Another thread about splitting finances in a couple..

[wozzle95]

This time we are unmarried. We have one child together and I am step mum to his 2 kids.

He earns mega bucks. Over a seven figure sum. I used to have the same career and earned six figures and was on track to earn much more. But we decided if we had kids, we'd never see them if i worked those hours and also a perfect less hours' less money job came along which i took shortly before i got pregnant. (I ended up hating it and had i not got pregnant would have gone back into previous high earning job at a different company).

We are not married. He lost a lot in his first divorce and is therefore v reticent. I accepted this and that it might take some time (if ever) to change his mind. Have started work again too but very part time..a few hours' here and there very sporadically. Am too busy being mum, cook, cleaner, taxi, gardener etc to manage much more at this point (my child is only a toddler). I expect to earn maybe £25k this year.

Now OH is saying if I earned more like 40k or over, he'd expect me to contribute towards our bills. I instead believe I need to save this for my own financial security. On top of his seven figure salary he has about another million in assets. I feel this is very unfair and that my sacrifice of my career should be compensated a little, married or not. AIBU? Yes I went into this with my eyes open. Nor would I expect anything like joint pooling of assets. I'd just like to know views on whether my view is reasonable that I should receive some recognition for the sacrifice (which also enables him to do his job...he has always been very vocal that he does not believe kids fare best with 2 working parents). It's also not always as simple as 'well you should have waited for someone to marry'...we fell in love and have a beautiful child and I feel very blessed. I am also older and time was not on my side to argue the marriage issue before conceiving.

I think your absolute priority should be your financial security. It is well worth your toddler son having to find his feet over a few months in nursery. Because as things stand you are incredibly vulnerable financially.

You asked how other partners of high earners manage. My husband is also a seven figure earner. I am a low six figure earner which is high enough by most standards but not my complete earning capacity and nothing compared to his - basically my salary is about the amount of his bonus. Like a previous poster, when we married, we earned similarly. I moved countries so he could progress in his career. I also scaled back my own career when we had children, something had to give and it was my career to a certain extent - not completely and I do have effectively the same pension as him because I worked.

Everything is in joint names. All savings are joint. We have joint access to all cash (except I do have a separate account with some money left to me by my parents). Like a previous poster, I manage our finances mostly (he doesn't have the time), deal directly with banks/financial advisors, pay the bills etc. I would not have moved country or had children without being married. I wouldn't have compromised my own financial security and earning capacity after having children unless I felt we were a joint enterprise.

I can understand somewhat his position since if I were ever in a situation where I was entering a new relationship, I would want to somewhat ring-fence the assets of my marriage for the children of that marriage so I probably wouldn't marry. But then there would be no question of children in my case. You have a child together. That is an enormous commitment. and one which is rendering only one of you vulnerable financially - you. He needs to acknowledge that and make provision for it.

But the fact that he thinks you should have no financial interest in his assets at all but should still contribute to the bills once you earn 40k makes me think there is something else up here - some innate meanness or lack of trust or something. A decent man would be saying to you, look you need to put your earnings into the highest yield account for your future so if you need help setting that up, I'll help you. In fact a decent man, even if her was badly burned by a divorce would have come up a savings or pension scheme for you to which he would contribute when you agreed to stay home with his son and sacrifice your own earnings.

Thanks canyouforgiveher. Well he did offer to fill up my ISA each year. And he has mentioned the pension point before (about putting my earnings into a pension or paying me a pension). I guess recent stress must have changed his mind. He is now saying that he can accept/understand my view and so i do not need to contribute any of my earnings but it's opened up a bit of a Pandora's Box now about how unfair the situation is with the wealth he accumulates that I help enable him to by doing the family stuff. He'll say though that it was me who wanted another child not him (glad though he is that our son is here) and that he could get childcare.

The DP in question sounds like a typical hedge fund guy - their type seem to have form for this

I don't think you should put your DS into full time daycare.

He'll say though that it was me who wanted another child not him (glad though he is that our son is here) and that he could get childcare

So now he's saying that he never wanted his son therefore he shouldnt have to pay for him or be inconvenienced in any way by having to care for him? Is that right ?

How do you feel about that ?

Being " glad that his son is here " means nothing. I mean, I'm also glad that your son is here , but That doesn't mean that I have any responsibility for him .

I'm struggling to understand why you want to go to couselling with him so that a counsellor can persuade him to marry you .

How do you pay for the bills ? Is it a joint account ?

So the conversation tonight went about as badly as can be imagined. His comments included;
You've crossed a line in the sand and I feel about as low about our relationship as I have ever done. By raising this issue, it is pre recording a car crash and I am causing the end of our relationship. He was outraged at the suggestion of any pooling of assets. It is as if I am following a manual on how to be like his ex. I am using the row so I can line up a comfortable new life with 'the love of my life' our son. My financial sacrifice has been pretty much compensated for by the luxury lifestyle we now enjoy despite the fact that the only luxurious thing is our big but crumbling house which I don't own and the fact I had a far swankier life on six figures no kids. He would not pay me current levels of maintenance and would rather quit his job and do 50/50 childcare. He actually mentioned the word penury when he estimates he saves £245k p.a at present. If he gives up work, regardless of his assets and my salary, he'd expect 50/50 on child maintenance. I have very few words left in me.

I'm so sorry, OP.

He's shown his true colours, of course.

I wonder if he might try to gaslight you tomorrow, and totally minimise the row and the hateful things he said. If so, reread your last post.

Try to get some sleep, if you can, and tomorrow get some RL support from family and friends. MN is great but it's not enough on its own.

What A Cunt! Hes a fucking user.

