soon to be second wife, second best?

[Ithurtssomuch]

Im due to get married very soon, have been engaged for 2 years. Its both our second marriages. Oh no children from his first,he was young, she cheated and left him after 7 years of marriage. Mine, 1 child from first marriage, he cheated and left me.
However now weve decided to actually tie the knot, im left feeling it being his second marriage is making me second best or inferior. The number of times ive heard "its different second time around....... " "you dont want anything big as youve done it before" "no gift list as its different second time around...."
it leaves you with some sort of inferiority complex that some how people dont see it as important this time...... i think the problem is everyone loved his ex wife..... they had been together "forever" first love etc..... and some how i dont match up even though she left by cheating and he never had children with her and weve had a child together.....
am i being daft? What do i do? Do i walk down the aisle feeling im in someones shadow?

Im very glad oh is very different to my exh he was such a horrid person looking back. Im glad this time feels different for me.

The stuff about not doing it second time around I would take to mean because it's your second time as opposed to because you are his second wife. More you have been there done that and maybe want something a bit different?

I'm a second wife, I hadn't been married before so we did have a big wedding, not in a church but the white dress, bridesmaids, gift lists etc, because it was what we both wanted.

I agree with the pp who said separate out the two things marriage and the wedding and work out what sort of wedding suits you and your fiancé. If you both want the full wedding stuff then do it, and enjoy it, ignore the people who tell you that you shouldn't. If you wanted something different do that. It's your day do it the way you both want.

I also agree with the pp who said do you think of your soon to be dh as second best? Clearly not, so your obviously not. Doesn't matter what his friends and family thought of the ex wife, you are his choice and that's all that matters

Right, so is him 'putting things in a box' him minimising his mum's comments, or refusing to discuss his ex in depth, or what? I am struggling to understand what you think he should be doing that he isn't doing. If it's more an issue of you processing the fact that you are, in fact, his second wife, that is perfectly natural and will come with time. As long as he doesn't compare you to his ex, you don't have an actual problem.

Actually, it IS different second time round. Do you know why?

Because it's better.

Enjoy your wedding, enjoy your new husband and enjoy your new life together. Don't let silly people ruin it with their petty comments and jealousy. Look at your MIL - is she happily married? Did she have the wedding she wanted? Is she feeling a bit hard done by? Is she losing her PFB AGAIN? There are all sorts of reasons why MIL is being spiteful but these are her reasons, and not yours.

Have a lovely wedding 💑💕🎁🎀🎂🎉🎊🐰🐰

Sounds like a MIL problem to me. Leave her out of things and do what your want. If you feel a big wedding would help mark out that this is a big event then have a big wedding. We had quite a large do for what was my first wedding but DH's second. It was lovely and I've felt much more settled and accepted by everyone since being married (not just some new fling of DH's). Having all our friends and family together made it seem important.

There were a few sensitive issues in wedding planning - I inadvertently suggested music that he'd used last time, so of course we ditched that. And I suggested he didn't use the same best man.

And actually we did talk through how it felt for him to be making / hearing promises that hadn't been kept last time. Like yours, my DH was cheated on, but still useful to reflect what you've learned and to feel confident that this time that it really will last.

I had similar worries to you before the wedding but I've not felt at all "second" in the marriage itself. Just happy and settled

OP, I think in that case you need a strategy for dealing with your MIL.

DM has been a second wife twice
1st time (to my dad) - very much the preferred wife I think, first time didn't work out so well at all, I believe she had ulterior motives.

Second time - to a widower - very much lived in shadow of first wife.

Surely, he may be feeling the same if it is his second market usage too.

Market usage = marriage !

I totally agree with Vanillasugar

However give some thought to both of your dealing mechanisms. The its in the past so why are you bringing it up now is extremely healthy for the person who has it but can be toxic to those around them if they don't have the same approach.

I think you need to ask yourself why you feel inferior to the first wife. Do you have low self esteem generally? Is there a reason why you feel you are not good enough as a wife?

I'd say you're level pegging as it's 2nd time for the both of you. Quite frankly I'd be insulted by any comparison to the cheating Ex and if his MIL thinks the sun shines out of her backside then she obviously doesn't care that her son was hurt by her.

Keep your distance from his mum if she's going to be a pain in the neck like this. You don't need to declare that your staying away, just be tactful.

The wedding you have is what you want. Forget what others think or say.

"Why are you always praising X when she hurt your son badly?"

Could you say that?

OP, my second wedding was much better than my first! I had big regrets over some of the wedding choices and didn't like the dress in the end.

This time I had a fantastic dress and had everything just right. I felt really lucky to "do it again" and get it just right this time!

For gifts people opted to give us money to pay for our honeymoon or any home improvements.

We had a complete blast and all these years later I remember it with great contentment. After my first wedding I felt a sense of ill-ease even when looking through the album, it just wasn't quite right.

So a second wedding doesn't need to be a hidden-away affair at all. Not unless you want it to be.

Second wedding for both of us, next year.

Me: had a fabulous wedding - all the trimmings that I wanted, lots of people, not cheap. Wouldn't change a thing except the husband

Him: perfect day with his perfect woman, smaller and cheaper than mine but plenty of friends and traditional stuff. He also wouldn't change a thing - and as a widower, not even the wife. He's showed me his wedding album and they look like they had a fabulous time.

