Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Has anyone else totally given up on finding someone

63 replies

nataliemej · 22/08/2016 23:22

So I'm 29 single, no children I work full time and I l get told very often I am attractive, I'm mentally stable, easy going and just generally an alright person to be around so why should it be so hard for me to find a partner?!
I've had 2 long term relationships which were both Ended by me as I wasn't happy both men were heartbroken but The relationships wernt right and had run there course so i left
I since dated my perfect man who seemed head over heels for me and I was the same then out the blue he ended it with no real explanation leaving me wounded, since then I have had no contact with men what so ever, no potential dates not so much as a flirtatious text, I have tried online dating and have been bombarded with messages but not one of these men have taken my fancy, there's a couple of guys I know that i would possibly be interested in but I don't know how to approach them so I have come to decision that I am going to stay single forever it is too much effort trying to find someone and I am an old fashioned girl who is not going to chase after a man I believe they should try and pursue you, I have accepted the fact that I am too old now to find someone all the good ones are taken and it's only the weirdos and players that are available now and I can't help but feel like it's karma coming round to bite me in the arse for breaking my exes hearts I feel this is my punishment now, eternal loneliness, anyone else in the same boat as me?

OP posts:
Holowiwi · 23/08/2016 08:55

You're*

PepsiPenguin · 23/08/2016 09:01

I also don't want to be mean but you need to give yourself a good slap! Seriously would you want to date you?

Seems all very dramatic, hand on head "oh someone please rescue me from my eternal loneliness" men don't ride about on horses looking for women in living room windows who are ready to be rescued... Men in my experience the good ones will run a mile at the hint of drama.

Put on some big girl pants, pull them up and get out there. You also need to get over the attitude that you are so amazing that you destroyed two peoples lives and that they are sitting somewhere crying into cheesecake - it happens, you date, you try, it's not for you you move on - people get over it mostly. What I will say though is that OLD is the most soul destroying overrated bag of shite, and likely to put anyone off I think you have to be very very very lucky or persistent. If your not ready for the big girl pants, don't date, stop moaning about it, enjoy being single your meet someone - I got bored of OLD, stopped decided to be single met DP... Desperation is the other thing that puts men off IMO.

I was 35 when I met DP, my mum met her soul mate when she was 50, my mums friends mum is 75 and just shacked up with a fella from the bridge club... no word of a lie she actually asked about getting a wax which is how I know things have moved forward... Apparently he is very good which is way more information that I required

TheBriarAndTheRose · 23/08/2016 09:02

Pepsi That's what I'm aiming for when I'm 75! Grin

ShotsFired · 23/08/2016 09:05

I'm 40ish, very fat, very boring, don't really do anything but work and stay at home. Have some very weird tendencies and can be extremely intolerant and a bit of a bitch at times.

Had carved out a good life for myself and was too stubborn/scared to try OLD or any form of putting myself out there. Resigned to being single, have never wanted children, so no biological imperative (and equally slashed the "available market" of men who did want a family).

And now I'm not single anymore. It happened without me realising at first. Had no idea that I was being flirted with, wooed (if that's not too sickly a word). Have never had that so didn't recognise it! He accepts my weirdness and my baggage.

So it does happen, despite me being supremely confident it wouldn't, and happy with that situation.

Cabrinha · 23/08/2016 09:06

Karma for breaking hearts is v teenage OTT, too.

I'd bet a small sum that both these men have managed to get over it and date again - right?

TheBriarAndTheRose · 23/08/2016 09:09

How did you meet him, shots?

I love the idea of being flirted with and not even realising it...

donajimena · 23/08/2016 09:09

I was 42 when I met my partner. With 100% residency of two children. I work alone.
so I HAD to try OLD as noone was going to knock on my front door and say 'hey Dona I hear you are single'
Pull your finger out!

Helloooooooo · 23/08/2016 09:14

Hey no hope for me then, more than half a century old Confused. And I also won't have anyone knocking on my door, I am in the middle of nowhere with no pavement or street lights.

I think you have to be more open minded about online dating. How do you know you are not attracted to someone if you have never met? Maybe take a break for a couple of months as it does get tedious and then have another go with a clearer head.

Btw I got married at 40 (divorced at 50 Smile). Not everyone has the traditional set up.

EmpressKnowsWhereHerTowelIs · 23/08/2016 09:18

Karma bollocks.

You have enough sense to know when you're in the wrong relationship & that's very healthy. There are few things more shit than being stuck with the wrong person so get out, do stuff & enjoy your independence.

And 29 is nothing. My grandmother married her second husband when she was 80 & I heard her commenting to a friend that "He's very good in bed!"

DrMorbius · 23/08/2016 09:45

My grandmother married her second husband when she was 80 & I heard her commenting to a friend that "He's very good in bed! Blush Envy

At that age I think she means he doesn't snore Wink

bibliomania · 23/08/2016 10:04

Aw, loving Blup and shot's stories.

PepsiPenguin · 23/08/2016 10:09

DrMobius nope it doesn't necessarily, my mums BF mum (75) had a full wax and said the same thing... Briar according to my mum she has quite the spring in her step Wink last she saw her so they have been at it for a few months now... very much want to be like her!

