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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I really need some advice... Boyfriend kissed someone else.

56 replies

Blazesmum100 · 22/08/2016 17:20

Hi everyone I'm really just asking for some advice please to see if anyone has been in a similar situation. Sorry for the long post but the context is important. My boyfriend and I wee at a festival together nearly two months ago, we were on working tickets and at the end of our shift at 3am he wanted to go out raving with some of our friends, I was tired so I went back to our tent to sleep. Had no reason not to trust him. He came back to tent at 7.30 am... (Most music finishes 5am) Next day he told me nothing, I knew something had happened and I finally got it out of him that he kissed one of his/our friends. We have talked about it a lot since and I'm trying to move on but I can't seem to. The thing that bothers me most is that it went on for hours, I've got it out of him that they were walking round the festival together for two hours snogging... Both drunk, but it's not like it was one drunken kiss that they stopped quickly and regretted, it feels like multiple prolonged decisions to cheat on me. Things weren't perfect before the festival but they're much worse now, little things are really annoying me and I can't separate them out from the whole backdrop of the cheating episode. Also the fact that he didn't tell me straight away and lied to me all day is haunting me. I'm 35 and we were talking about kids before this happened but now I can't even consider it, he told me yesterday he would really struggle with the idea of us not having kids. I moved city to be with him in January and we moved in together in March. Am I being unreasonable to see it as a pretty major issue? I would miss him if we weren't together I think, but it's on my mind all the time and driving me nuts!

OP posts:
Original poster
Blazesmum100 · 22/08/2016 18:11

The other thing that is really triggered me this weekend is that we went to a christening if one of his old school friends baby's. Aside from it all being happy families and that feeing of expectation that we are going to be next, which was bad enough. I asked him in the car in the way there if there was any history with the girl as they've known each other for a long time. He said no, but quite hesitantly, so I knew he wasn't telling me the full story and then he admitted that they had had a snogging session when they were younger. So obviously that was aaaaages before we met but I fee like he just lied again and it really set me off, when I thought I was starting to get over it. He thought I was over reacting and got really angry and started driving like a twit and really scared me. Twin we had to turn up at this christening and perform a song together with his parents. The whole thing feels like a fraud. But in my heart I want to forgive him and move on. Uggghh sorry for another long post. Thanks everyone for replies, it is really helpful to get other people's views.

OP posts:
YouAreMyRain · 22/08/2016 18:15

I give it two days before he admits to below the waist groping, then after another day or two, he'll confess to mutual masturbation, then oral sex etc etc

Sadly it's the cheaters script

lemonzest123 · 22/08/2016 18:16

Can you see yourself living your life knowing you have to ask every question more than once before he'll fess up the truth? I'm in the LTB camp I'm afraid :(

Really sorry OP, just wouldn't want you to waste another year trying to make it work with someone that isn't eagerly trying to gain your trust back like I did!!

AnyFucker · 22/08/2016 18:24

He's just given you a warning. He will cheat on you again because he thinks that he deserves it, that he is entitled to "get what he wants".

You can take heed and get out now or you can mark time until the next opportunity to cheat comes his way.

Original poster
Blazesmum100 · 22/08/2016 18:52

Everyone thanks so much. What I feel like at the moment is that you guys' responses have backed up how hurt and betrayed I feel by it all. I hear you all about the risk of him doing it again, but I do want to give him another chance - perhaps I'm being naive and stupid but I think I'd always wonder if I'd been too hasty if we broke up now. I've set a timeline in my head... I'm working in a contract til end of November then I'm going to go travelling by myself, and if I feel like I can trust him for a month (and actually miss him), and he redeems himself in the meantime then maybe there's a chance. But I agree that I need to talk to him again about the impact and tell him specifically what I want to be different, and then he has to persuade me that it's worth staying. Perhaps I'm being a total twat but I sill feel like it's worth saving. But he is to try a bit.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 22/08/2016 18:58

Oh dear. It's not what he did per se but how he justified it to himself.

He might not cheat again for a long time, but I think he will.