Hes talking bullshit about the 50/50 childcare. And he would be doing 100% for his elder kids as they are HIS.

He'll quit work, take OP to court for 50/50, act like father of the year and play on how close the younger child is to half siblings to try to get 50/50 and no maintenance. If it works, the second his gardening leave ends he'll waltz into a new role at his old brokerage/investment bank, moving in the aforementioned parents to look after all his kids for half their childhoods.

I've got a few friends who had the misfortune to be with men like this.

OP you need to act quickly.

Why did you say "over a seven figure salary" in your op? Because that would actually mean an eight figure salary. Call me pedantic but if you yourself were earning a six figure salary as you say in the OP, isn't this basic stuff that you'd know?

you are being pedantic. Everyone else on the thread understood it to mean a figure in excess of a million pounds not 10 million.

On one level this isn't really about the finances but about his level of commitment. At the moment his level of commitment is such that he will not marry you, will not put any assets in joint names, is giving you fair warning that he feels like he is being taken for a ride by paying all the bills, is even backtracking on his decision to have a child with you.

For him the currency of love is money. Whether he was always like this or his divorce soured him (would love to know his ex's side of the story), he is making it as clear as possible to you that he is not committed to you, he feels absolutely no obligation to secure your financial well-being, and he sees you, in fact, as a potential predator, who could suck him dry.

Him telling you that it was you wanted a child, not him, while your child sleeps upstairs, would probably be a final straw for me. But to be honest, I'd have cleared out as soon as I knew he wouldn't marry me.

One thing you do need to realise right now is that you are on your own and the only person who will be looking out for your future is you. Most of us, whether married or not, if we are in a partnership feel like we are in one boat rowing together helping each other and trying to make the boat and the journey the best possible. You don't have that. He is in one boat, you are in the other.

Start making plans accordingly. No one will take care of your financial future but you. If I were you I'd get a high paying job immediately. Your child will adapt. loads of children are in childcare and do great. You don't really have the luxury of stepping off the ladder to be honest.

If you do split from him, make your financial calculations based on you getting zero maintenance because that is what he will push for.

I'm so sorry , I'm sure you must be devastated .

I know you will still be feeling in shock. But once you feel calmer, you will be glad that you found out now rather than later, when you had another child with him and were longer out of the labour market .

Please get proper legal advice . I don't mean checking out a few facts, a mean someone to whom you explain all the detail of your financial situation and get information on what will happen if or when you leave .

And if you decide NOT to leave, what you should do next to secure your and your child's future .

Sorry to hear this, OP, but it is best to know now so you can start to protect yourself better and decide whether you want to pursue a life with someone who sees you as a lesser, replaceable being. You care for his children like a parent and he talks to you like this? Disgusting. You can and should do better than him.

Op you are probably in a bit of a state of shock today, so sorry. In the short term, is there a way you could do your old high powered job or something like it, say, 3 days a week - so you still have a lot of time with ds, but maintain your earnings? I realise it may not be feasible. Also realise some pps will suggest you leave him, but if you dont want to do that, or to do that right now, part-time working at your own level might be a way to protect your future?
MOrven's suggestion to get full legal advice is a good one - including on the effect of dp paying your mortgage.
Dont answer if you dont want, but what did you suggest to dp last night?

Oh and you probably do sound like his ex wife. He was probably an entitled, misogynistic twat to her as well.

Well now you need to get your ducks in a row. Give your tenants notice to quit, start job hunting and look for good child care. He may well go for 50/50 shared custody and minimise child maintenance. He is very likely to get 50/50.
Your relationship seems to have imploded very quickly.

Jeepers. What an arse.

canyouforgive gives good advice. OP.

So sorry op. Know now that you are I the right- adults in relationships should be able to at the very least have in depth discussions about money and their future. You need some good legal advice. He is unlikely to get 50:50 custody with you being g a SAHM and doing the majority of the childcare thus far u less he does actually leave his job. Is this really something he would do?

How awful! I'm sorry.

At least this has all happened before you've been out of your career for so long that you have no way back in.

Get a job, get childcare (nursery, nanny, whatever) and get away from this prick.

And don't be surprised at how quickly he replaces you. Plenty of women will believe the shite he'll spout about both the mothers of his children The fact that you were in any way involved in the previous maintenance discussions means he moved pretty quickly with you. I daresay he'll have a new "more than a step mum" lined up before he's finished arguing maintenance with you. Sadly, child maintenance is all you'll get from him after losing several years of a fantastic salary to de-louse his kids Arsehole.

OP: if he backs down today, and you decide to stay - please, go back to a career that you want.

And unfortunately, the suggestion that he might get 50/50 residency is at least realistic, as both of you will be working. However, I would prefer this to staying with someone who saw my security as an optional extra.

It sucks that in this day and age the only way a partner can be sure they'll be treated fairly on separation is if they get married. Sadly, getting married is usually decided by the person who doesn't want to treat the other fairly on a split. It's a catch 22 and he holds all the power.

It doesn't matter whether he's doing it out of fear of losing again or because he is a pure areshole, the fact is he has told you very clearly he does not want to split assets with you and give you equal financial footing in the relationship.

He won't even concede what you have lost out financially to be a mother to his children.

I second getting your ducks in a row and seeing yourself as a separate entity financially.

your relationship seems to have imploded very quickly

It always does with narcs. Because it's based on one thing- them always having 100% of their own way 100% of the time. What others see as reasonable compromise and discussion, they see as a huge threat to the whole basis of the relationship. Which it is.

It's quite literally " my way or the highway " . She's either completely docile and obedient or she's nothing and it's all over. It's the end of the world as far as he's concerned .