Our wedding will different. Not because we regret anything first time round - just because tastes change, opportunities change. (he got married before anyone ever though of dove releases etc.!)

It is different second time. Not better not worse - just different.

3 years ago I married for a 3rd time, yes I had some comments, especially from my dad and MIL, but to me it was the best day of my life. I was finally marrying my solemate. To silence the critics I actually walked down the aisle to "At Last" by Etta James.

I am a second wife as well there's a lot of us about! Married 34 years. We had a small wedding ,I think people did then ,and my MiL cried throughout because it wasn't in church. I certainly wouldn't ask your MiLs opinion it's up to you what you have on your day. I think one advantage is you know what's important because you are that bit older .Whats important is you and your husband and your son xx Have a lovely day and future together xx

Thankyou, it does feel different. I do wonder if time will help. Weve hardly rushed it with waiting 2 years from engagement before booking anything. Jacquettawoodville i so wish id have thought of that, would have definitely said it at the time i was just gob smacked that yet again i was being told it was inferior.
I suppose after i was cheated on and left me with a 14 month old baby 4 days before christmas i have had low self esteem about my abilities as a wife.

I think its really helpful to hear from the second wives out there that once you hit the marriage part you feel you.
Im sure were meant to be and have found who we should have been with years ago it just took us a practice run to find each other.

Sounds like you're determined to over-think to within an inch of its life!

People on here have given great advice, you'd be advised to change your whole way of approaching things by being happy in the moment and avoid all the anxiety at a time when you could be very happy.

Have you considered mindfulness? It's a good way of living in the moment and avoiding overanalysis about things.

all the best and hope it all works out for you

But it's your second marriage too!

You can't change the past but you can learn from it. You've both learned from marriages that weren't great , so you can work hard to make this one strong and happy. There's more likelihood that this marriage will be happier - you're both older, wiser etc.
The advice that a wedding is not a marriage is really good. Do what you both want for your wedding and if anyone is giving you grief, cut them off the list.
Is there a potential mil issue here? The only way mil issues get solved happily is if the son is in a united front with the wife. You need to talk to your husband about this. Do it at a relaxed time and keep it calm 'when mil says X I feel y - I feel we need to respond like this... Can we do this together?' Etc. My dh has sat his mum down (when I wasn't there) and explained how her critical comments make us feel. You have to have that united front.
So enjoy your wedding. If you want a big do or a quiet do, make it happen. Set polite but firm boundaries down with the mil from day 1. Jacquetta's phrase is great.

Does this come down to MIL saying hurtful things and you keeping quiet because you don't want to offend her, don't want to upset her, don't want to upset OH, don't want to make a fuss etc?

It may not be the case but I often find people will keep quiet to spare someone else and they end up going through the ringer when all they should be doing is not keeping quiet. Worry about their own feelings, why should they spare the feelings of someone who is not sparing the feelings of them?

If that is the case OP, instead of bottling things up, driving yourself mental, tell MIL to shut the fuck up and if she wants to keep comparing you to a cheating bitch that broke her sons heart then that says more about her than it does about you. If she keeps on tell her in no uncertain terms that shes no longer welcome at your house when you are there.

Or, my favoured suggestion as always, poke her in the soft parts with a sharp pencil.

Hope things get better op and don't think of 2nd time as 2nd best, think the first time as rehersal and second time is the real deal.

Oh course you can have the wedding you want.

I know two women whose second marriages were full on affairs and they are both so happy with their second husbands. Admittedly both men had never been married before.

At one of the ceremonies I actually cried as both the bride and groom cried, they are both so perfect for each other.

Do what they hell you want.
You mil sounds like a nightmare and it speaks volumes about her If she things a cheater makes a great dil.

Dh and I are both each other's second marriages. Both had youthful first marriages where we grew apart from our spouses- his ended when she had an affair, mine ended after it petered out to nothingness. No children on either side.

We had a huge wedding with all the trimmings- far more extravagant then our first weddings as we had lots more money to throw at it! It was perfect. We didn't ask for anything but got lots of lovely gifts- vouchers mainly, and bottles of champagne. It was fab. All our family and friends knew how badly we'd both been hurt before and were overjoyed at our happiness and wanted to celebrate that with us.

I have never, ever felt second best, and neither has he. I'd have loved us to have been each other's first but really it makes no difference and the lessons learned from the past have been invaluable. Plus we now have our PFB on the way which feels like it has really cemented things further.

Stop worrying about other people, go forth, enjoy your lovely husband and be happy!

In terms of the wedding (not the marriage) - perhaps some people feel that it's not ok to ask guests to fork out a second time for a gift/hotel stay/drinks/ babysitter etc. That's why many people have quiet second weddings.

The marriage however, is just as important!

I think it's good practice to make it really clear you're not after expensive presents, if you have a second wedding, especially if it's, say, less than 10 years since your first. We made it very clear on our wedding invites that we were moving two houses into one, and didn't need much. Then gave people a list if they really wanted to get a present full of not very expensive things (many under £10) so hopefully avoid that. Guests are getting a big party and food - would anyone really feel they were being inconvenienced by having to do a second wedding for someone? I'd rather they didn't come if that's how they felt!