Perhaps when you are tied down with a kid or two and he thinks he deserves a bit of fun again

He has the entitled cheater written all over him like a book. I hope you don't learn the hard way (again)

Original poster
Blazesmum100 · 22/08/2016 19:04

I hope so too... In the meantime though, assuming I don't leave him (yet) and also it would be sensible for me to squirrel away some cash first anyway. Does anyone have any advice on how to separate this issue out in my mind from other day to day stuff? I can't see the wood for the trees at the moment, it's like "you didn't take the bin out... And you cheated on me". I don't want to be unreasonable or some ridiculous harridan bringing it back to that all the time, I genuinely want to work out if we have a future together.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 22/08/2016 19:11

You could get a lobotomy, I suppose. That might stop the perfectly reasonable thoughts going round in your head.

Seriously, why would you try and convince yourself to STFU about it ? Has he indicated that his patience might wear thin if you don't "move on" ?

This was only a few weeks ago,fgs, and then you find out he has form with the same woman ?

My anger would not be quashed, I am afraid and I would not be hiding it for no fucker

YouAreMyRain · 22/08/2016 19:17

So you want to wait and see if you can trust him for a month? When you know you can't trust him for a couple of hours?!

Ok. See you in November

Original poster
Blazesmum100 · 22/08/2016 19:18

The christening woman wasn't the same person, she's someone he went to school with. I feel like the fact that he got so angry with me for questioning him about it is an amber flag at best though. I know it seems like I'm being a twat, but I have been in much much worse relationships and there's a bit of me that feels like it must be my fault that he did this... (I know, I know). I'm going to spell it out to him tonight that he's not trying hard enough to convince me he is sorry and to rebuild the trust and see how that goes.

OP posts:
rumred · 22/08/2016 19:30

You're not being a twat. You need to know it's definitely a deal breaker before you end it, which is completely understandable. Go with your plan, talk to friends and good luck

Guiltypleasures001 · 22/08/2016 19:33

Blaze he took a whole year to admit to it being more than a kiss? So above waist groping has now come out, what's it going to be next year.

Let's hope the next admission won't be when your knocked up with his child and then stuffed for walking away. Your still young, a year in is still supposed to be the honeymoon period.

You've given up everything to be with him, and he's fucked you over oh and so has your so called friend, find your self respect girly and kick him to fuck.

Guiltypleasures001 · 22/08/2016 19:34

My god woman if he's the best out of a bad bunch, then get thee to a counsellor to re set your boundaries pronto.

BolshierAryaStark · 22/08/2016 19:52

He couldn't be trusted for a couple of hours while you were in the same place as him, you've got no fucking chance travelling away from him for a month Hmm

worldsworstchildren · 22/08/2016 20:28

Just because you have been in worse relationships before doesn't mean that this is a better one. Just that it's less bad which is not the same thing. If if you've only been together a year and you already have doubts and trust issues I cannot see how it is worth carrying on.

Cut your losses and move forward without him.

rumred · 22/08/2016 21:43

Few relationships are black and white. It can take time for most of us average people to cut loose and move on

FinnMcCool · 22/08/2016 21:52

Setting aside the cheating, and everyone else has already said what I was going to anyway - yes you should be saving your own money away. You're not tied to this man you need a bit of independent money built up.

nappyrat · 22/08/2016 22:01

I'd leave this relationship behind. In my experience once the trust had gone, it's gone.

cozietoesie · 22/08/2016 22:26

You've only been living together for what - 5 months? And he had a two hour snogging and groping session with someone? I'd be making my dispositions prior to leaving him. I wouldn't be sharing a bed with him again, either.

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 22/08/2016 22:31

Move on lovely. This won't ever leave your head.

PickAChew · 22/08/2016 22:39

Drop kick him as hard and far as you can. He's a waste of space.

thisismyfirsttime · 22/08/2016 22:46

If he needed to take what he could get as the situation presented itself how will you ever know he won't do it again?

StillDrSethHazlittMD · 22/08/2016 22:49

You do know there are men out there who would never sniggers other women, drunk or otherwise, and would treat you with respect? Why be with an arsehole when you could have a decent guy?

StillDrSethHazlittMD · 22/08/2016 22:50

Snog not sniggers. Bloody autocorrect

BastardGoDarkly · 22/08/2016 22:51

Nah, fuck that, life's too short.

If you want to stay in London, get a flat share, or go home to your friends and family, but this guy is a dead end.