawing me into it regardless of what I want/say, it feels like I am losing/lost my whole family.

I really dont know what to say that may be of help, but didnt want to read and run. This must be a horrible time for you. I think satying out of the feud is a good idea. All the emotions are so raw at the moment. As another poster said, you need to be kind to yourself atm. I'm so sorry for your loss too [[[[[[hugs]]]]]]]

thanks swifterella, hug needed right now! DH is at work

When it comes to the funeral, you grieve your way and take the day for you. If you allow your siblings to interrupt your private goodbye it will stay there forever. You do it the way you want to, plan it and stick to it. Do not feel bad for anyone. This is important for you. They too have the right to do it their way and if they decide to bicker and compete, so be it, don't be a part of it and you will always feel happy with your part in it and will always have a peace with that. Divorce yourself from feeling that you have to fix it for anyone but you. They are responsible adults. You are proving that you have the most level head. Keep going, you are doing marvellously xxx.

Frumpy - thanks for that, it makes me feel loads better. Really it does. I feel calmer now I have reached a decision about how I am going to handle things. It is running away, but its all I can do to cope right now. My little DD is poorly with cold, as am I, and I go back to work from Mat leave in three weeks (well, actually next week but I have been given some compassionate leave), and its going to be traumatic enough to leave her, so I need to keep my strength up now for her right now, and over the next few weeks so me and my DP can cope with the wrench of working again.

You are dealing with so much. You keep strong lovely girl xxx.

I just spoke to my sister. Me & my brother have until tuesday to sort out what we want, sister has organised van from homeless org to come get the rest on tuesday. Funeral on monday. So little time to even sort out personal effects. I am going up late friday, will take the things I want, go to a hotel for the rest of the time there.
Lets face it. What a f**ing cow. Have tried to be reasonable and make excuses for her, blah blah blah, but honesty is called for, at least for this second.

I haven't read all the thread, but I know that when my dh's mother died and he was an executor, it led to all sorts of tension and rifts between him and his brother/sister. I don't think that's particularly helpful, but you are not alone in this and it is inevitable that losing your mum is going to have a huge emotional impact on you all.

Can you get a friend to help you and your brother clear all the stuff out into storage so that you can sort through it at your leisure? It does sound like your sister is being a bit harsh, but getting into a legal dispute is unlikely to be beneficial for you all.

The only other thing I could suggest to maintain the status quo is to get legal advice, as you have mentioned, and get the solicitor to write a letter saying that there are grounds for considering the will to be invalid and she is not to do anything with the property until further consideration has been given to the position. Mind you, getting a solicitor involved will probably only make it a more difficult and tense situation.

TBH, it sounds as though you personally have quite a bit on your plate right now and, if I were you, I would focus on your own family unit. Remember that your mum will live on in your memory and possessions are only reminders and whatever happens to the majority of your mum's stuff, no-one can take away your memories. I would tell your brother and sister to get on with it and leave you out of their arguing. There are times when you have to think about yourself first and this might be one of them.

Hope that things improve with time...

prob with moving stuff into storage...my brother lives in inverness, I live in devon and mum's house is in London. My sister lives in Kent, so can easily come and clear the place on tues, as she is doing. there is not enough time to do anything to stop it.

And mumpbump, your right. I have a family who do need me. They need my attention.

I am going to lighten up I think. Thats what I need to do.

I will put kettle on for millionth time and get on the floor with my LO and play with her new bricks.

She is currently in her bouncy chair sucking on her toes and blowing raspberries.

Aww, that is so cute! It's a truly enchanting age.

Pavlov firstly I am so sorry to hear about your loss I cant begin to imagine what you are going through.

Having read most of this thread one thing strikes me, I do wonder if maybe your sister was jealous of your relationship with your mum, from what you say it was a close one and hers wasnt maybe she sees this as a chance to prove something, no idea what though, because what ever your mums wishes were concerning her property I am sure you can all three of you agree it is not the situation that is happening at the moment, if you feel strong enough maybe your should say that to both your brother and sister.

In your position I would take the things that matter to you and leave it at that, nobody can take away the most important thing that your mother left you with, the wonderful memories.

I really hope that the funeral is not to traumatic, not sure what else to say loads of luck to you

KVG - I am so sorry foe the heartache you have had to deal with. It sounds awful, and it just seems that people can be so so cruel when emotions are raw. Sounds like with your step siblings they were awful all of the time. I am truly trying to see this as greif causing this, but I having a (cynical) thought keep coming back that times like this in fact show people's true colours as their guards are lowered. Oh I don't know. I just could not behave so horribly to those I love when they need me most, regardless of what the past involved (never been a close family apart from me and my mum). Thank you so much for the kind words. My relationship was very very special with my mum. I think perhaps she had made all the mistakes already with the others and had more time with me (6 years between me and my brother, 9 between me and my sister, and older estranged brother - lets not go there).

Helen - god can you read my mind? I have had these thoughts almost exactly. And you are indeed right. (she once told me about two years ago after an arguement with mum that it was obvious I was the best present in the shop, said in a flipant way, jokey but it hit home then) She has something to prove, to herself I think, a need to feel that she was the one who knew mum best, who was closest. I shared everything with my mum, my fears, my excitement, she knew first when I found out was expecting my LO, she was going to give me away at my wedding in September, was going to be at the birth but was too ill. I was proud she was my mum and told her often, before she was ill. My sister treated her like a burden (she lived closest to her), and did not really seem to like her much (not that she really likes anyone).

Thanks for the wonderful words from everyone. It helps me to stay strong, and not worry too much about my current lack of emotion. xx

Apologies for the typo's, my keyboard is playing up, its an optical wireless thingy and is c.r.a.p

KVG - yes I do see your point there, and am desperately trying to beleive this. However, in my sister's case, this is not the first time this behaviour has reared its ugly head.

However, on a positive note, spoke to her yesterday, she did not mention stuff, I did not mention stuff, She went to see my mum and we talked about that, and said we would meet at the weekend. She said she would like that...fine as long as we steer clear of the material conversations.

Anyway, I am going to my mum's house this evening, going to be weird as I am having to sort through her stuff and decide what I want and don't want/what I can fit in the car. Main items - My grandmother's china set - is mine anway just never collected it due to being a student before now, two pictures that I bought my mu for her 6oth birthday (anyone heard of Linda Garland? Narcissus and Dawn), the tiles I mentioned and her roman history books (she was about to start a history degree, loved roman stuff). If I cant take anything else, it does not matter.

Loggin in about one hour. I wont be back on until some time next week, maybe I will send a post to let you know how things went.

I just wanted to that everyone for the great support, advice, guidance, kind words and understanding over this last horrible week. It has helped me find a way to resolve things in my mind a little and give me some strength to face the next few days knowing I am, or at last beleiving, I am doing the right thing. Take care, have a great weekend. xxxx

Sorry typo, again - 'thank' not 'that!

Hi sweetheart, how did it all go?