Ifiwasabadger · 23/08/2016 10:11

I met my DH when I was 35....you have loads of time.

Ifiwasabadger · 23/08/2016 10:12

I met my DH when I was 35....you have loads of time.

ShotsFired · 23/08/2016 11:47

TheBriarAndTheRose How did you meet him, shots?

Through an online community/forum type thing, a mutual interest.

It got as far as him actually asking me out on a date (a meal), but I genuinely had no idea that's what it was and didn't even acknowledge/realise it. He had to try quite a few more times before I started to get the hint!

He then did something very romantic (and outing, so can't say here) and that was that, and here we are, a few years on.

TheBriarAndTheRose · 23/08/2016 12:07

That is so lovely, Shots! That's how I want it to happen for me... not necessarily the online forum bit, but that slowly creeping up on you thing.

EmpressKnowsWhereHerTowelIs · 23/08/2016 12:16

At that age I think she means he doesn't snore.

In the context of that particular conversation... nope. Snoring was right off the agenda.

singleandfabulous · 23/08/2016 12:31

You're still young OP, no need for gloom and doom.

You have to make an effort to reach out to people though - not just men. If you broaden your circle, then you'll have more opportunities and a fuller life, making you feel better about yourself and putting you in the path of possible suitable men. Give online dating (OLD) a whirl but be prepared to take everything said with a pinch of salt.

For what it's worth, I've had a couple of long term relationships and a couple of shorter term ones and a couple of 'liaisons which I've ended as I wasn't happy. I'm happy being single and you could be too.

I do like sex and male company generally though which is why I'm still trying to find nice ones to date. Grin Bloody hard work in the Midlands though as the population is older and not as dense.

Don't give up OP.

PuertoVallarta · 23/08/2016 12:35

That was a great post, singingsixpence. OP, you should read it several times.

It isn't necessarily so much a case of all the good men being taken at any age; it's just that they are bloody well outnumbered and most of us are bound to meet lots of bad ones. The trick is not to mistake the bad ones for being the only ones, if that makes sense?

Speaking of bad ones, never confuse a man's skill at pursuing and romancing you with his true interiors and character. Shy and awkward can be wonderful men. Attentive and eager can be playboys.

horseygeorgie1 · 23/08/2016 12:45

I would have said the same as you even 4 months ago! I'm 32, single mum with a 4 year old. I live with family, am far too fat and have been single for a decade barring a couple of ONS.

I met a wonderful man 3 years ago on a website called muddymatches (I am very countrysidey) who initially didn't want to date anyone with children. We got chatting and became very good friends. 2 months ago he told me he had very deep feelings for me and we are now very much together. We luckily fell in love before we even realised it was happening and as friends.

I cannot describe the feeling, it is incredible, BUT it never would have happened if I hadn't signed up to that website! I didn't want too, my friend made me as I moaned at her about being lonely forever. I did try POF etc and there are some real wierdos on there but muddy matches seems good. My BF is a very traditional, old fashioned gentleman and I truly think he is one of a dying breed.

Get out there! You never know until you try.

horseygeorgie1 · 23/08/2016 12:46

Hallo shots!

ShotsFired · 23/08/2016 13:01

hello horsey!

tigerdick · 23/08/2016 13:22

If I meet someone, cool, but I'm in my thirties now and honestly past the point of worrying about it. And if it matters, yes I would say I'm reasonably attractive (slim, well-groomed, successful career-wise and fairly interesting).

As per the other recent thread about settling, I would rather be independent than tied to someone I find mediocre (or worse). A lot of men are intimidated by my success and I just can't be bothered to pretend that I care about their egos. The ones who ARE interested just aren't ambitious enough for me. Weird, huh? :)

I will likely start having kids on my own in the next year or so. Just waiting on some work stuff to settle down. Not looking forward to all the nosey comments I'm expecting to get about it, but hey ho, it's never stopped me from living life on my terms before!

I would say that if finding a partner is important to you, don't just sit back and expect it to happen. Force yourself to online date, go to places where single men will be, ask friends to set you up, and just be open. I've seen other friends successfully take this track, but you do have to work for it.

Justaboy · 23/08/2016 17:43

nataliemej "I since dated my perfect man"

Humm.. you found one of those then?. I'd like the perfect woman but she sure ain't around where i expect her to be that is if she actually exists.

Don't despair your only 29 , no real age just yet and as other threads will show OLD is a minefield. I tried that a while ago and it was not anywhere near as good as I expected it to be.

Got any hobbies at all?, sometimes someone who has that shared interest might be the place to look.

I often think that the old saying birds of a feather flock together has some truth in it rather than "opposites attract" sure they might attract but last? another matter.

kaitlinktm · 23/08/2016 18:07

I was going to say that at 61 I trump everyone here - and then Pepsi told us about her mother's friend who is 75.

However I have been officially single since I was 48 and may as well have been single several years before that.

I miss sex and companionship of course, but really now I wouldn't be looking for someone to live with (and certainly not share finances with) but wouldn't mind a sort of semi-detached dating kind of relationship.

But in any case, as has been mentioned by many PP, I don't actually go out and pursue this so I can't complain that it doesn't happen.

To be honest, there is a lot to say about the single life.

Makes bed snow angels